A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What If Can’t Is Just A Misspelling?

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Fotolia_58396711_Subscription_Monthly_MIs your vocabulary filled with “can’ts?”  Do you come up with one reason (aka excuse) after another of why you can’t live the way you want to?  Are you discouraged because you believe you can’t have what you want?

What if your “can’ts” are just a typo?  What if you really can?

Can’ts exist because you’ve erroneously decided that you can’t do or have something… and in doing so you’ve squashed your own hopes and dreams.  No one else does that for you… you do it to you.  The cool thing is that you CAN do the exact opposite and  be just as successful at doing as you have been at “can’ting”… if you want to.

For years I told myself I’d never be as successful as my boss, my best friend or even my sister.  The funny thing was I didn’t really want to be what they were.  I didn’t want to be a corporate employee.  I didn’t want to be a nomad and I sure didn’t want to be miserable.  Somehow though I saw myself as less than… but it wasn’t until I realized I didn’t want to be them that I realized I could be the person I wanted to be.

What about you?  What if you dropped the “t” and decided you can:

  • Be happy
  • Take a risk just to see how it works out
  • Decide every morning to do the best you can do
  • Bless the people around you
  • Be grateful for what you do have

And if you do all of those things you’ll also realize that you can take the steps necessary to live your dream, to love without conditions and be a blessing to the world.

You CAN do or be whatever you decide you CAN do!

Reflections – Spring 2014

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Trillium-Lake-ReflectionsWebsite
There was a time when I used to look forward to packing up my office or my home and moving.  It was always a start of a new adventure. Of course it required packing and deciding whether I needed some of the stuff I’d collected since the last move. I’ve never been one to keep “stuff.” If I hadn’t used it or worn it… or if it was still packed in boxes since the last move then I’d take it to the local shelter or Goodwill for someone else to give it life again.

Today I packed up my home office in anticipation of moving my home, again. I’ve come to realize that what I choose to keep has meaning in my life. Symbols, accomplishments, memories. Some of them bring me to tears because I miss a loved one or a pet that brought me joy. Others remind me of how far I’ve come. Each one, though, enables me to look back and be at peace with this journey I’ve been on. If at any time I need to lose myself in my past, what surrounds me are the happy memories. And anything else doesn’t have a place in my Now.

Living In Fear? Find Solitude

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Fotolia_6337787_Subscription_LHow many times has someone said to you, “It will be ok” and you smiled because if you didn’t they’d keep talking?   Do you get tired of well-intentioned friends encouraging you with “This too shall pass?”  Do you just want to be left alone to feel what you’re feeling?

There are so many good people who want to help you through whatever you’re going through and you know you can rely on them.  However, when we are at an all time low about our lot in life, all of the words of support and encouragement can fall flat.  I know because I’ve been in some very low places and despite all the good intentions the voice in my head was just saying, “Yeah, right.  You don’t understand.”

If you’re feeling that way I encourage you to go to a place where you can be alone.  You need the time to think for yourself, to feel what is causing you pain and then to decide for yourself what you’ll do now or next.  If you’re around others their voices will drown out your own especially if they are determined to help you.  And right now you need to hear your own voice because it’s the only one you’re going to believe.

In this time of solitude allow yourself to vent out every emotion you have.  You’re safe… no one can hear you and you don’t have to worry about what they might think.

I encourage you to give voice to your worst fears.  Create the scenario in your head about everything that could go wrong.  When Jack was first diagnosed with leukemia and then again with cancer my worst fears were that he would die and I’d be alone, broke and homeless.  None of those things have happened but they were real fears to me.

If you did this with a friend they would be the first to tell you that you’re overreacting… and you are but you don’t need them to make you feel bad about yourself.  (Even if they are trying to help!)

The point of this exercise is to release the fears rather than burying them.  If you try to hide them or avoid them then they are always there and will come out when you need them least.  Instead by exposing your fears to the light you can see them for what they are… figments of your vivid imagination.

The interesting thing about our worst fears is that 93% of the time they never come to fruition.  Knowing that has helped me focus on a differently likelihood.   I’ll bet my life on the lesser outcomes than I’m going to bet on the 7%.   Perhaps you’re thinking that with your luck you’ll fall into the exception range.  That’s your ego talking.  “I’m different, I’m special, I’m the exception to the rule.”  This is not a time to let your ego take over because your ego isn’t your friend… it’s your ego and you need to avoid it like you’re avoiding other people right now.

Once you have vented out your fears, sit, do nothing, and enjoy the release of those emotions.  In that silence you will hear your soul’s voice… the one you’ll believe when it says to you “We’ll get through this.  I have your back.”   Your voice is the only one that matters when you’re dealing with your life.  Everything that comes from your soul comes from a place of love, kindness and respect. And that is what you need to hear right now.   And that is all you need to know.  Therein lies peace.

What are you assuming?

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Fotolia_55005268_Subscription_LSo often I hear a client say that someone in their life expects them to screw up, to fail, or to be a disappointment.  How discouraging is that?  Do you feel like no matter what you do someone who is important to you automatically assumes the worst?

What ensures however is even more enlightening.   As the conversation goes on it’s filled with the same “self talk.”  Negative and defeatist but even more telling is that they are also assuming the worst about the others in their own life.  It’s that vicious circle that undermines not only the person’s growth but also every relationship they have.

I understand what it feels like to be treated as less than.   Less capable, less valuable, less, less, less.  It just makes us feel like we can’t achieve our goals, find a loving relationship, the ideal job or be able to buy that home.  When we feel that miserable it is reflected in our thoughts and conversations with and about others.  In other words we’re paying our misery forward.

While ideally we’d like the other person to be more encouraging and supportive… they may be wishing we were.  As long as no one takes the initiative we stay stuck in this Catch 22.  We can’t control the behavior of anyone else but we can change our own.  We can also start with being more loving to ourselves.

Throughout the day pay attention to your thoughts.  Are you thinking the worst… or at least something less than the best?  When you catch yourself doing so, stop, then say to yourself, “That thought isn’t working for me.” Now shift to a more encouraging thought. Here are a couple of examples:

  • Shift “I’m always going to be overweight. I have no willpower” to “I’m not in the physical condition that I want to be however I can choose today to: (Fill in the blank)  drink more water, eat a salad, take a walk.”
  • Instead of saying “I’m never going to find my soul mate” choose to say “I will open my heart to attract the perfect partner for me.”
  • Take “I can’t afford to go out with all my friends” and turn it into “I am choosing to have friends over for a potluck or BYOB.”

Each shift makes you feel better about yourself and your life.  Resolve to shift your negative thoughts about yourself as often as you can.  Make a game out of it and start to laugh at your former negativity.  Notice how much better you feel.  Now that you’re practicing so well with your own life choose to do the same for your thoughts about others.  Before long you’ll notice how your energy rises and the change in those around you.  It all starts with you.

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