A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What Do You Want Your Life To Be About

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Jack's Self Portrait
Jack’s Self Portrait

As the days keep coming and Jack’s death moves further into the past I find that I’m tired of talking about it… even though I still do.  The more I listen to myself, especially with those who don’t know that my husband has recently passed, the more I sound like a sad story-teller.  I don’t want to be that person.

Jack’s own philosophy over these last few years is resonating with me more now than before.  He never wanted to talk about his cancer because that’s not what he wanted his life to be about.  He wanted people to see him as a passionate photographer who was talented, inspirational and encouraging to anyone who wanted to develop their skills.  Up until almost the day he died many of his friends knew he had cancer but didn’t know he was dying.  That was an amazing feat considering how much he had endured.

Now, on the other side of his death, I find myself not wanting to be the widow.  Yes I am… but that’s not what I want my life to be about.  It’s not that I don’t mourn his passing.  Those close to us understand why every day I have to make a conscious choice not to crawl up in a ball and shut out the world.  If I give up now then my life would be that of the sad woman whose husband died too young.  That would be a waste of this life I’ve been given and honestly, to me, disrespectful of all he endured.

Yes it’s hard… more so than not.  However I believe there is a reason and a purpose for my experiences.  There is more for me left to do in this lifetime. I have a choice.  I can live the story that breaks my heart or I can live a life lifts me up above my pain.  It may not always be an easy choice but it is that simple.

What do you want your life to be about?  What choice will you make the be the person you want to be?  Let’s walk together…

With love, Cheryl

(The photo in this article is one that Jack took of himself… that I never knew he’d taken until after he died.  The left side of his face is obscured intentionally because that is was the part of his face and neck that were so severely impacted by the cancer and the treatments.  He didn’t want people to remember him for his suffering.)

It’s Not About What We’ve Lost

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JACKCJ1The sound of Jack’s voice, his presence in the room, being able to tell him what I discovered… just being able to talk to him.  There are just no substitutes for what I miss the most.  I have wonderful friends and family… but calling them to talk about seeing my old neighborhood or that I had lunch at Pei Wei just isn’t as satisfying as having the conversation with Jack.  (And I know they understand that.)

It’s hard not to cry every time I miss what I had with him.  That doesn’t mean I’m focusing on all I’ve lost.  It means I miss my husband.  But then that shouldn’t surprise anyone… including me. As I sit here in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.  I feel profoundly alone.  And I am… compared to what my life was.

I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Everyone in this life has or will go through some life changing event. And at this very moment according to the world clock nearly 111,000 people have died today. I’m not alone.  Some may have died suddenly and their loved ones are reeling from the shock.  Some suffered like Jack did and their family feels gratitude that the suffering is over.  For all of the people who died there are millions of us who are dealing with living after their deaths. We are not alone.

We can miss what we’ve lost without living in the past.  We can be sad because we won’t be able to hear their voices.  We can cry because we are alone.  But none of that means we’re living for what we’ve lost.  It just means we’re grieving… and that’s a part of life.

Tonight I’ll cry because I need to.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and drive south to visit my family and be grateful for their love and kindness.  I’ll give thanks for what I have and I’ll give thanks for what I had. And my life will go on.

We go on because as Jack would say, “It is what it is.”  And I know if our roles had been reversed he’d feel the way I do now.  But just like him I’ll have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the best I can and give thanks for every day, for every moment, of my life.  And that’s where we can all find our peace.

With love, Cheryl

There Is Always A Message

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We just have to be open to receive it…

This was a particularly difficult day. I don’t know why… it just was.  Driving home in tears I just wanted to hear Jack’s voice… or at least feel his presence and know he is close.  Nothing.  I just felt empty.  And there was no consoling my grief.

After dinner I decided to walk the route Jack and I use to take.  It was getting colder and I decided to wear Jack’s favorite jacket.  I just needed to feel him close.  Cleaning out the pockets I came across a silver medallion that I’d never seen before.  It said,
“One Day At A Time” on one side and on the other side is a version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn’t what I thought I wanted but it was what I needed.   And there was no coincidence that it came to me when I needed it most.  There was peace in this discovery.

Are you open to receiving what you need in some form other than what you think you should? What might you discover if you set aside your expectations and allow yourself to be comforted?

Sometimes it’s enough just to be open to the possibilities.

With love, Cheryl

 

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