A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Time To Listen

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Singing Tufted Titmouse JawDroppingPhotography“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” – Bryant H. McGill

As spring finally arrives I am reminded of the importance of listening, deep listening, the kind of listening that awakens your soul.

Even though it’s still a little chilly in my neck of the woods, most mornings I put on my winter coat, grab my coffee and head outside before the sun comes up.  The dogs and I silently listen to the beautiful sounds of the birds as they wake up, singing their morning song.  I know they are speaking to me, telling me to embrace the day with love and gratitude.

As humans, we tend to get so caught up in our “own minds” that we don’t always take the time to deeply listen to another soul.  Being present, with an open ear, is one of the greatest gifts you can give to another being.

For years my husband and I have been following the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, who offers a simple yet profound way of being present in the world, with mindfulness, meditation and deep listening. When we began the process we realized that we really didn’t listen deeply.  We realized that many times we were, in essence, pretending to listen, with simple responses like, “oh, wow, and uh-huh”.

Listening is a skill that can be learned, and “good-listening” will enhance the quality of every relationship, whether personal or professional; your loved ones will realize that you really care and your clients/customers will appreciate that you actually pay attention to their wants and needs. Think about how you like to be treated and you’ll know that this feels true.

How do you practice deep listening? Here are 10 tips to begin:

  1. Set the intention to listen deeply, include listening to yourself
  2.  Be sure to allow enough time for the conversations you share – remember it’s a conversation and allow ample time for BOTH parties to converse
  3.  Be present – keep yourself tuned in to the moment
  4.  Minimize outside distractions – turn your phones off
  5.  Focus on what they are saying
  6. Don’t think about what YOU want to say
  7. Ask questions, the basics: who, what, where, why, when and how
  8.  When you ask a question, be patient for the response. Don’t anticipate what you think the response will be
  9.  Don’t give advice unless you are asked
  10. Notice how you feel when others offer deep listening to you.

Every day I catch myself not practicing these suggestions (a few years ago, I wouldn’t have) especially number 9, particularly when I’m talking with my adult children. It’s my nature to want to solve their problems and see them shine. Simply being aware of the moment that you really need to “be present” in a conversation is a great way to begin.

“I am determined to practice deep listening. I am determined to practice loving speech.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

For more information on how you can incorporate meditation into your life and practice Soulcial Living, visit the resources page at TeriGriffinWilliams.com

Who Do You Listen To?

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Fotolia_29658537_Subscription_XLI read somewhere recently that most of the time that when we think that we are “thinking” we are really just running old tapes…reliving experiences…not really thinking about something new. I thought that was pretty profound information and, when I started to pay attention, I found it to be largely true for me!  So when running those old tapes, who am I listening to? Whoever was around at the time? My parents? My minister? My high school girlfriend? My therapist?

Most likely, it wasn’t ME I was listening to.

This is how we grow up.  We have experiences and then we get feedback from other humans to sort out what to do with our experiences. So we listen to a LOT of other voices in the process of maturing…and…if it is true that we do replay so many ‘past experience’ tapes in our heads, we might still be listening to our 5th grade teacher without even realizing it!

With the world changing as fast as it is, it is important to start tuning into your own higher voice…to start learning HOW to hear your own wisdom instead of the wisdom of other humans who may or may not be any smarter than you…or wiser…just perhaps older?

There are many ways to learn to listen.

  • Meditation is one great way if you can sit and be silent.  Your higher self will send you your own original thoughts, and in time you can learn to hear the difference between your own higher voice and those of other voices from the past.  There are many great teachers to help you learn how to do that.  They say that when the student asks, the teacher will appear.  So that is one option open to you and if you think it might work for you, ask to be directed to the right teacher.
  • Journaling is another way to let your very own thoughts into your conscious mind.  Keep a journal or simple note pad by the bed and when you wake up first thing in the morning, write down your freshest thoughts.  Many people have wonderful original thoughts when they sleep, but if they don’t write them down right away, they can dissolve like the morning mist on the mountain when the sun rises in the sky.
  • My favorite of course is to use some form of divination, like a deck of message cards. When I want some advice from my own personal higher self, I sit calmly, take some deep breaths, center myself, and clearly ask my question.  Then I draw a card and ponder what the answer means to me. In the early days of using the I-Ching, I kept a record of all my questions and all my answers, and what I thought they meant at the time.  Once in a while now I look back at those 40 year old notes and am amazed at how profound the advice was.  At the time I wasn’t sure, but looking back, I am so glad I did that homework.  Now it gives me more faith in my own inner voice, my own higher self.  No one can teach you that.  You just have to put in the time, ask your questions and listen to you answers.

All this assumes that you understand you HAVE a higher self, a soul-voice. The only way to really trust that you do is to make contact and start listening. I can’t convince you, nor should you listen to me about it.  It is something that must be experience to be understood and believed.

It doesn’t matter how old you are or where you are in your life.  There is no time like the present to get started…that is unless your adolescent boyfriend is still in your head telling you that you just aren’t that smart!  Boot him out and get started on your adventure!

You are the only one who can!

Losers to Winners

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87451490I love team sports for the same reason I loved playing the cello in an orchestra.  I love when people come together for a common goal.  In team sports and in team music, a successfully coordinated effort brings everyone together into perceiving themselves as one unit.

Last year I followed a college football team that experienced a head coach change mid-season.  The program was perceived to be a losing one, and the university changed leadership in the hopes of turning things around.

I would have loved to interview a few of the players to see if they perceived themselves as losers.  I would be willing to guess that, given their consistent effort and support from teammates, they knew themselves to be winners.  Having emerged from a storm, perhaps they had come to the realization that, given their trials, each success, no matter how small, was very sweet.

I have a real affinity with that idea, having experienced decades of wanting to be a winner but feeling like a loser.  That is where I lived in my heart and in my head.  And, once transformed, I came to realize that my personal trials were the incredibly fertile soil in which my strength, respect and self-value were cultivated.  I came to understand that a perceived “loser” is a winner-in-becoming, and it’s an internal job.

You are a winner, period.  Ask yourself:

  • What is the value of your success in the midst of your trials?  How did your understanding of success it shift after that experience?
  • How did that trial serve you exactly as-is?  What did you come to understand about your strength and fortitude after having experienced it?
  • Given how you feel now and the insights you have come to understand, in retrospect, and based upon what you have gained, would you change those experiences?
  • What do you want to share with others who may be searching for solace in the midst of trials?

 Kahlil Gibran once wrote,

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

I invite you to consider that your own trials and tribulations are gifts for you to unwrap.  Rather than endeavor to forget them, engage your imagination to think about how they have served you.  Once you get the gifts from each of them, they will truly and softly meld within the beautiful tapestry that is your life, and enrich your self-understanding that can only catapult you forward.  All the things you desire to be are already with you.  The practice of shifting from loser-to-winner status brings your wishes to you.

I sit in the bleachers, cheering you on!

I Choose Happiness

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RobdorganIn 2011 my partner and I left our jobs of 12 years to start a new life adventure. We both worked for the same manufacturing company and it was time to either buy the company or move on to something new. Before we took the positions we had seriously considered going to massage school. We had even shopped around and decided on a holistic school in New Mexico. We originally took the jobs at our friend’s business thinking that we would stay long enough to make the tuition with a little cushion. But as we like to say, “Life Happened.” The jobs were challenging and rewarding. Then we took care of aging parents. Before we knew it we were there for 12 years.

So facing 50 and beyond we felt it was time to try something new and follow our hearts to be of service in the holistic arts. Wow! I had no idea how comfortable I had become with a steady pay check and security as I saw it. As the time came for our amicable departure, I started to freak out. I became disoriented and very unsure about what we were doing and questioning whether or not I could do the next step— school.

I had this low grade fear that just hung on me like a ball and chain. My mind was constantly thinking about it no matter what I was doing. Interesting to me and my partner, was the fact that I had always been the one pushing us to do something different, take chances and jump head first, but now, I was immobilized. I was not able to access happy at all in my life because I was living in Fear with a capital F.

We kept with the plan and moved from our Kentucky home to New Mexico to study massage and natural therapeutics. I had something to focus on which was a great relief. The school experience was fantastic. We had never been in school together. We excelled not only in the program but with each other. We bonded even more deeply in our personal relationship. We saw new dimensions of each other that just opened our hearts up wide.

It really seemed like I had turned a corner. I was “my self” in New Mexico. Ten months later, with degree in-hand, we returned home. The cloud descended thicker and heavier than ever and the fear returned. Sure, we had new skills but no clients and very little money coming in. I felt like a negativity sponge. There was no silver lining in anything. For the first time in my life I seriously considered antidepressants. I was not happy. Nor did I see myself being happy in the near future.

Two days before Christmas and one week before our vacation to Key West in 2012 I jumped for a pull up bar at the gym. I was still recovering from the flu and had ignored my intuitive voice that morning that told me to skip the trainer and let myself heal. I jumped. I missed with the left arm and did not let go fast enough with the right arm. POP! I pulled the bicep tendon right off the bone. I knew it was something major. My right arm looked very different from the left – not to mention the discomfort and the very concerned look on my trainers face. It was at that very moment I heard a voice inside my head say, “you have to change this course you’re on.” I knew exactly what the voice meant. I had a choice. I knew I was pulling negativity to me. I saw only dark so I was manifesting dark.

In the 24 hours between seeing my doctor and the surgeon. I observed a tug of war in my mind and body between deciding to be happy or unhappy. I cried a lot that day. I was scared of where I was headed. I realized that I wanted so badly to be happy. I missed loving life. I felt that this was a cross-road. I got on the internet, with the help of my good arm and pulled up every positive thinking, inspirational website I could find. I started reading books that encouraged me. Within hours I felt a shift. There was still a struggle inside me between the martyr and the part of me that wanted to be truly happy. But at least I felt two sides instead of just the bleak dark cloud I had lived in for two years.

I opened myself up to possibilities. I found a juicing site where the guy was talking about what vegetables to juice for a quicker recovery. So we bought a juicer and tons of vegetables. The first surgeon I saw was not a specialist with my injury but he got his colleague to see me that very day. He was exactly who I needed. I not only wanted my bicep fixed I wanted to be 100% so I could get my massage business off the ground, keep up with my yoga practice and still work out.

I told my friends that I needed help. I needed them to be up and positive and to spoon feed me the same. I had to cut a few people out of my life. I was honest. I did not have the time or energy to deal with the power of being unhappy. You know who I am talking about— the people you have around that no matter what is going on they are just miserable. I felt for them because I had been there. But I wasn’t strong enough at that point to help anyone. I needed to help myself first and foremost.

My life for those two years had been a perfect storm for bringing on unhappiness. Major life changes have us face our selves and our fears. My wake up call was a physical injury that put my new life as a massage therapist, yoga teacher and personal trainer on hold for more than three months. But I started to look at it as an opportunity to learn other things. I took my meditation practice to a completely different level. I had always made excuses for not meditating longer because of time. Now time was all that I had. Meditation helped me take a deeper journey of self discovery. How had I become so unhappy in the first place? What were the fears that were holding me back? How did I lose the sense of who I am and what I am capable of doing?

My journey to choosing happiness had me turn off the TV, abstain from almost all media and surround myself with everything that encouraged me to live and grow stronger in body, mind and spirit. There is no vaccine against negativity but a prescription of love, goodness and a strong dose of living in the “Happy” can turn your life around. Our lives are how we perceive them. Our perception is influenced by what we take into us. So breathe deep and take in all the goodness you can find. Limit your intake of negativity. Strengthen your relationship with yourself by deepening the love you have for YOU. The people in your life will benefit from it too because the happier you are and the more you love you—— the more love you have to share. Believe it! You can do it too. Namaste.

Rob Dorgan

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