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It’s OK To Get Angry… But

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Regina BannerIt’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

It’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty-two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

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The Responsibility I Have For Your Happiness

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Fotolia_56275753_Subscription_Monthly_MWe’ve all heard that happiness comes from within. Someone else can’t make us happy; we have to create our own happiness. We aren’t responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.

I agree. Yes, I’m in charge of choosing to be happy, of seeing my glass as half full rather than half empty, of concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, of not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and of opting not to ego-box with people who behave rudely.

Yet the longer I live and the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I’m convinced there is a flip side to the personal happiness coin, and it needs a lot more press. It’s that you aren’t the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too because my behavior creates a wake that sends energy outward, just like a boat creates waves on water.

When I was young, I often went out on our boat with my dad when he went fishing. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the surface. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree partly submerged in the water near shore.

           To reach my favorite spot, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight, then pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were clear of it, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.

Holding on tight, I looked backward. I didn’t like facing into the strong wind that our high speed created, but I wanted to watch the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over its surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.

After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad reduced the speed and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.

When we were moving slowly, not upsetting the wildlife, I was delighted by the dragonflies that landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.

When it came time to head back, I was disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.

Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like that boat. I too leave a wake as I travel through life. Today I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed – in the form of responsible behavior – to represent myself well to the world.

When I wrote a check that bounced, my embarrassment caused me to take my frustration out on the people at the mean old bank. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. When I carelessly threw a plastic cup, or bag, or take-out container in the gutter, I wasn’t conscious of the fact that it became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean.

As a smoker, I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others or my pets. I never thought about who was responsible for cleaning up the cigarette butts I threw on the street. Nor did I care about leaving my shopping cart behind a car, or in the middle of the parking lot, rationalizing that someone was paid to put it away. When I was financially irresponsible, I expected family, friends, the government, or strangers to bail me out.

There was a time when I behaved like a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over myself and others. Looking back, I realize my careless behavior was the result of not thinking about anyone but myself. Finally it dawned on me that I could not possibly be the only person who was impacted by the results of my behavior. That open-hearted, aha moment was what it took for me to stop seeing myself as separate and alone and start seeing myself as part of our Earth family.

The key that opened the door to my heart was when I asked myself, “How will my action feel to that person?” Taking time to put myself in another’s shoes before I act allows me to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. It does not feel good to be jerked up and down like a buoy. It is not enjoyable to be sprayed with or battered by the wake of another person’s unconscious behavior.

Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. The other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness — congratulations, by the way! — what I do does impact your happiness factor.

You are not going to be happy, no matter how much deep breathing you do, if I have a cell phone conversation while your child is onstage, or during a movie, or at the symphony. You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful, but happiness will elude you if I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn, causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window if the ripple effect of my thoughtless behavior washes negatively over you.

The flip-side to your happiness factor — the truth — is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please. I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences.

Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life come from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned that good relationships are impossible if I speed carelessly through life, behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize that when I care about the effect my actions cause, I feel fantastic about myself. I now accept that there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life not paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down enough to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness.

I’m Gay And Where I Live People Hate Me

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Ask-Regina-250

Dear Regina,

I am gay and live in a place where gay people are hated. I am surrounded by people who say they are “religious” but there is no way I can be myself in an environment of such prejudice and hate. Why do people hate, especially those who say they are spiritual? Alex, W. 

Dear Alex,

Following a religion and being spiritual are two different things. Spirituality is the path of personal reflection and investigation to find truth that aligns with love – acceptance, compassion, and non-judgment. People who hate while calling themselves “religious” are spiritually lazy, allowing themselves to be controlled by and hand fed the doctrines of others. Without investigating for ourselves we do not appreciate that everything changes. The natural progression of change includes our understanding that ancient religious texts were written in a time when women had no power, there was no science, no technology, and no questioning authority whatsoever.

Sexuality is now known to be biological in nature. But some people still perpetuate judgment based on antiquated thousand-year old beliefs. Those people have not done the personal investigation necessary to “learn” that science offers new information that was not available when ancient religious texts were written.

Stay true to who you are. You cannot change anyone. People who perpetuate judgment based on ancient beliefs will only change when they question their beliefs with the goal of seeking truth. If you continue to live where you do, then know that by being the best person possible you are an example of what it actually means to live true spiritual values.

The Solution. One Resolution.

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I do not have a list of New Year’s resolutions. For too many years I set myself up declaring all the things I was going to change about myself, yet did not stick with long enough to actually achieve the change I wanted. Then I would spend the next eleven and a half months beating myself up for not keeping the resolutions I made.

 This year join me in breaking the habit of making a long list of resolutions. Let’s identify one thing to concentrate on, to make a consistent part of our new 2014 life style. For example, let’s focus on cleaning up and maintaining clean spaces within our homes and outer environment to enhance the universal flow of energy around and through our body, other people and pets, and the objects surrounding us.

Known in Asian cultures as Qi (Ch’i) or “life-force,” this stream of energy is the underlying reason why we feel positive and peaceful when our space is neat and clean. When our room is a mess or our home or car is disorganized, we feel stress and chaos. This belief is similar to the one I was exposed to as a child in the phrase, “cleanliness is next to godliness.”

Today I realize that being clean pertains mostly to my behavior, thoughts, and deeds. But I have also learned that when my outer environment is neat and orderly, that organization spills over into my inner environment. Less clutter means less distraction, so my energy can be more focused and productive.

To improve our mood and sense of well-being, let’s clean out our home and maintain clean spaces. This is especially important since we live in a world where collecting seems to be a widespread obsession. The chaos and stress of being surrounded by so much stuff can be emotionally and physically distressing.

At home pick up every object and ask yourself how you are impacted by it. Does an item store unpleasant memories? If so, doesn’t keeping it around make you feel uncomfortable? Taking an emotional inventory of your possessions shifts something inside you. Releasing many of your things will cause change in some long-held patterns about what really matters and makes you content.

Part of loving ourselves is caring about how our environment feels and looks. There is a deep sense of balance derived from taking time to organize and clean out closets, drawers, bookshelves, tabletops, and cabinets. We determine whether the items in our home have a purpose and a place. We give away, donate, recycle, or sell any excess. Through the effort of cleaning up our home, office, and car, we can dramatically lessen distractions and improve our sense of well-being, balance, and inner peace.

Another advantage of cleaning up our outer environment is greater inner awareness and respect for our shared outdoor space. While we may have a home with a yard that we own or rent, the entire planet is our home and residence to billions of other people, animals, and plant life. It is a heart-responsibility to care about how our actions impact the planet and delicate balance within the natural world.

For example, in Los Angeles, owners must pick up after their pets—it’s a law. I was out walking my dog when I overheard a woman comment that she did not need to pick up after her dog because its droppings were good fertilizer. There was a time I thought my dog’s poop was just fertilizer too; that is, until I took the time to learn and care about the environmental and public health safety reasons behind the law.

The Environmental Protection Agency classifies pet waste as a pollutant, just as our own bio waste is considered an agent for both viral and bacterial diseases. So, pet droppings are not good fertilizer. Even if we do not live near a body of water, animal poop can get washed into storm drains and end up in faraway streams, rivers, and groundwater.

Assessing and purging applies not only to our personal property but to the beautiful planet we call home. Take inventory of how you can properly dispose of paints, chemicals, printer cartridges, batteries, cell phones, computers, plastic bags, and other things in your everyday life that can negatively impact the natural world.

Let’s make our 2014 resolution to maintain clean spaces for everyone on the planet and all life that calls Earth home. The small actions we take do make a big difference.

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