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When Pain Runs Your Life

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How much more can you take?  Do you feel like the pain will never go away?  Are you devastated beyond your worst nightmare but know that life goes on even if you hate it right now?  That pretty much describes any life where radical, unwanted and unimaginable, changes dominate the here and now.  What can  you do about it?

If you’ve followed me for any time you know that I am a firm believer that whatever we are going (as horrific as it may be) is something we are meant to experience.  That is not to suggest however that we wanted it or have to appreciate it at this very moment.   In fact I’d go so far as to tell you that I hated my worst challenges. However no matter how much you may struggle and rail against your current condition there will be some point, maybe years down the line, that  you understand the value the experience brought to your life.

“Great”  you may say, “but that doesn’t help me now.”  But what if it did?  What if instead of letting the pain run (and ruin) your life you just let it be?  What if you allowed yourself to experience the pain, nightmare, the challenge, without the judgment or the struggle? If in the midst of your overwhelming grief you said to yourself, “I am going through this for a reason and I’m not going to fight it anymore?”  By allowing yourself to feel the full weight of whatever is overwhelming your life you preserve what little energy you have for something better.  (Like to start living the life you want.)

How much relief would you have by letting it happen and the realizing when you come up for air that you are still standing?  Some fights  you can’t win.  Your spouse walks out or dies, your home goes into foreclosure, your job ends.  You may have fought a good battle all along but you also know when no matter what you do it’s not going to change the ultimate loss.  Feel it, hate it if you must, but stop fighting it and start healing.

It takes time.   I used to say that I lost everything in my life except my husband and then he died.  There comes a point where you have to decide if you’re going to let the pain run your life or you’re going to just stop running.  It’s when you decide to stop the struggle that you begin to heal.

When you’re ready… do this for you.

With love, Cheryl

There Is A Time For Everything

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Have you lost someone or something in your life?  Is your grief overwhelming and you feel like you’ll never get past it?  Are you willing to entertain the belief, just for a moment, that you will get past it? If you are then in that moment I’m going to ask you to just do one thing.  Recognize where you are is a just part of your journey.  You know in your heart that life goes on and so will you.

If you entertain the thought that your life will go on then you can also realize that right now might be the time you need to wallow in your sorrow. Your sorrow is as much a part of your life’s journey as being happy, excited, inspired or any more positive experience. Let it be what it is… part.

Not the whole, part.
Not the end, a view point.
When you tire of the view you can and will move on.

How do you move on?  Let your next step be about what you don’t do instead of what you do.  It’s somewhat easier that way. As someone who is learning to live again after Jack’s death here are something things I know if you’ll stop doing you’ll actually allow yourself to move beyond where you are now.

  • Stop focusing on your life without.  For example there is longevity in my family and when I really am in pain I think about living the next 30 years without Jack.  That’s a gut wrenching thought. If instead I shift my thoughts to having 36 great years with him the pain is less intense.
  • Stop listening to music that brings you down.  “See You Again” by Charlie Puth is a wonderful song that brings me to tears every time.  There is an attraction to feeling the pain of this loss but changing the station helps me more.
  • Stop spending time with your “misery loves company” friends or friends who want to talk about how great their life is.  Instead spend time with friends who make you laugh.

It’s easy to feel the pain.  It’s hard to make it stop.  It’s simple to choose something that feels just a little bit better and right now that is as good as it needs to be.

With love, Cheryl

 

When What You’ve Lost Is More Than You Can Bear

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Couple Holding HandsI’ve been doing my best to get out and walk every evening.  Jack & I use to do that all that time.  We’d walk around our neighborhood, holding hands, and we were the cute couple.  It breaks my heart to not have my hand in his.  But I keep moving… because I know it’s what I need to do for me.

When you find yourself without what use to be your life it really is more than anyone should have to bear.  I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a child or a career.  When something means so much to you that it hurts to be without it it’s hard to even think about going on… but we do.

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since Jack died.  He looked at me and commented about all of the stress being gone from my face.  And it is in that I am not longer on an endless heighten alert for fear Jack would fall or not be able to keep his food down.  Gone is the stress about what would happen to me without him.  It’s painful to be without him but I’m still able to function and care for myself.  Because that’s what I do.

Grief and the pain of major life challenges are somethings we all will go through whether we want to or not.  And some events are more horrific than others but… as they say… this is life.

You may not have experienced any of this yet.. but when you do I hope you’ll remember this.  You will get through it… and yes it will tear at your soul and break your heart… but you will heal.  It takes time.  And you’re still living so you have that on your side.  Allow it all to be as it is then allow yourself to find peace. Because you will.

With love, Cheryl

There Is Always A Message

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We just have to be open to receive it…

This was a particularly difficult day. I don’t know why… it just was.  Driving home in tears I just wanted to hear Jack’s voice… or at least feel his presence and know he is close.  Nothing.  I just felt empty.  And there was no consoling my grief.

After dinner I decided to walk the route Jack and I use to take.  It was getting colder and I decided to wear Jack’s favorite jacket.  I just needed to feel him close.  Cleaning out the pockets I came across a silver medallion that I’d never seen before.  It said,
“One Day At A Time” on one side and on the other side is a version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn’t what I thought I wanted but it was what I needed.   And there was no coincidence that it came to me when I needed it most.  There was peace in this discovery.

Are you open to receiving what you need in some form other than what you think you should? What might you discover if you set aside your expectations and allow yourself to be comforted?

Sometimes it’s enough just to be open to the possibilities.

With love, Cheryl

 

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