A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What I Can Learn from a Dog’s Life?

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Fotolia_33562716_Subscription_Monthly_MI met a lovely little dog yesterday, and her name is Sophie. Sophie is 12 years old, deaf, and just as smart and sweet as can be. When her owner picked her up, Sophie seemed to melt into her arms. Sophie was so completely content and trusting in her owner’s actions, I could actually feel it.

I then learned that Sophie had a traumatic past. Her new owner actually rescued her from near euthanization just one year before. It was such a trip to me because without knowing about her past, it seemed like Sophie and her owner had been together forever, and that Sophie hadn’t experienced one second of fear or pain.

Actually, someone had told Sophie’s owner that it takes dogs six months to forget trauma. Whether or not that’s true, I love the way that idea sparks my imagination. Here’s what’s delicious about it to me – why can’t I (or can I?) be dog-like in that way? What if I gave myself six months to grieve/be pissed/hurt about my non-preferred experiences and then move on, healed, renewed and better than ever?

In my case, I was a pro at holding on to resentment and hurt. After experiencing my own trauma as a little one, I held on to it for decades. I kept all of it secret, and my pain jumped from back burner to front burner at different times, but it always stayed with me.

I used to think that if I started to cry, I’d never stop because my pain was so deep. To me tears equaled death. However, once my choice became face the pain or die (yes, I went to the cliff’s edge), facing my pain didn’t kill me, it ultimately freed me! By facing it, I mean safely releasing my anger and hurt (with harm to none, including myself) without judgment.

It felt like I found the formula to release hurt and reconnect with my good feelings (and, by the way, this formula isn’t new, nor is it a secret). I use this formula all the time. Sometimes I “get over it” very quickly, especially when it’s a minor annoyance. And even when I give myself six months (or however much time I think I need) to get over the bigger hurts, invariably I move through them more quickly.

One time I was particularly heartbroken and I allowed my pain to just be. It was simmering inside of me. I let myself feel it without judgment. I felt a pang in my heart for months. Then one day it just bubbled to the surface. I was driving my car, and the song “Since I Fell for You” came on, and my feelings came to a head.

It felt like a dagger pierced my heart. I started crying. And crying. Then I stopped crying. And then I started crying again. I played that one song over and over again whenever I was in my car. Sometimes I would scream, other times I would cry, talk aloud and even laugh. Whatever my emotions needed to express, I let them out safely. I was “in it,” if that makes sense.

I played that one song for about a week. I immersed myself in it and just let my emotions out. All of them that had something to say – about my heartbreak, him, myself, and whatever else – got their turn.

I could literally feel the cloud over my heart lifting. My pain was diminishing and I started to feel a sense of lightness again, or perhaps I lightened up first, which, in turn, soothed my pain. Whatever it was, it happened gently and naturally. My emotions simmered down around my breakup and pretty much went away for good.

I didn’t need to play the song over and over anymore. Actually, I got sick of it. I was done grieving! From that moment on, whenever I think about that breakup, it is now simply a fact. It was an event that had occurred in my life, and now without pain attached to. Actually I was (and am) very grateful for the relationship. I keep with me what I learned, liked and disliked about it, and I continue to let it teach me more about myself. It is very, very cool.

Something tells me I’m not alone when it comes to holding on to painful experiences. Suffice to say, to transform it in six months or less for me means immersing myself in the pain (emotionally speaking) until it naturally heals. I’d still live my life while doing it. I’d still work every day, enjoy my family and friends, and allow my feelings to ebb and flow without judgment and with harm to none, including myself. I would acknowledge and embrace my unfulfilled expectations, and that’s how I break (what feels like) a spell of sadness that I’m under.

Now, when it comes to smart, sweet and trusting little Sophie and those six months, I read that because dogs totally live in the moment they don’t remember past trauma unless something happens that triggers it. I’m thinking that perhaps Sophie’s current environment is so peaceful that she is just completely chilled out. There’s no longer fear and pain, just love.

If only it were that simple for humans – to have a peaceful and trigger-less environment in order to forget all the pain. My experience is that it doesn’t happen that way… I used to find triggers regardless, even if they were only in my mind and I’d relive painful experiences over and over again.

But what if we allowed ourselves to feel the pain with the intention of getting through it rather than avoiding, judging or trying to ignore it? Why not embrace hurt and sadness, giving them some attention just as we would a more pleasant and likable aspect of ourselves? After all, they do coexist. We can feel pain alongside joy, curiosity, etc.

What if you face your pain and tell yourself the truth about how you feel about it with harm to none, including yourself? What if your triggers only summoned the memory of the event with no pain attached to it? I believe it is possible for you, and possible to live each moment, having been enriched by all of your non-preferred experiences.

At all times, I wish you Sophie’s unwavering contentment and love!

I Hear Music

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My neighborhood is getting more and more popular, and we have active social lives. We get lots of visitors and because of this, parking has been more challenging recently.

A few nights ago I had to park around the corner. As I walked down the street to my house, I could hear music from my neighbor’s house. Their daughters take music lessons and one of them was practicing the piano. It sounded wonderful!

I smiled as I remembered one of my childhood friends who lived across the street and practiced the drums every day. As kids we used sneak over there and listen outside his bedroom window; he became that good. He has been a professional drummer for decades now, and has toured the world with top artists.

I did pause outside my neighbor’s house. I imagined that the only sound in the house during that hour was the sweet sound of the piano. I imagined that everyone else was reading, writing, or quietly spending time together. Knowing them, it was easy to imagine that there was no television or other electronic distractions, just themselves, learning.

I smiled as I thought about what folks might say years later about the girls’ musical achievements, knowing that I bore witness to it as it developed.

I was grateful for having to park and walk that night, because it reminded me of cool, lazy and peaceful evenings I experienced while growing up. I was delighted to know that, in this day and age of technology, there is still live music being played by children in the heart of the hustling and bustling city.

Understand that when you connect with a pleasant memory, smell or sensation from your past, it amplifies and sweetens your present moment. You can open up to experience more memories by saying to yourself, “I am willing to remember any and all of my pleasant memories to give me a smile today.”

As the weather warms and you continue to enjoy Spring and then cross the bridge into Summer, may you too enjoy cool, lazy and peaceful evenings. May you welcome its rejuvenation, and take pause to acknowledge the magic from your past. Breathe it in as deeply as you can, and allow it to inspire you here and now.

 

Embracing The Memories

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Mama-JoI’m not sure if it’s because I’m at a certain point in my life and it’s just the way the Universe works or if it’s just a coincidence but I feel that I am surrounded by many who are going through the process of losing a parent, a sibling or a spouse. In the past few months, I have passed on my condolences to many, by quoting a man who I only know via email, “Their absence has now become their presence.”   The first time I read this, I was so moved because it totally hit home for me. My parents pass away 10 years ago and yet, there are still many moments in every day where I find myself spending time with them.

Ten years ago this month, my mom (Mama-Jo) went into the hospital for a surgery to repair an Abdominal Aortic Aneurism – a very lengthy and ominous procedure where the possible outcome was less than in her favor. But she and my Dad made the decision to move ahead with the surgery given that the Aneurism could have burst any time, in its own time, resulting in sure death. So with bravery in her eyes and a Knowing in her Heart that everything was going to work out for the best, she set out on this incredible journey.

After a nine hour procedure she was moved to Intensive Care where she spent four months moving towards recovery. In May of that year she was moved to a Rehabilitation Facility – she was on her way home. But early one morning in late May, she became just too tired to keep trying and left this earthly plane to begin anew.

Two days afterwards, my Dad presented my Siblings and I a letter which Mama-Jo had penned in early January of 2005 :

My Dear Children and Grand-children,

            If you are reading this – I did not survive my surgery. This is not the way I wanted it but God has seen fit to call me home at this time. While I am leaving dear ones who love me, I am going to other dear ones who have gone on before me.

            Kathy, Steve and Mark – I love the three of you so very much. I was not the perfect mother but I never wanted anything but the very best for each of you. It is hard to lose a parent, someone you love, I know how it hurts not – but time will heal your pain and there will be only wonderful memories of all the great times we have had together.

            I love your families, Tom, Eileen and Rob, the Ones you have chosen to spend your lives with, and I love your children so much – Adrienne, Ashley, Stephanie and Alex – you are all so dear to me. It would have been wonderful to see you all marry and start your families and to see Alex play Major League Ball someday. My wish is that you will all stay close as a family, especially you, Kathy, Steve and Mark – family is so important, please don’t break the bond.

            I know that you are all hurting right now. I know you all love me and will grieve and miss me for some time and that’s the way it should be, but time will heal the pain and sorrow and God will help you – lean on Him. He will be there for you if you let Him. He loves you all.

            I know your father is going through a really bad time – he has been so good to me, he has really been my rock. Please keep in touch with him and help him through his pain – all of you must help each other.

            You have been wonderful children. When I think of the pain other kids cause their parents, I thank God – how lucky we were – but if it had been otherwise, I would still love you and would never have turned my back on any of you.

            I may have a few personal things that each of you may like to have – I can think of a few. I have talked with your dad about these things – he knows my wishes and when he is ready to part with them he will see to it you can have what you would like.

            Dear Kathy, I love you so much. You have been a loving and caring daughter – but most of all you have been a great mother. I am so proud of you – you are so caring and unselfish. I know it was not always easy for you but you raise two beautiful daughters and they love you dearly. I pray for yours and Tom’s health and happiness and many more years together.

            Steve – I love you so very much. You have always been my wanderer – you still are. Thank God you have always come back home. I’m proud of your honesty and kindness, always willing to help out, always there when you were needed. A wonderful boy who grew into a fine man. I wish you and Rob a great future – good health and happiness.

            Mark – I love you so very much, I know you know that. You were always my little man and you have grown into a wonderful, kind and fine man. You are such a blessing, such a good father. Your children are very lucky. Much happiness for you and Eileen.

God bless you all, I am so very proud of all of you.

You are all very much like your father. I may have given you a sense of right and wrong and caring, but your father gave you his strength and perseverance and I am very happy about that.

This has been very hard to write – my last Good-bye. God bless you all and keep you in his loving care. Love one another, until we are together again – and I am sure we will be – I am forever.

                        Your Loving,

                                    Mother

 She never met Carson, Dylan, Brook or Bryce, but they will know her, through our stories, pictures and the multitude of joyful memories – YES, her absence has become her presence!

The longer I live, the more I understand Mama-Jo’s words. Memories are sacred! (See “A Day At Home”.) We can hold everyone we have ever met close to hearts by simply bringing to mind a memory of that person. Through our pictures and stories we can manifest them back to life – and, while they are around, we can laugh and cry with them, and we can lean on them and ask for help, inspiration and guidance.

I believe that as long as there is one person still on this planet who remembers me after I have passed, I am still alive, for their memories of me keep me so.

Peace and much Love,

Steve

Is My Life On Autopilot?

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JG1The question to answer is this: Is my attention present? Consciousness is only ever here now. Thoughts and feelings cannot occur anywhere other than in the present moment. Our physical body exists only in this moment. However, our attention is unfixed in time and space. Our attention drifts away from the present as we experience memories or imagine the future.

Mind is a condition of existence arising from the ever-present consciousness. Observe: if you are absorbed in a memory or thoughts of the future, whether pleasant or unpleasant, the mind is doing this now. Thoughts and feelings rise and pass now. Right now, many people are experiencing feelings connected to memories, while others are anticipating the future.

Our observations of incoming data are immediately placed in context with our past experiences. Because of this process, many people live in the moment as if it equals the past. Are we aware in the moment of our thought and feeling choices, or are we running on autopilot? Are we living our lives in response to what is happening now, or are we reacting to present input based on our past? Do we simply go about running our prerecorded programs? Context predisposes us toward living on autopilot. Often, our routines lull us to sleep, and our attention drifts. This is not good or bad, it just is.

When we live on autopilot, an event occurring now may be unconsciously associated with something that happened in the past. Or, a future event may be equated to a similar past event. If that event was pleasant, we could develop expectations about how the future event will bring joy. Imagine our disappointment if the future doesn’t measure up to our hopes. Dreading a future event is also rooted in our autopilot program.

Is our attention on choosing what we think and how we feel right now? When we practice awareness in the moment, the observer is awake. Awakened, we observe our automatic and habitual thoughts and feelings. In our awakened state, we have the freedom to choose our responses to what is happening now. Awakened, we notice how thoughts and feelings arise and pass—without analysis or attachment. Awareness of the present is often referred to as mindfulness. Mindful focus on the present is powerful because it takes us off of autopilot and restores our power of choice for our emotions, thoughts, and (re)actions.

With a mindfulness practice, we are able to observe and end our habit of reacting to this moment as if it equals the past. With practice, mindfulness relives anxiety about the past and the future. Being aware in the present moment isn’t about forgetting our past or ignoring the future. Keeping our attention present is about making conscious choices. Mindfulness brings our attention to the content of our thoughts and feelings. This action returns us to the point of power—which is now. Keeping our attention present enhances our journey because we stay awake to our moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings that create our experience of reality right now.

The goal is not to forget the past. Our memories contain gifts. Some of our memories are very pleasant; some are not. The feelings happen now. Perhaps a memory helps us learn to forgive ourselves or others. Maybe we are learning to release guilt, or perhaps we are growing to realize that the way my life is today is in my power now. The gift may be learning to let the past go. What if the gift is practicing shifting attention away from the past and into the moment? My point is that memories have something to teach us when our attention is present. Planning for and taking action toward our future is also valuable. We plan for the future with our attention present.

I want to share my simple process: First, I observe that I’m dwelling on a memory. Second, I notice how I’m feeling in the moment. Third, I consciously choose what I want to think and feel in the present. Notice that I don’t beat myself up for drifting into a memory. I welcome my freedom to choose my thoughts and feelings now. I also follow this process when I observe myself future-tripping. I invite you to try this approach if it appeals to you.

While our thoughts and feelings can only occur in the inescapable present, our attention drifts. Running our lives on autopilot equals a surrender of our power. Habitually worrying about past or future events wastes the moment. Nonetheless, our past is a teacher worthy of our respect, and dreaming of a brighter tomorrow may birth positive change—now.

We are living a lifetime. Our memories of the past arise now. Our thoughts about the future occur now. The context of our experience is ever present. Paying attention to the content of our thoughts and feelings allows us to respond to life events in the present. Observe, without judgment or attachment, present thoughts and feelings. Then, decide if a shift in attention is desired. Under all circumstances, be gentle with yourself.

The awakened life requires practice. In every moment ask: Is my attention present? Just asking the question brings our attention into the moment. There are endless resources and countless teachers to assist you if mindfulness is a process that attracts you. I assure you that practicing mindfulness costs nothing. Mindfulness need not be tied to religious doctrine, yet that option is available if you find it fulfilling. I have the highest respect for your discovery and practice of present attention methods that serve you. However you decide to shut off autopilot, enjoy the journey.

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