A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

End Dreadful Dating Forever

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Fotolia_46852714_Subscription_Monthly_MDating! Who actually enjoys it? No one is probably the honest answer. No matter how young or old you are; or how new to it or long you’ve been at it, dating is no fun.

The unfortunate part of it all is that it’s absolutely necessary. It’s actually down right good for us. It helps us to get to know ourselves better, grow and expand in the ability to be more comfortable presenting ourselves to the world (hopefully your true self), and also get clearer about the things that we do and do not want in our lives.

Good for us or not, most singles don’t like doing it and those in committed relationships are too quick to offer that they are so glad they don’t have to do it any more. What is it about the dating process that is so undesirable?

I believe that one of the first things is that people forget that it’s a process. It’s not meant to be hard or easy. It’s not meant to be successful every time. We become incredibly attached to the outcome, and we often attach some sense of self worth or value to the experiences. I always advise clients to treat dating like a job interview. You may be totally capable, beyond qualified to “fill the position” but it doesn’t mean you are the right fit. This truly isn’t personal. What it does mean is that there is something even better and more worthy of all you have to offer and bring to the table still out there.

Second, dating can be an excellent way for you to practice really “showing yourself.” This person doesn’t really know you that well. If the date goes horribly wrong for some reason, you’ll probably never see them again and it’ll have virtually no impact on your life. So flaunt your stuff! Have you always felt like you had to wear floor length skirts and conservative tops, but there’s a hot momma dying to get out? Then go for it on a date. Do you often silence your opinions and ideas for fear that someone won’t agree with you and get upset? Practice dropping original thoughts and perspectives into the conversation on a date. You don’t have to go “balls-to-the-wall” with these new aspects of yourself. Just a little, as much as you are comfortable, until you get more comfortable with more. Don’t worry that your date will get the wrong impression of you or reject you because you let your real self come through. If this person was truly right for you, they’ll love the hints of the true you which you are willing to share. Part of why some of us dislike dating is because it feels like we have to put on a show, or hide parts of our self. News flash…you don’t

There are tons of dating tips and advice that I could dole out, but I think one of the last suggestions for taking the dread out of dating might be to remember to not play games. So many people get turned off to the idea of dating because they think everyone is playing games. Simply put…you attract what you put out there. So if you are fearing that people are being dishonest with you or playing games with you, bingo, that’s what you’ll get. If you yourself are worried about seeming to easy, or too available, or too interested and are contriving your responses, behaviors, or emotions to try and fit some old adage about dating “rules”; you will encounter others that are “playing the game” right back. Like it or not, this is universal truth. Instead, remember that you can’t screw up ending up with “the one”. If you are meant to be with someone, letting your feelings be expressed or showing the real level of interest that you have won’t mess things up. If you come on strong and authentic and revealing, and dude or dudette is turned off and runs the other way, GOOD! This just saved you both a lot of time and effort figuring out if you are compatible. Do you really want to date or end up in a relationship with someone who you have to constantly be monitoring your emotions and reactions with? My guess is no.

Dating, like everything else in our lives, is just yet another human experience we chose to have. Yes, you chose to have it. There is much to learn and help us grow from meeting these new people.

Sometimes there might not be a love connection, but perhaps a new friend. Or, they may turn you on to a new activity or organization that you really enjoy. Sometimes they show you all that you really do want, and sometimes solidify the things you don’t.

Treat dating as an experience that is meant to help you grow, and release the drudgery of dating.

Be Fearless- The Holidays Cometh

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Fotolia_47522910_Subscription_Monthly_MIn the Northern Hemisphere we have entered the time when the light is dwindling and the night is getting longer. Many of us feel a pull to hibernate or cocoon. We are moving a little slower and our focus is drawn inside as we spend more time indoors. The overall tendency is to pull inward. We feel this contraction because it is the natural cycle of our year and it mirrors the natural cycle of the Human life.

And then there are the Holidays! What ever Holidays you celebrate, we are called to be more social at parties, bring family together for good or for bad, shop if you participate in gift giving, and maintain the rhythm of our normal daily life as well.

There are some people who just LOVE the Holiday season. Enjoy! And then there is the rest of the world. I have pondered this for many, many years and wondered why a sense of dread falls on many of us instead of experiencing the joy and fellowship that this time of the year is said to represent.

Well…. there are a lot of expectations, spoken and unspoken. For many it means spending beyond their means, spending time with people they do not find uplifting and running themselves into exhaustion. And each year many of us just grit our teeth and endure it. We hold our breath until it’s over and hope that it won’t come so fast the next time.

Lately, I have been bombarded by the concept of fearlessness in my yoga studies. I think it applies here as we approach the Holidays. Again, if you love the Season and are full of Joy in all its traditions, be grateful. For those who are less than joyful about the coming Season be Fearless.

Ask yourself why you continue traditions that no longer serve you? Is it out of guilt or fear? Are you worried about approval and acceptance from people in your life?

It is one thing to be able to do something for someone because it makes them happy and you are neutral about doing it or better yet enjoy it. It is another thing to continue to do something that tears you down or effects your soul negatively.

Our journey is about taking care of the Self. You have to be healthy and happy to be able to give anything to someone else, especially LOVE.

There are a couple ways to approach being fearless at this time of the year.

You can go through the season as usual but change your perspective. Look at all the people and situations as an opportunity to grow and expand. Be in yourself with open awareness and compassion. You might find that the annoying relatives are not quite as annoying.

Or if enough is enough, start to change the traditions and start new ones. The first year of this approach is the hardest. But you might find some of the people in your life will be grateful that you spoke up.

 If the Gift giving is a financial burden on you, let people know. Reconnect with the true meaning of the Season— and enjoy time together.

My partner and I live in a house that’s been in my family for about 110 years. My brothers have spent every Christmas Eve of their lives here. After my mom passed, it was not easy for me to continue the exact same traditions. I tried the first year and it was too painful. So we agreed to shift it. We don’t do a sit down dinner or exchange gifts. Instead we do heavy appetizers and have included a few friends of the family. The Energy is Shifted. My mom’s presence is still there (especially through her eggnog) but we have made this new tradition work for us. We have joy and no pain.

As a result, my brothers and I stopped giving gifts and started planning a dinner out in February. We extended our time together by planning another event and the cost of dinner is much cheaper and less stressful than buying gifts. Our time together has become the gift we give and the whole process is more meaningful.

For some it might be that you have to separate from your family and traditions altogether if they are tearing you down rather than building you up. In this case, fearlessness is going with what your Soul needs. We must fan the flames of our divinity because ultimately that is what sustains us.

I came across this quote from Brother Priyananda of the Self Realization Fellowship founded by Paramahansa Yogananda (author of Autobiography of a Yogi) that helps me focus on my journey to fearlessness.

 “Fear is of the ego. Fearlessness is of the soul. When we give in to fear and worry we are subject to moods, negativity and self-centeredness. We are trapped in our own fearful thoughts and reactions- subject to maya or delusion. Our soul is not able to express its true divine nature, remaining behind the prison bars of the ego.”

So be fearless and begin to create traditions that fill you with Joy and Happiness. Fear is our ego worried about approval and acceptance— fearlessness is about being true to who you are and what your soul needs to thrive.

You can be kind and fearless at the same time. Approach this season from your authentic Self. You will find a sense of relaxation in knowing, that no matter what, you are where you need to be and have what you need to be fully present in the moment. With that knowledge —- Relax.

Who’s Holiday?

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Fotolia_46730219_Subscription_XXLIt is “Starting to Look a Lot Like Christmas,”…or Hanukkah…or Kwanzaa…or…” for much of Western Civilization. That can mean a rise in the level of joy and happiness, and it can also mean a rise in the level of anxiety. So let’s see if we can diffuse a few of those thoughts in advance of them catching you off guard.

There are so many other cultures/celebrations. Who is right?

If you look back as to how each culture got to where it is today, how they evolved, it is easy to understand how rich the variety of human nature is in expressing itself with celebrations at specific times of the year. We only get into trouble when one group thinks they got it more “right” than the other groups. So be at peace with cultures that are different than yours. We all celebrate love of our families and are grateful for what we have. The fact that there are so many different ways to celebrate just confirms that it is truly part of human nature to do so.

Will I have enough money to buy presents for everyone?

There are SO MANY ways to express how much you appreciate your family and friends. That is really what you are doing with holiday gifts. Think back to what you got as a gift last holiday. Most of us can’t even remember. What we DO remember are those special gifts that someone made for us. It could be food or a craft item or a poem. Those are the gifts we actually remember because they touch us at a deeper level, so get creative in your gift giving and relax about the money.

Here is something to think about in giving gifts to your children. The one Christmas that stands out from my childhood was the one that was the most fun for my father. He had found a bunch of battery operated toys at the local hardware store. I don’t believe they were expensive at all, but it was the 1950’s so they were new and exciting. During the days before Christmas, our dad took every friend that dropped by our house out his car so that he could share his delight at his purchases hiding in the trunk. The joy he shared was as important as the gifts themselves. We could see from the window that there was something magical about our gifts.

The magic carried into Christmas morning when we were finally able to open those treasures. Keep in mind that the kids are watching YOU as they open their gifts. If you are excited, they will be too. They pick up on your emotional reaction to the gifts you give them.

I don’t have a “love” to share the holiday with.

None of us, no one, not anyone is really alone. There are so many level’s of “love”, and personal love often isn’t a joyous as it looks from the outside. So reach out for a level of connection that is available to you, to everyone. Love after all does come in degrees.

The upside of the expansion of the Internet generally and social media specifically provides opportunities for many, many people to connect on SOME level that they didn’t use to have available to them. I like to play games on the Internet and connect with people all over the world as if they were sitting right across the table from me…well its not QUITE the same as being in the same room, but I still feel the connection. What ever you are interested in, there is a group or person available to you on the Internet.

There are many clubs and groups and places of worship that offer gathering places too. It just isn’t possible that all humans will match up with a partner exactly at the same time…just not possible. So if your present condition isn’t what you consider ideal, don’t let your attitude about it hold you back from opening to a new, perhaps less intense but still valuable connection.

Mid winter celebrations have been held by all cultures for centuries. A time to gather together, take a rest from our toils, and say “Thank You” for what we have. If you start to feel anxious during these holidays, try to touch into that ancient feeling. Find a new way to connect that you hadn’t thought of before. We truly are a global family and you are a member.

We are all lucky that we have each other…and that is worth celebrating!

Everyday Thanksgiving: Create Habits of daily gratitude

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Everyday Thanksgiving

“When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” Anthony Robbins

It’s that time of year again when we all start thinking of what we are grateful for. Since I was very young I have practiced waking up and falling asleep at night with a ‘thank you’ to LIFE (Spirit, Source, God, Divine). Most of the time my list of gratitude’s is significantly long. However, there are times that I can only mutter, “Thank you for another day – YES! I’m breathing!” These simple acts help me to realize my connection to everything, they help me stay tuned in to more than what is happening around me.

When you are lost, how can you begin living in gratitude?

That’s a big question. Many of us allow our circumstances to block us from seeing the good in our lives. We become so absorbed in the “situation” that we can’t see the light. Sometimes we might have to look a little harder than others because we tend to focus on what we don’t have instead of what we do have.

Create a habit of choosing to see things from a new perspective.

Developing daily habits of gratitude soon becomes our natural state of mind and raises our vibration, which opens our life up to more possibilities. Grateful people are happier people.

Action step 1: For one week, when you wake up in the morning, before you even put your feet on the ground, thank the Universe/God/Spirit/Source (whatever it is for you) and Mother Earth for the breath you take and another day to be here. Close your eyes and send joyful BLISSINGS to yourself, everyone and everything on the planet.

Action step 2: Practice living in gratitude by seeing what’s good, by paying attention to what’s working in your life. With regular practice, gratitude will begin to flow easily and effortlessly through you. Get yourself a notebook, something just for you and create a gratitude journal.  At the top of each page, write the date.  Every night for a week, before going to bed, Count YOUR BLISSINGS by writing down at least 3 actions.

What action are you thankful for?

Example: I’m thankful my son was home to feed the dogs since my meeting ran late.

What thing are you thankful to have.

Example: I’m thankful for the coffee pot and coffee that helps me wake up in the morning!

Who are you thankful for?

Example: My mom, for not stopping at 5 children!

At the end of a week you’ll have over 21 examples of gratitude’s in your own life. Recognize the small things at first: the breath, even if it’s labored (ok, that’s not so small), a sunny day even when it’s cold, a warm coat even if it has holes, or food on the table even if it’s only rice.

Action step 3: Choose a different letter of the alphabet and record everything you are grateful for that begins with that letter. Begin with the letter A.

OR write each letter on a piece of paper, fold it up and place it in a special bowl or sacred cup. Each day, reach in and grab a letter; again, write down everything you are grateful for that begins with that letter.

Focusing on gratitude takes your attention off of the lack or negativity in your life and puts the focus on what’s working, what’s positive and joyful.

 Remember, what we focus on multiplies, thus gratitude raises our vibration to our own place of joy.

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