A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What It Means To Set Boundaries

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There is a difference between asking for what you want in relationship and setting boundaries. Asking is expressing your feelings and desires. Setting boundaries is protecting them.  – Regina Cates

Regina BannerIn making some of the final preparations to publish my book I went to Google and did a search of several key phrases and terms I felt confident were original to me. I wanted to be certain my writings were indeed mine. I did not want to claim something someone else wrote, even if they were similar through an honest but unintended coincidence.

On the very first search I was surprised to find several of my original writings that I’d posted on Facebook on a woman’s Blog Spot page. She took my quotes verbatim but failed to attribute them to me as author. It was an example of blatant plagiarism because she had given credit to several well-known authors for their work. Each of my writings went without proper credit which gave her readers the impression they were original to her.

I wrote bringing the matter to her attention. I requested she remove all of my original writing from her site or give me credit. She was embarrassed claiming it was simply an oversight but agreed to comply with my wishes. In this case I clearly asked for what I wanted and she honored my wishes. But had she refused I would have been forced to take further action.

Asking for what we want in relationship and setting boundaries in our lives will not always be limited to family, friends, and those close to us. Regardless of the association we have with other people, no matter how distant or familiar, we must stand up for what is morally, ethically, and spiritually correct. To do so we must not be afraid to set boundaries with people who cross those lines.

No, it is not easy and it will not necessarily make us popular with those whose negative behavior is being challenged. But shining a light on unacceptable behavior is still the right action. One of the most important things to remember about setting boundaries is that our actions teach. If we clearly state what is unacceptable in relationship we are teaching others about appropriate behavior and how we value and respect ourselves. If we do not set boundaries because we do not want to rock the boat, or we feel we are protecting others by not speaking up, or we believe that challenging someone will make our life worse, we are teaching that abuse and mistreatment are okay. They are not.

For more inspiration from Regina check out her podcast.  Click the image below.

Regina Sundays

 

Money Does Not Make You Rich, Character Does

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Regina Banner

I was standing at an intersection waiting to cross and noticed a young homeless man pushing a shopping basket filled with his belongings. He had a beautiful dog with him. Then I saw an older, well-dressed man approach the young man and his dog.

The man knelt down to pet the dog. The young man was beaming, the dog’s tail was wagging so fast I thought it would fly off, and the older gentleman was smiling from ear to ear. When he stood up I saw him hand the young man some money. They exchanged a hand shake and with one last pat on the dog’s head the man turned and walked away.

When I crossed the street I caught up to the gentleman and said, “That was a very cool thing to witness. Thank you so much for what you did.” He smiled. I smiled. For several days I had a wonderful feeling for having witnessed such a sweet and loving act.

It was obvious the well-dressed gentleman had money. Money alone did not make the man’s actions noteworthy. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

It takes a person of integrity to give the attention and kindness the man bestowed on the young man. Regardless how much money the older man has he is certainly rich in admirable character because of how he made the young man and his dog feel.

For more from Regina check out her podcasts.  Click the image below.

Regina Sundays

Agree or Agreeable?

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Regina BannerI do not believe it is possible for us to agree with everyone all of the time about everything. I do believe it is possible for us to stay agreeable people when disagreeing. – Regina Cates

One day at the gym I witnessed a full-blown ego-battle between two staff people. It began when I overheard the sales director arguing with someone on the phone. Suddenly he slammed the receiver down, hanging up on the caller. The person immediately called back to complain to the general manager.

Without regard to other employees or to the members of the gym, the general manager proceeded to scream at the sales director from across the room. He screamed back. Everyone in the gym overheard the bitter exchange that included steady streams of profanity from both sides.

One of my favorite quotes is that of Albert Einstein, “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” No matter how other people behave it is always our choice to fall victim to our impulsive ego’s demands to be defended, or to be proven right, or to get someone to fall in line. We also have the choice to take a deep breath, count to five and lead with our responsible heart to stay calm, open, and focused on remaining agreeable in the midst of a disagreement.

The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, stop and take a deep breath. The goal is not to angrily force them to see your side. Anger does not result in clear communication. Anger does not solve disagreements. Anger does not lead to staying agreeable to find a peaceful, mutual solution to our disagreements. Remember, anger blinds us to any other view but our own.

Challenge your energy into listening to their point of view. Really hear what they are saying. Possibly their view will make sense. And, maybe their position is purely emotion without rational or factual substance. If there is merit to their comments then you can work to find common ground. If not, by staying open to hear them you will have brought the higher level of awareness necessary. Being the one who stays agreeable to listen, allows you to walk away without the stress that comes from butting your head against the wall of another person’s ego. It does not mean you agree with their point of view. You have simply chosen to take the higher road by not engaging with anyone who thinks it is productive to be disagreeable when disagreeing.

For more from Regina check out her podcasts.  Click the image below.

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It’s Time to Break the Mold

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 Fotolia_51739931_Subscription_Monthly_MMy friends went on a mini road trip with their three month old baby to visit family. They had a terrific time and I enjoyed hearing about it when they returned. After all, with their first child in tow it certainly was a brand new experience. And, they couldn’t be happier.

My friend is totally in love with his baby son. He is hands on and very attentive. He is eager to do whatever it takes to ensure the baby’s safety, health and well-being.

He told me that when the baby was born, he and his wife would feed him every two hours, and then a couple of months later, the baby started sleeping for four hours at night. However, after their mini road trip, the baby reverted to waking up every two hours again. We gathered that it was probably due to his routine being interrupted by the road trip, but whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. They would honor his two hour schedule until he resumed a longer sleep cycle.

For so long I had felt damaged and undeserving. But when my son was a newborn, I would marvel at how beautiful and innocent he was. That was the first time I made the connection that I, too, was once as tiny, vulnerable and innocent. It rocked my world.

When I reconnected with the idea that I was innocent, I unwittingly began my healing journey. I came to realize that the abuse I experienced as a little girl wasn’t my fault. By safely expressing my anger and sorrow, my wounds began to heal for real, and I learned to value myself authentically for the first time ever.

As I healed, my enthusiasm and optimism returned in earnest. I learned how to stop comparing myself to others and honor my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. In short, I reconnected with my own “normal.”

I think about how easy it is to simply accept the routine as it naturally unfolded for my friend’s son. And, I wonder how life would be if we reconnected with our innocence – or blamelessness, goodness, guiltlessness, and purity. What would life be like if we honored our unique timing, and understood that the non-preferred situations in our lives still render us blameless and pure?

By conforming to what we see and experience in the world, we can lose the connection with our own “normal.” We second guess our thoughts and feelings; we see someone else’s success and believe that we’re doing things wrong; and we think that connecting with the idea of innocence is like the kiss of death.

When it comes to the little ones we can effortlessly honor their timing and their innocence, yet it is beyond challenging to merely acknowledge our own. It’s as if we are clay — molded into society’s desired shape and form for us to the point where we may forget who we really are.

For example, when your feelings are hurt, I’d be willing to bet you have a, “I shouldn’t feel this way” inner dialogue to some degree. Generally speaking, the word “should” infers that the right way to do something is “out there” in the world somewhere, and is not in harmony with how you are feeling naturally. So, you ignore or judge how you feel in search of the “right” way to feel.

When you ignore or judge how you feel, you miss the opportunity to connect with yourself in an authentic way. If you are being authentic, you will acknowledge what is so for you. When you re-align with that, watch your intuition and clarity sharpen!

We must continue to break the mold of conforming to what we view as “normal.” It is time to destroy the myth that you can find happiness outside of yourself. It is time to reconnect with your innocence and self-trust. It is time to embrace your non-preferred experiences, not as a victim but as the strong and victorious person that you are.

You were born with everything you need in order to thrive on the planet. You were given the tools to gain strength and wisdom from your non-preferred experiences, and to honor yourself in the midst of them. You have the ability to reconnect with your sound judgment, good timing and beautiful innocence. May you enhance your connection to your authentic self this year and always.

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