A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

An Experience Of A Moment:

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rearviewmirrorA few weeks ago my partner and I made a long drive from Cincinnati, OH to Greenwich, NY. We were going to a retreat center to present a weekend workshop named, “Personal Training for the Body & Soul”. We began our journey about 8:00am with our car loaded with suitcases, briefcases and enough food to make the long 12 hour ride – stopping only for gas and bathroom breaks! The day was pleasant but chilly – big heavy clouds passed by along the way, some gave us bursts of snow, others sprinkles of rain. The drive took us north towards Cleveland then east to Albany then north again to Greenwich.

Ohio’s farmland was spotted with areas of snow but it was mostly brown and muddy – the land was “in-waiting”. Every once in a while there was a fleeting sign of spring – a small bunch of wide flowers here and a forsythia with just a hint of yellow there.   The landscape of Upstate New York began pretty much the same, with rolling hills of snow and mud – then came the acres and acres of vineyards as we passed through the Finger Lakes. Driving further east, the snowy fields became the norm and as the sun peeked from behind the passing clouds the landscape took on a glittering shimmer. How wonderful!

East of Buffalo, the New York Thruway cuts between the passing hills creating walls of stones and dirt along the side of the road. Some of these man-made cliffs were up to 30 or 40 feet high and most of them (especially along the south side of the east bound lanes) were dominated by thick frozen waterfalls of ice. As we passed, the ice reflected blue, green, yellow and gold. They were spectacular and grand. While our view was fleeting, because we were passing them at 70 miles per hour, they still demanded our attention.

As we drove further east and now past Syracuse, we were delighted and treated by the sight of thousands (and I really mean thousands) of Geese.   Each skein of Geese was in the familiar wedge formation – some with 10 or 12 Geese, others with 20 or more. They were all flying in the same direction, perhaps looking for a place to light for the night. For miles, their formations filled the sky.

At some point along our drive, my partner took advantage of the situation and reclined his seat, closed his eyes and allowed the smooth rocking of the moving car to lull him to sleep. I turned off the radio and turned my attention to all that surrounded me – the highway, the traffic, the quiet farms, the geese, the changing light, the ice waterfalls and the sound of Rob’s sleeping breath. I found myself so interested in everything that was within sight and sound. But nothing was able to hold my attention for too long – remember we were moving through our scene at 70 miles per hour. But in those quick moments of my attention to what was passing by, I found that nothing else mattered. I had no time to dwell on any one thing for too long for it was very soon replaced by something new and interesting.

When Rob awoke from his hour or so nap, I talked with him about my experience while he slept. I told him that only after his waking did I realize that there were times in that hour when I could not remember what I had just seen or driven by. I told him of my experience of focusing on so many different sights and sounds that I felt I was present with everything. I explained that I had seen many details of the cars and farm houses only to forget about them almost as quickly as I saw them. I had felt totally “there” in that hour. It was a very interesting feeling – and this interesting is good.

Because of my experience on the drive, I found myself during the weekend retreat, stopping and saying to myself, “Pay Attention”, “Look into the eyes of the person who you are talking with,” “Are you really listening?” (Well at that moment, I guess I wasn’t because I was asking myself these questions, Ha!) Overall, I found that I was. I had made the effort – I wasn’t thinking of what I might say to contribute to the conversation, I wasn’t thinking about what time it was or about what was next on our schedule. No, I was there.   I reflected back to a book by Dan Millman, “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” when Socrates would ask Dan, “What time is it?” and the correct answer was “NOW” – “Where are you?” “Here”. How true!

By being in the “now” over the weekend, I found that the days were long and enjoyable – the evenings were sweet and relaxing. As Rob tells his meditation students, “you have all the time in the world.” This is what I have found to be true.

Many of us fill our days with so many things, so many gadgets, so many thoughts of ‘I like this’ or’ I don’t like that’ and our personal landscape zooms by at 70+ miles per hour. What happens is that we really don’t give anything very much attention and just as the landscape zooms by, so does our lives. No matter how fast the landscape might be moving, make sure you are concentrating on what you see in front of you. If the pace is too much, take your foot of the gas pedal and find the speed at which you are truly present—- in the NOW.

I invite you to slow down and really begin to pay attention.   What color are the eyes of the person across the table from you? Do you see your surroundings? Are you hearing the sounds of the birds? Turn off your cell phone. Take a walk through a park. Make each moment a special occasion, for it is! This very moment is the only thing that is for sure.

Peace,

Steve Bolia

A Day At Home

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Steve3The home I live in is three stories tall and was built in 1894.  In my eyes, it’s a grand place with original hard wood floors and woodwork.   Just the other day, I decided that I would take the time to clean the third floor.  So I mounted the stairs with my dust cloth, broom, glass cleaner, paper towels and a determination to get rid of all that had collected in the corners, on the bookshelves and on the mirrors.  Most of January had been brutally cold, but on this day the temperature had soared to 25 degrees!  So, I decided that I would even open a window to bring in some fresh, clean air.

I removed everything from the tops of the dresser and chest of drawers, and with my dust cloth I joyfully wiped away a thin layer of dust that had collected.  I cleaned each piece of “stuff” that was on the surface of these two pieces of furniture and edited as I created a new display, arranging the items in a way that allowed me see each piece anew.

Next, I ventured to the bookshelves which span the length of the room!  Each shelf holds a collection of framed pictures, photo albums, books and what my dad would call “nick-knack-paddywacks.” The shelves are broken up into five sections, so I began on the right side and worked my way across.  Once again, I removed everything from each shelf, then using my dust cloth, I cleaned each shelf.  As I began to replace the items after cleaning, I found myself really looking at the pictures, books and other treasures.  Everything on these shelves had a story, not just of our years together, but stories of our parents, our siblings … our entire families.  As I started to place the items back on the shelves, I decided that I would take the time to not only change the placement of the special keepsakes but to also change the frames that the pictures were displayed in.  Each story was retold as I wiped away the fingerprints from the glass and placed a picture into the frame.   I smiled, laughed and even experienced a tear or two as the images took me back to days gone by.  What a joy!

Two hours later when I reached the left end of the bookshelves, I realized that I had taken a fantastic journey.  As I scanned the clean shelves, I saw shining, smiling faces looking back at me!  By giving the shelves a little attention, I transformed everything on them into something new and eye-catching.   It was as if I redecorated the entire room.  Love emanated from me towards each image and then was reflected back to me.   When I finished, I must have sat in front of the shelves for another half hour. From the staircase I heard, “Hey Steve, did you fall asleep?”  “No,” I replied, “I’m just getting rid of a little dust.”  I smiled, picked up the broom, swept the floor, shook the area rug out the open window (then closed it!), emptied the trash can and changed the bed clothes.

Surveying the room right before I descended the stairs, I smiled once again – who’d a thought that by getting rid of a little dust one could bring so much love and positive energy into a room.

Later that evening, I learned that the next day was the New Moon in Aquarius (Jan. 30, 2014).  This New Moon is also called a Super Moon because it was the second New Moon in the month of January.   This Aquarian Moon represented freedom and liberation.  Here, the Sun and Moon (which were both in Aquarius) offer us a fresh outlook on life, empowering us to move in a bold direction!  Every New Moon is a new beginning – it can be looked at as the seed which has just been planted deep in the soil.  There is only darkness but the seed possesses a yearning to move and grow, so it starts its journey towards the light.

I reflected on my afternoon cleaning spree and the idea of this bold new moon. How perfect it was that I had taken the time to get rid of dust and fingerprints from oh so many familiar things to make room for a new vision to come into my life.

You too can do this!  You can bring this newness into your life every day.  You don’t have to tackle a full wall of pictures and photo albums, as I did; you can begin with just a desk or table top.  Begin by clearing the space – as a friend of mine once said, “You’ve gotta make a mess before you can really clean.”  Now, get out your dust cloth and clean the surface. Make your efforts sacred – set an intention if you like … something like, “I open myself up to all possibilities”, or “I am clearing this space to bring in something fresh and new into my life.”  Now, let each item tell you a story as you clean it – spend some time with each one!  Then as you begin to place the items back, first make sure that you still want or need to have that particular item out on display.   Remember, you don’t have to throw away anything – this is an exercise in seeing your world in a new way.  Now, take that picture of Mom out of that gold frame and place her in the silver frame that had a picture of you at a summer picnic three years ago.  Take that picture and place it in another frame and so on, until you have it all back in its NEW space.

Time speeds by us. By changing up small things in our lives and making them new, we begin to notice them once again. This Newness demands our attention and in this noticing, we slow down.

Adopting a “Vacational Attitude”

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 –  Making Your Holidays Last Well into the New Year

JUThis can be your first year to lengthen the holiday season to the point that it never really needs to end. Just imagine this for a moment: spending quality time with loved ones, consuming all sorts of treats that you crave, feeling warm and rosy nearly every day, and focusing on giving, not to mention plenty of receiving, every single day, even though there is no “real excuse” for living so well. It sounds fairly blissful to me, though you may be thinking, “But … but … how exhausting!” or “How decadent, how much weight would I gain?” or “I could never do that with my kind of schedule.” Well, it can work despite all of those things, if you just give it a chance.

Where I come from in New England, we usually rely on the weather to give us cues to move on to the next season, from balmy sandal-wearing nights, to crisp sweater-sporting walks along crunchy-leaf strewn roads, to the indoor festivities that involve candles and plenty of baking and gift wrapping. But like many of you, where I live now, in pleasantly, perennially sunny Los Angeles, we don’t have the luxury of such seasonal nudges. We must rely on calendars and the decorations in our local Target or Walmart to remind us what is just around the corner, despite our weekend hikes and farmer’s markets. We in temperate climates must make a significant effort to fully celebrate certain holidays and seasons and to not forget they’re the norm for everyone else we Skype with.

So I realized, there might be a marvelous blending of the two. Many of my clients come to me because they find themselves burning the candle at both ends, suffering from exhaustion and, more often, a significant lack of perspective. They don’t see the holidays approaching until they’re just upon them, and then what happens? Pressure! “How did it come so fast? Now I have to buy gifts and plan travel, not to mention a party for …” I expect you may share some deep empathy for their best intentions. So with these clients, we often discuss adopting a “Vacational Attitude.” Yes, this is my own trademarked term for keeping and incorporating the best qualities of our holiday experiences into our daily lives.

 [Note: I am using the linguistic variation of the term “holiday” here to mean “vacation.”  Most of our non-North American friends use it this way, and for them the word doesn’t carry the emotional baggage that it so often does for North Americans during the traditional Thanksgiving through  New Year “holiday season.” We will not discuss any type of “holiday depression” here, as that is best suited for a therapy-centric atmosphere.]

In as simple terms as possible, let’s examine what comprises a vacation-oriented attitude to life. How do you feel when you’re on vacation? What qualities about the vacation life and yourself spark to life when you are out of your ordinary, overly-grounded “regular” life? For a majority of people, there is a greater sense of powerful, positive emotions and states of freedom such as joy, lightness, giddiness, warmth, goodwill, contentment, even just plain old fun.

What do you seek most when planning a vacation? Your answer will vitally tell you what you either need most in that period, or what you crave most for your personality. Being in desperate need of a beach holiday where you do nothing but loll in the water, read romance novels and sip margaritas may indicate a desperate respite from your overly-organized and laden schedule. This is in sharp contrast to the urban culture holiday that feeds one’s cultural and intellectual goals, or even the daredevil adventure holiday of the bungee-jumper or Kilimanjaro-climber that satisfies one’s need for challenges, surprise and accomplishment. I guarantee you that, ultimately, all vacations, no matter the type, lead to those same characteristics: freedom, joy and fun.

So let’s extend this to our imminent “holiday season.” What do you treasure or relish most about the best of this season? Is it the freedom from your regular heavy routine and schedule? Is it the warmth and contentment of catching up with old or rarely seen friends? Is it the opportunity to cut loose, have a few more drinks, let your hair down or loosen that tie and really have … some giddy fun? Are you starting to see a pattern here?

And yet so many of us burn out after this holiday season is complete. We overdo it. We overindulge. We cram events and drinks and dinners into such a tight timeframe that all our daily needs and requirements fall to the wayside, only to seek revenge after the New Year. The reason, most people tell me, is because they do not give themselves these fulfilling pleasures or, more sadly, “luxuries” of joy and satisfaction in their lives throughout the rest of the year.

This is how we end the cycle of binging and purging on fun, happy-making activities: Actively incorporate soul-satisfying activities into your life with extreme regularity. Schedule them, even when there is something more “pressing” to distract you. I guarantee that whatever requires your attention will still be there if it’s vital, except that you will actually be able to tackle, handle or manage it when you’re happier and less stressed, for a change. It really can be this easy.

Is the question even deeper than this?  Perhaps it comes down to that regular, niggling problem that is solely in our imaginations: worthiness. Many of my clients just don’t give themselves permission to enjoy themselves because they’ve set up an unwinnable game of reward-earning for their achievements for which they perpetually feel unworthy to win. We’ll discuss this in our 2014 columns.

But for now, accept this: You are worthy of having fun, and regularly. You have permission to enjoy your life, your friends, your family, and regularly. Finally, you have the right to carry the joys of the holidays into your daily, regular life, even when the holidays end.

Here’s my challenge to you: Adopt a “Vacational Attitude” at least until Valentine’s Day or Easter, and let me know in the comments how it goes. Heck, it might just last the whole year.

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