A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It’s Not About What We’ve Lost

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JACKCJ1The sound of Jack’s voice, his presence in the room, being able to tell him what I discovered… just being able to talk to him.  There are just no substitutes for what I miss the most.  I have wonderful friends and family… but calling them to talk about seeing my old neighborhood or that I had lunch at Pei Wei just isn’t as satisfying as having the conversation with Jack.  (And I know they understand that.)

It’s hard not to cry every time I miss what I had with him.  That doesn’t mean I’m focusing on all I’ve lost.  It means I miss my husband.  But then that shouldn’t surprise anyone… including me. As I sit here in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.  I feel profoundly alone.  And I am… compared to what my life was.

I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Everyone in this life has or will go through some life changing event. And at this very moment according to the world clock nearly 111,000 people have died today. I’m not alone.  Some may have died suddenly and their loved ones are reeling from the shock.  Some suffered like Jack did and their family feels gratitude that the suffering is over.  For all of the people who died there are millions of us who are dealing with living after their deaths. We are not alone.

We can miss what we’ve lost without living in the past.  We can be sad because we won’t be able to hear their voices.  We can cry because we are alone.  But none of that means we’re living for what we’ve lost.  It just means we’re grieving… and that’s a part of life.

Tonight I’ll cry because I need to.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and drive south to visit my family and be grateful for their love and kindness.  I’ll give thanks for what I have and I’ll give thanks for what I had. And my life will go on.

We go on because as Jack would say, “It is what it is.”  And I know if our roles had been reversed he’d feel the way I do now.  But just like him I’ll have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the best I can and give thanks for every day, for every moment, of my life.  And that’s where we can all find our peace.

With love, Cheryl

There Is Always A Message

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We just have to be open to receive it…

This was a particularly difficult day. I don’t know why… it just was.  Driving home in tears I just wanted to hear Jack’s voice… or at least feel his presence and know he is close.  Nothing.  I just felt empty.  And there was no consoling my grief.

After dinner I decided to walk the route Jack and I use to take.  It was getting colder and I decided to wear Jack’s favorite jacket.  I just needed to feel him close.  Cleaning out the pockets I came across a silver medallion that I’d never seen before.  It said,
“One Day At A Time” on one side and on the other side is a version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn’t what I thought I wanted but it was what I needed.   And there was no coincidence that it came to me when I needed it most.  There was peace in this discovery.

Are you open to receiving what you need in some form other than what you think you should? What might you discover if you set aside your expectations and allow yourself to be comforted?

Sometimes it’s enough just to be open to the possibilities.

With love, Cheryl

 

Surviving Our Worst Nightmares

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Fotolia_39873238_Subscription_XLFor the last few months I’ve been living my worst nightmare.  For most of that time Jack didn’t want anyone to know.  He never wanted his life to be about having cancer and I respected his wishes. When he died though I was grateful for the support of family and friends who grieved with me and held me up when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die too.

Every day is different.  I am grateful for the life I had with Jack and I know that focusing on all the good things will always make me feel better than thinking about my loss.   The days though that I spend alone are the roughest because I do think about all I’ve lost and of all the things I have to do alone now.  And it’s hard… very hard.

When I’m around others my grief doesn’t go away but I am able to focus on something else if only for a little while.  It is those times that enable me to realize that I will survive despite the intense pain and sorrow I feel.

What I’m learning is to allow myself to feel every emotion I have and to let it all out in a manner in which I feel safe and comfortable.  Sometimes that is when I’m alone. Other times it’s when I’m with those friends and family who are also grieving.  Once I let it all out the weight is lifted off my shoulders at least for a little while.  It is then that I can see beyond the now… and there is hope in being able to do so.

Being distracted by anything enables me to begin living my life again.  And I feel better when I do.  I’ve even laughed a time or two.  Jack would never wanted me to endlessly mourn his passing and I don’t want to stay there either.  For me that means that I need to move beyond my grief… at my own pace… and to allow myself to experiencing whatever comes my way.  It means saying “Yes” to new adventures and “No” when that is right for me.

Whatever I do honors both Jack & me because it’s always been about the choices we make.  I’m choosing to find a happier place in life despite living my worst nightmare at the moment.  And I know that Jack would be proud of me for doing so.  So along with having hope there is peace in that knowledge.  That makes happiness possible again… and it also means I will survive my worst nightmare.

And you will survive yours too. When time has passed and we’ve moved beyond the here and now we’ll be able to look back and acknowledged our strength.  Then we can make yet another choice… to not just be a survivor… but to thrive.  To find the joy in life.   Because joy is there… waiting for us to be ready to live in it.

With love, Cheryl

Connect with the Spirit of your Inner Child

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Fotolia_5492051_Subscription_LEach of us has an inner child who is longing to come out and play; to laugh, be silly, have fun and enjoy life. Our inner child is the curious, fun-loving part of our personality that seeks spontaneity and adventure. It wants to explore all that life has to offer with an open mind and heart. It knows how to have fun for the sake of having fun. Our inner child unapologetically embraces who we are, perceived flaws and all. When you connect with the spirit of your inner child healing takes place, leaving more room for joy, peace, and fun in your life.

One of the best ways to connect with your inner child is to do the things you are passionate about. So often the things we care about the most get pushed aside as we get swept up in our daily to-do lists packed with things we feel we have to do, instead of want to do. Become very clear about what matters most to you and make an effort to have your daily activities be a reflection of these things. Start taking note of the activities and people who put a smile on your face and fill your heart with joy. Notice the times when you are feeling at your best; what are you thinking? What are you doing? Who are the people around you?

To truly make your inner child smile it can be helpful to reflect on the things you enjoyed doing during childhood. What were your favorite activities? Did you have an imaginary friend? What toys did you like to play with? What games were you drawn toward? It can also be helpful to reflect on your childhood dreams. Did you envision yourself as an artist creating breathtaking paintings for the world to see? Did you imagine yourself as a teacher sharing your knowledge and wisdom with others? Childhood dreams may be expressed differently today but there are still ways to honor them. For instance, if you wanted to be a singer you could join a choir or go to karaoke. If you had dreams of becoming an actress you could take an acting class, or try out for a local play. Looking over childhood pictures can help trigger memories of things you enjoyed doing. Thinking back to these earlier years can provide insight into things you may still enjoy today but have not made time for.

So what stops us from letting our inner child play? Often we feel we need to hold ourselves back. We remain composed, serious, and ‘adult-like.’ Or we get so weighed down in the demands of daily life that there seems to be no room for fun. It is true that we have daily responsibilities and at times we need to step into our adult shoes, but it does not mean that we need to leave our inner child behind. Allowing our childlike spirit to shine through makes us more open-minded, joyful, creative, and productive. It can even make our daily routine seem more interesting. Through the eyes of a child everything is a new, exciting adventure, full of possibilities. Every situation is made more enjoyable with a little imagination.

When you allow your inner child to shine through you will see the world with new eyes; eyes of love, positivity, and joy. Give your inner child the love and approval that it is longing for by making sure your self-talk is supportive and encouraging, honoring the unique, beautiful person that you are. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Be silly, laugh, and have fun. Let the spirit of your inner child shine through in all that you do and your daily life will be transformed in many magical, fun ways.

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