A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

How Are You Treating Yourself Today?

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Banner for SSRCRegardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.

As a child and young adult I was molested by a male baby sitter and doctor. I suffered under religious and societal persecution. I was not a good student, or pretty, or self-assured and was told I was not smart enough, I was worthless, and that I would never amount to anything. People said and did lots of hurtful things to me. I was mistreated in harmful ways. Ridicule, bullying, and judgment made me angry.

When I expressed my anger I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected, unheard, and my emotions discounted. Often I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a young person I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and suppress what I felt. Not being able to express anger in healthy ways I turned that anger and frustration inward.

I developed many negative and self-destructive habits like smoking, drinking, and moving from relationship to relationship. I allowed myself to be mistreated and abused. I did not set boundaries, had no ability to stay true to myself, allowed people to use me as a doormat, and was co-dependent looking to other people for validation and self-worth. I spent without responsibility putting on a good show to for outside world that I was happy. There was a time I abused prescription drugs and alcohol. I did not care about the risks and thought dying would be the answer to my messed up life.

One day I was blessed with a huge self-loving realization. It was not possible for me to wave a magic wand and presto the sexual molestation was erased like it never happened. I had no power to fix or change other people or my past and how I was treated. So, why was I still allowing a horrible past to dictate how I was living in the present? Why was I still treating myself badly? Who was going to treat me in the loving, respectful, and supportive ways I wanted if I did not treat myself lovingly, respectfully, and supportive first?

To let go of my past I had to become focused on and responsible for my present. I had to get my act together by getting my behavior together. I had to let go of feeling deserving of abuse. Deep down I knew I was not now, and never had been, deserving of mistreatment. People do hurtful and stupid things. But that did not mean I had to keep the self-abuse alive.

As we enter 2015, let go of the idea hurting yourself will get back at those people who hurt you in the first place. One of the greatest acts of self-love is refusing to allow your past to define your present. Self-love begins in earnest when you accept that regardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.Regina Sundays

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People of Values Are People To Value

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One day I was walking behind a young man who was smoking a cigarette. When finished, he flicked it high into the air, I guess aiming for the street. In an odd twist of circumstance, the wind caught the still lit butt, sending it back over his shoulder and into my face, leaving a small burn on my right cheek.

He did not look back to see where his cigarette landed. He did not think about the possible impact of his actions. I understand because I smoked for twenty-two years. There were many times I threw my butts out without thinking about the consequences of my actions. Did I ever burn anyone? Did I start a fire on the roadside? Did someone ever step barefooted on a still lit cigarette of mine? Did a toddler ever pick up one I threw out? Who did pick up my tossed out butts? What kind of negative impact did my cigarette butts have on wildlife and the natural world?

I understand what it is like to behave without thinking about the consequences of my actions. As a smoker I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others. I did not stop to think that I was not entitled to force my cigarette smoke on other people, children, or my pets. I also did not stop to consider it was not my right to throw my cigarette butts and trash on a public street with the arrogant expectation someone else is responsible for cleaning up after me.

I am grateful for the day I accepted that I am completely responsible for the behavior I put out. That was the day I began caring how my actions impact me and how they may impact someone else.

The interesting thing is, I am the one who benefits most from caring about my behavior. Other people may never know how remaining aware of my actions benefited them, but it never fails that I feel FANTASTIC about me by choosing to do the responsible thing.

Our ego rationalizes behavior after the fact. Heart seeks to determine the possible consequences before we act. Asking “How will it feel?” is the key which opens the door to our heart. Taking time to put ourselves in another person’s shoes before we act allows us to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. Caring moves us from irresponsible and self-centered to responsible and unselfish – two qualities of people of admirable character.

Christmas is a time we celebrate the birth of an impeccable man of character who was peaceful, compassionate, loyal, courageous, patient, forgiving, honest, generous, non-violent, kind, inclusive, fair, accepting, and responsible. These are some of the many values the man called Jesus lived. Two thousand years after his death the goal remains for us to adopt these conscious behaviors of love as guidelines for how we live too, because it is people of values who are people to value.

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Hard Decisions Lead To An Easier Life

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Banner for SSRCOften it is the hard decisions you make that lead to an easier life.

Recently someone I know was fired from a horrible job working with rude and mean people. Over the past two years she allowed herself to be used and abused. It became harder and harder to go to work, yet she continued to remain in a situation in which she had absolutely no control or power. She did not have a back-up plan. Instead of finding another position, a distorted sense of loyalty and fear kept her from taking action to move on.

I completely understand. At one time, I worked for a shady organization. I caught my boss stealing money from a fundraising event that I had designed but he had taken the credit for. He was also accused of sexually assaulting a fellow employee, plus a variety of other offenses. Management refused to address the issues because they were guilty of the same things.

Each day it became more difficult for me to go to work. My heart actually hurt when I walked into the office. One day I could not stand it anymore. No matter how much I needed the money, I refused to sell myself short any longer. The moment I decided to quit, some wonderfully positive energy seemed to align itself with me. Within a month, a great position working with good people came along. The energy I put out attracted similar energy.

Once I had transitioned out of the bad job, I realized that my sense of powerlessness and fear had been generated by thinking I had to keep the awful job. When I released the dread of not knowing what I would do to get a new source of income, something beyond my power began to work on my behalf.

If you are stuck in a negative situation, sit down in a quiet place and honestly ask yourself what you really want. If you’re like most people, as soon as you articulate what you want, an excuse for why you can’t have it will pop up. Release the apprehension of not knowing exactly how you will reach your goal. Remain focused. If fear returns, instead of allowing negative thoughts to consume you, take one action toward improving your situation. Keep moving forward in faith, and patiently watch for the opening of a new door. Then courageously walk through. Have confidence that the optimistic energy you put out will come back to you. The longer you stay in a negative situation, whether it is a bad job or an abusive relationship, the more you break your heart. Nothing is worth that.

One of the best lessons we learn is that if something or someone does not feel right it is a sure sign we need to turn around and walk away. It’s not necessarily easy, but by doing nothing we are guaranteed that nothing will happen. To change our situation we must act and have faith in the truth it is often the hard decisions we have to make that lead to an easier life.

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Before You Gossip, Remember

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Banner for SSRCBefore you gossip, remember how it feels to be talked about behind your back. 

One day a man came to my door canvassing for a local politician who was running for state assembly. He spoke for a few minutes about the candidate’s qualifications and handed me a flyer. He asked if he could tell his candidate that he had my vote. I told him I wanted to investigate the man further, to do my own research, so I can make the most informed decision. He then began to bad mouth his candidate’s opponent. At that point I politely but firmly said, “Thank you for stopping by but I believe one of the most important things we must all work toward, whether it is in politics or in everyday life, is to deal with our differences by striving to reach common ground and behaving in courteous and respectful ways rather than stooping to tearing one another down.”

One of the best decisions I made is not to gossip or listen when people want to gossip about others. Many years ago I hurt someone deeply. Seeing the damage gossip did was a painful and rewarding lesson. I was so devastated that my selfish and unconscious actions hurt another person I promised myself I would not gossip about anyone again. So far I have kept my promise by catching myself should I be tempted to heartlessly go down that road. And, I politely walk away when other people want me to participate in gossiping about others.

Gossip is not the harmless pastime we often think it is. Gossip wounds hearts, destroys reputations and offers nothing positive to relationships. Most especially to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we think it is okay to spread negativity and rumor about others (friends, acquaintances, neighbors, actors, politicians, etc.) what are we saying about the value we place on ourselves?

We are doing ourselves and our society a great disservice by allowing trash-talking as normal with the egocentric rationalizations that everyone is doing it or this is just the way things are done. It does not feel good to be on the receiving end or to listen to it. Honestly, is condoning this behavior as normal the legacy we want to leave for our children? Not if we want them to live in a better world than we are. We are the ones who must stop tearing those apart who we disagree with or who we want to beat at something. We are strongest as individuals and as societies when we support one another in striving to be people of the best character possible – respectful, courteous, honest, supportive, cooperative, responsible, etc.

Imagine how the world will change for the better when we join together to actually treat others as we want to be treated. Imagine how much better we will feel about ourselves and others. Imagine how we will all begin to heal when we take the negative put-downs, tear-downs, and trash-talk out of our conversations because we know how it feels to be talked about behind our back.

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