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Nothing – Everything – Nothing

November 4, 2015 by Steve Bolia

Fall Colors 021I live in an area that is not quite the Mid-West, it’s certainly not the South, it’s far too west to be called the East and a little to south to be the North. It’s a place I call home and it’s that time of year to begin to put the garden away for the winter. This means cleaning out flower beds, raking leaves, cutting back plants and putting things into the shed for storage. It’s a cycle that happens every year – year after year.

There’s a calm and simple stillness that the garden has from now until April. The winter garden is a true beauty that more often than not, goes unnoticed. We tend to the garden’s needs at the end of the season and then move into our own winter cocoon – sometimes forgetting to even look out at the empty beds and withered grass. When I tend to the garden this time of year, there’s also a little excitement for me and I have those moments of, “Oh cool, next year, I’ll do this instead: and I’ll move these over here….” -all kinds of plans, because I know that they will come back – that they will once again be vibrant and full of color and life.

This time of year also marks the anniversary of my Father’s passing. For the last ten years, I have toasted to his life and have mourned his absence. The garden he was part of, or his “Tribe” as he called us, has moved forward. It has continued to bloom and thrive and grow, but the tall tree in the middle has not come back. As a wise man once told me, “His Absence has become his Presence.” I like that!

Now, this month I add another name to the list of those whose presence will be missed. Last week, one of my cousins, who is very much a contemporary of mine, died of a massive heart attack. No longer will her flowers bloom in my Tribe’s garden.

So, as I put my garden away for the winter; as the plant’s blooms cease and the leaves turn brown, I think about those in my tribe who have passed. The Iris, Black-eyed Susan, Primrose, Roses, Hydrangea and Dalia are just like us. They come from nothing – they are everything, full of life and color – they then return to nothing. But unlike us, these plants have a seed or bulb we can still see and we trust that once again, they will burst into life.

I wish it were like that with us. I wish there were a seed we would leave behind, a promise that we will return. But alas, there is not. Or, is there?

Science tells us, energy cannot be created nor destroyed – it just changes shape. At the very base, we are energy – we are animated by a spark. The outer casing or our bodies are just a vehicle or house for this spark. It is a place for which the spark can express itself. Now, that opens the floor to a lot of questions for me! Some of which are, “Where did this spark come from?” and “Where does it go after it leaves the body?” We can only guess, right?

Eastern teachings state that all of creation; from the dandelion, to the robin to each one of us is simply an expression of the Divine, or Shakti. Shakti is the creative force that gives rise to everything – it wants to experience all things from the smallest to the largest and the most hideous to the most beautiful. It cares not how it is expressed and therefore all forms of this expression are equal. When one aspect of Shakti’s expression withers and dies, another form comes bursting to life. But it is the cycle that we are so afraid of – especially the death part when it comes to our own Being. Because once we die, what’s next? This is called “The Human Dilemma”. As we know it, we are born, we grow and learn, we have experiences of love and hate, we serve others or we hoard our resources and then one day…we take our last breath. It happens to all of us and it is that thought that scares us more than anything else. Eastern Religions also tell us that there are five causes of suffering: they are: Ego, Attachment, Aversion, Ignorance and Fear of Death. They also say that to be happy, we must recognize these causes of suffering and free ourselves of them.

Through mindful living and keeping ourselves present in every moment, we begin to still the ego brain. It is our ego which labels experiences or things as good or bad. It is our ego which judges all things based on our attachments and aversions and this then leads to false beliefs. It is our ego that tells us that this physical body is immortal – as long as we keep ourselves busy with our likes and dislikes, we can hold death away from our doors. But by keeping ourselves mindful and present we see life as it is – a string of events that are all equal, no one thing better or worse than another.

So, as I reflect on the passing of my cousin, I try not to judge the experience. She lived as she did; she interacted with the world and then took her last breath. It is what we all will do – like the billions who have gone before us, like every expression of Shakti.

Her particular flower or expression of Shakti will be missed. I now welcome a new energy source into my garden however this new expression will be.

Peace,
Steve Bolia

Getting Through Overwhelming Grief

August 30, 2015 by Cheryl Maloney

 If you’ve ever suffered the loss of a loved then you understand that there are times when getting out of bed or up off of the floor seem impossible.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a day after their passing or months later grief takes over and there seems to be absolutely nothing you can do about it.  What you’re experiencing is not only natural, but in my opinion, a necessary part of healing. That doesn’t mean however it’s easy.

Easy isn’t word in my vocabulary when it comes to my grief.  Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it’s a gentle ache and other times it knocks me to the ground, literally, and I find myself sobbing in a corner of the room.

I use to tell myself that I needed to be strong.  I am alone now and Jack isn’t physically here to help me through this.  Not long after his death, in the middle of a crying jag, I realized that feeling this pain was an important part of the healing process.  After all how could I pretend to be strong when I was standing alone for the first time in decades?

We have the right to feel every moment and the very depth of our grief.  Losing the love of your life, a child, a parent or a best friend, irrevocably changes your life.  They are no longer a part of what you’ll experience from this point forward and that hole in your heart if huge.  The key however is in recognizing all of that.

Rather than trying to buck up and be strong I tell myself, as my tears flow, that I need to have this experience.  I need to feel the grief to its fullest.  Yes, it drains me and yes, I come through it feeling down and blue… but I come through it and so will you. It’s when we fight it or berate ourselves for being overwhelmed by it that our energy gets tied up in feeling bad about ourselves instead of feeling bad because our loved one died.   Can you see the difference?

Grieving has everything to do with the loss.  That is natural and honest and necessary.  Berating ourselves is a choice and one that is unnecessary and hurts us even more.

So when you are on the floor next time say to yourself, “I need to feel every part of my grief.”  Let the tears flow and the pain overwhelm you.  As it starts to abate, even just a little, remind yourself that this is all part of your healing and a natural part of life.  You will get through it… as you need to for you.

With love, Cheryl

Say Something

May 2, 2015 by Cheryl Maloney

people, relationship and love concept - close up of womans cupped hands showing red heartFor the longest time when Jack was sick I didn’t want to tell anyone… mostly because he never wanted anyone to see him as anything but who he was.  He didn’t want to be defined or treated differently because he had cancer.  I respected his wishes… it was his life.  In his last few weeks he agreed to see people… because he knew they needed to see him and say their “good byes.”  There was never anything easy about this time for those who came to visit but it meant so much to him that they did come.  He couldn’t speak much in the end but as his wife I could tell that these visits helped him realize that he made a difference in this lifetime… and he did.

This week I received and e-mail telling me that an old friend just found out he has terminal cancer. Though I hadn’t spoken with him in 16 years I dialed his number and was overwhelmed to hear his voice again.  Coming through all I’ve been through these last few years I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for what he and his family were and would be going through.  He didn’t know about Jack and maybe knowing that helped him to understand why I reached out to him.  In the years we knew each other he was a trusted friend and a larger than life inspiration who I respected and admired. I never told him that… but I needed to (for me) and I wanted him to know.

It’s hard to know what to say at times like these.  If you speak from your heart you will always say the right thing.  Jack didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him and I’ve never wanted anyone to pity me for losing him.  But knowing someone cares always, always helps.

There are three people in my life who by knowing them have made me a better person… and inspired me to be more than I am at this moment.  One has died, one is dying and one has no idea.

Say something.  Tell the people who have meant or mean something to you that you care… before you can’t.

With love,
Cheryl

When What You’ve Lost Is More Than You Can Bear

April 20, 2015 by Cheryl Maloney

Couple Holding HandsI’ve been doing my best to get out and walk every evening.  Jack & I use to do that all that time.  We’d walk around our neighborhood, holding hands, and we were the cute couple.  It breaks my heart to not have my hand in his.  But I keep moving… because I know it’s what I need to do for me.

When you find yourself without what use to be your life it really is more than anyone should have to bear.  I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a child or a career.  When something means so much to you that it hurts to be without it it’s hard to even think about going on… but we do.

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since Jack died.  He looked at me and commented about all of the stress being gone from my face.  And it is in that I am not longer on an endless heighten alert for fear Jack would fall or not be able to keep his food down.  Gone is the stress about what would happen to me without him.  It’s painful to be without him but I’m still able to function and care for myself.  Because that’s what I do.

Grief and the pain of major life challenges are somethings we all will go through whether we want to or not.  And some events are more horrific than others but… as they say… this is life.

You may not have experienced any of this yet.. but when you do I hope you’ll remember this.  You will get through it… and yes it will tear at your soul and break your heart… but you will heal.  It takes time.  And you’re still living so you have that on your side.  Allow it all to be as it is then allow yourself to find peace. Because you will.

With love, Cheryl

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