A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What are you assuming?

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Fotolia_55005268_Subscription_LSo often I hear a client say that someone in their life expects them to screw up, to fail, or to be a disappointment.  How discouraging is that?  Do you feel like no matter what you do someone who is important to you automatically assumes the worst?

What ensures however is even more enlightening.   As the conversation goes on it’s filled with the same “self talk.”  Negative and defeatist but even more telling is that they are also assuming the worst about the others in their own life.  It’s that vicious circle that undermines not only the person’s growth but also every relationship they have.

I understand what it feels like to be treated as less than.   Less capable, less valuable, less, less, less.  It just makes us feel like we can’t achieve our goals, find a loving relationship, the ideal job or be able to buy that home.  When we feel that miserable it is reflected in our thoughts and conversations with and about others.  In other words we’re paying our misery forward.

While ideally we’d like the other person to be more encouraging and supportive… they may be wishing we were.  As long as no one takes the initiative we stay stuck in this Catch 22.  We can’t control the behavior of anyone else but we can change our own.  We can also start with being more loving to ourselves.

Throughout the day pay attention to your thoughts.  Are you thinking the worst… or at least something less than the best?  When you catch yourself doing so, stop, then say to yourself, “That thought isn’t working for me.” Now shift to a more encouraging thought. Here are a couple of examples:

  • Shift “I’m always going to be overweight. I have no willpower” to “I’m not in the physical condition that I want to be however I can choose today to: (Fill in the blank)  drink more water, eat a salad, take a walk.”
  • Instead of saying “I’m never going to find my soul mate” choose to say “I will open my heart to attract the perfect partner for me.”
  • Take “I can’t afford to go out with all my friends” and turn it into “I am choosing to have friends over for a potluck or BYOB.”

Each shift makes you feel better about yourself and your life.  Resolve to shift your negative thoughts about yourself as often as you can.  Make a game out of it and start to laugh at your former negativity.  Notice how much better you feel.  Now that you’re practicing so well with your own life choose to do the same for your thoughts about others.  Before long you’ll notice how your energy rises and the change in those around you.  It all starts with you.

How Do You Get Back Up When You’ve Been Knocked Down?

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Lessons in courage from an Olympian.

Short Track Speed Skating - Winter Olympics Day 8How many times have you found yourself starting again?  Have  you been knocked down by others, by circumstances, or perhaps even by your own choices?  And when you’re down do you get back up and keep going or do you wonder why even try?

Let’s admit it… it’s hard to get back up.  Especially if your life has been a struggle.  That’s the case with Olympic Short Track Speed Skater Emily Scott.  She was 7 years old when she won her first roller skating title in China.  The following year her mother went to prison for methamphetamine use.  Emily was raised by her dad and her mother is still in prison.

Despite her family life Emily was described as a determined child.  She switched from roller skating to ice skating dedicating hours to perfecting her abilities while working at night.  As she trained for the Sochi Olympics her funding was cut by 75% yet she persevered and raised over $50,000 to continue her training and send herself and her dad to Russia.

Emily failed to qualify in the 500 meter event and in the 1,500 meter a crash knocked her down and eliminated any hopes she has for a medal.  Our heart breaks for every athlete who tries so hard and still comes up short.  Emily however showed us courage in the face of defeat when she got back up after this crash and continued to skate even though she knew she couldn’t win.  She placed 5th.  The other two skaters involved in the accident didn’t even try.

We’re all going to have our “failures” in life… but as the song goes you have to “You’ve gotta get up and try try try.” Emily Scott did just that and I’m inspired by her courage against all odds.  When you think your life is hard and you want to throw in the towel think about Emily and know that you too can “get up and try try try.”  It isn’t the end of the world… it’s a lesson about your resilience.

You Can Change Your Mind

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Fotolia_30758739_Subscription_XXLDo you hesitate to make a decision because you don’t want to make a mistake?  Have you decided that the next job, the next relationship or your next home is going to be the last one so you want it to be perfect?  When we place such high expectations on ourselves we end up being stuck… and that doesn’t make us happy, satisfied or remotely fulfilled.

You can take the pressure off yourself with one Simple Step … a shift in your perspective.  Rather than thinking in absolutes decide to make your choices based on where you are in life right now.  You don’t know where you’ll be a year from now let alone five or ten years down the line so why feel you have to make a decision now for what might happen in the future?

Think of it this way.  You wouldn’t make the same decisions now that you did when you were a teenager, right?  So why think you have to make a decision now that will work for the rest of your life? Instead think of your decision as making the best choice you can based on what you know or believe right now.  Allow yourself the freedom to make a different decision when it’s appropriate for you to do so.  And that feels so much better than setting an unrealistic expectation.

You May Be Hearing but Are You Listening?

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Fotolia_55310332_Subscription_XLIs the little voice inside your head getting your attention?  Or are you hearing it and ignoring it because you don’t like what it says?  Are your friends, family, the sales person, your boss or anyone else giving you advice that is drowning out your own voice?  When we believe that someone else knows more about what we should do than we do we undermine our own sense of security.

In my “downfall” years… the time when everything seemed to go wrong in my life I was taking the advice of gurus and well-intentioned friends who I thought were more experienced than me.  The entire time my inner voice was screaming at me but I chalked it up to stepping outside my comfort zone.  I second guessed every decision I made and ultimately followed a path that someone else had recommended.

Looking back even further into my life I have come to realize that I’ve been doing something similar ever since I can remember.  In some cases my parents were protecting me or setting me to up meet their definition of success.  At other times I just wanted to be liked or be part of a crowd.   In other words I had a long-standing history of doing what I was told by someone else.

The voice that comes from within is the voice of our soul… the part of us that is more than this physical existence. Call it the god within or our higher power speaking through us.  If you believe in that higher power than you also believe that god means love.  So why aren’t we listening?

I believe we can learn to trust our inner voice.  We do so asking a question and sitting quietly as listening for the answer.  Start with a small question and listen. For example ask what  you should have for lunch or perhaps who you should reach out to today.  Then do that.  Be sure to not engage in a debate about the answer.  Take it at face value and go with the flow… so to speak.  Do this for a few weeks and each time you listen to your voice take note of how it worked out for you.  You’ll soon discover that you can trust your voice and can take it up a notch my asking about something more important.  The key here is to proceed at your own pace and to take your own counsel.

Only you have your best interest in mind.  When you learn to listen and proceed on your own advice you’ll discover the ground beneath you is tera firma!

With love, Cheryl

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