A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What’s Your Love Language?

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shadow love JawDroppingPhotography

The other day I had a conversation with a client who mentioned that the woman he was dating didn’t really even know how to be a good friend, let alone a date. It got me thinking about the “5 Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman.

Chapman based his work on his own longtime relationship with his wife and over 30 years of counseling. He suggests that we fall into one of 5 areas when it comes to how we express emotional love saying, “Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.” (You can take a short quiz to find out yours at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

I shared with my friend that I thought many people today would benefit from taking a look at the 5 basic ways not just as a lover, but as a friend. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your friend took the time needed to recognize, or was present to, the particular way you liked to be treated, your own love language.

The five basic ways are:

  1. Words of Affirmation – Simply put, if this is your language you like to be told often how much someone loves you, why they love you. You like compliments and words of appreciation.
  2. Gifts – If this is your language you love to receive thoughtful gifts, gifts from the heart. They don’t have to be expensive, they simply need to express how much you were thought of, how much you are cared for.
  3. Acts of Service – You love it when your partner, spouse (or friend) pitches in to help with the dishes, takes the trash out or does your laundry. Anything he/she does to lighten your load is going to make you gaga for them over and over again.
  4. Quality Time – Nothing is more important to you than spending quality time with your friend/lover if this is your language. You look forward to turning the T.V. off, sitting with a cup of tea and sharing a few moments connecting deeply.
  5. Physical Touch – A person whose primary language is Physical Touch thrives on a gentle touch, a warm hug, a pat on the back, and holding hands. Whether it’s a friend or lover, what they crave is physical presence.

Each and every one of us has a particular way we like to be treated that may differ from our partner or friends. It might not be easy, at first, to speak your friend or lovers language, especially if it differs from yours. It makes sense to take the time to understand what sparks the people in your life so you can help them feel more loved. Isn’t that really what we are here for?

Love Your Life

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R&S Photo 1This is the inaugural article of “Themes for Life”, a monthly column for Simple Steps, Real Change Magazine. In our column we want to share themes from our lives that we hope will resonate with the overall themes of your life. Life is all about connections – let’s connect! This first article coincides with a big mile-stone in our personal lives. The first week of September marks an important event in our journey together. September 3, 2014, we will celebrate 28 years together. Wow! Now that’s something.

We have shared a lot of adventures in our time together. Early on we sold all of our possessions and back packed through Europe. On our first spiritual quest we moved to Cripple Creek, CO to work for and with the author-astrologer, Linda Goodman. We owned and operated a magical little retail shop in downtown Cincinnati, OH called Lefthanded Moon. For twelve years we ran a manufacturing company that was named for all things beautiful – Vertu. A few years ago we moved to Albuquerque, NM to attend a unique Massage School. Currently we find our call to service as Licensed Massage Therapists, Personal Trainers and Yoga Teachers. We’ve been together through it all – side by side, one picking up the pace when the other was tired or experiencing doubt or fear.   Today, as in the past 28 years, we own only one cell phone; we carry only one wallet and own only one car! Our friends love to tease us about this calling it “THE phone” or “THE wallet”.   How can we do this, you may ask? Well, we are together 24/7.  That’s right! We are literally now, and have been together almost every moment of every day.

We began our relationship as good friends, and as it evolved into a loving partnership, we realized that we really like being together.   We knew in those early days in Cripple Creek Colorado, a remote mountain town of 450 people, we wanted to spend as much time as possible together. At each stage in our relationship we asked the Universe to present us with opportunities to allow us to work and travel together. Wish granted. Early on we worked as bartenders and servers in the same restaurant – we had the same shifts; traveling Europe we were side-by-side from Athens to London; working in Colorado we would sit across from each other at Linda’s kitchen table; in our retail shop, it was always just the two of us; at the manufacturing company, our desks were right next to each other’s and in school for massage we studied and practiced as a team.

RS-Brad-SmithThis type of relationship is not for everyone. And even with all our togetherness, the most important component in our relationship is allowing each other to grow and develop as an individual. With a full sense of individuation, we come together to build and nurture the partnership.   We are together physically, emotionally and spiritually most of the time. But we still need and crave “me time”.   There is a relationship each of us has with ourself that needs as much nourishing and attention as any outside relationship in our life – maybe more!

Early in our relationship, when we were developing our personal spiritual practices, we discussed the possibility of reincarnation. It was then we decided to start our meditation practice so we could find each other faster the next time around. This may sound a little childlike. That’s OK. We work to keep a sense of childlike qualities in our relationship, like being open, honest and trusting.  Our practices have helped us! They help us to see, the deeper we love ourselves and the more we acknowledge our unique spark of creation and feed that spark, the more we find we are alive, happy and whole. Our journey together led us to a deeper understanding of Self Love. Without this Self-Love, our relationships dissolve into a co-dependency that leaves our Souls hungry for something deeper. The hunger is for a connection with Self first and foremost. Self-Love is a learned behavior. We need to foster and nurture it throughout our lives. We believe it is one of our greatest quests in life.

We’ve learned many things about life and living over the past three decades. One of the many things we learned from Linda Goodman was about numerology (the study of the power and the spiritual vibration of numbers, as presented by Chaldean-Hebrew Kabala). We celebrate our anniversary on the 3rd. In numerology that means our anniversary and our relationship, vibrates to the number 3. Three is described as representing idealism, higher education, foreign travel and religion. Three is the number of optimism, movement, expansion – and the Holy Trinity of the Body, Mind and Spirit.   On first read about the number three in 1989, we hoped this would come to pass. One of the many gifts of maturity is to have the opportunity to look back. As we ponder the last twenty-eight years, we realize these words…Idealism, Movement, Expansion and the Holy Trinity of Body, Mind and Spirit really do describe our relationship – it captures the essence of our lives together – seeking truth and freedom at every turn.

Our individual journey and quest for Self-Love enabled us to create our relationship of idealism, movement and expansion. Through our practices we know the companionship we hold with our Self, is what leads us to truth and opportunities for self-growth and understanding. So enter again the number three. The trilogy we are experiencing is Steve – Rob and then SteveRob. Whether or not there is a significant “other” in your life, you always have the opportunity to romance the Self and Love Your Life.

If there is no outward three in your life, create your own inner trilogy. In numerology, the number one represents creativity, protection, benevolence. ONE is the number of original action, the initiating bases of all other numbers. There cannot be a 2 or 3 without the 1.

How do you romance your Self?

Take some time each morning to be with you. Do this in meditation, yoga or journaling.

Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself, “I love you”. If in the beginning, you find this declaration of love difficult, start by winking or smiling at yourself.

Eat food that is nutritious, drink lots of water, take walks, move your body. Make the effort to quiet the ego voice so you can hear the Me voice.

Create your own trinity of Body, Mind and Spirit.

We have much gratitude for the longevity of our relationship and all the opportunities for growth it has afforded us. We also have gratitude for our individual journey and our romance with our SELF.

The love most of us seek outwardly is actually a buried treasure in our own heart. Dig for gold friends. You are richer than you know right now in this moment.  Love Your Life!

Create A Ritual Of Light And Love

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light and loveGreeting the day ahead

The other day my mom and I were discussing how some people naturally bounce out of bed with a  smile on their face ready to take on the day, while others can barely muster enough energy to put one foot on the ground.  Fortunately both my mom and I are the former.  As an extra bonus, my father was also one to wake up extremely happy – sometimes too happy, says my mom.  At 82, she still wakes up with a smile on her face, eager to greet the day ahead.

So, when people ask me how I can remain so positive, so blissful, I can honestly reply “I come by it naturally”.

Obviously that is not the case for everyone.  What does one do when they don’t wake up with a spark?

Create a ritual of light and love.

If you’ve ever had the opportunity to witness the sun rising over the water or a mountain top, then you have experienced the beauty in the Universes daily ritual of light; the beauty of those small rays’ of brilliant light that swiftly expand into a golden ball, illuminating the morning sky.  This ritual takes place all over the world, every single day of the year, whether we witness it or not.

Taking our cue from Mother Nature, we can illuminate our own lives by creating a private ritual of light and love each morning in the privacy of our own home or space.  Even though I naturally wake up in a good mood, I still practice a morning ritual.  For me, it seals the deal on the day ahead.  Life will still happen;  there will be bumps along the way.  Knowing that I have established an intention for my day makes those bumps a little less painful.

My ritual goes something like this:

Before I even set a foot on the ground I begin thanking God/Source/Divine/Universe whatever you call it for another night’s rest and another day ahead.  I thank my tribe, both seen and unseen, the angels, all divine beings, ascended masters, elders and Mother Earth.  Then I make coffee!

While my coffee is brewing I light a candle, look out in my yard and begin radiating love to my community, to the entire world, and see that light expanding through the day ahead in how I interact with family, animals, clients, colleagues and friends, bringing that love back to me.  I greet the day, grounded in a loving embrace.

This is the ritual I have created for myself.  Any practice offered on a regular basis soon becomes a habit.  Create your own ritual of light and love and soon you’ll be waking with a sunny disposition every day of your life!

Old Words, New Meanings…

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During the 20th century, we had the opportunity to be made fully aware of ALL the different cultures in the world, all the different religions, all the different ways there are to be human. What a rich tapestry we as humans weave!  Because of that global exposure, we now see that each culture has its own definition of certain words…really big words, like GOD, LOVE, FAMILY, HONOR, JUSTICE. But beyond our current education/exposure, we each also carry deep inside our consciousness what those words meant to our specific ancestry.  Those beliefs are so ingrained it us that we most often aren’t even aware of them.

Fotolia_40307467_Subscription_Monthly_MFor some of us, what we believe certain words to mean may be holding us back from a chance to shift away from the beliefs of our ancestors, beliefs that were practical for a completely different time that but no longer serve the modern mind. They are so powerful that we may be avoiding using them or even thinking about them.  It can be frightening because on some level, we believe that if we go “against” those rules of order, we will suffer, we will be punished. So how do we feel “safe” in exploring other possibilities? Many of us don’t think about them at all.  We in the West live in a very materialist world for the most part these days…so it is just easier to avoid thinking about certain things and get on with our daily commute to work or dinner plans.

One of the words that has always befuddled me is LOVE.  We all understand what personal love is…even if we don’t have it at the moment. Parent to child, lover to lover, human to pet dog…you know what I mean.  But so many spiritual teachers use the word today with a broader meaning and I find it confusing.  They talk about it as a “thing” that exists, outside the personal.  That it is a power that connects us all, that it is “All there is.”  Huh?  How can that be the same thing as what I feel for my husband, my niece?  Well, short of coming up with a new and more descriptive word about that “energy that is all that is”, last year I found this description that really solved my quandary, and here it is:

“Love is not a feeling.  Love is a spiritual energy.

Love is pure creative energy at its highest level

Love expressed in human form actualizes your Divine Self.”

                                                 – Barbara King

I love “actualizes your Divine Self.” I hope you find this helpful the next time you hear someone talking about “love” in this context. Or if you can come up with a better word so the two aren’t confused, please let me know!

Another word I have always had trouble with is GOD.  Deep in my thinking, I believe that GOD is an all-powerful being outside myself that can pick and choose who has abundance and joy, and who starves and suffers.  Every culture for as long as we have recorded history believes that their GOD controls their lives and they must be honored or even worshiped in some way for personal self-protection.

Now, in this time, because I see how many different “Gods” are worshiped in how many different ways around the world, I needed a new description.  I needed a description that would bring control of my life back to me…at least a little bit!  So I came up with this:

G.O.D.  Gridwork Of Divinity

If you can imagine a network of energy around the planet…one that glows with life…one that is dynamic, moving, creating. Then imagine that you can “connect” with that grid and feed and receive energy from it. Also visualize that this grid can ONLY carry positive energy in it…nothing negative. Imagine that the energy there is Divine…omnipresent in its beauty and power to protect and manifest.  That is a vision or definition of G.O.D. that makes sense to me…that I can participate with, not be dominated by. I am part of it and it is part of me.

If you have a good relationship with your God, this doesn’t take anything away from that…because deep down it is all the same thing.

From in my twenties, I started using the word “Light” as a synonym for both Love AND God!  You will see it used more and more…and iN a way I believe that it does represent both Love and God. There is light, and there is darkness or absence of light. I believe in the places where there is an absence of light bad things can happen.  I try to flow “light” to every situation I can. Many people are able to “see” energy (light) in living things.  I can’t…wish I could, but I can’t…not yet anyway.  But I can “feel” it in certain people.  I can feel an abundance of light and life or an absence of it, in which case they feel “cold” to me. So is “shedding light” on a situation the same as praying for a good outcome?  I kind of think so.

I hope you find these thoughts about a couple of words that have vexed me for a long time helpful.  I am guessing that if these words bothered me, they might have bothered a few other people too, so I hope you find this useful.

I would love to hear from you.  I feel called to help people connect with their Divine selves so they can make the best decisions in their lives…so that they can be and feel love of the highest order…so they can be their own happiness generators and know that true happiness comes from within, not from an outside source.

Write to me at voiceofyoursoul@gmail.com

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