A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

From Completion to Attraction

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joshtn copyIf you’re like many Americans, your annual spring cleaning has been completed, and you now have improved space and time for the light, airy luxuries of summertime. But what if you took it one step further and gave your entire life a good healthy spring cleaning? I’m talking about the exercise of Completion.

Completion is one of the fastest ways to make space for new and better things to enter your life, and certainly to attract some richer wholeness.

Have you wondered why it’s so hard to start new things, lose those last pounds, get better work, make more money, enjoy more leisure time? I’ll practically guarantee that you are juggling so many incomplete things in your life that there is no room for anything better to come into the picture.

You probably have a good understanding already of Closure, commonly described as the resolution of a relationship or its issues in a person’s life, not to mention the contentment that comes with it. Completion is much like closure, but it’s all about the outstanding or unfinished stuff in relationship with yourself. And I say stuff because it encompasses all manner of things that you may have left incomplete: experiences, tasks, lists, projects, conversations, plans, goals, and so on. The amount of incomplete stuff with which we live clutters up our lives to no end. And what happens then? New stuff has a much harder time to enter the picture.

Without going into any highfalutin or complex science, suffice it to say that physicists have proven that the entire universe and everything in it create a vacuum. Everything forms a unified whole. So following this, new things can only come or happen when old things fall away or disappear. Something must go for the vacuum to allow space for new things. This forms one of the bases of attraction.

Much of my coaching practice is based around attraction. A lot of my clients are creative types by nature, people for whom ideas, thoughts and the creative process hold a lot of importance. When I start working with them, the first thing we do is make a list of all of the incomplete items that are hanging over their heads. And invariably after a week or two, it never fails that finishing a few of these items is followed very soon after by a surge of creativity and productivity.

The same consistently holds true for all of my clients, and often comes in the softer signs of extra time, greater peace of mind, less worry, less stress, even more money. One client started completing lots of loose ends after moving across the country, and landed a job she never had any realistic expectation of getting after interviewing months before. Some like to talk about coincidence, but what was the visible and quantifiable change throughout it all? She made a whole lot of room in her life, and something came to fill the void. And she moved right back across the country for her job of choice.

Completion works on a lot of levels of attraction too. First there is the visible level of literally getting rid of things and making actual space in your environment. Next there is the time that is created by completing projects that consume your planning, that keep you anchored in the planning stages without the bigger actions that move your goals, hopes or dreams forward.

The most valuable levels that Completion works on, though, are the non-visible ones, the levels of your spirit. For example, my parents have been discussing cleaning out their basement practically since they moved into their new home, roughly six years ago. They have spent so many hours discussing, arguing over, wondering about, and worried about all of the ‘stuff’ in their basement, all of that time could have been put to richer use, doing the things they love to do. Wasting their conscious time on this incomplete project diverts their positive energy into this soul-sucking topic. Our conscious energy, our life energy that propels us forward, that keeps us excited about our activities and relationships, is the level that Completion works most richly on.

The tried and true way to embrace Completion is to be methodical, and have some fun with it at the same time. First, remind yourself why Completion will serve you. Make a list of all of the new things that you want in your life: more quality time with your family, spouse, kids; money for better vacations; new appliances, gadgets, even toys for your home and leisure time; time to volunteer, meet new people, make new friends, engage in a worthy cause; a new, more satisfying career, job or workplace; the list goes on to encompass your wildest imaginings. Once you have a clearer idea of how much richer you want your life to be, then you can make a master list of Completion.

Sit yourself down in a quiet place, and write down 20 things in your life that are incomplete. I bet that it will be faster than you think when you really consider all of the things you’ve been talking about and wanting to do something about, but haven’t yet taken the time. Once you have 20, make yourself giddy and write another 20 incompletions down. It might feel like a stretch, but I bet you can get there, even if they are very minor things. Maybe they’ll even get bigger and bigger, like ‘start my new consulting business’ or ‘amass a six month emergency fund,’ things that might seem really challenging, but that you’ve been thinking about. Get onto the page absolutely everything that you’ve been thinking about but is not yet complete.

Now get to work. And for heaven’s sake, make it fun. Put on your favorite music, invite over an interested good friend or two, and clean those closets and attics and garages, get the repairs taken care of, finish planting your vegetable garden, pay back your friends, write the end to that short story, finish those recipes for that cookbook you’ve been talking about. Take action!

Then see and feel the results. Celebrate what you’ve achieved. Wonder what you might start once you’ve completed all of that old stuff. Start attracting all of the items on your new list. Completion is a massive step in attracting the life that you imagine and deserve.

Parenting Magic

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 –  Simple Steps to Living With Challenging Children

To be a parent is to taste the agony and ecstasy of being human. It is more complicated than many of us thought it would be ~ Especially when you have a challenging child.

Parenting can reduce successful men and women into a stressful state of confusion. Adults who see themselves as spiritual seekers are shocked at the negative feelings that can suddenly wash over them. Daily struggles turn love and adoration into a cycle of worry and control. Parenting kicks up our deepest wounds while presenting opportunities to live in our highest form of unconditional love.

It seems easier to love with unconditional abandon when you live with a child who has a mellow, laid-back spirit. These are the kids who handle disappointment easily and rarely protest when you say, “No” or “Hurry Up.”

Ah, but those feisty ones, the children who seem overly sensitive and have meltdowns in the middle of the shopping malls…how do you stay in love with them while dealing with their intense reactions? It is particularly challenging to remain calm and centered while the whole world seems to be watching. You can just feel how others are judging your parenting skills and condemning your child.

When we dream about becoming parents we rarely look forward to sending children to ‘time-out’ corners or threatening them with punishments. How is it then that so many reasonably sane adults lose their balance when coping with their highly spirited kids?

They push our buttons; that’s why.

We blame them for pushing our buttons. We are convinced they need to change.

Frustration builds when we spend our energy trying to control them instead of learning how to meet their needs in an emotionally healthy way.

My own experiences as a child development specialist and as the mother of one of these freedom-seeking children have led me on a journey of transformation. Opening my mind and heart has been the key to giving up control and moving from fear into trust.

The steps I took are simple, but they required the willingness to give up old ways of thinking, especially when I was sure that my way was best.

The first step is willingness to see beyond behavior into the inner world of a child. I came to understand that temperament is something we are born with and just like the color of eyes or the shape of a nose, no parent gets to choose their child’s hard wiring. If your child is active, intense, sensitive, easily distracted, or freedom seeking, you must stop interpreting behavior as a flagrant disrespect of your authority. The more you understand each of your children’s unique temperaments, the more empowered you will feel in responding to their natural way of reacting to a demanding world.

My next step was in moving past my intellect and asking Spirit for help. While I had studied child psychology and developmentally appropriate practices at the University level, it wasn’t until I saw my daughter through the eyes of her Creator that I was able to let go of trying to shape her into the child I thought she should be and began to accept her exactly as she was.

The result of taking these two steps was the realization that nothing was wrong. I did not have to fix or change anything. Once we recognize that our children come into physical life exactly as they are meant to be, we become open to doing our work ~ accepting and adoring them as they are.

The challenge, of course, is figuring out how to guide and support a child who cannot play this game of life by the pre-established rules. It sometimes feels impossible to validate their perspective and depth of spirit when we ache for them to be appreciated and accepted by strongly opinionated family, a test oriented school system and a society that lives by hypocritical standards of appropriate behavior.

This challenge led me to the next step, which was giving up my Ego. I had to stop worrying what other people thought. I had to care more about how my child was experiencing life than looking good in the eyes of friends and relatives. I began to release my own childhood story about being a good girl and pleasing others. I trusted my gut and realized that when my parenting responses felt good, felt connected to the truth of my own soul, felt in alignment with something greater than myself, that I was on the right path. When we stop interpreting our child’s nature as a problem that needs to be corrected, we become free to enjoy our child’s unique sense of self. I discovered that once kids start to feel understood and validated, their sweet, responsible, kind, cooperative dispositions begin to shine through.

This does not mean that we let children run wild and become self-indulgent or irresponsible. We can learn how to create boundaries and set limits within an environment that honors our child’s temperament. I continued to hold high standards while being mindful not to compare my daughter’s responses with the style of her easy-going brother. Her dad and I made a conscious decision to really listen when she said something didn’t feel right, smelled funny, tasted yucky or was too loud. We accepted the probability that she would walk a unique path and we honored her courage and determination to live authentically.

You can make a decision to strengthen your relationship with your children. Create your own first step. Pick a day when you are relaxed and do not give any unsolicited advice. Spend time together with the single intention of getting to know each unique child. Purposely savor their deliciousness and ask for their opinions. Try to only notice the good stuff. In order to accomplish this you might have to spend some one-on-one time together.

If they do something inappropriate, wonder out loud what they might be experiencing that is causing the behavior. Refuse to use guilt or shame as a way of controlling them, and talk instead about their inside feelings. Take off your mask of ‘knowing it all’ and become more ‘real’ with your child. It takes time and patience to nurture authentic relationships.

There will be times when this commitment feels overwhelming and you’ll need some help. That’s the signal to get quiet, be still and connect with your soul. In that space you just may sense a thought that comes from a knowing that transcends space and time. The willingness to follow that gentle guidance is the pivotal moment when the magic will begin.

It is quite possible that one day you will realize that your most challenging child came into your life to be your greatest teacher.

“Parenting kicks up our deepest wounds while presenting opportunities to live in our highest form of unconditional love.”

 

How to Break the Habit

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ReginaTNAfter a 22-year, almost two-pack-a-day habit, I quit smoking. So I am frequently asked to share how I managed to stop. My initial answer is, “I just did.”

That may seem too simple a response for smokers to believe. But yes, one part of the truth is that at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, I smoked my last cigarette. For the past 15 years I have not smoked even one cigarette. And my over-two-decade history with cigarettes holds another truth. Quitting happened only after I spent time on the front end preparing myself both physically and emotionally to end the nasty habit for good.

Transforming my decades-long dependency on nicotine took concentration, self-support, self-control, and a deep desire for my freedom. For way too long I had lied to myself, ignored the obvious physical dangers, and allowed myself to act unconsciously and irresponsibly.

I began to regain control over myself and the habit when I stopped believing the lies I told myself, such as that smoking calmed my nerves. The fact was that smoking was very bad for my body. It actually made me more nervous than not smoking. For years I worried about getting lung cancer, to the point where I was obsessed and lived in terror of it. The truth was that I got sick all the time, smelled bad, had a constant cough, and could not walk up one flight of stairs without becoming badly winded.

With the facts of how my body felt out on the “truth” table, I finally began to wake up, get fed up, and start accepting the reality about my nasty habit. I honestly admitted that from almost the first cigarette I smoked, I had wanted to stop. In fact, for 22 years, I had told myself I had to quit smoking. I’d try and fail. Then try again and succeed for a week or two. Each and every time my intentions to quit were good. But after trying again and passing up a cigarette or two, soon I made an excuse to have just one. Then I beat myself up for once again not being strong enough not to smoke. Excusing my lack of commitment, I told myself I was not perfect, I was only human, with faults, and I was allowed to make mistakes.

I tried to change the negative habit for a long, long time. Until I realized I could continue “trying” for the rest of my life. It was that “aha” when I realized quitting smoking—or any other destructive habit—is accomplished not by trying harder, but by “doing.”

To successfully do what was necessary to finally quit, I made a plan of how I would be a non-smoker in one month, and I stuck to the plan. During the first two weeks, I became emotionally responsible for each cigarette. That is, I remained present with and connected to each puff. I stopped doing anything else and just smoked. No eating, watching TV, talking on the phone, or any other distractions.

When I finished each cigarette, I put the butt into a jar with a little bit of water. Each time I wanted a cigarette, I first made myself smell that nauseating mixture. It was revolting; what I imagined I smelled like to a non-smoker.

For the last 10 days leading up to my final-cigarette target date, I dramatically reduced the number I smoked each day. On day one I started with 20, a full pack. The next day I went to 18, the next to 16, then 14, then 12. Over the final five days I limited myself to only five cigarettes per day. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was truly anxious to quit. I lit it and smoked it down to the filter and put it into the jar.

I spent the next month retraining myself and my mind. I stayed present, and when I habitually reached for a cigarette, I replaced that action with a new, positive habit of drinking a glass of water, or going on a short walk, or eating a carrot stick, or smelling that vile mixture of cigarette butts. By staying emotionally present with and responsible for my non-smoking actions, I managed not only to quit smoking but also to actually lose five pounds in the process.

As smokers, we may try to quit several times. But to make certain this time is our last, we must become emotionally responsible for the habit. We must courageously face the fact that we live with the constant dread of dying. We must acknowledge that we are continuously sick, smell bad, and have a deep, nasty cough. We must accept the truth that we are intentionally abusing ourselves, exposing others to the harmful effects of second-hand smoke, and wasting so much money. And, we must become responsible for the fact that we are allowing ourselves to be controlled rather than being in control of ourselves.

The bottom line is that to better our life, we have to better ourselves—first, by defining the acceptable behavior we want from ourselves: to be a non-smoker. Second, by setting a boundary with ourselves to not smoke, period. And third, to remain focused on keeping the “I refuse to smoke even one” boundary in place.

The last one is huge because, yes, there were many times I was not popular with myself for striving to change for the better. While I was getting over the withdrawals of smoking, there were countless times I wanted just one more cigarette. But the boundary I had set was not to pick up even one cigarette, ever again.

To be stronger than the addiction, temptation, and my countless rationalizations, I had to focus with tunnel vision on keeping the boundary firmly in place. Concentrating on the boundary I set for myself gave me the willpower to stop smoking, cold turkey. It has been many years since I put cigarettes down, and the boundary of not having even one cigarette remains in place.

Our success in breaking a negative habit depends on preparing ourselves. To stop smoking, we must completely accept that we cannot allow ourselves to pick up even one cigarette. We must accept that it will take at least a month until we have passed the point of having the physical or psychological desire to smoke.

We can accomplish anything we want when we love ourselves enough to take the actions necessary to remain in control of our behavior. We do not listen to the rationalizations of our mind that say we can have just one. No, we listen to the higher wisdom of our heart that says I CAN do this! I am worth it. Yes, I do love myself enough NOT to pick up even one.

Taking control of our behavior this way is really the key to winning over any undesirable habit. We replace a negative habit with a new, self-loving and self-respectful, positive habit.

By developing the positive behaviors necessary to stop a negative habit, we become self-aware. With greater awareness over our actions, our heart opens and we move forward, with a new sense of empowerment and responsibility, avoiding behaviors that hurt ourselves and others.

Breathing Through the Heart

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CindyTNWhat do you think of when you hear the word heart? I think of a big red heart shape, I think of love, I think of happiness, also the heart in my physical Being that pumps blood and sustains me and keeps me living. I remember hearing, especially in my youth, the phrase, “think with your brain and not with your heart.” It has taken me many years, experiences and life lessons to tell you I had it all backwards, and so did so many others and still do. If you’re reading this, you’re like me: you want to live a healthier, happier, more purposeful, fulfilled life, a life filled with meaning and that is not always rational. You are seeking a life that blissfully beats your heart from the deepest depths of your very being.

So many times we are so far from our heart because our mind has taken over, and not in good ways. As an Awakened Living Mentor and Health Coach, I listen daily to those who are so tired, frustrated with their jobs, living with health issues, trying to keep families together and relationships going. It seems to me that so many of us have lost our way, our ideals, our life purpose and what truly matters to us as an INDIVIDUAL. This is a mindless type of living. The answer to every question, to every desire, to every impulse is within your heart. Your energetic, vibrant beating heart is so vast it can hold the entire universe. But how do you access the power, clarity, insight, love, and peace of heart-full living? Let’s journey together, shall we?

Deepak Chopra says, “Only the heart knows the correct answer to life.” Most people think the heart is mushy and sentimental. But it’s not. The heart is incredibly intuitive, at times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought. The heart is powerful and you have experienced living from the heart already.

What does Living and Breathing from the heart feel like? While taking my morning walk, I will see something in nature that, as soon as my eyes connect with it, it takes my breath away. I will feel this sensation in my heart first, then it moves to my mind, and I give gratitude. I will see a dear friend’s number on my cell phone and get that butterfly feeling in my tummy. When my daughter comes home and I see her pull in the drive way, the emotion beats loud from my heart. I realize a few moments later in my brain that all my woohoo’s, dancing hugs and kisses have embarrassed her, especially if she has brought home a friend. Emotions like these examples are breathing and living from the heart.

I also feel emotional sadness many times in my heart first. I can hear a siren from an emergency responder, and I will feel a gulp in my throat. I then will respond with my mind and drop back into my heart with a Metta Blessing of well being for whatever situation is happening. I remember a short time ago receiving a call from my college girlfriend concerning an illness she was suffering with, and as we talked I could feel my heart drop. I can hear someone I have never met before share their difficulties, and I will choke back tears so I can keep open to best serve them.

Our heart is emotion driven, but that is important to living and breathing in incredible profound truth, OUR truth, not someone else’s or what society dictates, but OUR own unique individual heart breath that lives within each of us. There are three simple practices that when applied to daily life can assist in the process of clearing habitual patterns by bringing energetic harmony and balance to our heart first, then body and mind. I love calling this, “breathing life into a living heart.”

Self-Love

Self-love is living and making choices following the impulses of your inner-heart. This allows you to be guided by your inner wisdom rather than seeking fulfillment externally from need or emptiness or trying to please others or live up to their expectations. It is not a selfish or self-indulgent practice; however, it is a way of living that allows you to develop a connection with your true being or essence. Self-love encompasses loving and caring for yourself. It entails looking within for what you seek rather than relying on the world and others for love, acceptance and recognition.

Meditation – The Gentle Heart Breath

Meditation is a very beneficial tool; however, mystique and confusion surround it as there are so many conflicting and complex ways in which we are supposed to do it, so we think. However, the gentle heart breath mediation is a very simple technique that takes away this mystery. It simply consists of breathing gently.

Meditating three times a day for ten or fifteen minutes upon waking, at lunchtime and before bed is sufficient to bring about beneficial changes. This practice can be done when walking, taking a relaxing bath, by closing your eyes in a comfy chair or while lying down. The gentle heart breath mediation will give you a feeling of equanimity, clarity, calmness and gentleness within the body allowing you to connect to your truest self and essence. In truth, the gentle heart breath meditation reconnects you to your inner heart.

Stillness and Gentleness

At the end of meditation, you will be in a centered state of stillness and gentleness. The key is to gently go about your day and take that stillness with you. When you feel you are becoming uncentered, simply return to the gentle heart breath. You will learn with time it will become easier and more natural to you. Simply focus on the gentle breath and observe yourself, and you will become aware of how quickly you are able to drop back into your heart. Gentleness is the bridge we can use to take us from chaos into love or stillness. Gentleness is achieved through the practice of staying centered.

Now that you know that somewhere inside yourself you have the answers to living your life with joy, love, far less stress, clarity and the ability to live from your heart, it takes practice. It takes daily practice and gentle commitment. When making any kind of lifestyle change, allow yourself time to adjust. Practice makes progress, not perfection. Now, go take a gentle HEART BREATH.

Ahhhh….

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