A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

You are Your Own Greatest Cheerleader

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Fotolia_54239935_Subscription_XXLRecently I participated in a women’s expo. Vendors converged from far and wide to share their goods – cosmetics, perfumes, hair products, clothing, self-defense items, protein powders, energy bars, and anything else you can imagine that serve women. In addition, there were speakers and workshops and do-it-yourself instructional areas. And, I was there with my books.

I decided beforehand that I would focus on sharing information I felt could brighten someone’s day. So I spent both days standing in front of my booth passing out my Heal For Real!™ bookmarks. I offered a bookmark to the women (and the few men) who walked by. While handing it to them, I shared one message from the bookmark, a phrase at the very top of it – “I am my own greatest cheerleader.”

I reminded them that they are their own greatest cheerleader, so talk nicely to themselves, and be kind to themselves because they deserve it. It was fun to see so many beautiful faces light up when they accepted the bookmark. When I shared this idea with young girls, they beamed. For me it was a completely gratifying experience

It occurred to me that loving and cheering for people is easy because we are naturally loving beings. We thrive on encouragement and support, just as children do. Even though we soak it up like a sponge, we have learned to survive without healthy doses of encouragement and support. Why is that? Why do we ration self-encouragement like we are at war with ourselves?

It may be very challenging to be self-encouraging. Perhaps we didn’t receive it growing up, and we didn’t witness others’ self-encouragement because we typically nurture ourselves through inner dialogue.

At any rate, be open to the idea of self-encouragement. Now be willing live the idea by practicing it. It is always possible to turn over a new leaf. It is always possible to learn a new habit. And the time to start is right now.

You are your own greatest cheerleader, so talk nicely to yourself. Remember that your thoughts are like clouds in the sky.   They are always changing and moving. Give yourself a break about how you think. Acknowledge yourself. Tell yourself, “I hear you” and keep things moving. You will be on to the next thought before you know it anyway!

You are your own greatest cheerleader, so be kind to yourself. You would be kind to an innocent child, wouldn’t you? In what ways would you show kindness to a little one? Apply those same words and acts of kindness to yourself.

You are your own greatest cheerleader. Talk nicely to yourself and be kind to yourself because you deserve it. So often we believe we are not valuable because we experienced non-preferred situations while growing up. We believe that if we were good, those things wouldn’t have happened. But, we experience heartbreak in many forms to show us that we have the strength to recover from them and open our hearts even more. And that takes courage, which we learn by being encouraging.

Just today, be kind to yourself in some way and you will begin to lighten up. When you transform on the inside, you transform your world. We need your light. We need your gifts. We need you to be happy and encouraged!

Janet D. Thomas

MISHAP OR MESSAGE?

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Fotolia_484183_Subscription_L-1I am in the habit of maintaining a to-do list. I don’t update it daily, although that is something I had intended to do (which is another subject altogether!).

Anyway, yesterday I opened my “non-daily” to-do list on the computer. The first thing I see at the top is the date of my previous version, which was nine days ago. NINE DAYS. I couldn’t believe it! Where did the time go?

I have been keeping my goals at the forefront of my mind while doing everything I can to keep things moving in the direction of my choosing. But… nine days? Seriously? Of course I didn’t have to scan it too much to see that most of the items were still outstanding. Now, the automatic response recipe usually has a healthy dose of disappointment mixed in with anxiety and more than a dash or two of self-scolding.

However, I have decided that there will be no more of that recipe for me, especially since I detect a very clear pattern of creating my to-do list and continuing to carry forward the tasks – over and over again.

As I have stated in my Heal For Real!™ Manifesto, “I am willing to examine the idea that everything in my life is part of my path, not an interruption.” So what I have decided to do is realize that my not getting these tasks done is part of my path. With that in mind, the first thing that happens is that I breathe a bit. And that feels pretty good!

After I take that “get off of my own back” breath, I ask myself the following questions:

  • Are my tasks things that I can actually accomplish?
  • Do I always do my very best at any given time?
  • Are my goals the same?

If my answers to any of those questions is “no” then I will explore why, and think about what I can change. However, if my answers to those questions are a resounding “yes,” then I think there is a message (and, therefore, an opportunity) in there for me.

Perhaps I don’t find the tasks enjoyable. If my journey isn’t enjoyable, what makes me think that the end result will be enjoyable? If I am in the habit of thinking the stuff I’m doing is drudge work, my habitual mindset will be focused on the idea of drudge work. I would rather live in the mindset of happy work or fun work so that I can bask within the energy of that. So, without changing anything but my mindset, perhaps I will find myself with renewed vigor and doing the tasks at hand.

Assuming that “all roads lead to Rome,” perhaps there are different things I can do that will still get me where I want to go. I can reevaluate my steps and perhaps think outside of the box to arrive at a more enjoyable course of action that will help me arrive at the same place.

And, finally:

Perhaps I am happy being distracted with other things right now. If that is the case, why not just relax and enjoy the days as they are going, which, just by itself, is a pretty good deal.

In considering these ideas, I can already feel my energy shift. I have arrived at three things that show me that, yes, there is a message for me in not getting my to-do list done:

  • Relax and enjoy the journey
  • Chill and enjoy the journey
  • Enjoy the journey!

Perhaps I will continue to keep the things on my to-do list undone, just so that I can have the feeling of lightening up, over and over again!

Heal Yourself First; Forgiveness Is A Natural By-Product

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Fotolia_38672787_Subscription_Monthly_MI have a rule when it comes to politics and religion – I don’t talk about them. I have learned from personal experience and observation that addressing them – particularly when we have differing perspectives – usually erects a wall faster than a framer.

With politics and religion I have found that nobody’s mind is changing. We typically no longer listen to each other and are just waiting for our turn to talk.  Or we will simply interrupt whoever is talking and put forth our own opinion in order to illustrate where they are wrong.

I have found that to be similar when it comes to talking about forgiveness. The automatic version typically has a “should” in it. “You should forgive others” is the mantra.

Well, I have made peace with the fact that I question things that don’t feel quite right to me. Not only do I question them, I sift and sort and massage them until I feel that the ideas resemble truth to me.

That isn’t to say that I didn’t try to forgive others first. I tried and tried to make sense out of being sexually abused. If you would have talked to me at 19, I would have smiled and said, “Yes, I have long since forgiven them… I’m good,” while sneaking food from the refrigerator. Or if you would have talked to me at 27, I would have said, “Sure, I’m okay, all’s forgiven,” while shoplifting from a department store when I had money in my pocket.

Then it came to the point where I couldn’t even focus on forgiving others; I was in such bad shape emotionally and psychologically that I needed to focus on just staying alive. I fought hard to regain balance, to feel good about myself and get a renewed sense of well-being. And I did it! I successfully pulled myself out of the pit of despair and climbed back into the world of the living (and loving) with reintroduced vigor.

It was an inside job. I began to celebrate myself as a sweet and strong eight-year-old. I honored my non-preferred actions as a teen and young adult, understanding that they were tools to survive the pain I couldn’t yet face. I finally had the courage to face my abusers (in my inner world) and let them know that what they did to me wasn’t okay. I learned to be my own best advocate and my staunchest supporter.

As I consistently watered the newly planted seeds of self-understanding and self-compassion, I began to heal. Really. Truly. Authentically. Self-worth and self-value were but a couple of fruit that were a direct result of watering those seeds.

Another fruit I bore was forgiveness. It was a pleasant surprise. Forgiveness. Really. Truly. Authentically. Easily and effortlessly, I forgave my abusers and made peace with everything non-preferred that I had experienced. What remained was love and understanding. I gained a deep understanding about wounded people wounding others. I gained a deep desire to help stop that cycle. Through love.

 “Heal Yourself First; Forgiveness is a Natural By-Product”

I shared that sentiment in social media and received corrections in return: “No, you should forgive others first then you will feel better.” I didn’t mind the rebuttal at all; I expected it. I already understood that my opinion — based upon my personal experience with forgiveness – would not be understood or embraced.

I believe that the reason we continue to try to forgive is that we know, on a deeper level, that we do not forgive. This is the very reason why I needed to examine it more thoroughly. I came to understand that the reason my forgiveness wasn’t authentic was because I tried to forgive others despite the fact that there was still a part of me that was hurting and in pain. Once I licked and healed my own wounds, in my joy, forgiveness organically followed.

I also came to understand that I was mixing a lot of things with the idea of forgiveness. In my clarity, I embraced the idea that people are forgivable; certain acts are not. We must heal so that we can eradicate abuse, in all of its forms, from our society.

If you, in your heart of hearts, find that you are not forgiving another, understand that there is an aspect of yourself that is still in pain. When you allow yourself to let that be okay, and give to yourself whatever understanding you need, you will heal. It is up to you to take care of yourself in that way. Use your imagination and become your own most loyal supporter. When you do, with forgiveness, you won’t need the word “should.”

Amazing Restraint

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If you have a PC, have you ever looked at the “properties” section of your C drive? It will have a wonderful two-slice pie chart that indicates how much memory you have used and how much memory is available. If you haven’t saved a lot of files and have only used a little bit of memory, the pie slice will be but a sliver, and the vast majority of the pie will be the memory you have available to use.

Fotolia_59374652_Subscription_Monthly_MAlternatively, let’s say that you are getting ready to enjoy a piece of pie. You slice a teeny little sliver and leave the rest of the pie intact. This is how I see what happens on the news. The vast majority of people are kind towards their neighbors, live their lives in peace and take care of themselves and their families while a very small number of folks who act out get all of the press. Why is it that we focus on the tiny sliver of stuff that appears to be going wrong rather than put the attention on the biggest piece of the pie – all that is going well?

For example, there are dozens of Arab-Israeli peace projects going on right now – some date back to the 1940’s. Do we ever hear of them?   I say not often enough. However, what might happen if we put some real attention on the peacemakers? What might it be like if we elected to not look at the train wrecks but look at the gloriously moving trains instead? I truly enjoy acknowledging what is going right. By focusing on that, my mood improves, I smile more and I feel lighter and happier.

When I was clinically depressed and doing a lot of driving to and from work, I was all too focused on my abject misery. Yet, on many days I thought about all of the workers who helped create the freeways that I took for granted. Each second I would speed along, trusting that the road would be right there in front of me to help me get to work, or to get home. And for that, and the men who created them, I was grateful. That gratitude for the simplest things helped me weather my personal storm.

Things are really, really working well among us – in our homes, neighborhoods, and communities. How can I say this with such certainty? It occurred to me the other day that we have amazing restraint. Think about it. There are words that you can say to someone you love that could break their heart. You know their vulnerabilities and sensitivities, and you choose to protect and love them rather than hurt them. Our amazing restraint is much more common than we know. And for that, I am grateful.

It could be the most wonderful exercise to stretch your imagination in order to derive gratitude from the small things that we typically ignore. Incorporating this new habit can help you look at your challenges with renewed intention and a joyful spirit. We are more loving and kind than mean and hurtful. By focusing on the small victories, we can change how we see the world, and change our personal world in the process.

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