A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What Do You Want Your Life To Be About

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Jack's Self Portrait
Jack’s Self Portrait

As the days keep coming and Jack’s death moves further into the past I find that I’m tired of talking about it… even though I still do.  The more I listen to myself, especially with those who don’t know that my husband has recently passed, the more I sound like a sad story-teller.  I don’t want to be that person.

Jack’s own philosophy over these last few years is resonating with me more now than before.  He never wanted to talk about his cancer because that’s not what he wanted his life to be about.  He wanted people to see him as a passionate photographer who was talented, inspirational and encouraging to anyone who wanted to develop their skills.  Up until almost the day he died many of his friends knew he had cancer but didn’t know he was dying.  That was an amazing feat considering how much he had endured.

Now, on the other side of his death, I find myself not wanting to be the widow.  Yes I am… but that’s not what I want my life to be about.  It’s not that I don’t mourn his passing.  Those close to us understand why every day I have to make a conscious choice not to crawl up in a ball and shut out the world.  If I give up now then my life would be that of the sad woman whose husband died too young.  That would be a waste of this life I’ve been given and honestly, to me, disrespectful of all he endured.

Yes it’s hard… more so than not.  However I believe there is a reason and a purpose for my experiences.  There is more for me left to do in this lifetime. I have a choice.  I can live the story that breaks my heart or I can live a life lifts me up above my pain.  It may not always be an easy choice but it is that simple.

What do you want your life to be about?  What choice will you make the be the person you want to be?  Let’s walk together…

With love, Cheryl

(The photo in this article is one that Jack took of himself… that I never knew he’d taken until after he died.  The left side of his face is obscured intentionally because that is was the part of his face and neck that were so severely impacted by the cancer and the treatments.  He didn’t want people to remember him for his suffering.)

Living In Fear? Find Solitude

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Fotolia_6337787_Subscription_LHow many times has someone said to you, “It will be ok” and you smiled because if you didn’t they’d keep talking?   Do you get tired of well-intentioned friends encouraging you with “This too shall pass?”  Do you just want to be left alone to feel what you’re feeling?

There are so many good people who want to help you through whatever you’re going through and you know you can rely on them.  However, when we are at an all time low about our lot in life, all of the words of support and encouragement can fall flat.  I know because I’ve been in some very low places and despite all the good intentions the voice in my head was just saying, “Yeah, right.  You don’t understand.”

If you’re feeling that way I encourage you to go to a place where you can be alone.  You need the time to think for yourself, to feel what is causing you pain and then to decide for yourself what you’ll do now or next.  If you’re around others their voices will drown out your own especially if they are determined to help you.  And right now you need to hear your own voice because it’s the only one you’re going to believe.

In this time of solitude allow yourself to vent out every emotion you have.  You’re safe… no one can hear you and you don’t have to worry about what they might think.

I encourage you to give voice to your worst fears.  Create the scenario in your head about everything that could go wrong.  When Jack was first diagnosed with leukemia and then again with cancer my worst fears were that he would die and I’d be alone, broke and homeless.  None of those things have happened but they were real fears to me.

If you did this with a friend they would be the first to tell you that you’re overreacting… and you are but you don’t need them to make you feel bad about yourself.  (Even if they are trying to help!)

The point of this exercise is to release the fears rather than burying them.  If you try to hide them or avoid them then they are always there and will come out when you need them least.  Instead by exposing your fears to the light you can see them for what they are… figments of your vivid imagination.

The interesting thing about our worst fears is that 93% of the time they never come to fruition.  Knowing that has helped me focus on a differently likelihood.   I’ll bet my life on the lesser outcomes than I’m going to bet on the 7%.   Perhaps you’re thinking that with your luck you’ll fall into the exception range.  That’s your ego talking.  “I’m different, I’m special, I’m the exception to the rule.”  This is not a time to let your ego take over because your ego isn’t your friend… it’s your ego and you need to avoid it like you’re avoiding other people right now.

Once you have vented out your fears, sit, do nothing, and enjoy the release of those emotions.  In that silence you will hear your soul’s voice… the one you’ll believe when it says to you “We’ll get through this.  I have your back.”   Your voice is the only one that matters when you’re dealing with your life.  Everything that comes from your soul comes from a place of love, kindness and respect. And that is what you need to hear right now.   And that is all you need to know.  Therein lies peace.

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