There are times in life when you don’t have a choice. My husband died. I don’t have a choice but to live without him. Perhaps you find yourself divorced when you thought you’d always be together or your company chose to downsize and you were suddenly out of work. There are just times in life when regardless of what we do we find ourselves in a place we never wanted or even thought we’d ever be… even if we saw it coming.
Jack & I had been on his cancer journey for the last 4 years but it was only the last couple months that we realized he was at the end of his life. It’s easy… and natural to wish this was all a bad dream but instead it is my journey. There are times it is incredibly hard and other times when it seems surreal but my bottom line is one of Jack’s favorite phrases, “It is what it is.”
If you are finding yourself in a place that you hate, regret or just don’t want to be what you do now or next is totally up to you. In your heart you know you don’t want to stay in a place of misery yet sometimes you’ll find yourself there.
You’re going to mourn your loss and that’s ok. I find that a good hard cry lets out all the emotions that need to flow. You’re going to have times where you ask yourself what you could have done differently. I call these the “If only’s.” If only we had or hadn’t done something maybe this would never have happened. You’re going to get angry. You’re going to think “why me” even if you never say that out loud. You’re just going to be sad. And it’s ok to feel all these things and more. This is not the time to berate yourself for how you feel… that only makes you feel worse and that’s not what you want.
When however you realize you want a happier life from here on out it’s time to let it sink in that you do have choices, now. I have the choice to celebrate 36 years of marriage to the love of my life. I have the choice to say “yes” to friends invitations and to enjoy their company. I have the choice to make decisions about what I want for my life. We can be grateful for all of the wonderful times we’ve had in life and for having choices moving forward.
No, we don’t have to like the ending… but if we give ourselves the chance to appreciate our new beginning we can move ourselves into a place of hope and happiness… one step at a time. You deserve to be happy and it’s your choice to move in that direction. Embrace it… because you can!
With love, Cheryl
Just so spot on, I have always been the proverbial cat with 9 lives but the past few months have really drained me mentally,too much focus on the odds,but today thankfully I regain my balance. I stumbled upon your very insightful resource and I already feel the power to unclip my wings and fly again. It definitely Will be gradual,but I am determined to make an effort to make some progress in the right direction with every opportunity I get. Many thanks. Idaya..
SO glad to hear you are ready to take that simple step for you Idaya! We have to give ourselves time… and permission to heal and to fly! Much love to you! Cheryl
I was crying while reading . You wrote this article for me. It is very comforting, and inspiring and fills me with hope that I will be fine. Thank you very, very much, Cheryl, for sharing this.
Caroline, I know how hard it is… and you will be fine. But it won’t happen over night and it won’t happen easily… but it will and you will get to the other side of this. It’s been 3 weeks since Jack died and some days I just sit and cry uncontrollably. When I’m cried out (and sometimes that takes awhile) I allow myself to feel the relief of the release. Then I do whatever I can to distract myself. I don’t ignore the fact that Jack has died… but I can remember the good times and think about what I want now that I don’t have a choice. I don’t know what your situation is… but I know it can get better… if you allow it to. (On your own time…) Much love, Cheryl
Thank you for being so transparent in dealing with the death of your husband. I too have felt the range of emotions you have experienced in dealing with the loss of my husband of 27 years. We take one day at a time and strive to look for glimmers of joy, peace, and love in the midst of it all.
You’re welcome Shandra… I am so sorry for your loss too. While so many understand that this is so difficult for us until they experience such a loss only telling our stories can help them appreciate what losing a spouse means. One day at a time… one Simple Step at a time. I never knew when I created Simple Steps Real Change that I’d be living it in grief. Wishing you peace & happiness. With love, Cheryl
There is a line in an Over the Rhine Song, a married couple who write exquisite music, that says,
“Whose gonna bury who?” The first time I heard it, it took my breath away. Steve and I talk about it a little more that ever since we hit the 50 marker. I look for inspiration whenever that fear creeps into my mind or heart.
Your article is so inspiring to me. Knowing the closeness you two share and your thoughts on happiness and moving toward it while still expereincing the sadness, anger……
Thank you for sharing your self in this way at this time. It means more than words can express.
Namaste Cheryl
Rob
Thanks Rob… and you are very welcome. I never thought that Jack would die… but now that I am living in this space I do all I can to be kind to myself and let me feel what I feel… and taking it one moment at a time.
Much love, Cheryl