A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

How to Enjoy Your Personal Fuel Injectors

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In Los Angeles, rush hour can more appropriately be called crush hour.  I have long since learned patience in the often gridlocked traffic; sometimes I feel like I can turn on the interior car light and get some work done, but I don’t.  Instead, I might blast the tunes and dance in my seat, often singing along, and sometimes at the top of my lungs.

I had to chuckle last Thanksgiving eve, though, as I slowly made my way home from work.  People were honking and cutting each other off, being in a mad rush to get wherever they were headed, perhaps the grocery store or home.  “How interesting,” I thought.  “Here we all are, getting ready to really dig in to the energy of gratitude, yet on the day before, we’re pummeling each other!”

It’s like if I complain about my life while waiting for a yoga class to start, or someone whispering about what another woman is wearing in the pew in front of her on Sunday morning, or being in a fist fight in the mall parking lot around holiday time.  By virtue of where we choose to spend our time, we can be even more mindful about how we will use that opportunity.  Many of us aren’t focused on self-improvement, but for those of us who are really intent on unlocking the door to living our greatest life, let’s be willing to deeper, starting right now!

What would it mean for you to invite gratitude into your life today?  Or compassion, or love?  Rather, to ask it differently, with things being exactly as-is, if you were to inject some gratitude, compassion or love, how would that enrich your life?  Might it help you shift your perspective, thus cutting yourself some slack?  If so, why wait for a holiday or someone else’s lead to do it?  The more you inject gratitude, compassion and love to yourself, the more energy and fuel you will have to set your heart and your life on fire!

The occasion to create each day more fabulously than the last is ever available.  How amazing would it be to incorporate compassion on a daily basis as if it were as automatic as brushing our teeth?  Or extending a helping hand to another without giving it a second thought?  Or even just letting someone merge into traffic without your blood pressure rising?  Do any of these resonate with you or does something else strike your fancy to incorporate more often?

So for today, tomorrow and each day thereafter, I wish you a deeper understanding and experience of clarity and abundance, as well as healing and love.  And if our paths cross on the roads of Los Angeles, I promise to be kind!

How Is It Possible for Hate and Love to Collide?

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Let me be clear: I hated Yoga. I have attended a Yoga class about a half dozen times over the past 15 years, and I hated – absolutely HATED – each and every one of them. The first time I went I hated it, and each time afterwards I went with a friend who asked me to go with them, and I hated it even more.

I would deeply regret being there as soon as the class would start. I was too prideful to simply walk out, so I would stay for the torture and force my body to make as good a showing as I could. No matter what, I would NOT be the one to quit.

From beginning to end, I would be cussing in my head. I kid you not. Every single moment sounded like this, “I can’t believe this sh##, why the fu## am I fu##ing here? This is by far the absolute stupidest thing you’ve ever done, Janet. You know you fu##ing hate this sh##, why the hell did you come, again? Fu## everybody! This is total bullsh##,” and on and on and on. Incessantly.

I hope you now understand that I hated Yoga.

Throughout the years, I have had friends who swear by it. I would share my disdain for it and they would recommend that I just stick with it. I would laugh. “Yeah, right,” I’d tell them.

One of my exercise DVDs has a small section of power Yoga right after the stretches at the start of the video. I would dread doing it, but in my dogged determination to get healthy after having been obese, I would do it. It was only about three minutes of torture, so I endured it. It’s been about one year since I’ve played that particular DVD, so I don’t miss doing that part at all.

Why I attended a Yoga class last week (for the first time in, literally, 10 years) I’ll never know. But, I went. I was shocked to find that it wasn’t that bad. There were a few times when I wanted to walk out because it got quite difficult for me, but I stayed with it.

The complete and total miracle was that I wasn’t cussing in my head the entire time. I think I may have cussed once or twice, but I quickly moved through it. I actually couldn’t believe the slight feeling of exhilaration I felt towards the end of the class. I think I felt like a total badass because I actually got through it, and dripping sweat from head to toe felt pretty good also. I had thoroughly stretched my boundaries (pun intended).

“Who are you, and what have you done with Janet?” I thought, as I checked the Yoga class schedule a few days later. I was tickled that I planned to go back, and when I did, I had a somewhat rocky start, but soon settled into it. I didn’t feel that sense of exhilaration like the first time. I guess as they say, the first high is the best and it’s downhill from there. But, I felt a happy and badass sense of accomplishment nonetheless.

While listening to the instructor’s voice during class, her words hit home: I made the connection of listening to my breath while moving from pose to pose, trying not to strain and keeping my breath nice, relaxed and even.

I started to get the hang of it. Rather than overachieving like in the past, I was gentle about listening to my body and allowing it to do what it could and taking breaks when I needed them. When I noticed that I was listening to my body, it brought me to a new level of understanding about myself. This was certainly an unexpected revelation.

But today, just today – my fifth Yoga class in two weeks – as I was sweating my butt off, I was grateful that the class was winding down. While settling into a pose, I noticed that I have long legs. And I thanked them for being so strong. Never before had I felt or expressed that. I realized I was connecting with my body in a brand new way.

And that’s when my tears began to flow. At that moment I realized how long I have been disconnected from my body. I already knew that I disconnected from it before first grade after I was sexually violated. I had long since already honored what I did to survive. I had already made peace with the fact that I ate for comfort. I had already become my own best friend during my dogged determination to heal myself.

All these years, no matter what I did, no matter how I had abused my body, it was rolling right along with me. Wherever I was in my mind and spirit, whether hurt, perturbed, annoyed or otherwise, my body reflected my state of mind perfectly. Whether I was overeating, overdrinking, over smoking or otherwise ignoring its needs, it changed according to my actions and choices And, it stayed strong and loyal as if it was a loving puppy waiting for some positive attention from its master.

And in that moment, all of my hard work flashed before me. Every single ounce of pain in my life felt like it was worth it for this one moment of revelation, this one moment of awareness, this one moment of clarity. In recent years my level of gratitude had already been through the roof, and today marked a deeper sense of it that was both humbling and profound.

I could actually feel my body releasing the trauma that was in there. I could hear my spirit guides whisper to me, “This is the fulfilled promise from all of your hard work.” The awareness rippled through my body like a pebble piercing the surface of a lake.

In a flash I understood that everything I had done, all of the strides I had made, all of the focus and attention I devoted to my healing journey, led to this moment of inexpressible alignment, consciousness and understanding. There’s no forcing it and there’s no rushing it. Everything happens in its own time.

I imagine that I will continue attending Yoga classes. While I don’t expect to experience fireworks every time, I look forward to shutting down the stimuli of my day and having focused moments of attention aligning with my body, strengthening the bond we established today.

I am so grateful for having been awakened to the sacred connection between me and my body, and wish you the same joy in whatever way it reveals itself to you. That will be the promise fulfilled from all of your hard work, and I celebrate it with you right now, in anticipation of its arrival.

www.janetdthomas.com

What I Can Learn from a Dog’s Life?

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Fotolia_33562716_Subscription_Monthly_MI met a lovely little dog yesterday, and her name is Sophie. Sophie is 12 years old, deaf, and just as smart and sweet as can be. When her owner picked her up, Sophie seemed to melt into her arms. Sophie was so completely content and trusting in her owner’s actions, I could actually feel it.

I then learned that Sophie had a traumatic past. Her new owner actually rescued her from near euthanization just one year before. It was such a trip to me because without knowing about her past, it seemed like Sophie and her owner had been together forever, and that Sophie hadn’t experienced one second of fear or pain.

Actually, someone had told Sophie’s owner that it takes dogs six months to forget trauma. Whether or not that’s true, I love the way that idea sparks my imagination. Here’s what’s delicious about it to me – why can’t I (or can I?) be dog-like in that way? What if I gave myself six months to grieve/be pissed/hurt about my non-preferred experiences and then move on, healed, renewed and better than ever?

In my case, I was a pro at holding on to resentment and hurt. After experiencing my own trauma as a little one, I held on to it for decades. I kept all of it secret, and my pain jumped from back burner to front burner at different times, but it always stayed with me.

I used to think that if I started to cry, I’d never stop because my pain was so deep. To me tears equaled death. However, once my choice became face the pain or die (yes, I went to the cliff’s edge), facing my pain didn’t kill me, it ultimately freed me! By facing it, I mean safely releasing my anger and hurt (with harm to none, including myself) without judgment.

It felt like I found the formula to release hurt and reconnect with my good feelings (and, by the way, this formula isn’t new, nor is it a secret). I use this formula all the time. Sometimes I “get over it” very quickly, especially when it’s a minor annoyance. And even when I give myself six months (or however much time I think I need) to get over the bigger hurts, invariably I move through them more quickly.

One time I was particularly heartbroken and I allowed my pain to just be. It was simmering inside of me. I let myself feel it without judgment. I felt a pang in my heart for months. Then one day it just bubbled to the surface. I was driving my car, and the song “Since I Fell for You” came on, and my feelings came to a head.

It felt like a dagger pierced my heart. I started crying. And crying. Then I stopped crying. And then I started crying again. I played that one song over and over again whenever I was in my car. Sometimes I would scream, other times I would cry, talk aloud and even laugh. Whatever my emotions needed to express, I let them out safely. I was “in it,” if that makes sense.

I played that one song for about a week. I immersed myself in it and just let my emotions out. All of them that had something to say – about my heartbreak, him, myself, and whatever else – got their turn.

I could literally feel the cloud over my heart lifting. My pain was diminishing and I started to feel a sense of lightness again, or perhaps I lightened up first, which, in turn, soothed my pain. Whatever it was, it happened gently and naturally. My emotions simmered down around my breakup and pretty much went away for good.

I didn’t need to play the song over and over anymore. Actually, I got sick of it. I was done grieving! From that moment on, whenever I think about that breakup, it is now simply a fact. It was an event that had occurred in my life, and now without pain attached to. Actually I was (and am) very grateful for the relationship. I keep with me what I learned, liked and disliked about it, and I continue to let it teach me more about myself. It is very, very cool.

Something tells me I’m not alone when it comes to holding on to painful experiences. Suffice to say, to transform it in six months or less for me means immersing myself in the pain (emotionally speaking) until it naturally heals. I’d still live my life while doing it. I’d still work every day, enjoy my family and friends, and allow my feelings to ebb and flow without judgment and with harm to none, including myself. I would acknowledge and embrace my unfulfilled expectations, and that’s how I break (what feels like) a spell of sadness that I’m under.

Now, when it comes to smart, sweet and trusting little Sophie and those six months, I read that because dogs totally live in the moment they don’t remember past trauma unless something happens that triggers it. I’m thinking that perhaps Sophie’s current environment is so peaceful that she is just completely chilled out. There’s no longer fear and pain, just love.

If only it were that simple for humans – to have a peaceful and trigger-less environment in order to forget all the pain. My experience is that it doesn’t happen that way… I used to find triggers regardless, even if they were only in my mind and I’d relive painful experiences over and over again.

But what if we allowed ourselves to feel the pain with the intention of getting through it rather than avoiding, judging or trying to ignore it? Why not embrace hurt and sadness, giving them some attention just as we would a more pleasant and likable aspect of ourselves? After all, they do coexist. We can feel pain alongside joy, curiosity, etc.

What if you face your pain and tell yourself the truth about how you feel about it with harm to none, including yourself? What if your triggers only summoned the memory of the event with no pain attached to it? I believe it is possible for you, and possible to live each moment, having been enriched by all of your non-preferred experiences.

At all times, I wish you Sophie’s unwavering contentment and love!

How to Cut Animosity and Achieve Self Love

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One of my talented and sensitive friends talks about a client who is hard to please. The first time she cut his hair, he complained about it. She was certain he wouldn’t return, but he did. At his next visit he expressed dissatisfaction again. And yet, he would keep coming back to her for haircuts.

He was also flaky. He would text her to call him and then not return her call. She didn’t want to continue cutting his hair because every time she saw him, she’d end up feeling badly about herself in some way.

It’s like, “Mr. Grumpy, if you don’t like the way she cuts your hair, stop going to her!” But, obviously he liked going to see her. Perhaps he’s just a glutton for punishment, or he might be someone who is only happy when there’s something to be unhappy about. Who knows?

We’ve talked about it and can’t figure out why Mr. Grumpy keeps coming back. She could just cut to the chase and ask him why he keeps coming back if he’s unhappy with the way she cuts his hair, but that would be too easy. Sometimes she prefers to bear a burden or take one for the team than put someone else on the spot.

Another choice she could make is to stop cutting his hair altogether, but she’d rather work through a challenge than slam the door on it. I look forward to seeing how it goes. Perhaps one day when he walks in she will be detached enough to allow him his grumpiness while she stays in her optimism. That’s the positive wish, anyway.

So we talked at length about that challenge. Exactly how could she use this opportunity to stay in her optimism? I have heard it said that for anything someone says to us that hurts our feelings, it takes us hearing at least seven positive things about ourselves to counteract that hurt. So, just to get back to neutral takes some doing for us! (By the way, I believe it has to do with our neuropathways being set that land in a certain place, such as a habitual thought we may have about ourselves being no good in some way. I don’t have a source to cite, so if you know of this research or information, feel free to drop me a line).

So we decided to conduct an experiment. It was her task that whenever she sees Mr. Grumpy, she will:

  1. Notice when her mood starts going south.
  2. Identify the habitual belief she has about herself when dealing with him (such as: “I’m not a good hair stylist”).
  3. Tell herself seven good things about herself, such as:
    • “I love being a stylist”
    • “I am excellent at what I do”
    • “I am kind”
    • “I am caring”
    • “I am a good friend”
    • “People love to come see me”
    • “I am thoughtful”

As she stays diligent about checking in with herself in this way, maybe when Mr. Grumpy walks in the door she will immediately associate it with pouring extra love on herself. She can be free – she can release her attachment to wanting Mr. Grumpy to change while she reconnects with her optimism whenever she wishes! We’ll see how it goes.

Do you feel badly about yourself when interacting with certain people? Since you cannot change them, why not take control by being extraordinarily kind to yourself? You deserve that.

If you are willing to say at least seven nice things to yourself when you’re feeling badly (and yes, be creative and make it fun!), you will find yourself feeling better… and faster!

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