A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What Is Constant And What Is Moving?

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fotolia_816374_Subscription_LA friend of mine was thinking about re-painting her living room because she is not in love with the original color she selected. Although everyone she asks loves it, she was still lukewarm about it.

When we talked about it, which was often, I told her to trust her instincts and make a decision. That didn’t help because she couldn’t make up her mind and she would still talk about not totally loving the color. While listening to her, sometimes I would think, “C’mon, make a decision already.” But she wouldn’t.

As I was driving one day and thinking about how we, in general, vacillate about things (and of course I am no exception!), the light bulb went on in my head.   This is a classic example of the idea spoken by Anais Nin – “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

My theory is that my friend’s mood is already in place when she opens her front door at the end of her workday.  And how she perceives the paint color is dependent upon her mood. When she’s in a good mood, she feels good about the paint job. When she is cranky, she doesn’t like it.

I discussed this idea with her and invited her to do an experiment: for five days she would observe what kind of mood she is in before she opens the front door, and to gauge how she feels about the paint after she opens the front door.

The results were:

Day 1 – She was tired but felt okay, the paint looked just okay.

Day 2 – She was peaceful and the paint looked pretty good.

Day 3 – She was cranky and the paint looked terrible.

Day 4 – She was happy and felt pretty good about the room.

Day 5 – She was happy and the paint job was okay.

Afterwards, she told me that this had been a beneficial exercise for her. Although overall she was okay about the paint color, she wasn’t truly in love with it. She thought that if she came home and was cranky, ideally, she wanted to be cheered up by the room. Therefore, she got the clarity she felt she needed and decided to change the paint color.

And there it was. She was true to her decision and changed the color of the paint, and she has been very happy with it ever since.

I appreciated going through that exercise with her because I learned a lot about myself as well. There were times when she talked to me about the color of the paint and I was okay with hearing about it for the umpteenth time, and other times I felt so annoyed about it. She was, at all times, being her truest self, and, it was my own mood that was the driver on how I felt about our interaction.

When I’m cranky, many things look bleak or damaged. However, when I’m feeling good and balanced, those very same things appear to be just fine. So, what is constant and what is moving? I am moving. All of the time. The thing I am thinking about, whatever it is, is existing in its truest state, and it is me who is changing. My perception is changing, based upon how I am feeling at the moment.

If you are willing, try this for yourself. First observe your mood and then notice how you feel about someone or something. Chances are your mood will impact your perception. Again, everyone and everything is just being itself and you are the one who is doing the perceiving. And based upon your mood, your perception may change.

Finally, when you find yourself happy and balanced, chances are you will be at peace with everything and everyone around you.

Watching The News

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Huey Lewis and the ____…

I can count on one hand the newscasts I have watched in the past two decades. I haven’t consistently watched the news since 1991 when my sole purpose in life was to stay on the planet. Because I was ((((thisclose)))) to saying “adios” by my own hand, I had to, very consciously, make the commitment to myself to live.  In order to do that, I shut out the world, pretty much, to focus on my own healing process.

And what a process it was. Turns out, I didn’t need the news (or television for that matter) at all; my personal programming – riddled with internal mayhem and toxic experiences — was plenty entertaining all by itself! In fact, the goings on in my head needed my attention for a long time. I had preferred to distract myself with others’ fiction and non-fiction stories rather than focusing on my own.

Paying attention to myself and my own needs paid off in countless ways. For one, I came to realize that after watching a news program I was more depressed and scared than I was when it started. That wasn’t good for me. As sensitive as I am, I require lots of love and support, which I learned to give to myself, and I am peaceful and balanced now, rather than depressed and scared. I keep it that way by focusing on things that I find joyous, fun and empowering.

You may feel otherwise about watching a news program; you may not feel like jumping afterwards like I do. However, if you find that you seek more peace, a sense of tranquility or balance in your life in general, here are a few suggestions that can help you do that:

  1. Be willing to spend to quality time with yourself, just to check in. Let it be okay that you think how you think. Releasing judgment is key.
  1. Focus on your experiences in a different way: check in with yourself on how you feel before you watch a particular program, meet with certain people or engage in a specific activity. Afterwards, check in again. Do you feel better, lighter, happier or more empowered?
  1. Do more of what empowers you and less of what depletes you!

You may be surprised by what you will learn about yourself as you shift your focus from worldly matters to personal ones. You may find your inner landscape more lush and beautiful than a rain forest, and the rewards of a deepening personal connection to be satisfying beyond words. By checking in with yourself and becoming your own best cheerleader, you will find that there is no one on the planet more beautiful – or newsworthy–than you!

Your True Artistry

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fotolia_816374_Subscription_LA dear friend of mine is a very talented artist. She reaches down, deep within her imagination and paints pictures never before seen. The pictures, stamped with her unique soul print, are magical. I marvel at her final products.

I’m thrilled that she isn’t shy about sharing what she creates; I am one of the first folks she will share them with. And I am so honored when she does.

She constantly asks me if I think her paintings are any good; if they might be good enough to be able to approach gallery owners or art fairs someday. If I had a dime for every time I said, “Yes, you are ready now!” I could retire. But, in my opinion, what’s more important is that she views them with pride simply because she created them. “What does it matter if someone else likes them? Let it be enough that you do.”

My words fall upon deaf ears again and again, but it doesn’t preclude me from continuing to say them. My positive wish is that one day the value she perceives in her paintings will be in tact whether or not anyone else appreciates or purchases them. I hope that someday her joy in creating them will be enough and the approval of others will be icing on a cake that is already very, very sweet.

I recognize that my friend connects with herself while she paints yet doesn’t otherwise. I know for a fact that she has never looked at herself in the mirror with appreciation and encouragement.   Perhaps if she gave herself a “You GO, girl!” from time to time, I think she would find more satisfaction in her daily journey rather than awaiting someone else’s endorsement in order to feel valuable or worthy.

Do you feel as if you are more complete when someone else praises you? Do you often seek others’ encouragement? Nobody knows what to say to you that will melt your heart more than you do. Why wait for someone else to acknowledge you in ways that are meaningful to you when you can cut to the chase and learn to appreciate and encourage yourself first?

Think about all of the times you doubted your ability to survive challenging situations, yet you did. Remember how often you questioned your ability to do something and you did it with flying colors. Isn’t that worth celebrating? Aren’t YOU worth acknowledging? The answer, in my opinion, is a resounding “YES!”

Make a shift today. Today, recall a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive, but you did. Now look at yourself in the mirror. Really look into your eyes. Yes, really. Now, say your name, then say, “I acknowledge you for surviving [that situation].” Say your name again, and say, “I appreciate you for being you. You are stronger and more beautiful than you give yourself credit for, and I acknowledge that in you today.” Look into your eyes for another moment and smile. You deserve it!

Do this at least once every day. It might feel stupid or embarrassing at first, but in time, (and perhaps in not much time at all!) you will feel a wonderfully life affirming shift. Use this simple technique to help you morph from relying on an end result for your happiness to finding true satisfaction and fun in your daily journey. That is where your true artistry lies.

 

Losers to Winners

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87451490I love team sports for the same reason I loved playing the cello in an orchestra.  I love when people come together for a common goal.  In team sports and in team music, a successfully coordinated effort brings everyone together into perceiving themselves as one unit.

Last year I followed a college football team that experienced a head coach change mid-season.  The program was perceived to be a losing one, and the university changed leadership in the hopes of turning things around.

I would have loved to interview a few of the players to see if they perceived themselves as losers.  I would be willing to guess that, given their consistent effort and support from teammates, they knew themselves to be winners.  Having emerged from a storm, perhaps they had come to the realization that, given their trials, each success, no matter how small, was very sweet.

I have a real affinity with that idea, having experienced decades of wanting to be a winner but feeling like a loser.  That is where I lived in my heart and in my head.  And, once transformed, I came to realize that my personal trials were the incredibly fertile soil in which my strength, respect and self-value were cultivated.  I came to understand that a perceived “loser” is a winner-in-becoming, and it’s an internal job.

You are a winner, period.  Ask yourself:

  • What is the value of your success in the midst of your trials?  How did your understanding of success it shift after that experience?
  • How did that trial serve you exactly as-is?  What did you come to understand about your strength and fortitude after having experienced it?
  • Given how you feel now and the insights you have come to understand, in retrospect, and based upon what you have gained, would you change those experiences?
  • What do you want to share with others who may be searching for solace in the midst of trials?

 Kahlil Gibran once wrote,

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

I invite you to consider that your own trials and tribulations are gifts for you to unwrap.  Rather than endeavor to forget them, engage your imagination to think about how they have served you.  Once you get the gifts from each of them, they will truly and softly meld within the beautiful tapestry that is your life, and enrich your self-understanding that can only catapult you forward.  All the things you desire to be are already with you.  The practice of shifting from loser-to-winner status brings your wishes to you.

I sit in the bleachers, cheering you on!

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