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Filling The Void

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Fotolia_81889275_Subscription_Monthly_MThe hardest thing for me since Jack died is coming home to an empty house.  It’s not that I dread it. This is the last place we shared.  It’s the emptiness I feel driving home.   And while my cats may greet me when I arrive I know it’s only because they want their treats.  Needless to say it doesn’t compare to coming home to Jack.

I’ve had people already tell me not to worry that I’ll find someone else.  The first few times I heard that it really ticked me off.  Don’t they understand that I have no desire to replace the love of your life?!?  Then I realized their advice was a reflection of their own fears.  I now say a silent prayer for them and change the subject.

Still there is a void in my life that is as vast as my love for Jack.  One of my favorite songs these days is “One Hell of an Amen” by Brantley Gilbert. While it always brings tears to my eyes it reminds me of Jack’s strength to the very end.  It came on the radio when I was driving home on Friday and at that moment it hit me that I wasn’t “fighting the good fight” and I have probably many years to live.  For me, for my life “fighting the good fight” is a metaphor.  It’s not about struggling… it’s about living life to the fullest.  I can focus on the void or I can fill it with love.  Love for myself, love for others, love for whatever brings me joy and happiness.

Climbing out of the chasm created by Jack’s death is far from easy.  Sometimes I’m going to slip and other times I may fall but I’m going to keep taking it one (simple) step at a time, fighting the good fight to keep my own sanity. And that will be my “One Hell of an Amen.”

“An’ that’s One Hell of an Amen
That’s the only way to go
Fightin’ the good fight
Til the Good Lord calls you home
So be well my friend
Til’ I see you again
Yeah this is our last goodbye
But it’s a Hell of an Amen”
– Brantley Keith Gilbert

On Living

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There was a time in my life that I didn’t want to crawl out from under the covers.  I was in a place 6 years ago where I’d lost everything that was important to me, except my marriage, and with it went my desire to do anything. One night I was watching TV when a commercial for antidepressants came on and I realized that’s what my life had become.  I existed.  That’s when I began writing and how Simple Steps came to be.

To say that this year didn’t start out the way I’d hoped is an understatement.  These last years though have taught me so much about myself and the choices I can make.  Yes, I am grieving and I’m OK with that.   There is however a bigger picture.  I’m not hiding under the covers.

Every experience teaches us something new about ourselves and our resilience.   We may not like the lesson but we can celebrate something… even though it may take a little while to do so.  Jack is the love of my life (period).  But my life goes on in this world and he’s in another one.   So while I may be grieving I’m also living.

Yesterday I volunteered at the Humane Society Doggie Dash here in Portland.  Last weekend my friend Jane & I drove out to wine country and explored the little towns, shops & sat on a beautiful deck and had a glass of wine.  Next weekend I’m driving to Seattle to visit friends and enjoy the city.   In June I’m celebrating my 60th birthday with friends in San Francisco.  Life goes on. And we take it at the pace that is right for us.

We find our balance and we move on.  We honor ourselves and make the conscious decision to find happiness again.  And if we fall into a black hole or lapse backward for a while that’s OK too.  We’re allowed to feel the pain just as we’re allowed to feel the joy again.

Anyone who knew Jack & I would say that I’m doing amazingly well in these last 3 months.  I choose to see moving forward as honoring his spirit.  If Jack could die with courage and grace then I can live with courage and grace… even if I have to live without him.
Life may not always be easy… but it’s our to do with as we choose.  What do you choose?

With love, Cheryl

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