A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Say Something

by

people, relationship and love concept - close up of womans cupped hands showing red heartFor the longest time when Jack was sick I didn’t want to tell anyone… mostly because he never wanted anyone to see him as anything but who he was.  He didn’t want to be defined or treated differently because he had cancer.  I respected his wishes… it was his life.  In his last few weeks he agreed to see people… because he knew they needed to see him and say their “good byes.”  There was never anything easy about this time for those who came to visit but it meant so much to him that they did come.  He couldn’t speak much in the end but as his wife I could tell that these visits helped him realize that he made a difference in this lifetime… and he did.

This week I received and e-mail telling me that an old friend just found out he has terminal cancer. Though I hadn’t spoken with him in 16 years I dialed his number and was overwhelmed to hear his voice again.  Coming through all I’ve been through these last few years I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for what he and his family were and would be going through.  He didn’t know about Jack and maybe knowing that helped him to understand why I reached out to him.  In the years we knew each other he was a trusted friend and a larger than life inspiration who I respected and admired. I never told him that… but I needed to (for me) and I wanted him to know.

It’s hard to know what to say at times like these.  If you speak from your heart you will always say the right thing.  Jack didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him and I’ve never wanted anyone to pity me for losing him.  But knowing someone cares always, always helps.

There are three people in my life who by knowing them have made me a better person… and inspired me to be more than I am at this moment.  One has died, one is dying and one has no idea.

Say something.  Tell the people who have meant or mean something to you that you care… before you can’t.

With love,
Cheryl

Embracing The Memories

by

Mama-JoI’m not sure if it’s because I’m at a certain point in my life and it’s just the way the Universe works or if it’s just a coincidence but I feel that I am surrounded by many who are going through the process of losing a parent, a sibling or a spouse. In the past few months, I have passed on my condolences to many, by quoting a man who I only know via email, “Their absence has now become their presence.”   The first time I read this, I was so moved because it totally hit home for me. My parents pass away 10 years ago and yet, there are still many moments in every day where I find myself spending time with them.

Ten years ago this month, my mom (Mama-Jo) went into the hospital for a surgery to repair an Abdominal Aortic Aneurism – a very lengthy and ominous procedure where the possible outcome was less than in her favor. But she and my Dad made the decision to move ahead with the surgery given that the Aneurism could have burst any time, in its own time, resulting in sure death. So with bravery in her eyes and a Knowing in her Heart that everything was going to work out for the best, she set out on this incredible journey.

After a nine hour procedure she was moved to Intensive Care where she spent four months moving towards recovery. In May of that year she was moved to a Rehabilitation Facility – she was on her way home. But early one morning in late May, she became just too tired to keep trying and left this earthly plane to begin anew.

Two days afterwards, my Dad presented my Siblings and I a letter which Mama-Jo had penned in early January of 2005 :

My Dear Children and Grand-children,

            If you are reading this – I did not survive my surgery. This is not the way I wanted it but God has seen fit to call me home at this time. While I am leaving dear ones who love me, I am going to other dear ones who have gone on before me.

            Kathy, Steve and Mark – I love the three of you so very much. I was not the perfect mother but I never wanted anything but the very best for each of you. It is hard to lose a parent, someone you love, I know how it hurts not – but time will heal your pain and there will be only wonderful memories of all the great times we have had together.

            I love your families, Tom, Eileen and Rob, the Ones you have chosen to spend your lives with, and I love your children so much – Adrienne, Ashley, Stephanie and Alex – you are all so dear to me. It would have been wonderful to see you all marry and start your families and to see Alex play Major League Ball someday. My wish is that you will all stay close as a family, especially you, Kathy, Steve and Mark – family is so important, please don’t break the bond.

            I know that you are all hurting right now. I know you all love me and will grieve and miss me for some time and that’s the way it should be, but time will heal the pain and sorrow and God will help you – lean on Him. He will be there for you if you let Him. He loves you all.

            I know your father is going through a really bad time – he has been so good to me, he has really been my rock. Please keep in touch with him and help him through his pain – all of you must help each other.

            You have been wonderful children. When I think of the pain other kids cause their parents, I thank God – how lucky we were – but if it had been otherwise, I would still love you and would never have turned my back on any of you.

            I may have a few personal things that each of you may like to have – I can think of a few. I have talked with your dad about these things – he knows my wishes and when he is ready to part with them he will see to it you can have what you would like.

            Dear Kathy, I love you so much. You have been a loving and caring daughter – but most of all you have been a great mother. I am so proud of you – you are so caring and unselfish. I know it was not always easy for you but you raise two beautiful daughters and they love you dearly. I pray for yours and Tom’s health and happiness and many more years together.

            Steve – I love you so very much. You have always been my wanderer – you still are. Thank God you have always come back home. I’m proud of your honesty and kindness, always willing to help out, always there when you were needed. A wonderful boy who grew into a fine man. I wish you and Rob a great future – good health and happiness.

            Mark – I love you so very much, I know you know that. You were always my little man and you have grown into a wonderful, kind and fine man. You are such a blessing, such a good father. Your children are very lucky. Much happiness for you and Eileen.

God bless you all, I am so very proud of all of you.

You are all very much like your father. I may have given you a sense of right and wrong and caring, but your father gave you his strength and perseverance and I am very happy about that.

This has been very hard to write – my last Good-bye. God bless you all and keep you in his loving care. Love one another, until we are together again – and I am sure we will be – I am forever.

                        Your Loving,

                                    Mother

 She never met Carson, Dylan, Brook or Bryce, but they will know her, through our stories, pictures and the multitude of joyful memories – YES, her absence has become her presence!

The longer I live, the more I understand Mama-Jo’s words. Memories are sacred! (See “A Day At Home”.) We can hold everyone we have ever met close to hearts by simply bringing to mind a memory of that person. Through our pictures and stories we can manifest them back to life – and, while they are around, we can laugh and cry with them, and we can lean on them and ask for help, inspiration and guidance.

I believe that as long as there is one person still on this planet who remembers me after I have passed, I am still alive, for their memories of me keep me so.

Peace and much Love,

Steve

Who’s Holiday?

by

Fotolia_46730219_Subscription_XXLIt is “Starting to Look a Lot Like Christmas,”…or Hanukkah…or Kwanzaa…or…” for much of Western Civilization. That can mean a rise in the level of joy and happiness, and it can also mean a rise in the level of anxiety. So let’s see if we can diffuse a few of those thoughts in advance of them catching you off guard.

There are so many other cultures/celebrations. Who is right?

If you look back as to how each culture got to where it is today, how they evolved, it is easy to understand how rich the variety of human nature is in expressing itself with celebrations at specific times of the year. We only get into trouble when one group thinks they got it more “right” than the other groups. So be at peace with cultures that are different than yours. We all celebrate love of our families and are grateful for what we have. The fact that there are so many different ways to celebrate just confirms that it is truly part of human nature to do so.

Will I have enough money to buy presents for everyone?

There are SO MANY ways to express how much you appreciate your family and friends. That is really what you are doing with holiday gifts. Think back to what you got as a gift last holiday. Most of us can’t even remember. What we DO remember are those special gifts that someone made for us. It could be food or a craft item or a poem. Those are the gifts we actually remember because they touch us at a deeper level, so get creative in your gift giving and relax about the money.

Here is something to think about in giving gifts to your children. The one Christmas that stands out from my childhood was the one that was the most fun for my father. He had found a bunch of battery operated toys at the local hardware store. I don’t believe they were expensive at all, but it was the 1950’s so they were new and exciting. During the days before Christmas, our dad took every friend that dropped by our house out his car so that he could share his delight at his purchases hiding in the trunk. The joy he shared was as important as the gifts themselves. We could see from the window that there was something magical about our gifts.

The magic carried into Christmas morning when we were finally able to open those treasures. Keep in mind that the kids are watching YOU as they open their gifts. If you are excited, they will be too. They pick up on your emotional reaction to the gifts you give them.

I don’t have a “love” to share the holiday with.

None of us, no one, not anyone is really alone. There are so many level’s of “love”, and personal love often isn’t a joyous as it looks from the outside. So reach out for a level of connection that is available to you, to everyone. Love after all does come in degrees.

The upside of the expansion of the Internet generally and social media specifically provides opportunities for many, many people to connect on SOME level that they didn’t use to have available to them. I like to play games on the Internet and connect with people all over the world as if they were sitting right across the table from me…well its not QUITE the same as being in the same room, but I still feel the connection. What ever you are interested in, there is a group or person available to you on the Internet.

There are many clubs and groups and places of worship that offer gathering places too. It just isn’t possible that all humans will match up with a partner exactly at the same time…just not possible. So if your present condition isn’t what you consider ideal, don’t let your attitude about it hold you back from opening to a new, perhaps less intense but still valuable connection.

Mid winter celebrations have been held by all cultures for centuries. A time to gather together, take a rest from our toils, and say “Thank You” for what we have. If you start to feel anxious during these holidays, try to touch into that ancient feeling. Find a new way to connect that you hadn’t thought of before. We truly are a global family and you are a member.

We are all lucky that we have each other…and that is worth celebrating!

You Don’t Protect Your Heart By Keeping It Closed

by

Banner for SSRC… but by learning to choose which people you let get close.

I was in the waiting room of a physician’s office when I overheard the receptionist ask a woman for an emergency contact. The woman flatly said, “Just call the morgue because there is no one to contact.” The receptionist kindly replied, “How about a neighbor, friend or co-worker?” The woman sternly said, “There is no one. I don’t want anyone.”

It hurt my heart that someone wanted to be that alone. Yet, there was a time when I felt the same way. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and screwed up society. Abuse, disloyalty, ridicule, and bullying seemed more acceptable than kindness, respect, trust, and support. Over time I retreated inward, into a fantasy world filled with imaginary friends – those who never hurt me. I thought distancing myself from my emotions, other people, and my heart would keep me from being hurt.

I am grateful that one day I woke up to the truth. Closing my heart did not stop stress, unhappiness, rejection, pain, and disappointment. Life is filled with challenges and people whose behavior is hurtful and unkind. But being distanced from the love and responsibility of my heart actually caused life to lose meaning, direction, and prevented me from having intimate relationships – with myself and others.

We are emotional beings. We are designed to feel our way through life. We cannot prevent each heartbreak or every hurt and pain of life. We are no longer children without power over ourselves and the choices we make. As adults we can dramatically lessen the likelihood of being hurt by choosing to surround ourselves with like-hearted people, those who value the same positive behaviors we do.

The saying, “birds of a feather flock together,” is true because the safest, most respectful, and supportive relationships are those based on shared values. That is, patient people like to be around calm people. Compassionate people seek out those with big hearts. Honest people like truthful people. Self-disciplined people relate to other people who share their level of self-control.

You can do your very best to screen the people you allow to get close to you. Determine what behaviors (honesty, kindness, acceptance, patience, forgiveness, etc.) are important in the relationships you have. Then work on establishing friendships and relationships based on the mutual exchange of the behaviors you value.

It is absolutely okay and necessary to protect your heart. The most positive way to do so is by creating your own group of loving, kind, and encouraging people who you call family; those who prove through their consistent behavior.

350px_Ad for SSRC

Feedback