A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

5 Steps to Compassionate Self-Care

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Fotolia_53814602_Subscription_XXLFresh from a relaxing bath I marvel at my healthy form and feel thankful for learning how to appreciate and lovingly care for my body. I love my Shann-ness: curvaceous, flexible and strong.

I haven’t always felt this way. Years ago I had very little body-mind awareness. The disconnect had to do with overindulging in my former high-stress career, mind numbing drama, rich restaurant food, and partying like a rock star on the weekends. Thankfully, motherhood, Martial Arts and Yoga helped me walk away from a soul sucking career and bloated lifestyle which no longer suited me.

While lost in my career aspirations, I morphed into the predominately male culture in which I was immersed. I played golf, drank the finest wine and on occasion enjoyed smoking expensive cigars. I could be arrogant, impatient and totally closed off to myself.

At that time in my life, I was physically and spiritually inactive with the exception of an occasional visit to church on Sunday and weekend warrior activities. Escalating body weight and over-the-top Migraine headaches finally got my attention. I was anxious, depressed and out of touch with the body I’d kicked to the curb. My priority became letting go of what no longer served me so I could consciously create a new way of living. I was in desperate need of compassionate self-care. Can you relate?

A friend recommended yoga as a healthy activity to lower my stress levels and get in touch with my body again. Practicing yoga dramatically began to improve my life. In the years I have been interested in, studying and currently teaching yoga playshops; I have reinvented myself and learned to honor my mind, body and soul.

My personal recipe for compassionate self-care includes creating a sacred environment, honoring your body, practicing yoga, positive self-talk and getting unplugged.

Sacred Environment

Compassionate self-care includes surrounding yourself with a clean and beautiful environment. My walls are adorned with a collection of original artwork and landscape photographs. I keep a beautiful feminine alter showcasing love notes, flowers, images of my daughter and special treasures. My space is spiritual, colorful and exotic.

Aromatherapy is also part of my sacred life. I regularly spray lavender in the room for a calming effect or lemongrass when I want to wake up my senses. Smudging and burning my favorite Japanese incense is perfect for meditation, prayer, energy clearing and quieting my mind.

Honor Your Body

The benefits of massage therapy include lowering stress, deep relaxation, and improved circulation. I honor my body with regular hot stone body work. Part of my self-care routine also includes enjoying a soak in the tub several times each week. I love the calming energy of a hot bath with Epsom salts and lavender. I recommend creating a divine space complete with candles, incense, soothing music or a good book to read. Honoring my body also includes eating whole foods, raw foods and being conscious of how I nourish my body.

Practice Yoga

Yoga means union. Nurturing your body, mind and soul with a regular yoga practice can help you get in touch with who you are on a deeper level. I’ve learned to be gentle with myself through restorative poses. Tuning into my breath and how I feel while moving my body is a gift. Practicing yoga improves my body consciousness and helps me remain flexible and peaceful. I delight in leading yoga playshops for women in desperate need of soulful, relaxing retreat time.

Positive Self-Talk

Positive self talk is one of my favorite weapons to combat disempowering mental commentary. On occasion my mind can be an unruly playground filled with bullies, tattle tales and mean girls. When I am feeling battered by the schoolyard bully, positive self-talk is my magic weapon. I am no longer willing to live in the shame pit created by the harsh judgement of my inner critic. When feeling emotionally drained or insecure, I practice an internal dialogue like: “I approve of myself” or “All is well, I am safe.” Compassionate self-talk improves your self-confidence. Witnessing your internal dialogue will help you learn to practice nonviolent communication.

Get Unplugged

It is essential to regularly get unplugged from your highly connected virtual environment. I create an oasis of time each day to get out into the natural world. My mental clarity improves when I commit to hiking along a woodland trail or walking on the shores of Lake Michigan. When I’m freaking out about having too much on my plate, I make it a priority to step away from this self-imposed madness to soak up the sweetness of the day.

Not too long ago my soul was crying out for my attention. I’m so glad I listened. Compassionate self-care is a special gift that will improve your quality of life and well being.

Questions:

1. How do you practice compassionate self-care?

2. Is something in your life stifling your spirit? If so, what will you do to address it and honor yourself?

3. What does your self-talk sound like? When your inner critic tries to run the show how will you respond?

Magic Happens When Women Circle Up

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fotolia_8044338_Subscription_LA little over two years ago I began my first conscious journey around the sacred wheel of the 13 Grandmothers. My experience in this wise woman’s circle has rocked my world, healed my heart and truly changed my life in countless ways.

This weekend I will walk through the gateway of initiation as a member of the Changing Woman Sisterhood. I’ve have deep respect for the women in our circle. I have learned so much from each of them. We’ve laughed, cried, freaked out and even felt like we were going crazy at times. Together, we lost our way and found ourselves again. We have witnessed the joy and sadness of this earth walk for each other. During our initiation ceremony we will spiral back to the beginning of the wheel, circle inward and consciously come back home to ourselves.

When women come together and share from the heart:

  • We learn to let down our masks.
  • We learn that we each have permission to relax into who we are in the moment.
  • We can be vulnerable or strong.
  • We can participate or pass.
  • We learn that we have a choice.
  • We learn that we are not responsible for what other people think
  • We don’t have to accept or respond to others’ projections.
  • We learn to simply show up.

I’ve witnessed warrior women become soft and watched quiet women find their voice and learn to stand their ground. We practiced resonance and grounding techniques. We faced our shadows. We stepped into the responsibility of healing our lineage and in doing so, healed 7 generations of the women who came before us and the next 7 generations to come.

Powerful. Profound. Healing.

Throughout this journey, the grandmother’s gave me countless gifts and heavy blows to my ego. We walked through the forest on sacred ground and contemplated what we most needed it heal. During our first healing weekend we worked as a team preparing food, shared stories, drummed, sang and receiving powerful healing in the sweat lodge that we built together.

For this coming weekend I’ve been asked to identify what I am ready to let go of to make space for the woman I will become. I plan to let go of my inner tyrant’s hold on me along with the insecurity that often comes from harsh self-judgement and the “Who am I to be/do/say”? questions that come up on occasion. I will fill the space by opening myself to receive grace, compassion and self-love for the rest of the days of my life. I will practice remembering that I am worthy of all that I desire in this lifetime.

I’ve learned so much in these last two years. I’ve grown as a woman and feel I’ve crossed the threshold into adulthood. I’m really clear about what I’m responsible for. I’ve learned to ask for help, to lighten up and trust the process. ‘Trust and Surrender’ has been my personal mantra during this sacred journey. (Highly recommended for control freaks, perfectionists and high maintenance personalities)

One of the most powerful take aways over this period of time is the value of circling up with a community of women. The gift of learning how to set a safe container anchored in love which gave us the chance to receive our perfect knowing for that moment in time.

I am so thankful to come away with a rich tapestry of friendship, storytelling, healing, prayer, creativity, ruthless compassion and so much more.

I couldn’t have found a better teacher than the woman who facilitates our group. Lorraine is powerful, brilliant, flexible, funny and creative. She fills up a room with boundless energy, endless wisdom and a deep well of acceptance. She has taught me so much about community. She set and anchored a safe and sacred container for transparent stories, and deep healing. Thanks to Lorraine and my sisters, I have become a wheel dancer deepening into the present moment. This is my sacred life.

If you’ve been considering joining a wise women’s circle, I highly recommend that you do some research and find a group that resonates with you. Here’s some of what you can expect if you say yes to steeping into a community circle:

  • You’ll experience women you connect with immediately.
  • You’ll meet women who push your buttons.
  • You’ll meet women who remind you of people you’ve known before.
  • You’ll see yourself in the mirror of the group’s stories
  • You will meet your shadow, learn to shine your light and give her hug.
  • You’ll have a better understanding of why people behave the way they do.

Every woman brings value and teachings to her community. Every Transformation Goddess who says yes to dancing around the wheel is in for one hell of a ride.

What Price are You Paying for Your Unrealistic Expectations

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ShannMany of the new entrepreneurs drawn to my transformational coaching and consulting business have super high (and often unrealistic) expectations of themselves and others. Add a heaping spoonful of impatience and a dash of ‘got to have it my way’ and they often end up with a recipe for disaster. The result? Disappointment in themselves and others when they don’t experience their unrealistic, perfect outcome.

I get it. Mentally requiring myself and others to aim for the heavens is something I can relate with. Thankfully, after a lifetime of “this is not good enough” thinking, I’ve learned to replace my expectations with invitations, intentions and strive for excellence.

The definition of an expectation is: ‘A strong belief that something will happen in the future.’

The definition of an invitation is: ‘The action of inviting someone to go somewhere or do something’;(this someone can be yourself).

The combination of the two: “The action of inviting someone to go somewhere or do something that will take place in the future.”

The combination of these two definitions allow us to set our intention and invite someone else to support us in the pursuit of whatever it is we may be creating.

When the invitation is accepted. It’s important that we trust the person we are in partnership with (no control freaks allowed) to create and complete the project, with room for flexibility to solve problems and take care of unforeseen issues or obstacles.

When we set our expectation bar as high as the moon, our ego will bash, belittle or destroy anything it considers to be less than perfect. Unrealistic expectations can breed insecurity in ourselves and can lead to blaming others for not stepping up as we expected they should. Harsh judgement is a clear trajectory to an abyss of disappointment. Perfectionist’s and over-achievers often find themselves in this situation. It doesn’t have to be this way!

When we choose to replace our expectations with invitations, we can support our peers (and ourselves) to show up to the best of their ability. We agree to do our part to the best of our ability, enjoy the creative process and let the rest unfold as it will.

I often recommend using language that is less demanding and more open and kind. Here are a few examples:

Your Friends:

I invite you to be mindful, honest and respectful.

Your Employees:

I invite you to be present, focused and get the job done to the best of your ability.

Your Clients:

I invite you to show up and communicate clearly and honestly about your needs/wishes.

To Yourself:

I will practice being patient and celebrate small successes while I make incremental strides toward my intentions.

Snapping our fingers and demanding our every wish to manifest in perfection is silly. This makes me think of Veruca Salt’s character in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. There is a scene where Veruca climbs up on the golden egg scale and quality control labels her a bad egg and drops her into an incinerator. I can almost hear petulant Veruca saying: “Daddy, if I don’t get EXACTLY what I want, I’ll make your life a living hell.”

Admittedly, I love getting my own way. I like to win. I enjoy making things happen. NOW. I also love to work and play with brilliant people. Who doesn’t? My point here is we can all raise the bar higher when we invite ourselves and others to come along for the ride with clarity, creativity, flexibility and a positive attitude.

Replace your expectations with invitations and enjoy the creation process!

  • What would happen if you replaced your expectations with invitations?
  • How have you been burned by expecting yourself to be perfect?
  • Have you ever expected too much of yourself, your family, employees or co-workers? How did that work out for you?

The Art Of Tolerance

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fotolia_18012764_Subscription_LWhile camped out on the shores of Lake Michigan to write and relax, I became acutely aware of my environment. I wasn’t cradled by the sound of the waves crashing on the shoreline, or delighted about the warming sun on my body. I wasn’t basking in the pleasure of writing at the beach on a delightful spring day. I was triggered.

The art of tolerance escaped me. I was irritated with the chatty couple who decided to set up camp close to me, when they had miles of people-free shoreline. I became overstimulated by a barking dog in the distance; A gorgeous Golden Retriever having the time of her life playing fetch, hoping for one more swim to retrieve her tennis ball. My personal space was invaded. I judged the couple. I seethed about the barking dog and his clueless master. I found myself wondering, why me?  Why couldn’t I simply go to the beach and be left to write in peace?

The cosmic joke of this experience is that no matter how much I love my personal space and privacy, I am not alone on this planet. The roads will always have traffic. Dogs bark. People do, what people do. Yet I often expect others to honor my personal space, be mindful of  their actions and aware of their surroundings. The art of tolerance is a curriculum calling for my attention.  I still have much to learn about cultivating patience. Can you relate?

In hindsight I see that I had several options that day. I could have picked up my things and moved away from the cozy couple and happy dog. I could have noticed the distractions and let them go. I could have put my ear buds in and listened to Florence and The Machine or a guided relaxation. And… How much space do I really need? What might happen if I re-framed the trigger of a barking dog to something that emotes fun and playfulness?

I choose to become less reactive and will practice letting things slide. One thing is certain, walking on the path of patience and learning the art of tolerance will take a lot of practice. Thankfully I have the tools I need to exhale, learn from experience, and move forward with loving kindness.

I will always prefer silence and natural sound.  The crashing waves lull me to relax on the beach. The chatty couple and barking dog, not so much. No matter what kind of environment I prefer, the lifestyle I choose is one with community. Communities are not always quiet and relaxing. The real world is full of people, barking dogs, and blowing horns. Being alive is noisy.  So noted.

               I choose to be a student of the art of tolerance…

  • What triggers you?
  • How do you care for yourself when you are over-stimulated?
  • What do you do when you observe yourself judging others?

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