A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

When being around someone makes you feel bad about yourself

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CLM128As you’re starting your journey anew are you encountering others in your life who seem to want to tell you about their successes?  Their wonderful marriage, their fabulous job, their over the top vacations?  Do you find yourself feeling bad because you’re not where they are?

When we start over in some aspect of our lives it’s a natural tendency to think about what we’ve lost.  In my case my job and my financial security were gone and I had no idea what I was going to do.  Old friends and co-workers who went on and on about what they had triggered feelings of being a failure… and worthlessness.  I was not in a good place back then.  I started to avoid my friends and co-workers.  In doing so I felt more isolated and alone… which of course only added my misery.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it was only the people who needed to talk about what they had that were the ones I needed to stay clear of… at least until I was back on solid ground.  In so many ways these folks were afraid that what had happened to me would rub off on them or… as I came to learn some of them had a need to make themselves look better and make me seem worse.  Still others didn’t really know what I was going through.  Many were as uncertain in their own ways as I was in mine.  This doesn’t mean they were bad people… far from it.  They are just people dealing with their own issues… their way.

The good news is there are plenty of people in your life currently, who do love you, like you, enjoy your company regardless of where your journey has taken you.  And there are so many more friends you’ll meet who will only know you for who you are now.  Those are the folks you need to surround yourself with.  So rather than focusing on what you don’t have you can turn your attention to enjoying life again.

I know it isn’t always easy and we can’t always control the people we run into.  What we can do is limit the time we interact with those who aren’t what we need right now and expand the time with those we do.  There will come a time when you’re comfortable enough to keep comments in perspective and actually be happy for others.  Until then remember that it’s your life you need to build or re-build in a manner that you choose.  If you’re starting over this is your opportunity to do so on your terms and surrounded by the people you want in your life.  And that is a solid place to start.

With love, Cheryl

Want to have more support in your journey of starting over?  Cheryl is hosting a free seminar, Surfing the Emotional Waves of Starting Over,  on February 20th from 11am – noon Pacific/2-3pm Eastern.  Group and individual coaching programs are also available here.

Turning Panic into Progress

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CLmDo you find yourself wanting to just “do” something when everything seems to be falling apart?  When the panic sets in do you freeze up or, if you’re like me, do you find yourself in a frantic state doing everything that comes into your mind in hopes that you can gain control.  It took me a long time to realize that all that doing was my undoing.

When something in our life seems to be out of control… or at least out of our control… our need to be in control kicks into high gear.  There are just some things in life that we cannot control.  An “act of god,” another person’s actions or illness and the decisions of governments, businesses or organizations we aren’t actively involved in… are all examples that come to mind.  Still every one of these changes lives.

In the last five years I’ve dealt with sudden death of a my dad, Jack’s life threatening illness and my company being acquired.  I can’t even begin to tell you how helpless those events made me feel… and how my panic in each case resulted in my taking action that didn’t help. Yes, hindsight provides clarity about the event, however, why not use it to also provide new guiding principles for your life?

What worked?  What didn’t work?  What’s important to you?  These are all good questions to ponder after your panic subsides.  How did your action during these times pan out?  Some worked, some didn’t. If you can take just a few moments of your time to think about it you can set yourself up to have a bit more control when the next event triggers your panic mode.  When you realize what worked and didn’t say it out loud to yourself.  But don’t stop there, add the statement, “When I get into a panic mode again I’m going to stop and remind myself of what I learned from the last time.”

We can learn from absolutely everything we do in life.  Choosing to do so moves you onto solid ground. And from there you can do anything!

With love, Cheryl

Cheryl

How to Quit Reeling

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caregiversAre you a bundle of emotions because some part of your life has ended? Whether the rug was pulled our from underneath you or a choice you made did not end well you’re in a place that might illicit worry, fear, sadness grief or a combination of feelings that keep you up at night… or keep you from functioning normally during the day.  You don’t want to be in this place but you’re reeling from the shock of it all.

Before you add on feeling bad for feeling bad, breathe.  Yes… breathe.  Give yourself a few moments to recognize you are alive.  Breathe deep and doing nothing else but feel the air flowing into and out of your body.  Focus on just breathing for a minute or two.  You’ll discover by taking this simple step that you’ve given both your mind and body a chance to relax.

Next give yourself some time to feel all of the emotions that have come with this ending.  Whether you choose to take an hour or a day decide how long you’ll allow these feelings to dominate your mind. This doesn’t mean you’ll magically flip a switch and go back to normal.  It means that during this time you’re giving yourself permission to be ok with whatever is weighing on you.  The time limit also sets the expectation that you’ll move forward when it’s over.

Now that your immediate reaction has been vented out.  Breathe, again.  Center yourself and focus just on the flow of air in and out of your body.  At this point you should feel just slightly better than you did when this all started.   Just that slight improvement enables you to think more clearly and be just a little more objective.

While you’re experiencing this break grab some paper & pen or your computer and write down these areas of your life.

Marriage/Romantic Relationship
Other Relationships
Money
Job/career
Health
Safety
Hobbies/Interests

Beside each category write a short statement of the condition of each. For example you might say your marriage is stable, secure, love, happy, ok or ending.   Use your own words to describe each area of your life, objectively.  The point there is to take a snapshot of your entire life.  This enables you to see the bigger picture and not just what had ended.  That give your perspective to realize you’re ok.

With this knowledge the reeling slows and you discover you are already on solid ground.  And the rough spot you’ve encountered is just a pothole in life that you can get past.  For now… that realization… is all you need.

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