A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It Starts With You

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Treating others as you want to be treated does not mean waiting for them to go first. – Regina Cates

Regina BannerOne day I heard a woman screaming at someone on the street in front of my apartment. I went outside. She was upset because she thought that a van was too big and she could not get past it in her car. She was letting the driver have it saying he should not be driving down the street. I watched as he stopped the bus, got out and patiently directed her safely past.

As she went by I overheard her say, “You are so irresponsible I just can’t believe it.” And I heard him say, “Have a blessed day ma’am.”

I went downstairs in time to catch the driver before he got back into the van. I held up my hand and gave the man a big high-five.

“Have a blessed day sir,” I said as he briefly took my hand in his. “You too,” he said with a huge smile.

The fundamental principle of all world religions is to do unto others as you want others to do unto you. Here is the part our ego just can’t seem to come to grips with. We cannot control how other people behave. That means we do not have any control over anything or anyone but ourselves. If we allow our ego to lead, by waiting for other people to treat us with respect and courtesy before we extend respect and courtesy to them, we’ll wait forever. However, by not ego-boxing we don’t stoop to the same level of their negative behavior.

That is the enlightened action that keeps us peaceful and loving just like the bus driver. We choose to treat others as we want to be treated by volunteering to go first.

For more from Regina check out her podcast.  Click the image below.

Regina Sundays

Money Does Not Make You Rich, Character Does

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Regina Banner

I was standing at an intersection waiting to cross and noticed a young homeless man pushing a shopping basket filled with his belongings. He had a beautiful dog with him. Then I saw an older, well-dressed man approach the young man and his dog.

The man knelt down to pet the dog. The young man was beaming, the dog’s tail was wagging so fast I thought it would fly off, and the older gentleman was smiling from ear to ear. When he stood up I saw him hand the young man some money. They exchanged a hand shake and with one last pat on the dog’s head the man turned and walked away.

When I crossed the street I caught up to the gentleman and said, “That was a very cool thing to witness. Thank you so much for what you did.” He smiled. I smiled. For several days I had a wonderful feeling for having witnessed such a sweet and loving act.

It was obvious the well-dressed gentleman had money. Money alone did not make the man’s actions noteworthy. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

It takes a person of integrity to give the attention and kindness the man bestowed on the young man. Regardless how much money the older man has he is certainly rich in admirable character because of how he made the young man and his dog feel.

For more from Regina check out her podcasts.  Click the image below.

Regina Sundays

Agree or Agreeable?

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Regina BannerI do not believe it is possible for us to agree with everyone all of the time about everything. I do believe it is possible for us to stay agreeable people when disagreeing. – Regina Cates

One day at the gym I witnessed a full-blown ego-battle between two staff people. It began when I overheard the sales director arguing with someone on the phone. Suddenly he slammed the receiver down, hanging up on the caller. The person immediately called back to complain to the general manager.

Without regard to other employees or to the members of the gym, the general manager proceeded to scream at the sales director from across the room. He screamed back. Everyone in the gym overheard the bitter exchange that included steady streams of profanity from both sides.

One of my favorite quotes is that of Albert Einstein, “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” No matter how other people behave it is always our choice to fall victim to our impulsive ego’s demands to be defended, or to be proven right, or to get someone to fall in line. We also have the choice to take a deep breath, count to five and lead with our responsible heart to stay calm, open, and focused on remaining agreeable in the midst of a disagreement.

The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, stop and take a deep breath. The goal is not to angrily force them to see your side. Anger does not result in clear communication. Anger does not solve disagreements. Anger does not lead to staying agreeable to find a peaceful, mutual solution to our disagreements. Remember, anger blinds us to any other view but our own.

Challenge your energy into listening to their point of view. Really hear what they are saying. Possibly their view will make sense. And, maybe their position is purely emotion without rational or factual substance. If there is merit to their comments then you can work to find common ground. If not, by staying open to hear them you will have brought the higher level of awareness necessary. Being the one who stays agreeable to listen, allows you to walk away without the stress that comes from butting your head against the wall of another person’s ego. It does not mean you agree with their point of view. You have simply chosen to take the higher road by not engaging with anyone who thinks it is productive to be disagreeable when disagreeing.

For more from Regina check out her podcasts.  Click the image below.

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How Are You Treating Yourself Today?

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Banner for SSRCRegardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.

As a child and young adult I was molested by a male baby sitter and doctor. I suffered under religious and societal persecution. I was not a good student, or pretty, or self-assured and was told I was not smart enough, I was worthless, and that I would never amount to anything. People said and did lots of hurtful things to me. I was mistreated in harmful ways. Ridicule, bullying, and judgment made me angry.

When I expressed my anger I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected, unheard, and my emotions discounted. Often I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a young person I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and suppress what I felt. Not being able to express anger in healthy ways I turned that anger and frustration inward.

I developed many negative and self-destructive habits like smoking, drinking, and moving from relationship to relationship. I allowed myself to be mistreated and abused. I did not set boundaries, had no ability to stay true to myself, allowed people to use me as a doormat, and was co-dependent looking to other people for validation and self-worth. I spent without responsibility putting on a good show to for outside world that I was happy. There was a time I abused prescription drugs and alcohol. I did not care about the risks and thought dying would be the answer to my messed up life.

One day I was blessed with a huge self-loving realization. It was not possible for me to wave a magic wand and presto the sexual molestation was erased like it never happened. I had no power to fix or change other people or my past and how I was treated. So, why was I still allowing a horrible past to dictate how I was living in the present? Why was I still treating myself badly? Who was going to treat me in the loving, respectful, and supportive ways I wanted if I did not treat myself lovingly, respectfully, and supportive first?

To let go of my past I had to become focused on and responsible for my present. I had to get my act together by getting my behavior together. I had to let go of feeling deserving of abuse. Deep down I knew I was not now, and never had been, deserving of mistreatment. People do hurtful and stupid things. But that did not mean I had to keep the self-abuse alive.

As we enter 2015, let go of the idea hurting yourself will get back at those people who hurt you in the first place. One of the greatest acts of self-love is refusing to allow your past to define your present. Self-love begins in earnest when you accept that regardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.Regina Sundays

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