A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

When Pain Runs Your Life

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How much more can you take?  Do you feel like the pain will never go away?  Are you devastated beyond your worst nightmare but know that life goes on even if you hate it right now?  That pretty much describes any life where radical, unwanted and unimaginable, changes dominate the here and now.  What can  you do about it?

If you’ve followed me for any time you know that I am a firm believer that whatever we are going (as horrific as it may be) is something we are meant to experience.  That is not to suggest however that we wanted it or have to appreciate it at this very moment.   In fact I’d go so far as to tell you that I hated my worst challenges. However no matter how much you may struggle and rail against your current condition there will be some point, maybe years down the line, that  you understand the value the experience brought to your life.

“Great”  you may say, “but that doesn’t help me now.”  But what if it did?  What if instead of letting the pain run (and ruin) your life you just let it be?  What if you allowed yourself to experience the pain, nightmare, the challenge, without the judgment or the struggle? If in the midst of your overwhelming grief you said to yourself, “I am going through this for a reason and I’m not going to fight it anymore?”  By allowing yourself to feel the full weight of whatever is overwhelming your life you preserve what little energy you have for something better.  (Like to start living the life you want.)

How much relief would you have by letting it happen and the realizing when you come up for air that you are still standing?  Some fights  you can’t win.  Your spouse walks out or dies, your home goes into foreclosure, your job ends.  You may have fought a good battle all along but you also know when no matter what you do it’s not going to change the ultimate loss.  Feel it, hate it if you must, but stop fighting it and start healing.

It takes time.   I used to say that I lost everything in my life except my husband and then he died.  There comes a point where you have to decide if you’re going to let the pain run your life or you’re going to just stop running.  It’s when you decide to stop the struggle that you begin to heal.

When you’re ready… do this for you.

With love, Cheryl

It’s Time To Crack The Code

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Fotolia_70982363_Subscription_Monthly_M“I’ve got to find the gift in this situation. What is it?”

“How do I manage my stress in this situation? “How!” “What am I missing?”

That was my brain for about a month. I was thinking over and over again about what I could do to reduce my stress levels when it came to the computer and telephone system at work. I am the one who would contact the techs who maintained the system, but during that month, it seemed like every day something was malfunctioning. And folks’ tempers and patience were being tested with every glitch, and I found my stress level rising and rising. One particular issue was ongoing and I became stressed beyond belief.

“What is the gift?” “What is it?” “What am I missing that will help me deal with this better?”

For decades I have lived under the premise that all of the non-preferred situations in my life serve me somehow, I just have to figure out how they serve me, exactly as-is. This way of living helped me crack the code on the abuse I experienced. It also helped me enjoy permanent weight loss, shift clinical depression and enjoy healthier relationships.

 As I found myself in a serious arm-wrestling match with a temperamental computer network, I knew that there was a way for me to crack the code on this particular recurring stressful experience. There was a life-enhancing gift in it that I hadn’t yet discovered. I knew that once I discovered the gift in it, my stress would go away because I got what I needed to understand from it.

And, my breakthrough happened during a conversation with a friend, who had high expectations of people and constantly found herself in a state of disappointment. I could relate because I remember when I used to place my well-being in the hands of others. I remember expecting things from other people and feeling disappointment when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.

I came to the conclusion that, in order to curb my disappointment, I needed to change my expectations of others. That way, when folks would keep their word and follow through without my expecting anything, I’d be delighted. I came to understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given time and we are not perfect. We can’t be all things to all people, and the best we can do is to be a wonderful friend to ourselves.

When I shared that philosophy with my friend, that’s when my own light bulb went on. I realized that I was expecting the computer network to run flawlessly, and when it didn’t, I was disappointed. Therefore, it was my own expectation that created my stress!

I thought about it. Computers are not perfect, and function beyond my control. They break down, they get hacked, underlying circuits have interruptions; there’s a lot that can go wrong. So, all that time when I was expecting the system to run perfectly, I was expecting it to do something it was not designed to do.

I cracked the code, and shifted my perspective. I now expect the network to mess up. That way, when I get a call that something is malfunctioning, I smile rather than stress, because I expected to get that call. With that, my stress is G-O-N-E, and the only thing that changed in that scenario was me. I’m back in my own driver’s seat again, happily balanced and peaceful. Thank you for the gift, wonderful and imperfect computer system. Now you can break down and I will take it in stride!

Here we are at the New Year, and it is wonderful to contemplate how we can make simple steps for real change. It is time to transform disappointment into freedom and joy, and this is how I invite you to explore doing it:

Understand that when you are disappointed, it simply means that you have unfulfilled expectations. You are expecting someone or something to do what it is not designed to do. When you release your expectations – when you accept things (and people) to be naturally imperfect rather than trying to control the uncontrollable (remember the popular definition of insanity?), your disappointment levels will go way, way down.

The next time you are disappointed, ask yourself how the situation serves you exactly as it is. Check to see what your expectations are, and what you expected to get out of it. If you find that your expectations are unrealistic, it is an opportunity for you to reaffirm your own ability to be at peace without that thing or person acting as you expected. And when you do that, you will find yourself becoming lighter, and more in control of your own happiness.

When you find yourself disappointed when people don’t do what you expect or want them to do, understand that they are doing the best they can at any given time. It is not their job to make sure that you are happy, that is your job. And all that takes, on your part, is a shift in perspective, and your non-preferred situations can be the bearers of tremendous gifts and clarity.

May this be the year that you become skilled at cracking the code in your life. Be willing to get the gifts waiting for you all year round!

Hard Decisions Lead To An Easier Life

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Banner for SSRCOften it is the hard decisions you make that lead to an easier life.

Recently someone I know was fired from a horrible job working with rude and mean people. Over the past two years she allowed herself to be used and abused. It became harder and harder to go to work, yet she continued to remain in a situation in which she had absolutely no control or power. She did not have a back-up plan. Instead of finding another position, a distorted sense of loyalty and fear kept her from taking action to move on.

I completely understand. At one time, I worked for a shady organization. I caught my boss stealing money from a fundraising event that I had designed but he had taken the credit for. He was also accused of sexually assaulting a fellow employee, plus a variety of other offenses. Management refused to address the issues because they were guilty of the same things.

Each day it became more difficult for me to go to work. My heart actually hurt when I walked into the office. One day I could not stand it anymore. No matter how much I needed the money, I refused to sell myself short any longer. The moment I decided to quit, some wonderfully positive energy seemed to align itself with me. Within a month, a great position working with good people came along. The energy I put out attracted similar energy.

Once I had transitioned out of the bad job, I realized that my sense of powerlessness and fear had been generated by thinking I had to keep the awful job. When I released the dread of not knowing what I would do to get a new source of income, something beyond my power began to work on my behalf.

If you are stuck in a negative situation, sit down in a quiet place and honestly ask yourself what you really want. If you’re like most people, as soon as you articulate what you want, an excuse for why you can’t have it will pop up. Release the apprehension of not knowing exactly how you will reach your goal. Remain focused. If fear returns, instead of allowing negative thoughts to consume you, take one action toward improving your situation. Keep moving forward in faith, and patiently watch for the opening of a new door. Then courageously walk through. Have confidence that the optimistic energy you put out will come back to you. The longer you stay in a negative situation, whether it is a bad job or an abusive relationship, the more you break your heart. Nothing is worth that.

One of the best lessons we learn is that if something or someone does not feel right it is a sure sign we need to turn around and walk away. It’s not necessarily easy, but by doing nothing we are guaranteed that nothing will happen. To change our situation we must act and have faith in the truth it is often the hard decisions we have to make that lead to an easier life.

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Life Lessons In Disguise

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When things are going well, it is easy to remain optimistic. We need only look around to observe the good in our lives. The challenge is remaining positive during difficult times, finding meaning in life’s obstacles. When we are faced with hardships, it is easy to become overwhelmed and question, “Why me?” or “What have I done to deserve this?” But what if there is something valuable to be gained in these challenging times? What if hardships provide us with invaluable lessons that make us stronger, wiser, and enable us to grow emotionally and spiritually? Often, perceived mistakes become our biggest blessings and a difficult situation our greatest opportunity for growth.

The question then becomes, “How do I keep the faith during challenging times?” “How do I trust that perceived mistakes can be blessings in disguise?” An important first step is believing there is a greater order and purpose to life than we see in the present moment, having faith in a higher power, and trusting that the universe or God can help us make peace with difficult times. Believing there is an ebb and flow to life can help us appreciate the “good” and the “bad” and see the value in both. A second step we can take is practicing self-care. When we are feeling down, we often turn to comfort foods and neglect our workout program when this is precisely the time we would benefit the most from looking after ourselves. Make sure you are getting adequate rest and exercise and eating a healthy diet; your body needs the extra care and love. Lastly, adopting a mindset of gratitude can be transformative. It shifts our focus from what has gone wrong to everything that is going right. If we expand our definition of gratitude, we may find ourselves becoming grateful for life’s challenges.

If you are able to keep the faith during difficult times, you will be able to look back on your life and appreciate the lessons, and even the many blessings, that are present in all your experiences. Perhaps losing your job encouraged you to start your own business and pursue what you are passionate about. The loss of a relationship led you to look within and learn more about yourself and what you want from life. The death of a loved one led you to explore your spiritual beliefs and come to an understanding that we are more than our physical bodies.
In order to receive these important life lessons, we must be open-minded, not get so wrapped up in our current situation that we fail to see the possibilities that surround us, challenge our definition of what it means to live a meaningful life, and understand that within every experience there is a life transforming lesson we can choose to receive.

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