I have always tried to be strong… but I’m not. Somethings in life are just inconceivable even when you realize they are staring you down. When we experience the things that cut us off at the knees its hard to think straight let alone be strong. At one point as Jack’s life was winding down I lay crying in bed and for the first time he said to me in his weakened voice, “No more tears!” But I couldn’t stop crying…
When I thought I couldn’t cry any more… I’d cry again. In my heart though I knew Jack didn’t want me to mourn his death. He wanted me to move on with my life. He wanted me to cherish our good times and put the bad times and his dying behind me. As I sit here and write this I remember his courage in the face of death yet I’m still crying.
I miss him. I miss sitting in the living room, side by side, comfortable in our silence. I miss him starting his day off reading photography blogs because I knew whatever nugget he gleaned from them would be implemented in a photo. I miss him chopping up vegetables and us cooking together.
I don’t miss his suffering and I’d would never have wanted him to stay with me and suffer. And the end of his life was all suffering. I don’t want to remember the suffering. When I have a bad memory of the last few weeks of his life I stop myself and shift my thoughts to a better time. Reliving that pain serves no purpose for me… and now it is all about my life and moving on.
I know for me moving on doesn’t mean that I leave Jack or his memory behind. He remains embedded in my soul. I have to take what he has given me and use that strength to create what my life is to become. Some call it finding “new normal” but there is nothing “normal” about all this, yet.
My life isn’t over because my husband died. Instead a new life is beginning. My family has longevity which means I could live another 30+ years… almost as long as Jack & I were married. That’s a long time and I know I don’t want to stay in my sadness for the rest of my days.
We each get to decide what we want for whatever time we have left on this earth. We each get to take a step forward… or to pause and gain our strength. It is our choice to make. Whatever you choose to do… do it for you, for your happiness, for your own soul. Because at the moment that’s all you need to do.
With love, Cheryl
I just saw this today. You’re writing is so beautiful and heartfelt. I am so grateful to have you in my life and send you love and healing peace to you everyday. <3
Thank you dear friend. It is because of all this that you are in my life. Much love, Cheryl
I am sharing this article with so many people who have just gone through horrible losses. You are an amazing gift to us all.
Thanks Robbie!!!!
Cheryl, it amazes me how we are both at the same point on our own separate paths; you always seem to share the exact thoughts and feelings that I’m having at the very same moment. Tomorrow will be 8 months, and although I am coming back into the light with every passing day, there are still those times, those moments, that just sweep me back into the pain and darkness. With your help, and that of others, I am able to pull myself back up faster and better than I used to, so I am learning how to let those feelings come through me and not to me… Bless you Cheryl, I hope you realize how much help you really do provide for the rest of us!
Dennis Mann
Hi Dennis, We are walking the same journey but as you say on our on separate paths and I’m glad what I share touches you too. I know what you mean about being swept back into the darkness. I’m trying my best to not fight the pain but to feel it and then to release it… if only for a few moments. I don’t always succeed. But with you as an inspiration I know these feelings will ease up. Thank you for that Dennis… and you’re very welcome…
Thank you Cheryl – for sharing – just able to read a little – want to finish reading later. Barbara
Cheryl I know just how you are feeling , it is only when something like this happens in your life that you realise how many others are going through the same thing, my dear husband passed away in 2010 and yes I am going forward with my life but there are days when I miss him so! Sending you love from South Africa Sandra
Thank you so much Sandra! Grieving is universal… even though we all grieve in our own ways. I am sorry for the loss of your husband… I understand your pain so well and I am grateful that you reached out to help me. Much love frohttps://simplestepsrealchangemagazine.com/wp-admin/plugins.phpm Portland, Oregon, US!
Thank you Cheryl for sharing your pain and thoughts. My dear friend Robbie shared your loss with me. I lost my husband last month. The pain of loss is like none I’ve known. Your words are an inspiration to me in many ways as I wake each day to new challenges and small joys. May we face this new journey with hope, love, and much courage. Linda Carpenter-Reichelderfer
Oh Linda, I am so sorry for your loss too! It is so hard and I know exactly what you mean about it being a loss like no others. I’m glad that my sharing is helping you… your reaching out to me helps me to. Wishing you peace & moments of being ok. Great will come for both of us. Much love, Cheryl
Wise words, Cheryl. I am sorry I have not been reading lately, please know my heart goes out to you. I’ve followed you and Jack for quite some and love all of the positivity and change advice from you both. Hugs, prayers and wishes for strength and laughter from your fantastic memories to you.
Thanks Kelly and please no apologies needed! I appreciate all your kindness and prayers. And I’m so grateful that have been with us for so long… I am blessed by you!
Cheryl, I love you dear friend. I am holding a place in my heart for you. I can’t begin to imagine what your days are truly like. I do know the part of you that does everything with complete passion. This will help you heal and also walk through the fire feeling everything. I am grateful I got to know Jack way back when he was inspiring me right along with you when I was diagnosed with illness.
Sending you strength, compassion and so much love,
Cindy Hively
Thank you dear friend. Jack continues to inspire me every day. And yes I will heal in spite of and because of this fire. You are so right. Blessings Cindy and so much love!