A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Change Begins by Accepting What Is

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Fotolia_45645673_Subscription_XXLAfter two months at a job selling advertising for a small, family-owned newspaper, I was fired. There was no warning. There was no indication my performance was less than acceptable. In fact, I had received praise for increasing ad revenue. It did not make sense that I was abruptly terminated. Regardless of how much I wanted to identify the reason, no one in the company returned my calls. I became angry and depressed. Without accepting the reality that sometimes things happen with no logical explanation, I was stuck, unable to move on. For the next few months I did little to find a new job. 

Many years ago I dated an alcoholic. I did not recognize the condition in the beginning, but over time it became clear as the incidents of intoxication began to add up. After each occurrence there was an apology, a request for forgiveness, and a promise it would not happen again. No matter how much I wanted the drinking to stop, it did not. No matter how much I prayed for follow-through on the promise to seek help, there was none.  I chose to believe what was promised, rather than accepting the repeated actions as proof of what was actually true. The result is that I stayed in the abusive relationship far too long.

A family I am acquainted with lost a child to a tragic accident. Before the accident, the father was a pillar of strength. He was also kind, compassionate and had a positive outlook on life. That changed. Over the next few years he sank deeper into depression, clinging to what he thought should, would or could have been. Blame was cast, lawsuits were filed and a focus on revenge erased the memories of his once joyful life. Without the ability to forgive and deal with the tragedy, he was not able to be thankful for the joy life still held for him. He died a frail and bitter man unable to move on.

How much precious time do we waste wanting other people or situations to be different from how they are? Positive change begins by honestly looking at how unreasonable it is to suffer under the false impression that we have the power to control or manipulate other people or the negative, frustrating, inconvenient or heartbreaking situations we encounter in life.

Maybe someone leaves us for another or just ends the relationship. We have two choices. We can be angry, dwelling on what we think should be, but isn’t. Or we can mend our heart by learning from the experience, feeling our sadness and picking ourselves up to move on. We choose to exchange a fantasy of the past and what “should be” for the opportunity to create a better “what is” reality in the present. This same formula works with whatever situations life throws at us.

Traffic jams and other delays are a frequent part of life. We do not receive the job we badly want and need. We realize we are in relationship with an abuser. We become conscious we are the one with a problem. The people and pets we love are sometimes taken away from us through illnesses or tragic accidents.

Relationships end. Our affection for another is not reciprocated. We slip and break an ankle. Our car is damaged by a hit-and-run driver. We lose our wallet or keys or our purse is stolen. Our luggage becomes lost or our flight is delayed or cancelled. We are diagnosed with cancer. Our parents become ill or their behavior radically changes. Someone is rude to us.

No amount of anger, yelling, worry or desire for revenge changes what is real in the moment at hand. Only by accepting the present circumstance for what it is, rather than what we think it should, would or could be, do we help ease the stress and upset that comes from the misconception that we can control or change people and the uncontrollable and unchangeable situations of life.

            When something happens in life that upsets your plans, take a deep breath. Slow down. Count to five. Relax into the truth that only by accepting what is real in the present can you take the necessary action to leave an abusive relationship. Or rebound from losing a job. Or seek help for an addiction. Or deal with an illness. Or appropriately honor the memory of a loved one.

Change begins when you accept what is, so you can begin to create what you want to be.

How to Break the Habit

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ReginaTNAfter a 22-year, almost two-pack-a-day habit, I quit smoking. So I am frequently asked to share how I managed to stop. My initial answer is, “I just did.”

That may seem too simple a response for smokers to believe. But yes, one part of the truth is that at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, I smoked my last cigarette. For the past 15 years I have not smoked even one cigarette. And my over-two-decade history with cigarettes holds another truth. Quitting happened only after I spent time on the front end preparing myself both physically and emotionally to end the nasty habit for good.

Transforming my decades-long dependency on nicotine took concentration, self-support, self-control, and a deep desire for my freedom. For way too long I had lied to myself, ignored the obvious physical dangers, and allowed myself to act unconsciously and irresponsibly.

I began to regain control over myself and the habit when I stopped believing the lies I told myself, such as that smoking calmed my nerves. The fact was that smoking was very bad for my body. It actually made me more nervous than not smoking. For years I worried about getting lung cancer, to the point where I was obsessed and lived in terror of it. The truth was that I got sick all the time, smelled bad, had a constant cough, and could not walk up one flight of stairs without becoming badly winded.

With the facts of how my body felt out on the “truth” table, I finally began to wake up, get fed up, and start accepting the reality about my nasty habit. I honestly admitted that from almost the first cigarette I smoked, I had wanted to stop. In fact, for 22 years, I had told myself I had to quit smoking. I’d try and fail. Then try again and succeed for a week or two. Each and every time my intentions to quit were good. But after trying again and passing up a cigarette or two, soon I made an excuse to have just one. Then I beat myself up for once again not being strong enough not to smoke. Excusing my lack of commitment, I told myself I was not perfect, I was only human, with faults, and I was allowed to make mistakes.

I tried to change the negative habit for a long, long time. Until I realized I could continue “trying” for the rest of my life. It was that “aha” when I realized quitting smoking—or any other destructive habit—is accomplished not by trying harder, but by “doing.”

To successfully do what was necessary to finally quit, I made a plan of how I would be a non-smoker in one month, and I stuck to the plan. During the first two weeks, I became emotionally responsible for each cigarette. That is, I remained present with and connected to each puff. I stopped doing anything else and just smoked. No eating, watching TV, talking on the phone, or any other distractions.

When I finished each cigarette, I put the butt into a jar with a little bit of water. Each time I wanted a cigarette, I first made myself smell that nauseating mixture. It was revolting; what I imagined I smelled like to a non-smoker.

For the last 10 days leading up to my final-cigarette target date, I dramatically reduced the number I smoked each day. On day one I started with 20, a full pack. The next day I went to 18, the next to 16, then 14, then 12. Over the final five days I limited myself to only five cigarettes per day. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was truly anxious to quit. I lit it and smoked it down to the filter and put it into the jar.

I spent the next month retraining myself and my mind. I stayed present, and when I habitually reached for a cigarette, I replaced that action with a new, positive habit of drinking a glass of water, or going on a short walk, or eating a carrot stick, or smelling that vile mixture of cigarette butts. By staying emotionally present with and responsible for my non-smoking actions, I managed not only to quit smoking but also to actually lose five pounds in the process.

As smokers, we may try to quit several times. But to make certain this time is our last, we must become emotionally responsible for the habit. We must courageously face the fact that we live with the constant dread of dying. We must acknowledge that we are continuously sick, smell bad, and have a deep, nasty cough. We must accept the truth that we are intentionally abusing ourselves, exposing others to the harmful effects of second-hand smoke, and wasting so much money. And, we must become responsible for the fact that we are allowing ourselves to be controlled rather than being in control of ourselves.

The bottom line is that to better our life, we have to better ourselves—first, by defining the acceptable behavior we want from ourselves: to be a non-smoker. Second, by setting a boundary with ourselves to not smoke, period. And third, to remain focused on keeping the “I refuse to smoke even one” boundary in place.

The last one is huge because, yes, there were many times I was not popular with myself for striving to change for the better. While I was getting over the withdrawals of smoking, there were countless times I wanted just one more cigarette. But the boundary I had set was not to pick up even one cigarette, ever again.

To be stronger than the addiction, temptation, and my countless rationalizations, I had to focus with tunnel vision on keeping the boundary firmly in place. Concentrating on the boundary I set for myself gave me the willpower to stop smoking, cold turkey. It has been many years since I put cigarettes down, and the boundary of not having even one cigarette remains in place.

Our success in breaking a negative habit depends on preparing ourselves. To stop smoking, we must completely accept that we cannot allow ourselves to pick up even one cigarette. We must accept that it will take at least a month until we have passed the point of having the physical or psychological desire to smoke.

We can accomplish anything we want when we love ourselves enough to take the actions necessary to remain in control of our behavior. We do not listen to the rationalizations of our mind that say we can have just one. No, we listen to the higher wisdom of our heart that says I CAN do this! I am worth it. Yes, I do love myself enough NOT to pick up even one.

Taking control of our behavior this way is really the key to winning over any undesirable habit. We replace a negative habit with a new, self-loving and self-respectful, positive habit.

By developing the positive behaviors necessary to stop a negative habit, we become self-aware. With greater awareness over our actions, our heart opens and we move forward, with a new sense of empowerment and responsibility, avoiding behaviors that hurt ourselves and others.

Staying Fluffy

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ReginaYou are part of a hurry-up, rush-around world where too often good manners and courteous behavior take a back seat to rudeness and instant gratification. You can choose to allow the actions of other people to negatively impact you. Or you can refuse to let other people’s behavior ruffle your fur by choosing to stay fluffy.

As children, my sister and I had a pet rabbit named Honey Bunny, a tiny ball of soft, fluffy white fur. She was cute, cuddly, and consistently calm. When I encounter a tense circumstance, or want to keep from being sucked into other people’s negativity, I repeat “fluffy bunny, fluffy bunny, fluffy bunny” over and over in my head.

It really works. I let go of any frustration or resentment and cannot stay annoyed when I concentrate on a cute little bunny rabbit.

One day I was walking back from a neighborhood shop when I witnessed a driver stopped in the middle of the intersection, talking on the phone while presumably waiting to turn left. After the light turned red she proceeded into the intersection. Although there were signs indicating U-turns were illegal, she chose to do it anyway. Her SUV was too large to make it on the first attempt, so she had to back up and move forward repeatedly.

Drivers at the green light laid on their horns, while many of the pedestrians who were forced to wait on the sidewalk screamed at her. The woman gestured through her windshield with a rude hand signal, continued chatting on the phone, and maneuvered into the illegal turn to take a parking space in front of a certain store.

Throughout this incident I stood on the sidewalk, a silent witness to how the actions of one person inconvenienced and angered dozens of others. No matter how the woman behaved, or how those impacted by the woman reacted, I was determined not to allow the circumstance to ruin my good mood. I was focused on staying fluffy.

On another occasion, I was experiencing greater pain than usual from two previous back surgeries. I decided to consult an orthopedic specialist to see if anything could be done to alleviate the pain.

The specialist entered the room without introducing himself and quickly asked what was wrong. As I began recounting the history of my back surgeries, as I had with other doctors, he interrupted me. “Do not talk to a physician that way,” he said. “Wait until you are asked specific questions and then answer as quickly as possible. We are busy people.”

I politely cut the examination short and left. No matter how shocking or arrogant the physician’s behavior was, I was determined to stay fluffy.

Occasionally you will encounter people like the woman in the SUV or the physician who are unconcerned with how their actions negatively impact other people. You can ask yourself, “How does angrily ego-reacting to the rude, but not physically threatening, behavior of another person really benefit me?”

How other people choose to behave is their choice. You have the same choice.

Yes, you can be led by hurt feelings or wounded pride to impulsively fire something back, and there are many situations when it is appropriate and important to stand up for what is right. Yet, when you egotistically call people on their own self-centered behavior, it is not likely they will say, “Wow! Thank you so much. You have allowed me to see how badly I acted.”

Rarely, if ever, do situations like this turn out the way our ego wants. Few of us appreciate being told when we have behaved badly. Many times we already realize our behavior is inappropriate. Even if we are embarrassed and ashamed, instead of stopping to question and assume responsibility for our behavior, we may instead allow our wounded egocentric pride to shoot the messenger.

Remaining positive and peaceful under stressful circumstances requires bringing a different level of awareness to the situation than that which creates it in the first place. I learned it is necessary to have a plan, something to focus on to keep my ego from becoming caught up in nerve-racking situations or other people’s self-absorbed behavior.

Next time you encounter someone who is rude, find yourself stuck in a traffic jam, or discover that someone has backed into your parked car, refuse to add any negative energy to an already uncomfortable occurrence. You cannot change an incident after it happens. You do not have the power to change other people or make them see things about their behavior they are not willing to accept for themselves. Instead, focus on behaving in a way you are proud to remember by imagining something peaceful and calm that helps you stay fluffy!

How other people choose to behave is their choice. You have the same choice.

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