A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Adopting a “Vacational Attitude”

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 –  Making Your Holidays Last Well into the New Year

JUThis can be your first year to lengthen the holiday season to the point that it never really needs to end. Just imagine this for a moment: spending quality time with loved ones, consuming all sorts of treats that you crave, feeling warm and rosy nearly every day, and focusing on giving, not to mention plenty of receiving, every single day, even though there is no “real excuse” for living so well. It sounds fairly blissful to me, though you may be thinking, “But … but … how exhausting!” or “How decadent, how much weight would I gain?” or “I could never do that with my kind of schedule.” Well, it can work despite all of those things, if you just give it a chance.

Where I come from in New England, we usually rely on the weather to give us cues to move on to the next season, from balmy sandal-wearing nights, to crisp sweater-sporting walks along crunchy-leaf strewn roads, to the indoor festivities that involve candles and plenty of baking and gift wrapping. But like many of you, where I live now, in pleasantly, perennially sunny Los Angeles, we don’t have the luxury of such seasonal nudges. We must rely on calendars and the decorations in our local Target or Walmart to remind us what is just around the corner, despite our weekend hikes and farmer’s markets. We in temperate climates must make a significant effort to fully celebrate certain holidays and seasons and to not forget they’re the norm for everyone else we Skype with.

So I realized, there might be a marvelous blending of the two. Many of my clients come to me because they find themselves burning the candle at both ends, suffering from exhaustion and, more often, a significant lack of perspective. They don’t see the holidays approaching until they’re just upon them, and then what happens? Pressure! “How did it come so fast? Now I have to buy gifts and plan travel, not to mention a party for …” I expect you may share some deep empathy for their best intentions. So with these clients, we often discuss adopting a “Vacational Attitude.” Yes, this is my own trademarked term for keeping and incorporating the best qualities of our holiday experiences into our daily lives.

 [Note: I am using the linguistic variation of the term “holiday” here to mean “vacation.”  Most of our non-North American friends use it this way, and for them the word doesn’t carry the emotional baggage that it so often does for North Americans during the traditional Thanksgiving through  New Year “holiday season.” We will not discuss any type of “holiday depression” here, as that is best suited for a therapy-centric atmosphere.]

In as simple terms as possible, let’s examine what comprises a vacation-oriented attitude to life. How do you feel when you’re on vacation? What qualities about the vacation life and yourself spark to life when you are out of your ordinary, overly-grounded “regular” life? For a majority of people, there is a greater sense of powerful, positive emotions and states of freedom such as joy, lightness, giddiness, warmth, goodwill, contentment, even just plain old fun.

What do you seek most when planning a vacation? Your answer will vitally tell you what you either need most in that period, or what you crave most for your personality. Being in desperate need of a beach holiday where you do nothing but loll in the water, read romance novels and sip margaritas may indicate a desperate respite from your overly-organized and laden schedule. This is in sharp contrast to the urban culture holiday that feeds one’s cultural and intellectual goals, or even the daredevil adventure holiday of the bungee-jumper or Kilimanjaro-climber that satisfies one’s need for challenges, surprise and accomplishment. I guarantee you that, ultimately, all vacations, no matter the type, lead to those same characteristics: freedom, joy and fun.

So let’s extend this to our imminent “holiday season.” What do you treasure or relish most about the best of this season? Is it the freedom from your regular heavy routine and schedule? Is it the warmth and contentment of catching up with old or rarely seen friends? Is it the opportunity to cut loose, have a few more drinks, let your hair down or loosen that tie and really have … some giddy fun? Are you starting to see a pattern here?

And yet so many of us burn out after this holiday season is complete. We overdo it. We overindulge. We cram events and drinks and dinners into such a tight timeframe that all our daily needs and requirements fall to the wayside, only to seek revenge after the New Year. The reason, most people tell me, is because they do not give themselves these fulfilling pleasures or, more sadly, “luxuries” of joy and satisfaction in their lives throughout the rest of the year.

This is how we end the cycle of binging and purging on fun, happy-making activities: Actively incorporate soul-satisfying activities into your life with extreme regularity. Schedule them, even when there is something more “pressing” to distract you. I guarantee that whatever requires your attention will still be there if it’s vital, except that you will actually be able to tackle, handle or manage it when you’re happier and less stressed, for a change. It really can be this easy.

Is the question even deeper than this?  Perhaps it comes down to that regular, niggling problem that is solely in our imaginations: worthiness. Many of my clients just don’t give themselves permission to enjoy themselves because they’ve set up an unwinnable game of reward-earning for their achievements for which they perpetually feel unworthy to win. We’ll discuss this in our 2014 columns.

But for now, accept this: You are worthy of having fun, and regularly. You have permission to enjoy your life, your friends, your family, and regularly. Finally, you have the right to carry the joys of the holidays into your daily, regular life, even when the holidays end.

Here’s my challenge to you: Adopt a “Vacational Attitude” at least until Valentine’s Day or Easter, and let me know in the comments how it goes. Heck, it might just last the whole year.

Disappointment: Coming into the Light

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Fotolia_28458918_Subscription_XXLFear and worry, overwhelmed and stuck, exhaustion and confusion: these are the big common terms that self-help leaders discuss at length. However, one of the most insidious killers of successful living is that quiet, subtle, dangerous beast: disappointment.

The majority of us experience disappointment with regularity, and some of us experience it almost every day in relationships, careers, and experiences that are not fulfilling. Cancelled plans, constant excuses, small results on a big project, no payoff for plenty of effort, lack of communication, lack of whatever you need most:  all are experiences that can create those pangs of disappointment. The sad reality is that most of us don’t take any time to manage this, let alone capitalize on it.

When it arises, disappointment creates a lot of havoc in our daily lives, but it’s usually a quiet type of upheaval. The results are more akin to termites eating away at the foundational structure of your home than a tornado flattening your whole house. It happens within, and the damage can be long-term and costly.

When our hopes and, more often, our expectations are not satisfied, the feeling of disappointment can overcome us so completely that we stop fully living in the present. Instead, we fixate on what didn’t go right, what should have been, reliving that moment over and over. Sometimes we disappoint ourselves with our choices and actions, and sometimes we allow other people to disappoint our expectations of what we wanted of them.

Either way, allowing anger, bitterness, sorrow, or shock to consume or even stop us in our tracks is not something that needs to happen. We don’t need to let disappointment keep us from feeling successful in our daily lives and relationships. We have the power to make this happen less and less and start to embrace our real circumstances more honestly and joyfully.

“Stuff happens” is a term I hear a lot (and it’s more colorful, expletive-laced version!). But it tends to dismiss disappointment as a luxury, or even a “spoiled”  reaction to unfortunate things that happen to us. It denies the actuality that when we want more, reach for more, or attempt to create better in our lives, it doesn’t always happen for us immediately. Charles Stanley said, “Disappointment is inevitable. But to become discouraged, there’s a choice I make.” Discouragement may be the worst effect of disappointment. It reduces our confidence, fills us with sorrow, and stops us from moving forward and trying again as soon and significantly as we might.

We need powerful tactics to manage disappointment. Keeping it simple is the key. First, acknowledge the disappointment for what it is when it happens. Everyone registers this with different variations: feeling let down, bummed out, dissatisfied, annoyed and sad are all aspects of this beast of disappointment. When you feel any of these, remind yourself that although your hopes or expectations were not met, you are still whole and undamaged at your core, what I call “Well at core.” This is the key to keeping perspective when dealing with the shock of whatever has disappointed you.

Next, choose one of two empowering options, based on the intensity of your disappointment. For the smaller, less devastating disappointments, take immediate action. Do something powerful and proactive to move forward. Do not fall into the “pity wallowing trap” under any circumstances!  When little things that are out of our control happen to disappoint us, it’s far too easy to feel bad for ourselves and really let that self-pity slow us down and stop us in a state of complaining or even bitter seething. I witness this all the time. Instead, do something immediately after. Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re disappointed but still “Well at core,” immediately refocus your attention to something forward-moving and positive. By making your period of dealing with the disappointment productive, you won’t feel like you got waylaid by circumstances outside of your control.

For the larger, heavier disappointments, I like to engage the 24 hour rule. In case you don’t know it, this is a common practice of many high achievers, and the principle is simple: for any win or loss, give yourself 24 hours to either celebrate your win or mourn your loss, and then proceed with your plan and general routines. Big disappointments often need to be mourned as losses in this way. Sometimes it is simply not enough to refocus and take action, but rather go inward and care more deeply for yourself. Take the day off, have a satisfying meal, go do something that always brings you pleasure or joy, and boost yourself with that little extra while you process the sting of the disappointment. Throughout, remind yourself that you are always and still “Well at core.”

Finally, once you have managed the immediate effects of the disappointment, capitalize on it by exploring its source. Ask yourself: What is this disappointment bringing to light? What can I do to prevent it from happening again? What have I learned or gained from it? What will I do more of in future? Start taking action on your answers.

You always have the option to either change your circumstances or change your beliefs. If you don’t have the means to change your circumstances just yet, you can always change your beliefs about them so that disappointment does not appear again and again. Yes, it can and mostly likely will be challenging, but that is why disappointment comes into our lives. Disappointment can be not just a sneaky beast, but a beaming light that reminds us to create the best circumstances that sustain us, and adopt beliefs that serve us to be more joyful and more whole.

The Perfection of Our Stories

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Fotolia_32439455_Subscription_XLWe are all unique walking collections of stories. Our stories help give shape to our lives. They are the results of experiences that surprise, comfort, and sometimes even torment us. Best of all, our stories are what connect us to others. The challenge we face is that sometimes our stories start to run the show. Instead of making the most of our stories as points of connection, we allow our stories to use us mercilessly, and disconnect us unnecessarily.

Storytelling is a timeless tradition that goes back to the start of civilization, visible now in cave paintings around the world. Little has changed since then. We live our lives, and tell our stories in the form of narratives or jokes or teachings, often in the hopes that future generations know where they came from and so they won’t make our same mistakes. If we’re really wise, we ask as many questions as the stories we tell. But there’s no denying that stories are how we make sense of what has happened to us, and also how we share the essence of ourselves with others. Because our stories are our history, they are perfect, because we are perfect, no matter how flawed our experiences.

Sharing our stories is all about vulnerability. The words that we choose to share with one another are by their very choice reflections of how we were raised, where we’ve come from, who we are now, and even where we aspire to go. When we unleash those words to others, we are sharing ourselves in such a wonderful, vulnerable and open way, that other people cannot help but recognize themselves in our words and then connect with us. Or when our stories don’t have enough points in common, this may be a reflection of how we don’t connect. Storytelling, by virtue of its need for vulnerability, is vital to connection.

How do you tell stories? What did you do, where did you go, who did you see, why were you whatever you were? How did all of those experiences make you who you are today? The big questions of our lives are wrapped up in our stories, what we choose to share, or not share. Think about the stories you chose to share over the course of the last week versus those that you actively chose not to share. They are the foundation of the connections we attempt to seek from others. Therein lies your power, your purpose and ultimately your destiny.

So when does storytelling become a trap? We choose to share stories that limit our connections to each other, rather than create deeper connections. We choose stories that limit our own vulnerability, and keep us from being fully present. Let me give you an example: I have one regular acquaintance Carla who always jokes through sarcasm and one-upmanship. Almost every conversation is based around a story of how her experience was better than whatever anyone else just shared. Or otherwise how much worse it was, and therefore more amazing, making for a better story. Carla’s stories always create distance. They may elicit some funny jokes or words of fascination, but they almost never create a bond of shared experience. Can you think of a time when your stories achieved the same undesired, even if unintentional, result?

Carla is letting herself get used by her stories. Like all of us, Carla has options. She might simply stay present with the people around her. She can listen to and acknowledge other people’s stories, and respond to those stories without diminishing them. But more often than not, she doesn’t choose a benign course. She chooses to let her own stories blow everyone else’s out of the water. Carla allows her stories to put her on a pedestal, high above the connections happening around her. In those moments, her story is running her. It’s a pretty lonely place to be, and she’s the first to admit it.

Complaining is another common way of allowing our stories to run our lives. I had the great privilege of growing up around many elderly folks, well into their 80s, 90s and even 100s. Their wisdom and warmth was often so generous. But there were also plenty who told stories of nothing but their ailments. My grandmother, while adorable, often fell victim to this. If we had the time to call over, the first ten minutes of conversation were about all of her current ailments, doctors’ recommendations for each, and how all of these were impeding her regular routines. Her stories were endless. Does this sound at all familiar? Clearly, people who do this have great need for a sympathetic ear. But this type of story does little but cut off our own curiosity about others, and what’s happening in their lives. It not only hinders our connection, but doesn’t allow other people’s experiences to put ours into perspective. The connections stay limited because it’s about the stories, not about who we really are.

Curiosity is the easiest antidote to the trap of letting our stories run us. Wondering what is happening around us offers us a constant perspective. Allowing ourselves the curiosity to ask questions – a vulnerable act itself – and to be with those stories, to respond respectfully and honestly, these are where connections are born and become profound. Our comfort zones are usually far more flexible than we give ourselves credit for. We have a huge capacity to process the stories told to us throughout the course of a day, and fully reach out to the people who are sharing. This can be a great reminder to us that it’s always as much about the other person as it is about us, as often as we forget that. Seek out others stories by liberating your curiosity, and expand your own experience.

Listening is another key to connection, and will help you avoid falling into your own storytelling traps. What are people’s stories telling you? Ask yourself what is the meaning behind their story. How deeply are they sharing? Can you share in kind? You will find this type of listening and connecting builds your friendships better than you expected because you shared an important story at the right moment, when you were both vulnerable and open-hearted.

Stories are invitations to get to know us better. We always have copious amounts of stories to choose from, if we are conscious of how rich our lives have been. Listen deeply, and respond wholeheartedly.

Remember to keep your stories in check. When you find them protecting you, elevating you above others, controlling others by keeping them subjected to your complaints, find the awareness to stop the cycle of the story. Your stories will use you to keep you centered solely on yourself. Remain confident in your perfect stories to allow moments to be about the other person. Take the power of your curiosity and listening to connect deeper.

We are after all not our stories. Our stories are just momentary reflections of where we’ve been and what we’ve experienced. When we are fully present, fully generous, and fully alive, we are so much more than the sum of our stories.

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From Completion to Attraction

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joshtn copyIf you’re like many Americans, your annual spring cleaning has been completed, and you now have improved space and time for the light, airy luxuries of summertime. But what if you took it one step further and gave your entire life a good healthy spring cleaning? I’m talking about the exercise of Completion.

Completion is one of the fastest ways to make space for new and better things to enter your life, and certainly to attract some richer wholeness.

Have you wondered why it’s so hard to start new things, lose those last pounds, get better work, make more money, enjoy more leisure time? I’ll practically guarantee that you are juggling so many incomplete things in your life that there is no room for anything better to come into the picture.

You probably have a good understanding already of Closure, commonly described as the resolution of a relationship or its issues in a person’s life, not to mention the contentment that comes with it. Completion is much like closure, but it’s all about the outstanding or unfinished stuff in relationship with yourself. And I say stuff because it encompasses all manner of things that you may have left incomplete: experiences, tasks, lists, projects, conversations, plans, goals, and so on. The amount of incomplete stuff with which we live clutters up our lives to no end. And what happens then? New stuff has a much harder time to enter the picture.

Without going into any highfalutin or complex science, suffice it to say that physicists have proven that the entire universe and everything in it create a vacuum. Everything forms a unified whole. So following this, new things can only come or happen when old things fall away or disappear. Something must go for the vacuum to allow space for new things. This forms one of the bases of attraction.

Much of my coaching practice is based around attraction. A lot of my clients are creative types by nature, people for whom ideas, thoughts and the creative process hold a lot of importance. When I start working with them, the first thing we do is make a list of all of the incomplete items that are hanging over their heads. And invariably after a week or two, it never fails that finishing a few of these items is followed very soon after by a surge of creativity and productivity.

The same consistently holds true for all of my clients, and often comes in the softer signs of extra time, greater peace of mind, less worry, less stress, even more money. One client started completing lots of loose ends after moving across the country, and landed a job she never had any realistic expectation of getting after interviewing months before. Some like to talk about coincidence, but what was the visible and quantifiable change throughout it all? She made a whole lot of room in her life, and something came to fill the void. And she moved right back across the country for her job of choice.

Completion works on a lot of levels of attraction too. First there is the visible level of literally getting rid of things and making actual space in your environment. Next there is the time that is created by completing projects that consume your planning, that keep you anchored in the planning stages without the bigger actions that move your goals, hopes or dreams forward.

The most valuable levels that Completion works on, though, are the non-visible ones, the levels of your spirit. For example, my parents have been discussing cleaning out their basement practically since they moved into their new home, roughly six years ago. They have spent so many hours discussing, arguing over, wondering about, and worried about all of the ‘stuff’ in their basement, all of that time could have been put to richer use, doing the things they love to do. Wasting their conscious time on this incomplete project diverts their positive energy into this soul-sucking topic. Our conscious energy, our life energy that propels us forward, that keeps us excited about our activities and relationships, is the level that Completion works most richly on.

The tried and true way to embrace Completion is to be methodical, and have some fun with it at the same time. First, remind yourself why Completion will serve you. Make a list of all of the new things that you want in your life: more quality time with your family, spouse, kids; money for better vacations; new appliances, gadgets, even toys for your home and leisure time; time to volunteer, meet new people, make new friends, engage in a worthy cause; a new, more satisfying career, job or workplace; the list goes on to encompass your wildest imaginings. Once you have a clearer idea of how much richer you want your life to be, then you can make a master list of Completion.

Sit yourself down in a quiet place, and write down 20 things in your life that are incomplete. I bet that it will be faster than you think when you really consider all of the things you’ve been talking about and wanting to do something about, but haven’t yet taken the time. Once you have 20, make yourself giddy and write another 20 incompletions down. It might feel like a stretch, but I bet you can get there, even if they are very minor things. Maybe they’ll even get bigger and bigger, like ‘start my new consulting business’ or ‘amass a six month emergency fund,’ things that might seem really challenging, but that you’ve been thinking about. Get onto the page absolutely everything that you’ve been thinking about but is not yet complete.

Now get to work. And for heaven’s sake, make it fun. Put on your favorite music, invite over an interested good friend or two, and clean those closets and attics and garages, get the repairs taken care of, finish planting your vegetable garden, pay back your friends, write the end to that short story, finish those recipes for that cookbook you’ve been talking about. Take action!

Then see and feel the results. Celebrate what you’ve achieved. Wonder what you might start once you’ve completed all of that old stuff. Start attracting all of the items on your new list. Completion is a massive step in attracting the life that you imagine and deserve.

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