A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Before You Gossip, Remember

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Banner for SSRCBefore you gossip, remember how it feels to be talked about behind your back. 

One day a man came to my door canvassing for a local politician who was running for state assembly. He spoke for a few minutes about the candidate’s qualifications and handed me a flyer. He asked if he could tell his candidate that he had my vote. I told him I wanted to investigate the man further, to do my own research, so I can make the most informed decision. He then began to bad mouth his candidate’s opponent. At that point I politely but firmly said, “Thank you for stopping by but I believe one of the most important things we must all work toward, whether it is in politics or in everyday life, is to deal with our differences by striving to reach common ground and behaving in courteous and respectful ways rather than stooping to tearing one another down.”

One of the best decisions I made is not to gossip or listen when people want to gossip about others. Many years ago I hurt someone deeply. Seeing the damage gossip did was a painful and rewarding lesson. I was so devastated that my selfish and unconscious actions hurt another person I promised myself I would not gossip about anyone again. So far I have kept my promise by catching myself should I be tempted to heartlessly go down that road. And, I politely walk away when other people want me to participate in gossiping about others.

Gossip is not the harmless pastime we often think it is. Gossip wounds hearts, destroys reputations and offers nothing positive to relationships. Most especially to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we think it is okay to spread negativity and rumor about others (friends, acquaintances, neighbors, actors, politicians, etc.) what are we saying about the value we place on ourselves?

We are doing ourselves and our society a great disservice by allowing trash-talking as normal with the egocentric rationalizations that everyone is doing it or this is just the way things are done. It does not feel good to be on the receiving end or to listen to it. Honestly, is condoning this behavior as normal the legacy we want to leave for our children? Not if we want them to live in a better world than we are. We are the ones who must stop tearing those apart who we disagree with or who we want to beat at something. We are strongest as individuals and as societies when we support one another in striving to be people of the best character possible – respectful, courteous, honest, supportive, cooperative, responsible, etc.

Imagine how the world will change for the better when we join together to actually treat others as we want to be treated. Imagine how much better we will feel about ourselves and others. Imagine how we will all begin to heal when we take the negative put-downs, tear-downs, and trash-talk out of our conversations because we know how it feels to be talked about behind our back.

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End Dreadful Dating Forever

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Fotolia_46852714_Subscription_Monthly_MDating! Who actually enjoys it? No one is probably the honest answer. No matter how young or old you are; or how new to it or long you’ve been at it, dating is no fun.

The unfortunate part of it all is that it’s absolutely necessary. It’s actually down right good for us. It helps us to get to know ourselves better, grow and expand in the ability to be more comfortable presenting ourselves to the world (hopefully your true self), and also get clearer about the things that we do and do not want in our lives.

Good for us or not, most singles don’t like doing it and those in committed relationships are too quick to offer that they are so glad they don’t have to do it any more. What is it about the dating process that is so undesirable?

I believe that one of the first things is that people forget that it’s a process. It’s not meant to be hard or easy. It’s not meant to be successful every time. We become incredibly attached to the outcome, and we often attach some sense of self worth or value to the experiences. I always advise clients to treat dating like a job interview. You may be totally capable, beyond qualified to “fill the position” but it doesn’t mean you are the right fit. This truly isn’t personal. What it does mean is that there is something even better and more worthy of all you have to offer and bring to the table still out there.

Second, dating can be an excellent way for you to practice really “showing yourself.” This person doesn’t really know you that well. If the date goes horribly wrong for some reason, you’ll probably never see them again and it’ll have virtually no impact on your life. So flaunt your stuff! Have you always felt like you had to wear floor length skirts and conservative tops, but there’s a hot momma dying to get out? Then go for it on a date. Do you often silence your opinions and ideas for fear that someone won’t agree with you and get upset? Practice dropping original thoughts and perspectives into the conversation on a date. You don’t have to go “balls-to-the-wall” with these new aspects of yourself. Just a little, as much as you are comfortable, until you get more comfortable with more. Don’t worry that your date will get the wrong impression of you or reject you because you let your real self come through. If this person was truly right for you, they’ll love the hints of the true you which you are willing to share. Part of why some of us dislike dating is because it feels like we have to put on a show, or hide parts of our self. News flash…you don’t

There are tons of dating tips and advice that I could dole out, but I think one of the last suggestions for taking the dread out of dating might be to remember to not play games. So many people get turned off to the idea of dating because they think everyone is playing games. Simply put…you attract what you put out there. So if you are fearing that people are being dishonest with you or playing games with you, bingo, that’s what you’ll get. If you yourself are worried about seeming to easy, or too available, or too interested and are contriving your responses, behaviors, or emotions to try and fit some old adage about dating “rules”; you will encounter others that are “playing the game” right back. Like it or not, this is universal truth. Instead, remember that you can’t screw up ending up with “the one”. If you are meant to be with someone, letting your feelings be expressed or showing the real level of interest that you have won’t mess things up. If you come on strong and authentic and revealing, and dude or dudette is turned off and runs the other way, GOOD! This just saved you both a lot of time and effort figuring out if you are compatible. Do you really want to date or end up in a relationship with someone who you have to constantly be monitoring your emotions and reactions with? My guess is no.

Dating, like everything else in our lives, is just yet another human experience we chose to have. Yes, you chose to have it. There is much to learn and help us grow from meeting these new people.

Sometimes there might not be a love connection, but perhaps a new friend. Or, they may turn you on to a new activity or organization that you really enjoy. Sometimes they show you all that you really do want, and sometimes solidify the things you don’t.

Treat dating as an experience that is meant to help you grow, and release the drudgery of dating.

Dating A Boy Of A Different Kind

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Fotolia_52949512_Subscription_XXLYou consider yourself part of the bohemian lifestyle, all things commercialized are a disgrace, and no “real” job should interfere with doing what you love and finding your purpose. He on the other hand, is suit by day and part of the whole mind-numbing rat race. He has the stylish apartment and the BMW; and yet, you met him in the organic food section at the supermarket. You started swamping recipes and realized you enjoy each other. He makes you laugh. You love cooking together or eating at ethnic restaurants, but a lot of things are off limits. You don’t like the same music, same places for weekend get-away’s, and you find his friends shallow. Can you overcome the differences even though you really, really enjoy him as a person?

Or, what if you are an attorney making your way to partner and he is the manager of a taco bell? You met him at a chic new martini bar and he was dressed to kill. You never would have guessed that he comes home smelling like grease every night. He has no ambition to leave or advance. He likes his little world. He definitely has a lot of mental and philosophical similarities, but he is a beer drinking mans-man and you don’t have a lot of similar interests. He gets discouraged when he can’t afford to do things for you or you want to do things that he can’t afford to do. Some things you just can’t relate to, but you love your time with him anyway.

Is this relationship doomed straight from the start, or is there a way to make it work?

I think it really depends on what the differences are and how important it is to you that they be the same. You are hopefully mature and secure enough to know that you don’t have to have the same interests. If he loves NASCAR and Budweiser, you don’t have to share that. Occasionally sacrificing a few hours on a Sunday just to watch part of the race with him is great but other than that, use that time to go to an art gallery or catch up with the girls. Do something you know he’s not totally into that you like. Conversely, do you see him making efforts to partake in the things that you enjoy that he could care less about? This give and take of small compromises is vital in a lasting relationship.

If the differences are of fundamental issues, like work ethic, priorities in life, or values…you would be best to take some time to examine how important they are to you, but chances are this isn’t going to work. Does he have a disgruntled relationship with his family and think it’s totally odd that you actually like to connect with yours regularly? This could be an issue, especially if he acts like a two-year old about your insistence that it is important to you that he attends your nephew’s baptism. Do you need growth and adventure as a regular part of your life? Where as he would rather stay spending his weekend in the lazy boy for the rest of his days? This is a needs and values difference. Don’t sacrifice what you believe, or need, for him. You’ll eventually come to resent it. Don’t try and convert him to your ideals either. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you.

Sometimes being open to the world, lifestyles, and viewpoints outside of our own is really enlightening, and fulfilling. Just because you’ve always gone for the retired college jock type, doesn’t mean your true partner won’t be a sensitive, open mic poet type. Anytime we restrict our options, or keep ourselves in a box we are probably not having the fullest experience we could be.

All this being said, you want to make sure the core beliefs are the same if nothing else. It is important to know that your relationship needs will be met, one way or another, in some form. Just as you shouldn’t restrict yourself in seeing what might be appealing and work, don’t limit your ability to get your needs met.

Sometimes you can have not enough in common. People can be too opposite. Opposites don’t always attract!

The Responsibility I Have For Your Happiness

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Fotolia_56275753_Subscription_Monthly_MWe’ve all heard that happiness comes from within. Someone else can’t make us happy; we have to create our own happiness. We aren’t responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.

I agree. Yes, I’m in charge of choosing to be happy, of seeing my glass as half full rather than half empty, of concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, of not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and of opting not to ego-box with people who behave rudely.

Yet the longer I live and the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I’m convinced there is a flip side to the personal happiness coin, and it needs a lot more press. It’s that you aren’t the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too because my behavior creates a wake that sends energy outward, just like a boat creates waves on water.

When I was young, I often went out on our boat with my dad when he went fishing. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the surface. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree partly submerged in the water near shore.

           To reach my favorite spot, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight, then pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were clear of it, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.

Holding on tight, I looked backward. I didn’t like facing into the strong wind that our high speed created, but I wanted to watch the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over its surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.

After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad reduced the speed and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.

When we were moving slowly, not upsetting the wildlife, I was delighted by the dragonflies that landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.

When it came time to head back, I was disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.

Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like that boat. I too leave a wake as I travel through life. Today I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed – in the form of responsible behavior – to represent myself well to the world.

When I wrote a check that bounced, my embarrassment caused me to take my frustration out on the people at the mean old bank. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. When I carelessly threw a plastic cup, or bag, or take-out container in the gutter, I wasn’t conscious of the fact that it became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean.

As a smoker, I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others or my pets. I never thought about who was responsible for cleaning up the cigarette butts I threw on the street. Nor did I care about leaving my shopping cart behind a car, or in the middle of the parking lot, rationalizing that someone was paid to put it away. When I was financially irresponsible, I expected family, friends, the government, or strangers to bail me out.

There was a time when I behaved like a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over myself and others. Looking back, I realize my careless behavior was the result of not thinking about anyone but myself. Finally it dawned on me that I could not possibly be the only person who was impacted by the results of my behavior. That open-hearted, aha moment was what it took for me to stop seeing myself as separate and alone and start seeing myself as part of our Earth family.

The key that opened the door to my heart was when I asked myself, “How will my action feel to that person?” Taking time to put myself in another’s shoes before I act allows me to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. It does not feel good to be jerked up and down like a buoy. It is not enjoyable to be sprayed with or battered by the wake of another person’s unconscious behavior.

Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. The other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness — congratulations, by the way! — what I do does impact your happiness factor.

You are not going to be happy, no matter how much deep breathing you do, if I have a cell phone conversation while your child is onstage, or during a movie, or at the symphony. You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful, but happiness will elude you if I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn, causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window if the ripple effect of my thoughtless behavior washes negatively over you.

The flip-side to your happiness factor — the truth — is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please. I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences.

Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life come from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned that good relationships are impossible if I speed carelessly through life, behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize that when I care about the effect my actions cause, I feel fantastic about myself. I now accept that there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life not paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down enough to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness.

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