A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

There Is A Time For Everything

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Have you lost someone or something in your life?  Is your grief overwhelming and you feel like you’ll never get past it?  Are you willing to entertain the belief, just for a moment, that you will get past it? If you are then in that moment I’m going to ask you to just do one thing.  Recognize where you are is a just part of your journey.  You know in your heart that life goes on and so will you.

If you entertain the thought that your life will go on then you can also realize that right now might be the time you need to wallow in your sorrow. Your sorrow is as much a part of your life’s journey as being happy, excited, inspired or any more positive experience. Let it be what it is… part.

Not the whole, part.
Not the end, a view point.
When you tire of the view you can and will move on.

How do you move on?  Let your next step be about what you don’t do instead of what you do.  It’s somewhat easier that way. As someone who is learning to live again after Jack’s death here are something things I know if you’ll stop doing you’ll actually allow yourself to move beyond where you are now.

  • Stop focusing on your life without.  For example there is longevity in my family and when I really am in pain I think about living the next 30 years without Jack.  That’s a gut wrenching thought. If instead I shift my thoughts to having 36 great years with him the pain is less intense.
  • Stop listening to music that brings you down.  “See You Again” by Charlie Puth is a wonderful song that brings me to tears every time.  There is an attraction to feeling the pain of this loss but changing the station helps me more.
  • Stop spending time with your “misery loves company” friends or friends who want to talk about how great their life is.  Instead spend time with friends who make you laugh.

It’s easy to feel the pain.  It’s hard to make it stop.  It’s simple to choose something that feels just a little bit better and right now that is as good as it needs to be.

With love, Cheryl

 

The Responsibility I Have For Your Happiness

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Fotolia_56275753_Subscription_Monthly_MWe’ve all heard that happiness comes from within. Someone else can’t make us happy; we have to create our own happiness. We aren’t responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.

I agree. Yes, I’m in charge of choosing to be happy, of seeing my glass as half full rather than half empty, of concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, of not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and of opting not to ego-box with people who behave rudely.

Yet the longer I live and the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I’m convinced there is a flip side to the personal happiness coin, and it needs a lot more press. It’s that you aren’t the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too because my behavior creates a wake that sends energy outward, just like a boat creates waves on water.

When I was young, I often went out on our boat with my dad when he went fishing. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the surface. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree partly submerged in the water near shore.

           To reach my favorite spot, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight, then pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were clear of it, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.

Holding on tight, I looked backward. I didn’t like facing into the strong wind that our high speed created, but I wanted to watch the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over its surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.

After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad reduced the speed and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.

When we were moving slowly, not upsetting the wildlife, I was delighted by the dragonflies that landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.

When it came time to head back, I was disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.

Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like that boat. I too leave a wake as I travel through life. Today I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed – in the form of responsible behavior – to represent myself well to the world.

When I wrote a check that bounced, my embarrassment caused me to take my frustration out on the people at the mean old bank. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. When I carelessly threw a plastic cup, or bag, or take-out container in the gutter, I wasn’t conscious of the fact that it became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean.

As a smoker, I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others or my pets. I never thought about who was responsible for cleaning up the cigarette butts I threw on the street. Nor did I care about leaving my shopping cart behind a car, or in the middle of the parking lot, rationalizing that someone was paid to put it away. When I was financially irresponsible, I expected family, friends, the government, or strangers to bail me out.

There was a time when I behaved like a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over myself and others. Looking back, I realize my careless behavior was the result of not thinking about anyone but myself. Finally it dawned on me that I could not possibly be the only person who was impacted by the results of my behavior. That open-hearted, aha moment was what it took for me to stop seeing myself as separate and alone and start seeing myself as part of our Earth family.

The key that opened the door to my heart was when I asked myself, “How will my action feel to that person?” Taking time to put myself in another’s shoes before I act allows me to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. It does not feel good to be jerked up and down like a buoy. It is not enjoyable to be sprayed with or battered by the wake of another person’s unconscious behavior.

Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. The other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness — congratulations, by the way! — what I do does impact your happiness factor.

You are not going to be happy, no matter how much deep breathing you do, if I have a cell phone conversation while your child is onstage, or during a movie, or at the symphony. You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful, but happiness will elude you if I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn, causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window if the ripple effect of my thoughtless behavior washes negatively over you.

The flip-side to your happiness factor — the truth — is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please. I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences.

Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life come from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned that good relationships are impossible if I speed carelessly through life, behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize that when I care about the effect my actions cause, I feel fantastic about myself. I now accept that there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life not paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down enough to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness.

The Solution. One Resolution.

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I do not have a list of New Year’s resolutions. For too many years I set myself up declaring all the things I was going to change about myself, yet did not stick with long enough to actually achieve the change I wanted. Then I would spend the next eleven and a half months beating myself up for not keeping the resolutions I made.

 This year join me in breaking the habit of making a long list of resolutions. Let’s identify one thing to concentrate on, to make a consistent part of our new 2014 life style. For example, let’s focus on cleaning up and maintaining clean spaces within our homes and outer environment to enhance the universal flow of energy around and through our body, other people and pets, and the objects surrounding us.

Known in Asian cultures as Qi (Ch’i) or “life-force,” this stream of energy is the underlying reason why we feel positive and peaceful when our space is neat and clean. When our room is a mess or our home or car is disorganized, we feel stress and chaos. This belief is similar to the one I was exposed to as a child in the phrase, “cleanliness is next to godliness.”

Today I realize that being clean pertains mostly to my behavior, thoughts, and deeds. But I have also learned that when my outer environment is neat and orderly, that organization spills over into my inner environment. Less clutter means less distraction, so my energy can be more focused and productive.

To improve our mood and sense of well-being, let’s clean out our home and maintain clean spaces. This is especially important since we live in a world where collecting seems to be a widespread obsession. The chaos and stress of being surrounded by so much stuff can be emotionally and physically distressing.

At home pick up every object and ask yourself how you are impacted by it. Does an item store unpleasant memories? If so, doesn’t keeping it around make you feel uncomfortable? Taking an emotional inventory of your possessions shifts something inside you. Releasing many of your things will cause change in some long-held patterns about what really matters and makes you content.

Part of loving ourselves is caring about how our environment feels and looks. There is a deep sense of balance derived from taking time to organize and clean out closets, drawers, bookshelves, tabletops, and cabinets. We determine whether the items in our home have a purpose and a place. We give away, donate, recycle, or sell any excess. Through the effort of cleaning up our home, office, and car, we can dramatically lessen distractions and improve our sense of well-being, balance, and inner peace.

Another advantage of cleaning up our outer environment is greater inner awareness and respect for our shared outdoor space. While we may have a home with a yard that we own or rent, the entire planet is our home and residence to billions of other people, animals, and plant life. It is a heart-responsibility to care about how our actions impact the planet and delicate balance within the natural world.

For example, in Los Angeles, owners must pick up after their pets—it’s a law. I was out walking my dog when I overheard a woman comment that she did not need to pick up after her dog because its droppings were good fertilizer. There was a time I thought my dog’s poop was just fertilizer too; that is, until I took the time to learn and care about the environmental and public health safety reasons behind the law.

The Environmental Protection Agency classifies pet waste as a pollutant, just as our own bio waste is considered an agent for both viral and bacterial diseases. So, pet droppings are not good fertilizer. Even if we do not live near a body of water, animal poop can get washed into storm drains and end up in faraway streams, rivers, and groundwater.

Assessing and purging applies not only to our personal property but to the beautiful planet we call home. Take inventory of how you can properly dispose of paints, chemicals, printer cartridges, batteries, cell phones, computers, plastic bags, and other things in your everyday life that can negatively impact the natural world.

Let’s make our 2014 resolution to maintain clean spaces for everyone on the planet and all life that calls Earth home. The small actions we take do make a big difference.

Remembering the Real Reasons for the Season

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RCI have a love/hate relationship with the holidays.

I love the multicolored twinkling lights that adorn homes and offices. I adore the aroma of warm cookies and sweet treats baking. I get teary-eyed at the sounds of carolers as I am taken back to pleasant childhood memories of doing the same with my friends. I cherish the tinkling of the Salvation Army bell that reminds us of those less fortunate.

I like the confused look on my little dog’s face when I snap a photo of her in reindeer antlers. I love spending a week writing holiday cards, reinforcing my connection to treasured people in my life. I appreciate the Jewish tradition of lighting the Hanukkah Menorah for the Festival of Lights and the heart-based motivation behind the Christmas tradition of God-consciousness being birthed in the form of the man Jesus.

Yes, I love the reverence for spiritual enlightenment, festivities, fun, food and gatherings for the holidays. And I hate the consumerism that is so pervasive this time of year.

It used to be well past Thanksgiving before holiday ads started to appear. Now I am still roaming around in my Halloween vampire costume when the relentless assault begins. The twinkling lights, tinkling bells, and carolers are a mere whisper among the roar of ads for the countless “things” we should wrap up for our loved ones to show that we care.

When did what we buy become more important than standing by?  When did presents become more important than presence? When did “things” become the most important things?

I had to honestly ask myself these questions because there was a time when I had forgotten the reasons for the season and had almost drowned in debt. For too many years, I gave too many presents that were too big for my budget.

From an early age, I felt as if I was molded into being a holiday purchasing machine. I was constantly bombarded by product ads promising to make me and other people happy. I spent much of my life surrounding myself and others with things. So, I got used to whipping out the credit card, without caring how I was going to pay when the bill arrived. Nor did I stop to question if giving and receiving “things” was actually the way to joy or peace. Then one holiday season I had a life-changing “aha” while reading Charles Dickens’s classic novel A Christmas Carol.

When I first encountered Ebenezer Scrooge, I thought he was a despicable individual. He was rich and stingy, angry and miserable, seemingly without heart. He cared nothing for anyone except himself. Despising the poor and hungry, he was a cruel boss who forced poor Bob Cratchit, his ever-loyal employee, to work long hours in horrible conditions, paying him almost nothing.

Scrooge was a dastardly man, yet by the end of the tale he had become my hero. His complete transformation, from mean and miserly to kind and generous, left a deep and lasting impression on me.

The old Scrooge showed me that money, things, and power over others are not the source of joy and satisfaction. The enlightened Scrooge taught me that it is the heart connection we make with our fellow human beings and all life that creates joy and contentment in our lives. Scrooge helped me realize that to “keep up with the Joneses” or blindly follow the “gift giving” standard set for me by a global sales force was a shallow and irresponsible endeavor, one that did not align with the real reasons for the season.

Yes, the holidays are a time when we give and receive. And it pays to remember that the most precious gifts are those that cannot be purchased but come from our heart.

This holiday season let’s make the conscious decision to make presence more important than presents. Let’s place greater value on standing by, rather than what we buy, those we love.  Let’s make our relationships the most important thing.

Let’s refuse to equate consumerism with love. Let’s remember that the true motivation behind the holidays is to extend kindness, patience, peace and generosity to friends, family and our fellow human beings. Let’s remember those whose need is greater than our own. These are the real reasons for the season.

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