A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

New Year’s Expectations

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Fotolia_71694129_Subscription_Monthly_MWe all hear about resolutions, but let’s face it, most people’s resolve doesn’t have too much foundational support. The path to disappointment is virtually guaranteed. Focusing on expectations gives far more weight to a successful outcome. Charles Dickens was onto something when he created a whole world around some Great Expectations.

Expectations usually get a completely bum rap. Among my own inner circles, I’ve discovered that ‘expectations’ often carry connotations of entitlement and greed and, usually, immediate gratification.

In the broader world, expectations are heavily weighted towards our historical, long-term experience. Most of us carry everyone ELSE’s expectations around with us. Family, friends, peer groups, work colleagues, social groups all exert expectations upon us. From some, like family, these are often vocalized, activated expectations. From most others, these are quieter, sub-conscious or subliminal expectations. I call these passive expectations. Both passive and activated expectations revolve mostly around success, abstinence, relationship dictates, career and job promotion, stability, and all the greater ‘shoulds’ of the world that most people buy into blindly year after year.

Breaking that spell is the principle engagement I undertake with all of my clients. We engage with this through a question-based process that allows all of these tacit agreements to scurry out of hiding into the harsh, glaring light of reality. Often, not only is it not pretty, it’s shocking, alarming and often ends in tears and choked sobs. Some common things I hear daily: ‘I had no idea they impacted me so much!’ or ‘It’s like I’ve not been in control of my own life’ or even ‘I can’t believe I accepted this for so long. I’ve wasted so much time!’

The weight and burden of other people’s expectations has a lingering and profoundly fundamental impact on the regular decisions we make day by day, moment by moment and, yes, year by year.

Let’s start here: What expectations have you been operating under that are not your own? What expectations did your family put upon you for your adult life? What passive expectations do your peer groups quietly encourage for you? What about your daily life doesn’t feel fulfilling, and what expectations might be leading you to continue making those daily choices?

Now that we have considered where our current expectations come from, how do we break the cycle and the evil spell of living under someone else’s expectations? Of course, we must dissolve other people’s expectations by supplanting them at the root with our own glorious, instinctive expectations for ourselves.

And therein lies the magic of wielding expectations. You immediately gain massive personal power by examining and creating keen awareness for your own expectations for yourself. Now, if we’re going to supplant decades-old expectations and agreements, that means we have to ask pretty grand questions to get back to the roots of our beliefs and behavior.

Some key questions to ask yourself as you enter a new year are made better by distinctions:

Not ‘What do I want to accomplish this year?’ but instead ‘What have I always wanted to accomplish?’

Not ‘What does this mean for me?’ but instead ‘What meaning have I always searched for or been giving to this?’ and then ‘How can I choose a meaning that serves me better?’

Not ‘How can I be of better service to others this year?’ but instead ‘What is the purpose of my life, and how have I not been carrying that into everything I do? How can I start activating this moment by moment in my daily routine?’

These powerful distinctions require thought, consideration, and time to get back in touch with the inner child who had vivid dreams and huge expectations for what this life has to offer us.

Most of us enter adulthood with the activated and passive expectations of behaving ‘responsibly,’ and fulfilling basic roles. Most of these are to buoy the fabric of society, and there is certainly a respect that must be paid here.

The price of this agreement, however, is like locking away and throwing away the key on our deepest dreams, drives and creative expression. Depression, after all, is nothing more than the absence of expression.

What is the final piece to make sure that your greatest expectations are met? Complete lack of attachment. We can never know HOW anything will materialize in our lives. The universe/God has a plan that will always be a mystery to our basic five senses. The beauty of engaging with your deepest expectations is that you activate your sixth sense and allow yourself to appreciate how your expectations might be met in daily miraculous ways. Isn’t that reason enough to give thanks for the magic of life?

My wish for you as we go through this holiday season into a new year is this: Don’t live the same year over again this year. Make sure that this year is a completely fresh, dynamic, divinely inspired year that you create for yourself with some damn fine expectations of the best life has to offer. Make it your best year yet!

Blissful Beliefs

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JU1What do you believe about your beliefs? How often do you stop to consider what your beliefs allow in your life? Are your beliefs expansive, or are they intrinsically constricting? Our belief systems create our states on a moment-to-moment basis. Whether we are strict, playful, committed, or scatterbrained, the interplay of our character joined with our belief system creates the fabric of how we live our lives.

Many people live with some pretty awful, unhelpful, and downright depressing beliefs every day. Just the other day, a friend of mine honestly confessed that she felt ‘fat and pathetic.’ Not surprisingly, she is neither in my eyes, and I’m a fairly objective person.

That’s what bothers me so much about beliefs. No matter what I might say to cheer, negate, or influence her beliefs, they are deeply held and will likely not budge by any of my ‘opinions.’ Beliefs come from the way we are raised, the experiences we have had, and in many cultures, the inherited energy of our ancestors’ experience. Beliefs ripple up through our thoughts, then into our actions, and then cycle back to either shift or enforce those beliefs. That cycle is where the magic can happen.

Beliefs can change. We can influence them. In many instances, like my friend’s, beliefs really must change. Here’s the place where personal choice comes in. For life to be wonderful, wonder-filled and fulfilling, beliefs must be fully life-affirming and expansive. Chances are that all of your beliefs do not fall into that excellent category. Life has perhaps jostled you about, given you some aches and pains from the hurtful actions of others (who acted from their own crappy beliefs), and now you have some pretty jaded, edgy beliefs. That’s okay. But you don’t have to stay in that state.

Have you ever found yourself wondering about someone: ‘Gosh, they’re always so happy,’ or ‘I wonder why they are so positive all of the time?’ or ‘Life isn’t as easy for me as it is for her. I have no reason to be so happy all the time’? Most of us have, at some point or another. Those are beliefs inside of us affirming that ‘Life is full of struggle’ or ‘To succeed you must sacrifice hugely’ or ‘People will only take you seriously if you act serious all of the time.’

I beg to differ. Some of the most successful, influential, and responsible people I’ve known have also been the most relaxed, pleasant, and open-heartedly generous. Their belief systems allowed that to happen, and they simply proceeded accordingly. Their beliefs were trained and molded to support their roles of responsibility and still keep them open to the expansiveness of life. As T Harv Eker says, rich people have different beliefs about money, and their bank accounts reflect that.

I also grew up around many devout religious people. I cannot tell you how many wonderful, fun, and warm-hearted people I’ve known who cared daily for long-ill relatives, had little money, and worked very hard to simply survive. They didn’t carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, they just enjoyed their lives and got on with it, best they could.

Some of us are certainly predisposed to happiness more than others. It’s proven that about seventy percent of your happiness is genetically coded for you. However, thirty percent is a pretty high percentage when talking about your daily joy. Shifting the deepest state of your beliefs can make a huge impact on that thirty percent.

There is a marvelous book that I hope you will go out and read immediately called Bliss, by Raphael Cushnir. It is all about experiencing full-blown bliss in your life every moment of every day. And the formula is astoundingly simple. Cushnir says that it is nothing more than this: joy+love-cause=bliss.

Choosing to embrace joy and love each moment while choosing to do so without any actual cause can create a state of pure bliss. Stop and imagine for a moment what staying in that state might do to shift some of your unfortunate, unsupportive beliefs. Remember that movie Pollyanna? Not such a bad state to be in, huh?

What could you get done in a state of moment-to-moment bliss? What could you achieve? How much more energy might you have? How much more creativity might you invite out of yourself – it’s all there within you all of the time anyhow! How often will you call upon the creativity, joy, and bliss in others to shine forth? Do you sense how the fabric of the world could shift, could open up, could envelop decisions globally and, certainly, locally. What does your role in that look like? Live in the moment and choose bliss. I dare ya!

In With T he Old: A Contrarian’s Approach

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Fotolia_56844810_Subscription_Monthly_MI’ve never liked the idea of Spring Cleaning. First, I have terrible allergies, so cleaning around dust is a physical hell to me. But this, while weighty, is the superficial part of the equation. Far more substantial is the reason why a Spring Cleaning might even be necessary.

What transpired during your winter to create such a mess? Were you homebound and frantically destroying your home? Were you hibernating so deeply that nothing was tended to? Were you in a creative frenzy and paint and chalk and clay are covering your walls?

To me, it seems artificial. While I sympathize with all my friends suffering in the Polar Vortex of 2013/14, we just don’t hibernate any more. Now we simply seem to distract ourselves with Facebook and movies on Hulu or Netflix. Few of us are going to sleep at sunset and rising at dawn to milk the cows, so there’s no reason for your home to be a complete nightmare. Short of depression, of course. And I don’t say that lightly, even if a little tongue in cheek. If wintertime depresses you so, then please take a sunny holiday next year, do some UV tanning or get a better therapist. We must never allow our environments to trap us.

This comes to the crux of the issue for me. “Out with the Old” is what most people seem to say about springtime. But what was Old about Wintertime? If you read my last article, you’ll remember that I always encourage taking the holiday spirit with you into the New Year, and not letting that sense of wonder, fun and pure joy dissipate. If that’s the case, there would be no reason for getting rid of the old, or cleaning out your home of its wintry heaviness.

What is the problem with the Old? Did all of the nostalgia of the holidays and, hopefully, the joy surrounding it allow you to delve too far into the past? Did it throw off the balance of the present? Did you have too much fun?

Here’s the key. I’ve been doing a lot of scientific research lately about how we create our own reality. Mostly, it comes down to maintaining awareness in our daily lives. Self-awareness is the next step where we can gain some perspective of our current situations and start making real, conscious decisions about whether or not we’re happy being in these situations. Once awareness is actively engaged, we can start to really LIVE in the present.

The only reasonable next step is simple: Purpose. We are called all of the time to live our Purpose. Many of us choose to ignore the call. Some of us only respond to bits of the call, the ones we were raised with or that seemed to be pre-programmed into us. That is, the ones that are simply comfortable to us. Many of you reading this are seeking a fuller purpose, and I congratulate you. Fulfillment, perhaps even Enlightenment, is what you choose to discover. What is your Purpose then?

And this is what rubs me wrong about “Out with the Old.” We are, all of us, evolving. Hopefully, we are growing wiser from our experiences, making strong, better decisions and experimenting more with creating our own realities instead of perpetuating humdrum routines. The “Old” must be celebrated, and built upon. I don’t ever want to throw it out, unless of course it’s holding me back.

But one season in the year (i.e. Spring) is not an indication that something is stopping my evolution. Ok, you might call it a reminder. I would reply that it is still artificial. If you don’t want to clean because it’s Spring, then don’t. Continue to read, cook, ski, hike – whatever it is you love to do. The only time that you must undertake something like this is when you are sincerely called to do so, by your inner higher power, because it deeply serves your Purpose.

And for the love of Life, don’t throw out the Old. Unless it truly doesn’t serve you. Celebrate the
Old, thank the Old, learn and grow from the Old. And let that provide you the roots to stay completely, fully present.  In with the Old, I say, and keep doing what you love to do today. Happy Spring.

Starting Over. An Interview with Cheryl Maloney

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Cheryl Maloney is a resilient lady. In addition to her vision, sense of humor, and dedication to create a safe space for people who need it, her resilience and vulnerability consistently keep her close to her followers.

I met Cheryl at an exciting time in both of our lives. We were both hitting a stride, when the power of possibility shined brightly after most of the dust of various transitions had settled. I consider her one of my diamond finds along the journey to my own actualization.

As the New Year 2014 was fast approaching, and Cheryl’s following was growing in leaps and bounds, my gut told me that everyone newly welcomed to the Simple Steps Real Change Community needed to know that vital little bit more about the journey of our esteemed and well- loved founder and publisher. Though her natural modesty initially shied away from a personal interview, I am privileged to share her story with even more people who might take heart from it.

Unsurprisingly, when I sat down with Cheryl to hear the arc of her story, she never disappoints. Having gone through a three year period akin to A Year of Magical Thinking, she boldly created a mission that has contributed solace, inspiration, community and infinite possibility to nearly half a million individuals all around the world.

That’s no small feat in today’s smorgasbord of self-help gurus. But Cheryl will be the first to tell you that she’s no guru, and has little need for them. She’ll tell you instead that it’s time to honor the guru within ourselves. We all have the answers, all the time. Sometimes we just need a little help and wisdom getting the clarity to see what’s been there all the time.

Like many of us, Cheryl found herself in a seemingly unmanageable place in time. She felt confounded and mired in a terrible situation that was mercilessly taxing and soul-challenging. She discovered that the big, classic spiritual and self-help tomes become burdensome instead of helpful. Cheryl’s quest for a simpler answer is a reward for each of us.

Q:

YOU’RE SITTING IN TEXAS, YOUR BASIC SECURITY NEEDS ARE AT RISK … DID THE COMMERCIAL INSPIRE YOU TO SIT DOWN AND START A BLOG?

The blog started before that … shortly after we moved to Texas. I was 53 years old, in a state I had never lived in, and I couldn’t find another job. I was just writing to express what I was going through. I’d never ever written anything other than work documents before.

I was blogging on a website at the time that no longer exists, and pretty much no one was finding it. It wasn’t until my niece suggested that I put this on Facebook that things took off. Even though I stopped just lying on the couch, I found myself looking at what I had lost in my life. And I asked myself,“Is this all there is left to your life?” My family all live into their 90s, and I thought, “Is this how I want to be for another possible 40 years?” So I started reading everything I could get my hands on. I was reading so much, but I could not ingest anything. Everything felt so complex! Finally, I came upon Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff. It was all about how to find Happiness again, and how people looked at things differently.

Then it struck me: It’s just got to be simple. There has to be more! And it has to be real. So one day I just strung those things together.

Once I moved to Facebook as SSRC, things steadily crept along. [Laughing] I was literally sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room when my 57th person signed up! I was so excited! It hit me that people are reading what I had to write. It crawled along for months and months, and finally there were 1000 people! 7000 people!

Q:

WAS SSRC BECOMING CENTRAL TO YOUR WAY OF LIFE?

First of all, Jack was doing everything he could to be understanding. He has the patience of a saint. In my darkest moments, he never once said anything like “You have to go back to work.” It was, “Do what you want to do, it’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it.” No-problem- Jack. He was supportive and understanding, and he’s always been that way. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get through it.

And yes, all of my free time was spent writing. It was never about just Train of Thought. It had to be meaningful, so it would tell a story. I committed to blogging daily. It was so important to me that I make a personal connection with everyone on the forum. I sent a message to people on Facebook when my dad was in the ambulance. Some of our readers will remember how I even wrote, “My father is going to die tonight,” and the love and support came back to me! There were so many people out there who’d been through this. All of a sudden, we were talking about praying for help – not religiously, but spiritually. As new readers were coming in, we were doing the same thing. SSRC was becoming a place people could be supported and safe. People needed to feel safe! It’s been an amazing journey.

Q:

WHO WERE SOME OF THOSE FIRST PEOPLE WITH WHOM YOU INTERACTED?

They were regular, everyday people. They were folks who were trying to put food on the table, whose children had died, people whose kids blamed them for the divorce. That’s the connection that’s most important. Everyone is going through something, but we forget about that with the everyday stresses. Most people seem to just be told, “Get over it, and move on.” But people need to be supported. As long as they feel they are alone, they feel like pariahs. The truth is that millions of people are feeling the same things, and you have to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Then you can get past it. You deserve more.

My biggest impact came from a lady in Chicago. Around the time the market crashed, she lost her job, was caring for her mother, and needed to feel safe and secure. I had put a post up on a Saturday morning that said, “If it’s important enough to you, you will find a way.” She exploded! “How dare you say this, you have no idea what it’s like!” And she unloaded on me.

I stepped back and realized that I had a choice. I could say “Get over it,” like everyone else, or I could take a different position. So I responded: “There’s nothing here to negate what you’re going through. When you’re ready to get to that point of living your dream, you WILL find a way.” We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour, and we laughed. She changed my perspective that day, adopting this attitude of gentleness and kindness. We’re all going through something. There are degrees and steps. There’s a journey.

Q:

WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER DURING THOSE YEARS IN TEXAS?

I had always been a positive person and bounced back in 24 hours if anything happened to me, as far as anyone else was concerned. But internally,

I was completely obsessive: a worrier! I spent so much time worrying about the things that I didn’t want to happen. And every one of them came to pass. I was focused on not having enough money, and that is exactly what happened.

As soon as I stopped doing that, it all went away. I no longer focus on what I don’t have. I focus on the fact that I can pay my bills every month. That may be the Huge Lesson. Real discovery is the willingness to see all the possibilities, and not just what is in front of your face.

Q:

WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT THE WOMAN IN THE CORNER OFFICE WHO DROVE THE BMW AND THE PORSCHE?

I don’t miss anything … is that true? Yes, I don’t miss that person. I’m grateful that I lost pieces of that person, because that person was arrogant, and that I found who I am really am. It was all a front before. None of that stuff means a hill of beans. Relationships with people matter most to me now. I can’t tell you I miss any of it. I’m even glad I lost it, though I wish it could have come a different way. 

Q:

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO CLAIM: “PEOPLE CAN’T CHANGE”?

If you believe they can’t, they never will in your eyes! We don’t let people change.

When we go through life-altering challenges, we’re either wiser or waiting for another lesson. There will be another lesson if we didn’t get it the first time.

Q:

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE SSRC TO LOOK LIKE IN FIVE YEARS?

Right now, SSRC is a safe harbor where people can come and just be, come to feel support and understanding and kindness and love, and not feel pressured, ostracized, condemned – all those negative feelings because people disagree with them. I’ve created a place where everyone’s beliefs are honored. That is what I want Simple Steps to continue to be.

In five years, I believe it will be the place where everyone comes for kindness and support, a place where positivity rules. If people are looking for positivity, they’re going to go to SSRC. My vision is to help create a positively focused world. The mission is to help people see their own magnificence, their own beauty, they’re own potential.

Q:

WHAT IS THE GREATEST LESSON YOU’VE LEARNED SO FAR?

It’s that every person is doing the best that they can.

Q:

WHAT IS YOUR SECRET TO KEEPING IT SIMPLE?

I truly believe that if we break up what we see as complicated into its smallest parts, we’ll realize there is a simple path right in front of us. And we take that path one simple step at a time.

Q:

WHAT’S AT THE END OF THE PATH?

What end? There is no end! [Laughing] It’s like asking “How do I get out of the box?” There is no box. There is no end to life. 

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