The hardest thing for me since Jack died is coming home to an empty house. It’s not that I dread it. This is the last place we shared. It’s the emptiness I feel driving home. And while my cats may greet me when I arrive I know it’s only because they want their treats. Needless to say it doesn’t compare to coming home to Jack.
I’ve had people already tell me not to worry that I’ll find someone else. The first few times I heard that it really ticked me off. Don’t they understand that I have no desire to replace the love of your life?!? Then I realized their advice was a reflection of their own fears. I now say a silent prayer for them and change the subject.
Still there is a void in my life that is as vast as my love for Jack. One of my favorite songs these days is “One Hell of an Amen” by Brantley Gilbert. While it always brings tears to my eyes it reminds me of Jack’s strength to the very end. It came on the radio when I was driving home on Friday and at that moment it hit me that I wasn’t “fighting the good fight” and I have probably many years to live. For me, for my life “fighting the good fight” is a metaphor. It’s not about struggling… it’s about living life to the fullest. I can focus on the void or I can fill it with love. Love for myself, love for others, love for whatever brings me joy and happiness.
Climbing out of the chasm created by Jack’s death is far from easy. Sometimes I’m going to slip and other times I may fall but I’m going to keep taking it one (simple) step at a time, fighting the good fight to keep my own sanity. And that will be my “One Hell of an Amen.”
“An’ that’s One Hell of an Amen
That’s the only way to go
Fightin’ the good fight
Til the Good Lord calls you home
So be well my friend
Til’ I see you again
Yeah this is our last goodbye
But it’s a Hell of an Amen”
– Brantley Keith Gilbert