A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Circumstances & Choices

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As I was thinking about this first article I shared a post on the Simple Steps Facebook page that said,

Everything you do it based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your age that is to blame.  You and only you are responsible every decision and choice you make. Period.

When we’re dealing with the repercussions of another’s decisions, the weather, the economy or anything that isn’t within our control it’s easy to feel like a victim.  After all something else is responsible for the circumstances we are left to deal with.

cmBeing a victim relinquishes responsibility and control over our lives… and it makes us feel weak.  In order to find solid ground through we have to accept our power and that requires a perspective check.  Sure we may not be responsible for what happened to us… but we are totally responsible for what we do now.

This was a hard learned lesson for me but a necessary one in order to heal and move forward in my life.  Here are a few examples from my own life:

  • At age 53 my position was eliminated due to the company being  acquired.  After almost 25 years with the same company I was unemployed.  The economy crashed and I found myself in competition with the 20-somethings coming out of college for a scant few jobs in my field.  I’m still “unemployed.”
  • I took all my retirement savings and invested in the rental housing market.  I hired a property manager who didn’t collect the rents or make repairs.  We ended up with thousands of dollars in repairs, legal costs and ultimately we lost the properties.
  • My dad died suddenly leaving me to care for my elderly, blind mother.

All of these events occurred within a 3 year period of time… the same time Jack was diagnosed with leukemia and treated for cancer.

Yes… the circumstances arose from the actions of others.  What I chose to do about it was totally in my control.  And in each case the bigger factor was my attitude.  For awhile I didn’t want to get out from underneath the covers.  Ultimately I had a choice to make.  Stay in this place of misery or get up and make the best of it.

We can allow ourselves to be buried by the circumstances in our life… and after all… who could blame us?  We didn’t ask for any of this to happen.  But it gets really old  being in a place where people just feel sorry for us.  Even worse as long as we stay in that place we feel bad about ourselves.  The “aha” moment came for me when I realized that while I may not have controlled the circumstance… that event was over.  My living in this place of misery was my choice.

What?  Yep!  I was choosing to feel bad.  No one was forcing me to be.  No one could.   And that’s true for every one of us.

We choose to feel how we feel.  If it’s working for you… go with it.  If it isn’t… choose something better for you. When you realize the power of your choices you will find solid ground.

Celebrate the Process of Change

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 “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but we rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” –Maya Angelou

Change is the constant companion of life. Some changes result in major transformations while many of our changes are minor. It is important to recognize that change of every type is a source of stress. Even exciting new beginnings create stress responses in the body. With this knowledge, it is advantageous to learn how to embrace the steps of change. Learning to make transitions smoothly reduces stress. Resisting and fighting change magnifies stress. The choice is ours.

Some changes are planned and desired, such as weddings, graduations, promotions, retirement, and so forth. What many of us overlook is that these new beginnings are also endings. One way of life is ending so a new way of life may begin. All beginnings mark the end of something. Even changing a habit requires that something must end.

There are endings that we don’t desire, for example, being fired from a job, loss of our health, loss of a home, the death of a loved one, and so on. Although it may be challenging to see in the moment, these endings mark new beginnings—a new way of life. Every change, large or small, includes an ending as something new begins.

I gained in depth knowledge regarding the process of transformation while serving as a certified hypnotherapist. There are three primary components involved in transformation; they are: what is ending, what is beginning, and the adjustment to the change. The challenge in managing transition is that all of these phases are occurring simultaneously. In most cases, you don’t have the luxury of handling one step at a time. In successful transformation, there is a dance moving us from one foot to another. Loss, adjustment, and new beginnings are interwoven.

Here are a few pointers that may help you move through changes in your life. First, recognize what is ending and do your best to honor the loss. This process may be long when the loss involves death or other significant life changes. Grief is a process that requires awareness, and it includes more than one phase. Realize that we grieve losses of many types. For example, welcoming the first child into the family is a joyous occasion. However, the couple loses the pleasure of focusing exclusively on each other. Even though the baby is welcome, the couple must adjust to changes in their relationship.

Second, allow time for mental and emotional adjustment to change. This adjustment period may be uncomfortable, and it could appear unproductive. For an unknown amount of time, depending upon circumstances, you are redefining, or perhaps even reinventing your identity. Consider the transition that occurs upon graduation. Your identity as a student suddenly ends, and the new lifestyle of career building begins. While you were a student, you developed a familiar routine around your identity. When school ends, a significant identity transition occurs. For a brief time, you may struggle to find yourself and develop new routines.

Whether the transition you are making is major or minor, be gentle with yourself as you move through the adjustment phase. The renovation period is often a time of insecurity. Sometimes we want to go back to the way things were before the change. If we didn’t initiate the change, we may feel angry and defiant. We might deny the need for the change. We might feel disconnected from others or ourselves. The good news is that this phase will pass. One tool that helps us through our momentary instability is to recognize the power inherent in renewal. Ask yourself, who am I in the present? Who do I want to be? Then, breathe deeply and remember that change serves us in many ways.

Next, remember what is beginning. Every ending and every change marks a fresh start. Find the creativity and inspiration present in each transformation. Feel the joy and excitement of change. This phase of transformation is a healthy celebration of what is arriving. Planned and unexpected transformations offer the opportunity for extraordinary growth. Remember that every moment offers the chance for a new beginning. To foster the creative spirit within, remind yourself that my life begins today.

In conclusion: change happens, adjustment takes time, resistance is stressful, and acceptance is helpful. In the face of major change, accept that you have closed a chapter of your story, or even a book, and you are starting fresh. Above all, be as mindful as possible in each phase of the transition dance. Be like the caterpillar: The process of transformation brings forth your untold beauty.

 

 

Easy Does It

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_-4I simply adore the concept of the New Year.  Just the idea of it brings hope, happiness and the promise of a new day.  I used to be the queen of New Year’s resolutions.  I was adept at creating lofty goals for myself.  I was going to lose 50 pounds (overnight); I was going to be more fun to be around; I was going to stop being so introspective and just enjoy life.  I would resolve to be thin, smarter and have more money.  I would imagine creating ways of living that were so far away from where I was.

I now realize that if I was successful in achieving my New Year’s resolutions it meant that I would be someone else.  I wouldn’t be myself.  None of my resolutions incorporated the idea of honoring or accepting who I was.

I suppose it is common for many of us to want to be someone other than ourselves, and there’s certainly no better time to start than at the dawn of a new year.  Yet, once I healed for real, something unexpected happened – I didn’t want to be anyone other than myself.  It was delightful!  And when it happened, I discovered that my resolutions gently and effortlessly evolved to be simpler and more attainable.  I gained the ability to create a tangible plan of action to achieve my goal rather than simply thinking with self-sabotaging broad strokes in the hopes of achieving an unattainable goal.

Take a good look at your goal for this year.  Does your goal allow you to embrace who you are right now?   Does your proposed improvement feel like a warm and nurturing blanket around you?  Is your goal manageable?  Will your improvements or refinements be in alignment with accepting yourself?  Are you willing to be gentle with yourself as you incorporate a new habit or two?

The beauty of looking at your goal from these points of view allows you to get a real good glimpse of the state of your personal union.  And when you assess, simply observe it without judgment.  Your observation might be something like, “Ah, I’m feeling really jazzed about it and can already imagine my cool and adventurous journey to get there.”  Or, it could be similar to this, “I am kind of agitated about it because I want it RIGHT NOW!”

Either way you understand where you are in your relationship with yourself.  If you find that there’s something you believe is truly lacking, imagine yourself already having it … a lot of it.  Allow yourself to feel energized.  Pretend that all you think having that thing in your life will bring you is already present.  Your ability to imagine it, to understand it, to know it and to feel it is in your power, here and now.  By shifting your resonance, here and now, you allow yourself to achieve that feeling, now.

When you are feeling jazzed and excited about your goal, easy does it.  Be patient.  You can manifest your goal by doing something in support of it just today, then   to your “just today” on the next day, and on the following day.  Staying present and doing your best “just today” gives you the ability to take nice, easy and gliding steps in achieving what you want.  It honors and supports you.  The adage to under-promise and over-deliver can be such a wonderful gift to give to yourself.

Beginning anew is inherent within us and is reflected so beautifully in our world.  With our renewing cycle of night following day following night, we are gifted with the opportunity to begin anew at any time.  When you decide, truly decide, to begin anew and take one lovely bite-sized step just today, you can find yourself effortlessly and lovingly manifesting what you desire.  Any day can be the beginning of your new year, with all of the hope, happiness and promise that it brings.

Starting Over. An Interview with Cheryl Maloney

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Cheryl Maloney is a resilient lady. In addition to her vision, sense of humor, and dedication to create a safe space for people who need it, her resilience and vulnerability consistently keep her close to her followers.

I met Cheryl at an exciting time in both of our lives. We were both hitting a stride, when the power of possibility shined brightly after most of the dust of various transitions had settled. I consider her one of my diamond finds along the journey to my own actualization.

As the New Year 2014 was fast approaching, and Cheryl’s following was growing in leaps and bounds, my gut told me that everyone newly welcomed to the Simple Steps Real Change Community needed to know that vital little bit more about the journey of our esteemed and well- loved founder and publisher. Though her natural modesty initially shied away from a personal interview, I am privileged to share her story with even more people who might take heart from it.

Unsurprisingly, when I sat down with Cheryl to hear the arc of her story, she never disappoints. Having gone through a three year period akin to A Year of Magical Thinking, she boldly created a mission that has contributed solace, inspiration, community and infinite possibility to nearly half a million individuals all around the world.

That’s no small feat in today’s smorgasbord of self-help gurus. But Cheryl will be the first to tell you that she’s no guru, and has little need for them. She’ll tell you instead that it’s time to honor the guru within ourselves. We all have the answers, all the time. Sometimes we just need a little help and wisdom getting the clarity to see what’s been there all the time.

Like many of us, Cheryl found herself in a seemingly unmanageable place in time. She felt confounded and mired in a terrible situation that was mercilessly taxing and soul-challenging. She discovered that the big, classic spiritual and self-help tomes become burdensome instead of helpful. Cheryl’s quest for a simpler answer is a reward for each of us.

Q:

YOU’RE SITTING IN TEXAS, YOUR BASIC SECURITY NEEDS ARE AT RISK … DID THE COMMERCIAL INSPIRE YOU TO SIT DOWN AND START A BLOG?

The blog started before that … shortly after we moved to Texas. I was 53 years old, in a state I had never lived in, and I couldn’t find another job. I was just writing to express what I was going through. I’d never ever written anything other than work documents before.

I was blogging on a website at the time that no longer exists, and pretty much no one was finding it. It wasn’t until my niece suggested that I put this on Facebook that things took off. Even though I stopped just lying on the couch, I found myself looking at what I had lost in my life. And I asked myself,“Is this all there is left to your life?” My family all live into their 90s, and I thought, “Is this how I want to be for another possible 40 years?” So I started reading everything I could get my hands on. I was reading so much, but I could not ingest anything. Everything felt so complex! Finally, I came upon Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff. It was all about how to find Happiness again, and how people looked at things differently.

Then it struck me: It’s just got to be simple. There has to be more! And it has to be real. So one day I just strung those things together.

Once I moved to Facebook as SSRC, things steadily crept along. [Laughing] I was literally sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room when my 57th person signed up! I was so excited! It hit me that people are reading what I had to write. It crawled along for months and months, and finally there were 1000 people! 7000 people!

Q:

WAS SSRC BECOMING CENTRAL TO YOUR WAY OF LIFE?

First of all, Jack was doing everything he could to be understanding. He has the patience of a saint. In my darkest moments, he never once said anything like “You have to go back to work.” It was, “Do what you want to do, it’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it.” No-problem- Jack. He was supportive and understanding, and he’s always been that way. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get through it.

And yes, all of my free time was spent writing. It was never about just Train of Thought. It had to be meaningful, so it would tell a story. I committed to blogging daily. It was so important to me that I make a personal connection with everyone on the forum. I sent a message to people on Facebook when my dad was in the ambulance. Some of our readers will remember how I even wrote, “My father is going to die tonight,” and the love and support came back to me! There were so many people out there who’d been through this. All of a sudden, we were talking about praying for help – not religiously, but spiritually. As new readers were coming in, we were doing the same thing. SSRC was becoming a place people could be supported and safe. People needed to feel safe! It’s been an amazing journey.

Q:

WHO WERE SOME OF THOSE FIRST PEOPLE WITH WHOM YOU INTERACTED?

They were regular, everyday people. They were folks who were trying to put food on the table, whose children had died, people whose kids blamed them for the divorce. That’s the connection that’s most important. Everyone is going through something, but we forget about that with the everyday stresses. Most people seem to just be told, “Get over it, and move on.” But people need to be supported. As long as they feel they are alone, they feel like pariahs. The truth is that millions of people are feeling the same things, and you have to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Then you can get past it. You deserve more.

My biggest impact came from a lady in Chicago. Around the time the market crashed, she lost her job, was caring for her mother, and needed to feel safe and secure. I had put a post up on a Saturday morning that said, “If it’s important enough to you, you will find a way.” She exploded! “How dare you say this, you have no idea what it’s like!” And she unloaded on me.

I stepped back and realized that I had a choice. I could say “Get over it,” like everyone else, or I could take a different position. So I responded: “There’s nothing here to negate what you’re going through. When you’re ready to get to that point of living your dream, you WILL find a way.” We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour, and we laughed. She changed my perspective that day, adopting this attitude of gentleness and kindness. We’re all going through something. There are degrees and steps. There’s a journey.

Q:

WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER DURING THOSE YEARS IN TEXAS?

I had always been a positive person and bounced back in 24 hours if anything happened to me, as far as anyone else was concerned. But internally,

I was completely obsessive: a worrier! I spent so much time worrying about the things that I didn’t want to happen. And every one of them came to pass. I was focused on not having enough money, and that is exactly what happened.

As soon as I stopped doing that, it all went away. I no longer focus on what I don’t have. I focus on the fact that I can pay my bills every month. That may be the Huge Lesson. Real discovery is the willingness to see all the possibilities, and not just what is in front of your face.

Q:

WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT THE WOMAN IN THE CORNER OFFICE WHO DROVE THE BMW AND THE PORSCHE?

I don’t miss anything … is that true? Yes, I don’t miss that person. I’m grateful that I lost pieces of that person, because that person was arrogant, and that I found who I am really am. It was all a front before. None of that stuff means a hill of beans. Relationships with people matter most to me now. I can’t tell you I miss any of it. I’m even glad I lost it, though I wish it could have come a different way. 

Q:

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO CLAIM: “PEOPLE CAN’T CHANGE”?

If you believe they can’t, they never will in your eyes! We don’t let people change.

When we go through life-altering challenges, we’re either wiser or waiting for another lesson. There will be another lesson if we didn’t get it the first time.

Q:

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE SSRC TO LOOK LIKE IN FIVE YEARS?

Right now, SSRC is a safe harbor where people can come and just be, come to feel support and understanding and kindness and love, and not feel pressured, ostracized, condemned – all those negative feelings because people disagree with them. I’ve created a place where everyone’s beliefs are honored. That is what I want Simple Steps to continue to be.

In five years, I believe it will be the place where everyone comes for kindness and support, a place where positivity rules. If people are looking for positivity, they’re going to go to SSRC. My vision is to help create a positively focused world. The mission is to help people see their own magnificence, their own beauty, they’re own potential.

Q:

WHAT IS THE GREATEST LESSON YOU’VE LEARNED SO FAR?

It’s that every person is doing the best that they can.

Q:

WHAT IS YOUR SECRET TO KEEPING IT SIMPLE?

I truly believe that if we break up what we see as complicated into its smallest parts, we’ll realize there is a simple path right in front of us. And we take that path one simple step at a time.

Q:

WHAT’S AT THE END OF THE PATH?

What end? There is no end! [Laughing] It’s like asking “How do I get out of the box?” There is no box. There is no end to life. 

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