A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

End Dreadful Dating Forever

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Fotolia_46852714_Subscription_Monthly_MDating! Who actually enjoys it? No one is probably the honest answer. No matter how young or old you are; or how new to it or long you’ve been at it, dating is no fun.

The unfortunate part of it all is that it’s absolutely necessary. It’s actually down right good for us. It helps us to get to know ourselves better, grow and expand in the ability to be more comfortable presenting ourselves to the world (hopefully your true self), and also get clearer about the things that we do and do not want in our lives.

Good for us or not, most singles don’t like doing it and those in committed relationships are too quick to offer that they are so glad they don’t have to do it any more. What is it about the dating process that is so undesirable?

I believe that one of the first things is that people forget that it’s a process. It’s not meant to be hard or easy. It’s not meant to be successful every time. We become incredibly attached to the outcome, and we often attach some sense of self worth or value to the experiences. I always advise clients to treat dating like a job interview. You may be totally capable, beyond qualified to “fill the position” but it doesn’t mean you are the right fit. This truly isn’t personal. What it does mean is that there is something even better and more worthy of all you have to offer and bring to the table still out there.

Second, dating can be an excellent way for you to practice really “showing yourself.” This person doesn’t really know you that well. If the date goes horribly wrong for some reason, you’ll probably never see them again and it’ll have virtually no impact on your life. So flaunt your stuff! Have you always felt like you had to wear floor length skirts and conservative tops, but there’s a hot momma dying to get out? Then go for it on a date. Do you often silence your opinions and ideas for fear that someone won’t agree with you and get upset? Practice dropping original thoughts and perspectives into the conversation on a date. You don’t have to go “balls-to-the-wall” with these new aspects of yourself. Just a little, as much as you are comfortable, until you get more comfortable with more. Don’t worry that your date will get the wrong impression of you or reject you because you let your real self come through. If this person was truly right for you, they’ll love the hints of the true you which you are willing to share. Part of why some of us dislike dating is because it feels like we have to put on a show, or hide parts of our self. News flash…you don’t

There are tons of dating tips and advice that I could dole out, but I think one of the last suggestions for taking the dread out of dating might be to remember to not play games. So many people get turned off to the idea of dating because they think everyone is playing games. Simply put…you attract what you put out there. So if you are fearing that people are being dishonest with you or playing games with you, bingo, that’s what you’ll get. If you yourself are worried about seeming to easy, or too available, or too interested and are contriving your responses, behaviors, or emotions to try and fit some old adage about dating “rules”; you will encounter others that are “playing the game” right back. Like it or not, this is universal truth. Instead, remember that you can’t screw up ending up with “the one”. If you are meant to be with someone, letting your feelings be expressed or showing the real level of interest that you have won’t mess things up. If you come on strong and authentic and revealing, and dude or dudette is turned off and runs the other way, GOOD! This just saved you both a lot of time and effort figuring out if you are compatible. Do you really want to date or end up in a relationship with someone who you have to constantly be monitoring your emotions and reactions with? My guess is no.

Dating, like everything else in our lives, is just yet another human experience we chose to have. Yes, you chose to have it. There is much to learn and help us grow from meeting these new people.

Sometimes there might not be a love connection, but perhaps a new friend. Or, they may turn you on to a new activity or organization that you really enjoy. Sometimes they show you all that you really do want, and sometimes solidify the things you don’t.

Treat dating as an experience that is meant to help you grow, and release the drudgery of dating.

Thanksgiving Anew

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Fotolia_51963380_Subscription_Monthly_MIn the last year, my husband lost his last immediate family member. Most years, our Thanksgiving was spent with his parents or sister, and now they are all gone. For a moment, for this first year, that left an empty feeling in us about this holiday…usually so full of family sharing and catching up…and laughter…and good food.

We don’t have children so there is no connection there…and for many who do have children, they start to go off with their spouses families as time goes by…so that isn’t always an available connection that can be counted on.

At first I was sad as I have big emotional expectations for that particular day. It my childhood, it was always a very happy day with no punishment or arguing. It was good to process that not having immediate family to share it with was a real loss, a genuine grief. I started wracking my brain to think of ANYONE we could invite to spend Thanksgiving with us so I could fill my house with the smell of a roasting turkey. But there are some events that must be genuine and can’t be “recreated” with a new cast of characters. So, what to do.

My brother has been going to an in-law’s house for the last several years with a HUGE group of people we didn’t really know. That didn’t feel like something we wanted to do. Technically we are distant family, but that is not the same as being with people who you know, that you have spent years with.

Then it occurred to me that we could go to the local soup kitchen and serve food to the homeless. THAT felt awesome…genuine good feeling…not recreated feelings. I asked my husband and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! So the energy shifted. The sadness had to be processed to make way for a new light, a new joy. fotolia_23798303_Subscription_L

I think at this holiday time of year it is important to be honest with ourselves so we can move on to a new experience. If it makes you sad, then be honest with yourself about it, then let it go, and think of something NEW to do for this holiday that would make YOU feel good. The idea of serving people who needed a meal felt very, very good.

As it turns out, my brother is going to have Thanksgiving at his house this year, so we have a place to go after all. But even if we hadn’t had that offer, we were ready for a NEW Thanksgiving. Also I happened to see a cooking show about roasting just a turkey breast with gobs of herbed butter under the skin, so I plan to do that the day after Thanksgiving so we can have left over turkey…the BEST turkey!

The important thing about this special day is to be thankful for what ever we have in our lives. It may even be less that what we used to have, or more. But being in a state of gratitude, no matter where you have your meal, or with whom you have it, is really what this day is about…and it feels awesome. Enjoy!

Dating A Boy Of A Different Kind

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Fotolia_52949512_Subscription_XXLYou consider yourself part of the bohemian lifestyle, all things commercialized are a disgrace, and no “real” job should interfere with doing what you love and finding your purpose. He on the other hand, is suit by day and part of the whole mind-numbing rat race. He has the stylish apartment and the BMW; and yet, you met him in the organic food section at the supermarket. You started swamping recipes and realized you enjoy each other. He makes you laugh. You love cooking together or eating at ethnic restaurants, but a lot of things are off limits. You don’t like the same music, same places for weekend get-away’s, and you find his friends shallow. Can you overcome the differences even though you really, really enjoy him as a person?

Or, what if you are an attorney making your way to partner and he is the manager of a taco bell? You met him at a chic new martini bar and he was dressed to kill. You never would have guessed that he comes home smelling like grease every night. He has no ambition to leave or advance. He likes his little world. He definitely has a lot of mental and philosophical similarities, but he is a beer drinking mans-man and you don’t have a lot of similar interests. He gets discouraged when he can’t afford to do things for you or you want to do things that he can’t afford to do. Some things you just can’t relate to, but you love your time with him anyway.

Is this relationship doomed straight from the start, or is there a way to make it work?

I think it really depends on what the differences are and how important it is to you that they be the same. You are hopefully mature and secure enough to know that you don’t have to have the same interests. If he loves NASCAR and Budweiser, you don’t have to share that. Occasionally sacrificing a few hours on a Sunday just to watch part of the race with him is great but other than that, use that time to go to an art gallery or catch up with the girls. Do something you know he’s not totally into that you like. Conversely, do you see him making efforts to partake in the things that you enjoy that he could care less about? This give and take of small compromises is vital in a lasting relationship.

If the differences are of fundamental issues, like work ethic, priorities in life, or values…you would be best to take some time to examine how important they are to you, but chances are this isn’t going to work. Does he have a disgruntled relationship with his family and think it’s totally odd that you actually like to connect with yours regularly? This could be an issue, especially if he acts like a two-year old about your insistence that it is important to you that he attends your nephew’s baptism. Do you need growth and adventure as a regular part of your life? Where as he would rather stay spending his weekend in the lazy boy for the rest of his days? This is a needs and values difference. Don’t sacrifice what you believe, or need, for him. You’ll eventually come to resent it. Don’t try and convert him to your ideals either. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you.

Sometimes being open to the world, lifestyles, and viewpoints outside of our own is really enlightening, and fulfilling. Just because you’ve always gone for the retired college jock type, doesn’t mean your true partner won’t be a sensitive, open mic poet type. Anytime we restrict our options, or keep ourselves in a box we are probably not having the fullest experience we could be.

All this being said, you want to make sure the core beliefs are the same if nothing else. It is important to know that your relationship needs will be met, one way or another, in some form. Just as you shouldn’t restrict yourself in seeing what might be appealing and work, don’t limit your ability to get your needs met.

Sometimes you can have not enough in common. People can be too opposite. Opposites don’t always attract!

What’s Your Love Language?

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The other day I had a conversation with a client who mentioned that the woman he was dating didn’t really even know how to be a good friend, let alone a date. It got me thinking about the “5 Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman.

Chapman based his work on his own longtime relationship with his wife and over 30 years of counseling. He suggests that we fall into one of 5 areas when it comes to how we express emotional love saying, “Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.” (You can take a short quiz to find out yours at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

I shared with my friend that I thought many people today would benefit from taking a look at the 5 basic ways not just as a lover, but as a friend. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your friend took the time needed to recognize, or was present to, the particular way you liked to be treated, your own love language.

The five basic ways are:

  1. Words of Affirmation – Simply put, if this is your language you like to be told often how much someone loves you, why they love you. You like compliments and words of appreciation.
  2. Gifts – If this is your language you love to receive thoughtful gifts, gifts from the heart. They don’t have to be expensive, they simply need to express how much you were thought of, how much you are cared for.
  3. Acts of Service – You love it when your partner, spouse (or friend) pitches in to help with the dishes, takes the trash out or does your laundry. Anything he/she does to lighten your load is going to make you gaga for them over and over again.
  4. Quality Time – Nothing is more important to you than spending quality time with your friend/lover if this is your language. You look forward to turning the T.V. off, sitting with a cup of tea and sharing a few moments connecting deeply.
  5. Physical Touch – A person whose primary language is Physical Touch thrives on a gentle touch, a warm hug, a pat on the back, and holding hands. Whether it’s a friend or lover, what they crave is physical presence.

Each and every one of us has a particular way we like to be treated that may differ from our partner or friends. It might not be easy, at first, to speak your friend or lovers language, especially if it differs from yours. It makes sense to take the time to understand what sparks the people in your life so you can help them feel more loved. Isn’t that really what we are here for?

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