A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

How to Cut Animosity and Achieve Self Love

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One of my talented and sensitive friends talks about a client who is hard to please. The first time she cut his hair, he complained about it. She was certain he wouldn’t return, but he did. At his next visit he expressed dissatisfaction again. And yet, he would keep coming back to her for haircuts.

He was also flaky. He would text her to call him and then not return her call. She didn’t want to continue cutting his hair because every time she saw him, she’d end up feeling badly about herself in some way.

It’s like, “Mr. Grumpy, if you don’t like the way she cuts your hair, stop going to her!” But, obviously he liked going to see her. Perhaps he’s just a glutton for punishment, or he might be someone who is only happy when there’s something to be unhappy about. Who knows?

We’ve talked about it and can’t figure out why Mr. Grumpy keeps coming back. She could just cut to the chase and ask him why he keeps coming back if he’s unhappy with the way she cuts his hair, but that would be too easy. Sometimes she prefers to bear a burden or take one for the team than put someone else on the spot.

Another choice she could make is to stop cutting his hair altogether, but she’d rather work through a challenge than slam the door on it. I look forward to seeing how it goes. Perhaps one day when he walks in she will be detached enough to allow him his grumpiness while she stays in her optimism. That’s the positive wish, anyway.

So we talked at length about that challenge. Exactly how could she use this opportunity to stay in her optimism? I have heard it said that for anything someone says to us that hurts our feelings, it takes us hearing at least seven positive things about ourselves to counteract that hurt. So, just to get back to neutral takes some doing for us! (By the way, I believe it has to do with our neuropathways being set that land in a certain place, such as a habitual thought we may have about ourselves being no good in some way. I don’t have a source to cite, so if you know of this research or information, feel free to drop me a line).

So we decided to conduct an experiment. It was her task that whenever she sees Mr. Grumpy, she will:

  1. Notice when her mood starts going south.
  2. Identify the habitual belief she has about herself when dealing with him (such as: “I’m not a good hair stylist”).
  3. Tell herself seven good things about herself, such as:
    • “I love being a stylist”
    • “I am excellent at what I do”
    • “I am kind”
    • “I am caring”
    • “I am a good friend”
    • “People love to come see me”
    • “I am thoughtful”

As she stays diligent about checking in with herself in this way, maybe when Mr. Grumpy walks in the door she will immediately associate it with pouring extra love on herself. She can be free – she can release her attachment to wanting Mr. Grumpy to change while she reconnects with her optimism whenever she wishes! We’ll see how it goes.

Do you feel badly about yourself when interacting with certain people? Since you cannot change them, why not take control by being extraordinarily kind to yourself? You deserve that.

If you are willing to say at least seven nice things to yourself when you’re feeling badly (and yes, be creative and make it fun!), you will find yourself feeling better… and faster!

The Experiement

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IMG_1041I am not a scientist but I am conducting an experiment.

I have been living with a limited sense of myself for most of my life. I am not sure where the deep sense of insecurity and self doubt came from but I am exhausted by it.

Yogic philosophy, Enneagram and Astrology, all tell me that my deep sense of personal growth is contingent on me letting go of my control issues and deep seeded insecurities.

I keep reading about it and playing with the idea but I think its time to do the experiment 100%.

If I let go, really let go, I am told that I will be able to channel the energy of the Universe and I will Know Truth. I will be more relaxed and I will feel a deeper connection with everything- the Universe, with humanity.

Sounds like bliss right? So why am I not doing it? This is a very good question.

One student said to me last night, “I think I am afraid to ask for what I really want because once I start that process there is no going back.”

Right on !!

My friend, teacher and fellow yogi, Sianna Sherman calls it “the magnetic point of radiance”, when we dare to follow our truth, when we dial in, listen deeply, go for it and then surrender. Let go of any clinging to the outcome and just go for it!

Once we move away from the Known to the Unknown or into the area of possibilities, we open up to an energy we may never have experienced. Maybe we feel like we won’t be able to handle it or that we are not worthy.

But you know what? We won’t know until we try.

What stops most of us is not a lack of desire to be free and liberated but rather the anxiety and self doubt that resides in the deepest corners of our being. We all have that nervousness that holds us back.

Isabel Hickey says,
“Nervous tension is the person in the body, giving the body a hard time”

Amen Isabel!!

Sound familiar? The reason it is said that happiness is an inside job, is because we have to give it to ourselves. No matter what our outside circumstances may be—- we have to let go of that inner control of the self with the small “s” and let the S-elf with the BIG “S” teach us to fly.

So the experiment starts today. I am looking for my core values and what it is I truly want to do in my life and I am going to go for it 100%.—- not 90 or 95% but full on.

Join me!

We inspire each other the most when we live our lives and our purpose at 100%.

I will let you know how it goes. Share your experiences with me.

Come on! Let’s go!!

 

Persistent Thoughts

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Have you ever had a thought, a conversation or an experience that you can’t get out of your mind?  Usually they are negative thoughts that persist despite all the other good in life that really should be taking precedence for us.  Why is it that that one negative overshadows all that is good?

The short answer is… because we let it.

Why do we let it?  Because there is some part of us that believes it  – might – be true.  It doesn’t matter if it is true or not we second guess what we think, feel or believe and usually because someone else said it out loud.  Now it’s stuck playing in our heads.  How do we stop the negative thoughts that someone else imprints on us?

First, don’t resist it.  I don’t know about you but if I tell myself not to think about it that is exactly what I do think about.  Instead take a few minutes and do nothing but think about it.   Give yourself the time to acknowledge its existence.  For some people that may be enough to release the grip the thought has.

Next, if the thought persists then take the time to analyze what it is about it that bothers you the most.  Is it because of who said it, how it was said or what was said?  Is it the last straw on top of a string of negative thoughts you’ve been having lately?  In your heart do you believe it or because you’re in a place of transition in your life you’re not yet strong enough in your beliefs to dismiss it easily?  Don’t try and resolve the thought at this point.  This is merely the time to understand if fully.

Now, distract yourself.  Do something you can lose yourself in.  Play with your children, watch a fast-paced movie, or perhaps work on a project that requires you to concentrate.  Choose something that doesn’t give you time to think about anything else.  The point of this step is to force yourself out of your own head and to broaden your perspective.  This step enables you to see that you can move on from it.

Anything you resist, persists.  And… Anything you try and bury will surface when you need it least. If instead you acknowledge it and make the effort to understand it you can move on from it.  Sure you may have to make a conscious effort to think differently but when you choose to think, feel and act differently you develop a strength that serves you well.  The negative thought, did not.

With love, Cheryl

A Love Note from the Universe

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A young woman exults the onset of the vivid sunset in french riviera...
A young woman exults the onset of the vivid sunset in french riviera…

Do you ever have those moments, days, weeks or …… where you just doubt yourself?   I do! In the past few years, I have surrounded myself with the Philosophy of Tantric Yoga and with as much of it which I read, study and surround myself in, one would think the self-doubt would go away. What I have come to realize is that it doesn’t just suddenly go away in a puff of smoke, but it takes a consistent effort on our part to clear the smoke from our eyes so we can see ourselves for who we really are— Divine.

I grew up Catholic and I have gleaned many wonderful things from Catholicism but I also carry around all the years of being told that we are not perfect, we are flawed in some way.

“We must work hard to clear our souls from sin and then maybe we will be worthy of Heaven.”

What I took away from Catholicism was Heaven is a future goal and there really is nothing one can do to be completely whole in the earth existence.

OK, maybe I have over simplified the church teachings but in general, religion taught me, to work hard to be forgiven for your sins and that your efforts will be rewarded in the future.

What about NOW?

Yogic philosophy, specifically the Philosophy of Tantra, teaches, we are good and perfect right now because our true nature is a piece of the Divine energy and therefore we are not flawed. The first time I heard that I felt a strong stirring in my being that whispered “Truth”.   Instead of working to be forgiven for being born human, we seek to uncover the Pure Gold that is already inside us. We may need to “work” to uncover our own “Gold”, but it is there waiting to be found. As the sages say,

“That which you are seeking, is also seeking you.”

So why do we hold onto so much self-doubt and loathing? I think of the process of letting go of it as a personal treasure hunt. Something deep inside us “knows” or “feels” that we each have an innate goodness. As creations of the Universe, we are not flawed. We are just looking for the treasure map to find our “S”elf. Along the way we have forgotten to look into the mirror to tell ourselves we are loved and that we are beautiful. We need to remind ourselves daily that we are born with an innate goodness and when it is fostered and nourished, that goodness grows until we truly believe in our own Goodness which allows us to open up to let our life fully blossom. It takes tender and diligent gardening to get this to happen. But it is worthwhile. It is what we are all about—- beauty and love and seeing both in ourselves.

Everyday, instead of dwelling on what is wrong in your life or the world, reflect on what is beautiful. Start with your own heart. There is beauty there—- look deep and see it, feel it and know it.

Recently I was having one of those days, weeks….. of self-doubt with some self loathing mixed in. It didn’t feel good. I was having trouble being my own coach. Then, I got a love note from the Universe. After dinner at a Chinese Restaurant my fortune was just what I needed to remind me, comfort me and build my resolve to keep moving forward.

 Rob

It is the fortune we all need to receive once in a while as a reminder—- so today I offer it to you because it is true- your heart is pure, your mind is clear, your soul devout. Take a deep breath and let the truth of your own beauty and innate goodness sink into your psyche.

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