A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Speak From The Heart

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Speak from the heart

The words we speak, including to ourselves, reveal a lot about us and directly contribute to our own level of happiness. That means our attitudes, beliefs, feelings, and expectations are directly affected by our own words and how we say them

“Expressing words through our heart is an illustration of our soul voice.” Natalie Hennessy

Our words not only communicate what we want others to hear, they have the power to influence and impact the people in our lives. We can use our words to encourage and motivate, just as easily as we can use them to weaken or defeat.

In the Five Mindfulness Teachings world famous Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope.” When we speak from the heart, we show that we care about ourselves and the person we are in direct dialogue with.

How do we begin speaking and thinking from the heart?

Choose to speak with love. Making a conscious choice to speak with love, including to ourselves, takes patience and practice. Like a stone begin tossed in a pond, once we begin, the ripples are endless.

Action step 1: Begin with yourself! What does your internal dialogue look like? Often we say things like, “I’m not good enough” or “That was a really stupid thing for me to do”. Recognize what you are saying to yourself and how you say it. Choose to use positive internal dialogue and look at the world that way, too.

Think about and write two positive statements about yourself that you are willing to affirm and act on every day. You are replacing a negative thought you may have had about yourself with a positive one. Your mind can just as easily recognize positives; you may not believe it at first, however, think it often enough and you will believe it and become it! Create your own feel good affirmations.

Action step 2: Practice speaking, with love. Dr. Rick Shaffer, creator of “Extreme Thought Makeover says, “Speak to no one of what displeases you, not even yourself” When in a conversation (including a conversation with yourself) envision every word as if it were coming right through your heart center, gently flowing off the tip of your tongue. See the person you are engaging with through eyes of compassion and kindness. Notice the difference from past conversations and any new patterns that emerge. Write them down. (The written word is so powerful and permanent.)

Action step 3: Complement more than complain. Pay attention to what you say to people. Do you tell your wife/husband/partner what a great job she/he did on dinner? Or your children how much you love being with them after school; how much their mere presence makes you smile? Or your husband/wife/partner how much you appreciate his/her efforts of taking such good care of the family?

Wayne Dyer says, “Change your thoughts, and change your life”. Change your words, change your life and enhance the lives of everyone on your path.

 

Before You Gossip, Remember

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Banner for SSRCBefore you gossip, remember how it feels to be talked about behind your back. 

One day a man came to my door canvassing for a local politician who was running for state assembly. He spoke for a few minutes about the candidate’s qualifications and handed me a flyer. He asked if he could tell his candidate that he had my vote. I told him I wanted to investigate the man further, to do my own research, so I can make the most informed decision. He then began to bad mouth his candidate’s opponent. At that point I politely but firmly said, “Thank you for stopping by but I believe one of the most important things we must all work toward, whether it is in politics or in everyday life, is to deal with our differences by striving to reach common ground and behaving in courteous and respectful ways rather than stooping to tearing one another down.”

One of the best decisions I made is not to gossip or listen when people want to gossip about others. Many years ago I hurt someone deeply. Seeing the damage gossip did was a painful and rewarding lesson. I was so devastated that my selfish and unconscious actions hurt another person I promised myself I would not gossip about anyone again. So far I have kept my promise by catching myself should I be tempted to heartlessly go down that road. And, I politely walk away when other people want me to participate in gossiping about others.

Gossip is not the harmless pastime we often think it is. Gossip wounds hearts, destroys reputations and offers nothing positive to relationships. Most especially to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we think it is okay to spread negativity and rumor about others (friends, acquaintances, neighbors, actors, politicians, etc.) what are we saying about the value we place on ourselves?

We are doing ourselves and our society a great disservice by allowing trash-talking as normal with the egocentric rationalizations that everyone is doing it or this is just the way things are done. It does not feel good to be on the receiving end or to listen to it. Honestly, is condoning this behavior as normal the legacy we want to leave for our children? Not if we want them to live in a better world than we are. We are the ones who must stop tearing those apart who we disagree with or who we want to beat at something. We are strongest as individuals and as societies when we support one another in striving to be people of the best character possible – respectful, courteous, honest, supportive, cooperative, responsible, etc.

Imagine how the world will change for the better when we join together to actually treat others as we want to be treated. Imagine how much better we will feel about ourselves and others. Imagine how we will all begin to heal when we take the negative put-downs, tear-downs, and trash-talk out of our conversations because we know how it feels to be talked about behind our back.

Join the Live Discussion with Regina on Sundays:

Regina Sundays

It’s OK To Get Angry… But

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Regina BannerIt’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

It’s okay to get angry and frustrated at times, but it’s not okay to make these a lifestyle.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty-two years. I spent over two decades harming myself rather than having the courage to express what I was so desperately keeping bottled up inside me. After a back surgery that left me with a limp, I ate without awareness or responsibility, and gained over 60 pounds. Again I was attempting to stuff my pain with abusing myself. So frustrated with my confusing childhood, I spent without responsibility, trying to put on a good show for the outside world that I was okay and happy. Inside I was miserable. I lived in fear of never being able to pay off the debt.

Beneath the self-abuse was anger. So many years of not being able to express myself, not setting boundaries, feeling resentful and blaming others for my screwed up life, left me with huge holes in my heart. Anger quickly moved in and took up residence. Anger became my lifestyle.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re told too often that being angry is bad and we should just move on. When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected and my emotions discounted. I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and deny what I felt. But, if we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward or outward.

Expressing anger by harming ourselves or others is actually being out of control. We get angry when we feel powerless. We feel frustrated not being able to control or change other people. We feel disappointed when someone betrays our trust, or gossips about us, or does not do what we think they should do when we think they should do it. Anger stems from feeling disapproved of, cornered or bullied. Anger arises when we feel cheated out of something we feel entitled to. We get upset when we do not feel others hear us, or speak to us with disdain, and when we feel unseen. Anger is a gut reaction to ineffective communication, not feeling understood, feeling taken advantage of, being abused, and not being able to express ourselves.

No matter how smooth and fulfilling your life is there will be times when you get angry. You are going to get frustrated, disappointed, be inconvenienced or experience pain as a result of other people’s behavior. It is healthy to acknowledge your upset, frustration, and disappointment. It is never healthy to take your anger out on others in the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. That is never love and is not appropriate no matter what excuses you come up with, no matter how much you try to place blame on your spouse, child, pet, mother, etc.

Yes, other people’s behavior can be frustrating. And yes, it is okay to get angry but find healthy ways (run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow) to release your anger so anger does not become a lifestyle.

Join the Live Discussion with Regina!

Regina Sundays

Give Your Love A Green Light

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_Fav_0270[1]“As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I’m enjoying the heck out of getting older.  I enjoy it because life is getting simpler for me. I have gotten used to how my mind works.  I accept the fact that I am practical and introspective. I know which foods agree with my system and which don’t.  I know what clothes look best on me for my body type.  I accept that I am a workhorse.  I can identify how other people’s energy impacts me. I am happier when I accept others as they are. And, being uncomfortable by stretching my boundaries to express myself, embracing new things and considering new ideas don’t equal death anymore.

In other words, as a result of getting older, I feel as if I am a bit wiser.

As a result of becoming wiser, I am also becoming more and more foolish when it comes to the idea of love.  I am more open about letting my love flow. I cry at weddings.  I dance when someone hits the big jackpot on a game show. I cheer when someone explodes with happiness for whatever reason.

I love love.  I love the idea of love.  I love expressions of love.  I love writing about love.  I love exploring ways that we can receive more and more love.  I can tell by their actions and demeanor when people feel loved.

Ever since I was a little girl I have believed that love is our essence.  Because I believe that our essence is love, to show love, to express kindness, to be open, and laugh and play is our natural state.  Just watch young children for a while and you will see plenty examples of it.

Recently I had a shift in perspective about love, and it hit me like a lightning bolt. It has to do with flow reversal.

I used to think that outward expressions of non-love where the ones that compromised me. For example, when I was little and someone would call me “fat” it hurt my feelings. To me, it meant that I wasn’t good enough, which meant that I was unlovable. It felt like something that was happening externally was bringing me down.

I have now come to realize that it’s actually the other way around. When someone called me fat, which qualified as a “non-preferred situation,” I shut off my innate feelings of love for and acceptance of that person.

In other words, I was blocking my own outward flow of love.  Basically it feels like I was actually saying, “I feel pain because of something you said to me, therefore I will withhold my love from you,” or “You just did something that blocks my flow of love to you,” which is different than, “You hurt my feelings and you don’t like me in the way I thought you did, therefore I am unlovable.” Flow reversal.

I realized that, if my essence is love, my hurt didn’t stem from what someone else did to ME, my pain actually came from cutting off MY OWN flow of love TO THEM. I see that when I tried to punish other people, I was actually only punishing myself. And THAT is what impacts my own state of health and well-being.

I have come to understand that when I keep the love flowing, I am healthier and happier. When I focus on that idea, I feel liberated. I feel more in control of my overall well-being, and able to positively influence my physical, emotional and spiritual health.

As a result of this new way of thinking, when I’m not feeling up to par, I scan to see from whom I am withholding love and why. Many times it ends up being that I am withholding love from myself because of some unrealistic expectations I have.

In other words, now that my perspective is, “Please don’t do anything that prevents me from loving you the way I want to,” all I have to do is check in to see who or what hurt my feelings, or if I am holding on to unrealistic expectations. I can ask myself (and keeping my inner child in mind), “What happened and why did I shut down?”

Once I express my sadness, disappointment, anger, or hurt with understanding and acknowledgment, I find that I am refortified and my love starts flowing again.

If you are willing to explore this flow reversal, ask yourself:

 “Where am I holding back my love, and why?”

“Where am I shrinking on the inside rather than blossoming?”

“Why am I grouchy right now?”

When you allow these questions to help you identify where you are blocked, release your emotions safely in order to give your love the green light to flow once again.

I invite you to reconnect with your deeper flow of loving others by loving yourself first. This is your secret. Allow yourself to be foolish! Check in to see where you are withholding love from yourself, and be willing to have a breakthrough. Ask yourself, “What happened?” and listen patiently, just as you would with a young child. View yourself with a kind word and gentle touch and invite in the healing.

It is time to restore your overall sense of well-being. You have a unique way of breathing fully. Laugh! Sing! Dance! Cry! They are cleansing and can help you reconnect with your optimism.

And, when you give your love a green light, you lift your vibration, boost your immune system and reconnect with your unique ability to shine.

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