A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It’s The Choice That Heals or Hurts

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Everyday is a new experience as I learn to live solo.  Some of those experiences are terrifying (ok a little bit of an exaggeration.)  Others may be things I’ve experienced before and am seeing them differently without another voice to share them with.  None of that sounds particularly good to me which is where the choice comes in.

May 5th would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.  Yes it was very hard. Mourning the loss of the love of my life, the sharing, the laughter, our future together, is natural. I’m OK with that. I however intend to celebrate the life we did have.  Taking this approach contributes to my healing.

Last week though marked the 3rd month of Jack’s passing.   I noted the day but made the choice not to give the day more attention than the fact it was a Friday.  The last thing that I want my life to be about is Jack’s death. To do so would just magnify my loss… and that would hurt, more.  For me it’s not a day to celebrate although yes it was a day that marked the end to his suffering.  Now however is no longer about him… it’s about how I will choose to live my life.

Jack will always be a part of me.  When you love someone as deeply as I love him our souls are inseparable.   My life now, without his physical presence, is about what I need.  I can no longer help him… or build the rest of my life around him.

I will honor my husband by the way I live my life.  I will honor myself by choosing to live fully and committing myself to living with as much joy and happiness as I can find.  It’s not always going to be easy and sometimes I’m going to be miserable.   Grieving is a process… and we all go through it.

If you’ve lost any one or any thing in your life that matters you’re grieving too.  Remember that it is your choice to heal or hurt.  Sometimes you won’t make a healing choice.  That truly is OK because tomorrow you can make a difference choice.  Be gentle with yourself, always.

With love, Cheryl

On Living

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There was a time in my life that I didn’t want to crawl out from under the covers.  I was in a place 6 years ago where I’d lost everything that was important to me, except my marriage, and with it went my desire to do anything. One night I was watching TV when a commercial for antidepressants came on and I realized that’s what my life had become.  I existed.  That’s when I began writing and how Simple Steps came to be.

To say that this year didn’t start out the way I’d hoped is an understatement.  These last years though have taught me so much about myself and the choices I can make.  Yes, I am grieving and I’m OK with that.   There is however a bigger picture.  I’m not hiding under the covers.

Every experience teaches us something new about ourselves and our resilience.   We may not like the lesson but we can celebrate something… even though it may take a little while to do so.  Jack is the love of my life (period).  But my life goes on in this world and he’s in another one.   So while I may be grieving I’m also living.

Yesterday I volunteered at the Humane Society Doggie Dash here in Portland.  Last weekend my friend Jane & I drove out to wine country and explored the little towns, shops & sat on a beautiful deck and had a glass of wine.  Next weekend I’m driving to Seattle to visit friends and enjoy the city.   In June I’m celebrating my 60th birthday with friends in San Francisco.  Life goes on. And we take it at the pace that is right for us.

We find our balance and we move on.  We honor ourselves and make the conscious decision to find happiness again.  And if we fall into a black hole or lapse backward for a while that’s OK too.  We’re allowed to feel the pain just as we’re allowed to feel the joy again.

Anyone who knew Jack & I would say that I’m doing amazingly well in these last 3 months.  I choose to see moving forward as honoring his spirit.  If Jack could die with courage and grace then I can live with courage and grace… even if I have to live without him.
Life may not always be easy… but it’s our to do with as we choose.  What do you choose?

With love, Cheryl

Riding the Waves of Pain

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You’re going along on an even keel and something comes over you like a stabbing knife to the heart.  You lose you breath, fall to the ground (or the closest chair), and the tears just flow.  There is no way to stop the pain. Do you know the feeling?

From the time Jack was diagnosed until now my days and nights have been filled with those waves.  The fear of losing him has been overwhelming these last few years.  Then the last few weeks of his life was the calm before the storm because my only focus was on helping him.  There was little time to think about my pain… I just wanted to prevent his pain.  Then when he died the waves turned into a tsunami and there was nothing I could do.  I was consumed with my grief… and of course who wouldn’t be.

I’d like to say the worst is over and to a certain degree that is true.  I can go through my day to day life and from outward appearances I’m doing pretty good.  Even I think I’m doing better than I thought I would be.  The truth is life goes on and we have to.

Yet in the moments of silence, walking into an empty house, driving or sitting alone in the bedroom we shared, a sneaker wave will crash down on my head and I curl up in a ball and just cry.  (OK I don’t do that when I’m driving…)

There is no fighting these strong emotions when they hit us.  Resisting them in an effort to “buck up” and be strong does nothing but cause them to build up and back up.  And that just makes the next time that much worse.  Let them flow.  Let the waves crash over you and if you don’t resist them they will move off and dissipate.  I’ve tried resisting and I’ve not resisted.  This is the time when doing nothing is better than doing anything.   Let it happen.

By allowing your true emotions to flow you are honoring yourself.  This IS how you feel.  Give yourself the chance to heal by letting go of the need to contain your emotions.  Nothing is gained by a festering wound.  And above all respect yourself by acknowledging what you’re going through is a human experience and you are after all… human.

When you let it all happen and come out the other side of the wave of pain, stop, and acknowledge you did come through it.  Take inventory of yourself and realize you’re OK.   It from this new place that you’ll come to appreciate your own resilience.  Life gave you the worst it has to offer and you’re still standing. Celebrate that!  We have to take our success where we can get them right and when you’re on the other side of your worst nightmare give thanks for the dawn.

With love, Cheryl

The Slolution

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Young woman in dress looking out the windowI have no idea what ever possessed me to type “Slolution.”  It’s obviously not a real word but something called me to write it.  Even though I don’t know why I wrote it I do know exactly what it means.

The simple definition for “Slolution” is….  Slow Solutions.  The act of figuring out what is next in your life without the stress of having to know the answer right now.   In the past I would have moved very quickly to figure out a solution.  It may have not been the best in the end but I took action!  Unfortunately those moving too fast decisions weren’t always the best… or the lasting ones.

Lately my need for instant results or gratification is gone.  When we go through the worst life has to offer we really don’t care much about the stuff we use to obsess over.  For me if there needed to be an answer I was going to find it and find it fast.  Now it’s more along the lines of … “If it happens, it happens.”  It’s not that I don’t care I just have a very different perspective since Jack died.

The “slolution” for me means that I don’t have to be in charge and I don’t have to think it’s my responsibility to control an outcome.    I don’t have all the answers for life’s questions.  They’ll come in time… slowly… and they will solve my problems if I let them.

If we just give up the need to control the outcome and allow the solution to come to us in its own good time we’ll know when it’s right.  But in the meantime we can forget the churn of trying to know it all and know it all now.

That for me is worth more than having the answer now. I’ve had enough stress in my life… Haven’t you?  Are you willing to take it slow (er?)  Join me!

With love, Cheryl

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