A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What I Can Learn from a Dog’s Life?

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Fotolia_33562716_Subscription_Monthly_MI met a lovely little dog yesterday, and her name is Sophie. Sophie is 12 years old, deaf, and just as smart and sweet as can be. When her owner picked her up, Sophie seemed to melt into her arms. Sophie was so completely content and trusting in her owner’s actions, I could actually feel it.

I then learned that Sophie had a traumatic past. Her new owner actually rescued her from near euthanization just one year before. It was such a trip to me because without knowing about her past, it seemed like Sophie and her owner had been together forever, and that Sophie hadn’t experienced one second of fear or pain.

Actually, someone had told Sophie’s owner that it takes dogs six months to forget trauma. Whether or not that’s true, I love the way that idea sparks my imagination. Here’s what’s delicious about it to me – why can’t I (or can I?) be dog-like in that way? What if I gave myself six months to grieve/be pissed/hurt about my non-preferred experiences and then move on, healed, renewed and better than ever?

In my case, I was a pro at holding on to resentment and hurt. After experiencing my own trauma as a little one, I held on to it for decades. I kept all of it secret, and my pain jumped from back burner to front burner at different times, but it always stayed with me.

I used to think that if I started to cry, I’d never stop because my pain was so deep. To me tears equaled death. However, once my choice became face the pain or die (yes, I went to the cliff’s edge), facing my pain didn’t kill me, it ultimately freed me! By facing it, I mean safely releasing my anger and hurt (with harm to none, including myself) without judgment.

It felt like I found the formula to release hurt and reconnect with my good feelings (and, by the way, this formula isn’t new, nor is it a secret). I use this formula all the time. Sometimes I “get over it” very quickly, especially when it’s a minor annoyance. And even when I give myself six months (or however much time I think I need) to get over the bigger hurts, invariably I move through them more quickly.

One time I was particularly heartbroken and I allowed my pain to just be. It was simmering inside of me. I let myself feel it without judgment. I felt a pang in my heart for months. Then one day it just bubbled to the surface. I was driving my car, and the song “Since I Fell for You” came on, and my feelings came to a head.

It felt like a dagger pierced my heart. I started crying. And crying. Then I stopped crying. And then I started crying again. I played that one song over and over again whenever I was in my car. Sometimes I would scream, other times I would cry, talk aloud and even laugh. Whatever my emotions needed to express, I let them out safely. I was “in it,” if that makes sense.

I played that one song for about a week. I immersed myself in it and just let my emotions out. All of them that had something to say – about my heartbreak, him, myself, and whatever else – got their turn.

I could literally feel the cloud over my heart lifting. My pain was diminishing and I started to feel a sense of lightness again, or perhaps I lightened up first, which, in turn, soothed my pain. Whatever it was, it happened gently and naturally. My emotions simmered down around my breakup and pretty much went away for good.

I didn’t need to play the song over and over anymore. Actually, I got sick of it. I was done grieving! From that moment on, whenever I think about that breakup, it is now simply a fact. It was an event that had occurred in my life, and now without pain attached to. Actually I was (and am) very grateful for the relationship. I keep with me what I learned, liked and disliked about it, and I continue to let it teach me more about myself. It is very, very cool.

Something tells me I’m not alone when it comes to holding on to painful experiences. Suffice to say, to transform it in six months or less for me means immersing myself in the pain (emotionally speaking) until it naturally heals. I’d still live my life while doing it. I’d still work every day, enjoy my family and friends, and allow my feelings to ebb and flow without judgment and with harm to none, including myself. I would acknowledge and embrace my unfulfilled expectations, and that’s how I break (what feels like) a spell of sadness that I’m under.

Now, when it comes to smart, sweet and trusting little Sophie and those six months, I read that because dogs totally live in the moment they don’t remember past trauma unless something happens that triggers it. I’m thinking that perhaps Sophie’s current environment is so peaceful that she is just completely chilled out. There’s no longer fear and pain, just love.

If only it were that simple for humans – to have a peaceful and trigger-less environment in order to forget all the pain. My experience is that it doesn’t happen that way… I used to find triggers regardless, even if they were only in my mind and I’d relive painful experiences over and over again.

But what if we allowed ourselves to feel the pain with the intention of getting through it rather than avoiding, judging or trying to ignore it? Why not embrace hurt and sadness, giving them some attention just as we would a more pleasant and likable aspect of ourselves? After all, they do coexist. We can feel pain alongside joy, curiosity, etc.

What if you face your pain and tell yourself the truth about how you feel about it with harm to none, including yourself? What if your triggers only summoned the memory of the event with no pain attached to it? I believe it is possible for you, and possible to live each moment, having been enriched by all of your non-preferred experiences.

At all times, I wish you Sophie’s unwavering contentment and love!

Getting Through Overwhelming Grief

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If you’ve ever suffered the loss of a loved then you understand that there are times when getting out of bed or up off of the floor seem impossible.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a day after their passing or months later grief takes over and there seems to be absolutely nothing you can do about it.  What you’re experiencing is not only natural, but in my opinion, a necessary part of healing. That doesn’t mean however it’s easy.

Easy isn’t word in my vocabulary when it comes to my grief.  Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it’s a gentle ache and other times it knocks me to the ground, literally, and I find myself sobbing in a corner of the room.

I use to tell myself that I needed to be strong.  I am alone now and Jack isn’t physically here to help me through this.  Not long after his death, in the middle of a crying jag, I realized that feeling this pain was an important part of the healing process.  After all how could I pretend to be strong when I was standing alone for the first time in decades?

We have the right to feel every moment and the very depth of our grief.  Losing the love of your life, a child, a parent or a best friend, irrevocably changes your life.  They are no longer a part of what you’ll experience from this point forward and that hole in your heart if huge.  The key however is in recognizing all of that.

Rather than trying to buck up and be strong I tell myself, as my tears flow, that I need to have this experience.  I need to feel the grief to its fullest.  Yes, it drains me and yes, I come through it feeling down and blue… but I come through it and so will you. It’s when we fight it or berate ourselves for being overwhelmed by it that our energy gets tied up in feeling bad about ourselves instead of feeling bad because our loved one died.   Can you see the difference?

Grieving has everything to do with the loss.  That is natural and honest and necessary.  Berating ourselves is a choice and one that is unnecessary and hurts us even more.

So when you are on the floor next time say to yourself, “I need to feel every part of my grief.”  Let the tears flow and the pain overwhelm you.  As it starts to abate, even just a little, remind yourself that this is all part of your healing and a natural part of life.  You will get through it… as you need to for you.

With love, Cheryl

Riding the Waves of Pain

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You’re going along on an even keel and something comes over you like a stabbing knife to the heart.  You lose you breath, fall to the ground (or the closest chair), and the tears just flow.  There is no way to stop the pain. Do you know the feeling?

From the time Jack was diagnosed until now my days and nights have been filled with those waves.  The fear of losing him has been overwhelming these last few years.  Then the last few weeks of his life was the calm before the storm because my only focus was on helping him.  There was little time to think about my pain… I just wanted to prevent his pain.  Then when he died the waves turned into a tsunami and there was nothing I could do.  I was consumed with my grief… and of course who wouldn’t be.

I’d like to say the worst is over and to a certain degree that is true.  I can go through my day to day life and from outward appearances I’m doing pretty good.  Even I think I’m doing better than I thought I would be.  The truth is life goes on and we have to.

Yet in the moments of silence, walking into an empty house, driving or sitting alone in the bedroom we shared, a sneaker wave will crash down on my head and I curl up in a ball and just cry.  (OK I don’t do that when I’m driving…)

There is no fighting these strong emotions when they hit us.  Resisting them in an effort to “buck up” and be strong does nothing but cause them to build up and back up.  And that just makes the next time that much worse.  Let them flow.  Let the waves crash over you and if you don’t resist them they will move off and dissipate.  I’ve tried resisting and I’ve not resisted.  This is the time when doing nothing is better than doing anything.   Let it happen.

By allowing your true emotions to flow you are honoring yourself.  This IS how you feel.  Give yourself the chance to heal by letting go of the need to contain your emotions.  Nothing is gained by a festering wound.  And above all respect yourself by acknowledging what you’re going through is a human experience and you are after all… human.

When you let it all happen and come out the other side of the wave of pain, stop, and acknowledge you did come through it.  Take inventory of yourself and realize you’re OK.   It from this new place that you’ll come to appreciate your own resilience.  Life gave you the worst it has to offer and you’re still standing. Celebrate that!  We have to take our success where we can get them right and when you’re on the other side of your worst nightmare give thanks for the dawn.

With love, Cheryl

It’s OK To Get Angry… But

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Regina BannerIt’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

It’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty-two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

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