A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

When What You’ve Lost Is More Than You Can Bear

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Couple Holding HandsI’ve been doing my best to get out and walk every evening.  Jack & I use to do that all that time.  We’d walk around our neighborhood, holding hands, and we were the cute couple.  It breaks my heart to not have my hand in his.  But I keep moving… because I know it’s what I need to do for me.

When you find yourself without what use to be your life it really is more than anyone should have to bear.  I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a child or a career.  When something means so much to you that it hurts to be without it it’s hard to even think about going on… but we do.

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since Jack died.  He looked at me and commented about all of the stress being gone from my face.  And it is in that I am not longer on an endless heighten alert for fear Jack would fall or not be able to keep his food down.  Gone is the stress about what would happen to me without him.  It’s painful to be without him but I’m still able to function and care for myself.  Because that’s what I do.

Grief and the pain of major life challenges are somethings we all will go through whether we want to or not.  And some events are more horrific than others but… as they say… this is life.

You may not have experienced any of this yet.. but when you do I hope you’ll remember this.  You will get through it… and yes it will tear at your soul and break your heart… but you will heal.  It takes time.  And you’re still living so you have that on your side.  Allow it all to be as it is then allow yourself to find peace. Because you will.

With love, Cheryl

The Slolution

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Young woman in dress looking out the windowI have no idea what ever possessed me to type “Slolution.”  It’s obviously not a real word but something called me to write it.  Even though I don’t know why I wrote it I do know exactly what it means.

The simple definition for “Slolution” is….  Slow Solutions.  The act of figuring out what is next in your life without the stress of having to know the answer right now.   In the past I would have moved very quickly to figure out a solution.  It may have not been the best in the end but I took action!  Unfortunately those moving too fast decisions weren’t always the best… or the lasting ones.

Lately my need for instant results or gratification is gone.  When we go through the worst life has to offer we really don’t care much about the stuff we use to obsess over.  For me if there needed to be an answer I was going to find it and find it fast.  Now it’s more along the lines of … “If it happens, it happens.”  It’s not that I don’t care I just have a very different perspective since Jack died.

The “slolution” for me means that I don’t have to be in charge and I don’t have to think it’s my responsibility to control an outcome.    I don’t have all the answers for life’s questions.  They’ll come in time… slowly… and they will solve my problems if I let them.

If we just give up the need to control the outcome and allow the solution to come to us in its own good time we’ll know when it’s right.  But in the meantime we can forget the churn of trying to know it all and know it all now.

That for me is worth more than having the answer now. I’ve had enough stress in my life… Haven’t you?  Are you willing to take it slow (er?)  Join me!

With love, Cheryl

Are You Dressed For The Weather?

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beautiful girl freezing in winter parkDuring my morning mediation I read something that will inspire me to start the day. Lately, I have been reading a page or so of Thich Nhat Hanh’s writings. Two days in a row, I read a quote that stirred me, “Everyday we touch what is wrong, and as a result we become less and less healthy. That is why we have to practice touching what is not wrong—inside us and around us.”

I realized that just a few years ago I started every day with looking at what had to be done and worrying about how I was going to do it. “There isn’t enough time” “I don’t want to do these things”  “I wish I had more down time or time for myself.”

Today I thought, how did I get out of bed with all that negative chatter and intensity. I realize my meditation and morning centering— somehow filling myself with something positive— is making a difference on how I look at my day and my life.

It is the difference between being dressed for the weather and not. Going out in the morning on a brisk day in just your t-shirt and shivering or going out with a warm sweater and scarf. With  just the t-shirt you worry about hypothermia or fixate on the  constant thought of “I am cold”. With the sweater and scarf, you can take a deep breath and enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face.

For years I was going outside everyday in a t- shirt or less. I felt so vulnerable and many times during the day I was shivering- metaphorically.  I was so fixed on what was wrong in my day and life that I forgot to acknowledge the Miracle of my own existence.

“Hey you” ( speaking to myself)— “your heart is beating, your eyes are open, your body is functioning, you are breathing and you can see all the wonderful colors of life.”

Maybe there is intensity in your life. Maybe there is a lot to do. But slow it down and decide for yourself what is really necessary  and what isn’t.  Is there some way you can simplify your life in just one small way today? All this worry and anxiety is affecting your life center —- your heart.

Give yourself a break.  For me  to give myself a break I started a daily meditation practice. It has helped me immensely. It is not solving my problems but it gives me the space to look at them differently and make healthier decisions for myself. It gives me a space to work through them.  If meditation is not a possibility for your mindset at this time, read something inspirational or sit down and write yourself a love note.

“Dear me, I really do like you. Actually I love you. We are in this together and I am glad. We make a great team. Let’s keep growing and evolving and staying open to all the possibilities there are in life. “

Surrounding yourself in some way with LOVE every day of your life, from you to you—works.
It takes some time for it to take hold. Be patient. But keeping doing it.

Hanh says, “ When we take one conscious breath, aware of our eyes, our heart, our liver…
we are transported to Paradise right away. Peace is available. We only have to touch it.”

Rob Dorgan/Steve Bolia

*Source: Thich Nhat Hanh Essential Writings.

Profoundly Human

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LonelinessFor the last 10 days I’ve been training for my job, far away from my home.  At some point I had to become gainfully employed to support myself.  I know it was the best thing for me to do.

I feel lucky that my instructors are fun, kind and compassionate people.  They’ve made this trip more bearable because being away from home is just not what I wanted or needed so shortly after Jack’s death.  But life goes on and sometimes we have to pull on our big girl (or boy) pants and go on with it.

Being in a hotel room has amplified my sadness.  I can’t pick up the phone or Skype with Jack about my day, laugh about teaching an old dog new tricks or even complain about the heat.  We use to talk about everything and like any long-married couple we understood each other. But I can’t talk to him… and my loneliness is heartbreaking even to me.  So I cry.

The truth is that I am OK with my tears, with my sadness and even with being alone.  I had a wonderful marriage to the love of my life.  I was blessed and am blessed for having Jack in my life for 36 years.  What I am experiencing now is, well, just part of life.   And isn’t that why we are here in the first place?  To have this physical experience?  There was never a promise that this life would be all roses and sunshine anymore that it would be all doom and gloom.

I need to glean every bit of experience that I can in this lifetime and my pain is part of that.  I don’t have to like it but somehow I’m going to figure out how to appreciate it.  At some point I’ll be grateful for all of it… the tears, the sadness, and the loneliness… even if at the moment I cuss the seemingly unfairness of it.

As I sit here, alone,  at this moment my promise to myself is that I won’t stop living because I’ve loved and lost.  I will live because I was blessed to have Jack in my life and to witness the courage of his life.   I will live because that is what I came here to do. I will be happy again because I know that is the choice I will make for me.  All of this makes me profoundly human.  And I’m OK with that too.

As always, Cheryl

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