A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Riding the Waves of Pain

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You’re going along on an even keel and something comes over you like a stabbing knife to the heart.  You lose you breath, fall to the ground (or the closest chair), and the tears just flow.  There is no way to stop the pain. Do you know the feeling?

From the time Jack was diagnosed until now my days and nights have been filled with those waves.  The fear of losing him has been overwhelming these last few years.  Then the last few weeks of his life was the calm before the storm because my only focus was on helping him.  There was little time to think about my pain… I just wanted to prevent his pain.  Then when he died the waves turned into a tsunami and there was nothing I could do.  I was consumed with my grief… and of course who wouldn’t be.

I’d like to say the worst is over and to a certain degree that is true.  I can go through my day to day life and from outward appearances I’m doing pretty good.  Even I think I’m doing better than I thought I would be.  The truth is life goes on and we have to.

Yet in the moments of silence, walking into an empty house, driving or sitting alone in the bedroom we shared, a sneaker wave will crash down on my head and I curl up in a ball and just cry.  (OK I don’t do that when I’m driving…)

There is no fighting these strong emotions when they hit us.  Resisting them in an effort to “buck up” and be strong does nothing but cause them to build up and back up.  And that just makes the next time that much worse.  Let them flow.  Let the waves crash over you and if you don’t resist them they will move off and dissipate.  I’ve tried resisting and I’ve not resisted.  This is the time when doing nothing is better than doing anything.   Let it happen.

By allowing your true emotions to flow you are honoring yourself.  This IS how you feel.  Give yourself the chance to heal by letting go of the need to contain your emotions.  Nothing is gained by a festering wound.  And above all respect yourself by acknowledging what you’re going through is a human experience and you are after all… human.

When you let it all happen and come out the other side of the wave of pain, stop, and acknowledge you did come through it.  Take inventory of yourself and realize you’re OK.   It from this new place that you’ll come to appreciate your own resilience.  Life gave you the worst it has to offer and you’re still standing. Celebrate that!  We have to take our success where we can get them right and when you’re on the other side of your worst nightmare give thanks for the dawn.

With love, Cheryl

When What You’ve Lost Is More Than You Can Bear

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Couple Holding HandsI’ve been doing my best to get out and walk every evening.  Jack & I use to do that all that time.  We’d walk around our neighborhood, holding hands, and we were the cute couple.  It breaks my heart to not have my hand in his.  But I keep moving… because I know it’s what I need to do for me.

When you find yourself without what use to be your life it really is more than anyone should have to bear.  I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a child or a career.  When something means so much to you that it hurts to be without it it’s hard to even think about going on… but we do.

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since Jack died.  He looked at me and commented about all of the stress being gone from my face.  And it is in that I am not longer on an endless heighten alert for fear Jack would fall or not be able to keep his food down.  Gone is the stress about what would happen to me without him.  It’s painful to be without him but I’m still able to function and care for myself.  Because that’s what I do.

Grief and the pain of major life challenges are somethings we all will go through whether we want to or not.  And some events are more horrific than others but… as they say… this is life.

You may not have experienced any of this yet.. but when you do I hope you’ll remember this.  You will get through it… and yes it will tear at your soul and break your heart… but you will heal.  It takes time.  And you’re still living so you have that on your side.  Allow it all to be as it is then allow yourself to find peace. Because you will.

With love, Cheryl

It’s Time to Break the Mold

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 Fotolia_51739931_Subscription_Monthly_MMy friends went on a mini road trip with their three month old baby to visit family. They had a terrific time and I enjoyed hearing about it when they returned. After all, with their first child in tow it certainly was a brand new experience. And, they couldn’t be happier.

My friend is totally in love with his baby son. He is hands on and very attentive. He is eager to do whatever it takes to ensure the baby’s safety, health and well-being.

He told me that when the baby was born, he and his wife would feed him every two hours, and then a couple of months later, the baby started sleeping for four hours at night. However, after their mini road trip, the baby reverted to waking up every two hours again. We gathered that it was probably due to his routine being interrupted by the road trip, but whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. They would honor his two hour schedule until he resumed a longer sleep cycle.

For so long I had felt damaged and undeserving. But when my son was a newborn, I would marvel at how beautiful and innocent he was. That was the first time I made the connection that I, too, was once as tiny, vulnerable and innocent. It rocked my world.

When I reconnected with the idea that I was innocent, I unwittingly began my healing journey. I came to realize that the abuse I experienced as a little girl wasn’t my fault. By safely expressing my anger and sorrow, my wounds began to heal for real, and I learned to value myself authentically for the first time ever.

As I healed, my enthusiasm and optimism returned in earnest. I learned how to stop comparing myself to others and honor my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. In short, I reconnected with my own “normal.”

I think about how easy it is to simply accept the routine as it naturally unfolded for my friend’s son. And, I wonder how life would be if we reconnected with our innocence – or blamelessness, goodness, guiltlessness, and purity. What would life be like if we honored our unique timing, and understood that the non-preferred situations in our lives still render us blameless and pure?

By conforming to what we see and experience in the world, we can lose the connection with our own “normal.” We second guess our thoughts and feelings; we see someone else’s success and believe that we’re doing things wrong; and we think that connecting with the idea of innocence is like the kiss of death.

When it comes to the little ones we can effortlessly honor their timing and their innocence, yet it is beyond challenging to merely acknowledge our own. It’s as if we are clay — molded into society’s desired shape and form for us to the point where we may forget who we really are.

For example, when your feelings are hurt, I’d be willing to bet you have a, “I shouldn’t feel this way” inner dialogue to some degree. Generally speaking, the word “should” infers that the right way to do something is “out there” in the world somewhere, and is not in harmony with how you are feeling naturally. So, you ignore or judge how you feel in search of the “right” way to feel.

When you ignore or judge how you feel, you miss the opportunity to connect with yourself in an authentic way. If you are being authentic, you will acknowledge what is so for you. When you re-align with that, watch your intuition and clarity sharpen!

We must continue to break the mold of conforming to what we view as “normal.” It is time to destroy the myth that you can find happiness outside of yourself. It is time to reconnect with your innocence and self-trust. It is time to embrace your non-preferred experiences, not as a victim but as the strong and victorious person that you are.

You were born with everything you need in order to thrive on the planet. You were given the tools to gain strength and wisdom from your non-preferred experiences, and to honor yourself in the midst of them. You have the ability to reconnect with your sound judgment, good timing and beautiful innocence. May you enhance your connection to your authentic self this year and always.

Remaining Calm During Madness

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How does one keep your vibration positive when it appears that there is madness all around you? You don’t want to look naïve to your coworkers, or like a Pollyanna to your family, or unsympathetic to a friend with a problem. And what is the value to YOU for staying positive?

Let me answer that last question first.

Fotolia_65720515_Subscription_Monthly_MThe value to you is to improve your own well-being. The better you feel, the less likely you are to get sick, or get in a car accident, or attract an argument with someone. The cells of your body actually respond to what you believe your life is like. If you think “My life is a disaster,” your cells will respond by not working properly, “knowing” that things are hopeless…that they are part of a losing team. I realize that sounds like a stretch, but more and more scientific types are finding this to be true. Researchers are creating tests to prove it so.

If instead you say “Life is good, I am healthy and all is well,” your cells will eat it right up! Energy food for the little guys and they LOVE it and will say “Oh good, I’m on a winning team so I will do my very best to work really well!”

Another important reason is to understand that how you are feeling will affect what happens around you. The “Law of Attraction” is becoming more and more accepted and it is hard to find anyone that has never heard of it. If you haven’t, it works like this…what ever you are thinking/believing, you are vibrating…and like vibrations will be attracted to you and you to them. Simple as that. It may be that you feel like a victim…so you will attract someone to victimize you. If you are depressed, you are likely to sit next to the most depressed person in any room you enter. So that is another reason to use whatever techniques you know about to improve your mood…to be more positive.

I am by no means saying you should “ignore” what is bothering you. You can’t stuff it away somewhere inside of you and pretend it isn’t there…because it will only fester and grow. What you CAN do is change your attitude about it. When there is this “thing” sitting there in the way of your happiness, instead of being depressed or sad about it, get to work figuring out how to get rid of it. If you can take that approach, you may have a new, fresh idea that you couldn’t see in your state of depression. Understand that the problem is OUTSIDE of you…it is not you.

The hard part, of course, is to know HOW to change your attitude, to change how you are feeling, or to minimize the importance of a perceived problem. Here are some things you can try.

  • Stop repeating your same sad story over and over. If something bad happened to you, it is NOT YOU. If you keep repeating it and repeating it, it BECOMES part of you. A good friend of mine and I came up with this technique: First acknowledge it, then release it, then focus on what you want. Adironnda says you can tell a story only three times, and that is it!       So choose your three times carefully and know that you are telling it to “let it go.”
  • Step back and look for the silver lining. If you look back at situations in your past, how often can you find a situation that looked like a road block while it was happening, but later ended up opening up a new and better opportunity for you. I ask you to just take a minute right now and think back about a particular situation that turned out that way for you. We have ALL had them and looking back at such stories helps us look for the good in any new situations we encounter.
  • Make time to have some fun. It can be as simple as stopping in to get an ice cream cone on the way home. Treat yourself to something special that you know makes you feel good. We have many touchstones from our childhood, so identify them and DO them.       If I really want to be comforted, I watch an old episode of “I Love Lucy.” It instantly erases the stress of “modern life” as we know it today. We know we can’t really go back there, and realistically don’t want to, but for 30 minutes, all the stress leaves my body/mind!
  • Learn to Meditate. Find time in your day, usually best at the very beginning of the day, to just sit in silence. There are so many programs out there today teaching people how to do it, and many of them are even free. If you decide that it is something you want to try, the right teacher or program WILL appear for you.       Someone will tell you about a program in conversation, or you will stumble across something on Facebook. It isn’t hard to learn and there have never been so many willing teachers.       It no longer needs to involve a specific religion or philosophy. Those days are long gone. It isn’t even mysterious! It is just a simple thing to learn to do to make your life better.

Print this list out and keep it somewhere. Then look at it again in a month and see if you actually tried any of these things, and if they helped. You have control of your own destiny…no one else. So what do you choose? I have worked on this my whole entire life and just now feel like I am actually starting to “live” it…so don’t be hard on yourself…there is no deadline.

Just keep trying. It is the ONLY way to get there!

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