A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It’s Not About What We’ve Lost

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JACKCJ1The sound of Jack’s voice, his presence in the room, being able to tell him what I discovered… just being able to talk to him.  There are just no substitutes for what I miss the most.  I have wonderful friends and family… but calling them to talk about seeing my old neighborhood or that I had lunch at Pei Wei just isn’t as satisfying as having the conversation with Jack.  (And I know they understand that.)

It’s hard not to cry every time I miss what I had with him.  That doesn’t mean I’m focusing on all I’ve lost.  It means I miss my husband.  But then that shouldn’t surprise anyone… including me. As I sit here in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.  I feel profoundly alone.  And I am… compared to what my life was.

I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Everyone in this life has or will go through some life changing event. And at this very moment according to the world clock nearly 111,000 people have died today. I’m not alone.  Some may have died suddenly and their loved ones are reeling from the shock.  Some suffered like Jack did and their family feels gratitude that the suffering is over.  For all of the people who died there are millions of us who are dealing with living after their deaths. We are not alone.

We can miss what we’ve lost without living in the past.  We can be sad because we won’t be able to hear their voices.  We can cry because we are alone.  But none of that means we’re living for what we’ve lost.  It just means we’re grieving… and that’s a part of life.

Tonight I’ll cry because I need to.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and drive south to visit my family and be grateful for their love and kindness.  I’ll give thanks for what I have and I’ll give thanks for what I had. And my life will go on.

We go on because as Jack would say, “It is what it is.”  And I know if our roles had been reversed he’d feel the way I do now.  But just like him I’ll have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the best I can and give thanks for every day, for every moment, of my life.  And that’s where we can all find our peace.

With love, Cheryl

At the Mercy of the Box

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Girl Opening a Magical Present“Are you serious?” my friend asked the man at the counter.  She had just returned to the post office after he suggested that she come back in an hour because their computer system was down.  And, an hour later, it was still down.

“Yes, Ma’am, it’s still down.  I’m sorry about that.”

My friend looked at him and smiled.  “It’s not your fault,” she replied as she was leaving.  “Enjoy your afternoon.”

She took the 30 lb. box from the counter and returned to her car, and sighed.  This was the second post office she visited that day, as well as a box and ship store.  Of three establishments, none were able to ship the box for her.

The task to which she allotted about an hour of her time ended up taking two days.  When she told me about it, she shrugged her shoulders and laughed.  “When the third store didn’t work out, I knew I was at the mercy of the box.”

My friend didn’t recognize that her intentions had finally come to fruition.  Her life experience had been an immersion course in impatience, which impacted her family, killed friendships and compromised her health.  Once she decided to change her life by asking for patience and calm, she had experience after experience that challenged her: a work promotion and raise that took longer than scheduled, flight delays, getting stuck behind slow drivers, and finally, the 30 lb. box.

She laughed when she finally put together the puzzle pieces: her intentions created the experiences that helped her fulfill her wish.  Because she wanted patience, she created situations that would normally breed impatience, inviting her, over and over again, to make a different choice.  She told me that she now feels a sense of accomplishment and freedom that feel like a miracle!

Have you asked for attributes such as patience or strength and wonder why things suddenly feel like they got tough?  Here’s what you can do to put together the puzzle pieces:

  • IDENTIFY the attribute you are working on in one of these ways:

*Think about what you may have casually asked for in your heart of hearts.  You may have a secret wish in the realm of self-improvement that you may have put it into action without being aware of it; or

*See if there is a pattern of events happening recently that require you to show up more fully in ways that call on you to be patient or strong and trace it back to one of your self-improvement goals.

  • NOTICE when you have an experience that irritates you.
  • CHECK to see if it is calling you to practice the attribute you want to incorporate (such as being patient or strong)
  • ACKNOWLEDGE yourself when you choose to practice patience or strength, understanding that the experiences are a perfect reflection of your self-improvement intentions.

It only takes a little bit of imagination to allow your life to become on purpose, even in ways that initially feel non-preferred.  Once you practice the art of saying, “This experience serves me exactly as-is, even if I can’t yet identify how,” you will connect with your wondrous freedom of choice, reconnect with your creativity, and enjoy your future adventures with some extra pep in your step!

www.janetdthomas.com

There Is Always A Message

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We just have to be open to receive it…

This was a particularly difficult day. I don’t know why… it just was.  Driving home in tears I just wanted to hear Jack’s voice… or at least feel his presence and know he is close.  Nothing.  I just felt empty.  And there was no consoling my grief.

After dinner I decided to walk the route Jack and I use to take.  It was getting colder and I decided to wear Jack’s favorite jacket.  I just needed to feel him close.  Cleaning out the pockets I came across a silver medallion that I’d never seen before.  It said,
“One Day At A Time” on one side and on the other side is a version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn’t what I thought I wanted but it was what I needed.   And there was no coincidence that it came to me when I needed it most.  There was peace in this discovery.

Are you open to receiving what you need in some form other than what you think you should? What might you discover if you set aside your expectations and allow yourself to be comforted?

Sometimes it’s enough just to be open to the possibilities.

With love, Cheryl

 

Moving On At All

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Reflections by Jack Maloney
Reflections by Jack Maloney

I have always tried to be strong… but I’m not.  Somethings in life are just inconceivable even when you realize they are staring you down.  When we experience the things that cut us off at the knees its hard to think straight let alone be strong.  At one point as Jack’s life was winding down I lay crying in bed and for the first time he said to me in his weakened voice, “No more tears!”  But I couldn’t stop crying…

When I thought I couldn’t cry any more… I’d cry again.  In my heart though I knew Jack didn’t want me to mourn his death. He wanted me to move on with my life.  He wanted me to cherish our good times and put the bad times and his dying behind me.  As I sit here and write this I remember his courage in the face of death yet I’m still crying.

I miss him.  I miss sitting in the living room, side by side, comfortable in our silence.  I miss him starting his day off reading photography blogs because I knew whatever nugget he gleaned from them would be implemented in a photo.  I miss him chopping up vegetables and us cooking together.

I don’t miss his suffering and I’d would never have wanted him to stay with me and suffer.  And the end of his life was all suffering.  I don’t want to remember the suffering.  When I have a bad memory of the last few weeks of his life I stop myself and shift my thoughts to a better time.  Reliving that pain serves no purpose for me… and now it is all about my life and moving on.

I know for me moving on doesn’t mean that I leave Jack or his memory behind.  He remains embedded in my soul.  I have to take what he has given me and use that strength to create what my life is to become.  Some call it finding “new normal” but there is nothing “normal” about all this, yet.

My life isn’t over because my husband died.  Instead a new life is beginning.  My family has longevity which means I could live another 30+ years… almost as long as Jack & I were married.  That’s a long time and I know I don’t want to stay in my sadness for the rest of my days.

We each get to decide what we want for whatever time we have left on this earth.  We each get to take a step forward… or to pause and gain our strength.  It is our choice to make.  Whatever you choose to do… do it for you, for your happiness, for your own soul. Because at the moment that’s all you need to do.

With love, Cheryl

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