A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Moving Past Self-Sabotage

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Fotolia_48229032_Subscription_Monthly_M-1Julie wrestled with canceling her personal discovery session. The mental commentary in her brain went something like this: ‘I don’t really need support. It’s probably best that I work through this on my own. I can manage my life with asking for help’.The truth is, Julie was deeply anxious about sharing her private story and struggles with a stranger.

When she registered for her appointment, she clearly stated that she was struggling to find meaning and purpose in her personal and professional life. She hoped to receive support from someone, who’s lived through the ‘how low can you go’ limbo and the uncertainty that shows up during the first stage of a life-altering transformation.

This self-sabotage scenario happens a lot in the counseling and coaching world. It’s perfectly natural to get cold feet and want to bail on a first session. Anxiety makes an entrance when we choose to step outside of our comfort zone. Frankly, anybody who wants to change, grow and transform their life is going to feel a bit apprehensive at first. I often hear, “I almost cancelled our call today,” from my new coaching clients.

Here are some examples of the self-sabotage pre-call thought process:

‘If I cancel now there is no harm since I don’t have an established relationship with this person.‘ ‘If I run now, I don’t have to face what I’m up against.’

‘What was I thinking? I’m FINE. I don’t need any support.’

‘I can’t make this kind of personal investment in myself right now.’

If you choose to reach out to a coach, counselor or mentor for accountability, an unbiased opinion, or simply to be heard; your soul is nudging you to get some perspective from a professional who is trained to support you. There is a reason you were attracted to their work and scheduled an appointment. Asking for support does not make you weak.

You owe it yourself to follow through on your original instincts and show up for your appointment. If you don’t click with the person, you never have to talk with them again. If you come away feeling supported, recharged and hopeful about the days ahead, you’ve found a good match. New clients regularly tell me how happy they are that they didn’t bail on our call after our first session.

I recommend the following steps if you think you may be ready to work with a mentor, life coach or counselor.

  1. Get clear about what you wish to change in your life.
  2. Find an expert who resonates with you and read client testimonials.
  3. Ask for a referral from a trusted friend or family member.
  4. Reach out to two or three professionals for a low-cost, or free discovery session to see if you are a good energetic match.

Julie did follow through on her discovery session after canceling the first appointment. I’m happy to report that she has moved beyond the discomfort of the first stage of transition and is loving herself up with lots of compassionate self-care before moving into the exploration stage of her new life.

If you are in the throes of what feels like a significant life-changing transition, have the courage to ask for help. Then show up and see what unfolds for you! You’ll be glad you did.

You May Be Hearing but Are You Listening?

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Fotolia_55310332_Subscription_XLIs the little voice inside your head getting your attention?  Or are you hearing it and ignoring it because you don’t like what it says?  Are your friends, family, the sales person, your boss or anyone else giving you advice that is drowning out your own voice?  When we believe that someone else knows more about what we should do than we do we undermine our own sense of security.

In my “downfall” years… the time when everything seemed to go wrong in my life I was taking the advice of gurus and well-intentioned friends who I thought were more experienced than me.  The entire time my inner voice was screaming at me but I chalked it up to stepping outside my comfort zone.  I second guessed every decision I made and ultimately followed a path that someone else had recommended.

Looking back even further into my life I have come to realize that I’ve been doing something similar ever since I can remember.  In some cases my parents were protecting me or setting me to up meet their definition of success.  At other times I just wanted to be liked or be part of a crowd.   In other words I had a long-standing history of doing what I was told by someone else.

The voice that comes from within is the voice of our soul… the part of us that is more than this physical existence. Call it the god within or our higher power speaking through us.  If you believe in that higher power than you also believe that god means love.  So why aren’t we listening?

I believe we can learn to trust our inner voice.  We do so asking a question and sitting quietly as listening for the answer.  Start with a small question and listen. For example ask what  you should have for lunch or perhaps who you should reach out to today.  Then do that.  Be sure to not engage in a debate about the answer.  Take it at face value and go with the flow… so to speak.  Do this for a few weeks and each time you listen to your voice take note of how it worked out for you.  You’ll soon discover that you can trust your voice and can take it up a notch my asking about something more important.  The key here is to proceed at your own pace and to take your own counsel.

Only you have your best interest in mind.  When you learn to listen and proceed on your own advice you’ll discover the ground beneath you is tera firma!

With love, Cheryl

When being around someone makes you feel bad about yourself

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CLM128As you’re starting your journey anew are you encountering others in your life who seem to want to tell you about their successes?  Their wonderful marriage, their fabulous job, their over the top vacations?  Do you find yourself feeling bad because you’re not where they are?

When we start over in some aspect of our lives it’s a natural tendency to think about what we’ve lost.  In my case my job and my financial security were gone and I had no idea what I was going to do.  Old friends and co-workers who went on and on about what they had triggered feelings of being a failure… and worthlessness.  I was not in a good place back then.  I started to avoid my friends and co-workers.  In doing so I felt more isolated and alone… which of course only added my misery.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it was only the people who needed to talk about what they had that were the ones I needed to stay clear of… at least until I was back on solid ground.  In so many ways these folks were afraid that what had happened to me would rub off on them or… as I came to learn some of them had a need to make themselves look better and make me seem worse.  Still others didn’t really know what I was going through.  Many were as uncertain in their own ways as I was in mine.  This doesn’t mean they were bad people… far from it.  They are just people dealing with their own issues… their way.

The good news is there are plenty of people in your life currently, who do love you, like you, enjoy your company regardless of where your journey has taken you.  And there are so many more friends you’ll meet who will only know you for who you are now.  Those are the folks you need to surround yourself with.  So rather than focusing on what you don’t have you can turn your attention to enjoying life again.

I know it isn’t always easy and we can’t always control the people we run into.  What we can do is limit the time we interact with those who aren’t what we need right now and expand the time with those we do.  There will come a time when you’re comfortable enough to keep comments in perspective and actually be happy for others.  Until then remember that it’s your life you need to build or re-build in a manner that you choose.  If you’re starting over this is your opportunity to do so on your terms and surrounded by the people you want in your life.  And that is a solid place to start.

With love, Cheryl

Want to have more support in your journey of starting over?  Cheryl is hosting a free seminar, Surfing the Emotional Waves of Starting Over,  on February 20th from 11am – noon Pacific/2-3pm Eastern.  Group and individual coaching programs are also available here.

Turning Panic into Progress

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CLmDo you find yourself wanting to just “do” something when everything seems to be falling apart?  When the panic sets in do you freeze up or, if you’re like me, do you find yourself in a frantic state doing everything that comes into your mind in hopes that you can gain control.  It took me a long time to realize that all that doing was my undoing.

When something in our life seems to be out of control… or at least out of our control… our need to be in control kicks into high gear.  There are just some things in life that we cannot control.  An “act of god,” another person’s actions or illness and the decisions of governments, businesses or organizations we aren’t actively involved in… are all examples that come to mind.  Still every one of these changes lives.

In the last five years I’ve dealt with sudden death of a my dad, Jack’s life threatening illness and my company being acquired.  I can’t even begin to tell you how helpless those events made me feel… and how my panic in each case resulted in my taking action that didn’t help. Yes, hindsight provides clarity about the event, however, why not use it to also provide new guiding principles for your life?

What worked?  What didn’t work?  What’s important to you?  These are all good questions to ponder after your panic subsides.  How did your action during these times pan out?  Some worked, some didn’t. If you can take just a few moments of your time to think about it you can set yourself up to have a bit more control when the next event triggers your panic mode.  When you realize what worked and didn’t say it out loud to yourself.  But don’t stop there, add the statement, “When I get into a panic mode again I’m going to stop and remind myself of what I learned from the last time.”

We can learn from absolutely everything we do in life.  Choosing to do so moves you onto solid ground. And from there you can do anything!

With love, Cheryl

Cheryl

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