The sound of Jack’s voice, his presence in the room, being able to tell him what I discovered… just being able to talk to him. There are just no substitutes for what I miss the most. I have wonderful friends and family… but calling them to talk about seeing my old neighborhood or that I had lunch at Pei Wei just isn’t as satisfying as having the conversation with Jack. (And I know they understand that.)
It’s hard not to cry every time I miss what I had with him. That doesn’t mean I’m focusing on all I’ve lost. It means I miss my husband. But then that shouldn’t surprise anyone… including me. As I sit here in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas. I feel profoundly alone. And I am… compared to what my life was.
I don’t feel sorry for myself. Everyone in this life has or will go through some life changing event. And at this very moment according to the world clock nearly 111,000 people have died today. I’m not alone. Some may have died suddenly and their loved ones are reeling from the shock. Some suffered like Jack did and their family feels gratitude that the suffering is over. For all of the people who died there are millions of us who are dealing with living after their deaths. We are not alone.
We can miss what we’ve lost without living in the past. We can be sad because we won’t be able to hear their voices. We can cry because we are alone. But none of that means we’re living for what we’ve lost. It just means we’re grieving… and that’s a part of life.
Tonight I’ll cry because I need to. Tomorrow I’ll get up and drive south to visit my family and be grateful for their love and kindness. I’ll give thanks for what I have and I’ll give thanks for what I had. And my life will go on.
We go on because as Jack would say, “It is what it is.” And I know if our roles had been reversed he’d feel the way I do now. But just like him I’ll have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the best I can and give thanks for every day, for every moment, of my life. And that’s where we can all find our peace.
With love, Cheryl