A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It’s The Choice That Heals or Hurts

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Everyday is a new experience as I learn to live solo.  Some of those experiences are terrifying (ok a little bit of an exaggeration.)  Others may be things I’ve experienced before and am seeing them differently without another voice to share them with.  None of that sounds particularly good to me which is where the choice comes in.

May 5th would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.  Yes it was very hard. Mourning the loss of the love of my life, the sharing, the laughter, our future together, is natural. I’m OK with that. I however intend to celebrate the life we did have.  Taking this approach contributes to my healing.

Last week though marked the 3rd month of Jack’s passing.   I noted the day but made the choice not to give the day more attention than the fact it was a Friday.  The last thing that I want my life to be about is Jack’s death. To do so would just magnify my loss… and that would hurt, more.  For me it’s not a day to celebrate although yes it was a day that marked the end to his suffering.  Now however is no longer about him… it’s about how I will choose to live my life.

Jack will always be a part of me.  When you love someone as deeply as I love him our souls are inseparable.   My life now, without his physical presence, is about what I need.  I can no longer help him… or build the rest of my life around him.

I will honor my husband by the way I live my life.  I will honor myself by choosing to live fully and committing myself to living with as much joy and happiness as I can find.  It’s not always going to be easy and sometimes I’m going to be miserable.   Grieving is a process… and we all go through it.

If you’ve lost any one or any thing in your life that matters you’re grieving too.  Remember that it is your choice to heal or hurt.  Sometimes you won’t make a healing choice.  That truly is OK because tomorrow you can make a difference choice.  Be gentle with yourself, always.

With love, Cheryl

On Living

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There was a time in my life that I didn’t want to crawl out from under the covers.  I was in a place 6 years ago where I’d lost everything that was important to me, except my marriage, and with it went my desire to do anything. One night I was watching TV when a commercial for antidepressants came on and I realized that’s what my life had become.  I existed.  That’s when I began writing and how Simple Steps came to be.

To say that this year didn’t start out the way I’d hoped is an understatement.  These last years though have taught me so much about myself and the choices I can make.  Yes, I am grieving and I’m OK with that.   There is however a bigger picture.  I’m not hiding under the covers.

Every experience teaches us something new about ourselves and our resilience.   We may not like the lesson but we can celebrate something… even though it may take a little while to do so.  Jack is the love of my life (period).  But my life goes on in this world and he’s in another one.   So while I may be grieving I’m also living.

Yesterday I volunteered at the Humane Society Doggie Dash here in Portland.  Last weekend my friend Jane & I drove out to wine country and explored the little towns, shops & sat on a beautiful deck and had a glass of wine.  Next weekend I’m driving to Seattle to visit friends and enjoy the city.   In June I’m celebrating my 60th birthday with friends in San Francisco.  Life goes on. And we take it at the pace that is right for us.

We find our balance and we move on.  We honor ourselves and make the conscious decision to find happiness again.  And if we fall into a black hole or lapse backward for a while that’s OK too.  We’re allowed to feel the pain just as we’re allowed to feel the joy again.

Anyone who knew Jack & I would say that I’m doing amazingly well in these last 3 months.  I choose to see moving forward as honoring his spirit.  If Jack could die with courage and grace then I can live with courage and grace… even if I have to live without him.
Life may not always be easy… but it’s our to do with as we choose.  What do you choose?

With love, Cheryl

It’s Not About What We’ve Lost

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JACKCJ1The sound of Jack’s voice, his presence in the room, being able to tell him what I discovered… just being able to talk to him.  There are just no substitutes for what I miss the most.  I have wonderful friends and family… but calling them to talk about seeing my old neighborhood or that I had lunch at Pei Wei just isn’t as satisfying as having the conversation with Jack.  (And I know they understand that.)

It’s hard not to cry every time I miss what I had with him.  That doesn’t mean I’m focusing on all I’ve lost.  It means I miss my husband.  But then that shouldn’t surprise anyone… including me. As I sit here in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.  I feel profoundly alone.  And I am… compared to what my life was.

I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Everyone in this life has or will go through some life changing event. And at this very moment according to the world clock nearly 111,000 people have died today. I’m not alone.  Some may have died suddenly and their loved ones are reeling from the shock.  Some suffered like Jack did and their family feels gratitude that the suffering is over.  For all of the people who died there are millions of us who are dealing with living after their deaths. We are not alone.

We can miss what we’ve lost without living in the past.  We can be sad because we won’t be able to hear their voices.  We can cry because we are alone.  But none of that means we’re living for what we’ve lost.  It just means we’re grieving… and that’s a part of life.

Tonight I’ll cry because I need to.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and drive south to visit my family and be grateful for their love and kindness.  I’ll give thanks for what I have and I’ll give thanks for what I had. And my life will go on.

We go on because as Jack would say, “It is what it is.”  And I know if our roles had been reversed he’d feel the way I do now.  But just like him I’ll have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the best I can and give thanks for every day, for every moment, of my life.  And that’s where we can all find our peace.

With love, Cheryl

But Did You Ask?

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I have been doing a little experiment this month. Every morning when I wake up, as I get out of bed, I ask “What miracle will happen to me today?” Asking is easy and it puts out the energy that you EXPECT that something wonderful will happen. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, not a cure for cancer, but just a small thing you can appreciate, a thing that makes your life a little better….or the life of someone you love.

On the first day of doing this, it was the day designated to do Christmas decorating in our house. I pretty much do it solo except for the outside lights, and going to buy the tree is something my husband and I always do together…and it isn’t always easy. We always have trouble agreeing on when we are going to go, where we are going to shop, how much we are going to spend, and then the grand decision…which tree!

On this day I was going to the nursery, so as I left I said “Don’t be surprised if I come home with a tree!” As I was leaving the nursery, after purchasing my other items, I saw the most beautiful tree and decided to buy it. When I did, they said “You have a $25 credit on your account.” Bingo, discount too! Then they loaded it in my car WITH the stand…I said I didn’t need it and they said that it was included…so no struggling to make it stand up straight at home…it was already perfectly straight. Then when I got home, it was light enough that I got it to the front door all by myself! It is truly the prettiest tree we have ever had…and the easiest to get! My little miracle for the day!

Another recent miracle involved our little dog Maggie. She is older and her eyes got very foggy so we assumed she was going blind. One night she fell in the swimming pool because she couldn’t see as she walked around it. Luckily I was with her and saved her of course, but we decided to take her to the Vet to see if ANYTHING could be done. Miracle! She wasn’t blind at all…she had an eye infection from a scratch she got a couple of years ago! We are putting drops in her eyes and they are clearing right up! Dark eyes again and she can SEE…and she seems to be pretty happy about it…as are we!

These are just a couple of examples of little miracles that can happen, if you expect them. Then the final step is to take a minute to be grateful for them. This completes the cycle of positive energy. What I have learned over the years is that the source of these miracles often is your own energy…not necessarily an outside divine benefactor. There are those too of course, but this is about what YOU can do yourself.

So give this some thought…and give it a try. This is the right season for magical things to happen!

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