A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

When You Don’t Have A Choice

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Fotolia_54804996_Subscription_XXLThere are times in life when you don’t have a choice.  My husband died.  I don’t have a choice but to live without him.  Perhaps you find yourself divorced when you thought you’d always be together or your company chose to downsize and you were suddenly out of work.  There are just times in life when regardless of what we do we find ourselves in a place we never wanted or even thought we’d ever be… even if we saw it coming.

Jack & I had been on his cancer journey for the last 4 years but it was only the last couple months that we realized he was at the end of his life.  It’s easy… and natural to wish this was all a bad dream but instead it is my journey.  There are times it is incredibly hard and other times when it seems surreal but my bottom line is one of Jack’s favorite phrases, “It is what it is.”

If you are finding yourself in a place that you hate, regret or just don’t want to be what you do now or next is totally up to you.  In your heart you know you don’t want to stay in a place of misery yet sometimes you’ll find yourself there.

You’re going to mourn your loss and that’s ok.  I find that a good hard cry lets out all the emotions that need to flow.  You’re going to have times where you ask yourself what you could have done differently.  I call these the “If only’s.”  If only we had or hadn’t done something maybe this would never have happened.  You’re going to get angry.  You’re going to think “why me” even if you never say that out loud.  You’re just going to be sad.  And it’s ok to feel all these things and more.  This is not the time to berate yourself for how you feel… that only makes you feel worse and that’s not what you want.

When however you realize you want a happier life from here on out it’s time to let it sink in that you do have choices, now.  I have the choice to celebrate 36 years of marriage to the love of my life.  I have the choice to say “yes” to friends invitations and to enjoy their company.  I have the choice to make decisions about what I want for my life.  We can be grateful for all of the wonderful times we’ve had in life and for having choices moving forward.

No, we don’t have to like the ending… but if we give ourselves the chance to appreciate our new beginning we can move ourselves into a place of hope and happiness… one step at a time.  You deserve to be happy and it’s your choice to move in that direction.  Embrace it… because you can!

With love, Cheryl

Read more from Cheryl on here blog here.

Thanksgiving Anew

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Fotolia_51963380_Subscription_Monthly_MIn the last year, my husband lost his last immediate family member. Most years, our Thanksgiving was spent with his parents or sister, and now they are all gone. For a moment, for this first year, that left an empty feeling in us about this holiday…usually so full of family sharing and catching up…and laughter…and good food.

We don’t have children so there is no connection there…and for many who do have children, they start to go off with their spouses families as time goes by…so that isn’t always an available connection that can be counted on.

At first I was sad as I have big emotional expectations for that particular day. It my childhood, it was always a very happy day with no punishment or arguing. It was good to process that not having immediate family to share it with was a real loss, a genuine grief. I started wracking my brain to think of ANYONE we could invite to spend Thanksgiving with us so I could fill my house with the smell of a roasting turkey. But there are some events that must be genuine and can’t be “recreated” with a new cast of characters. So, what to do.

My brother has been going to an in-law’s house for the last several years with a HUGE group of people we didn’t really know. That didn’t feel like something we wanted to do. Technically we are distant family, but that is not the same as being with people who you know, that you have spent years with.

Then it occurred to me that we could go to the local soup kitchen and serve food to the homeless. THAT felt awesome…genuine good feeling…not recreated feelings. I asked my husband and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! So the energy shifted. The sadness had to be processed to make way for a new light, a new joy. fotolia_23798303_Subscription_L

I think at this holiday time of year it is important to be honest with ourselves so we can move on to a new experience. If it makes you sad, then be honest with yourself about it, then let it go, and think of something NEW to do for this holiday that would make YOU feel good. The idea of serving people who needed a meal felt very, very good.

As it turns out, my brother is going to have Thanksgiving at his house this year, so we have a place to go after all. But even if we hadn’t had that offer, we were ready for a NEW Thanksgiving. Also I happened to see a cooking show about roasting just a turkey breast with gobs of herbed butter under the skin, so I plan to do that the day after Thanksgiving so we can have left over turkey…the BEST turkey!

The important thing about this special day is to be thankful for what ever we have in our lives. It may even be less that what we used to have, or more. But being in a state of gratitude, no matter where you have your meal, or with whom you have it, is really what this day is about…and it feels awesome. Enjoy!

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