A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

The “IT” Factor: Quiet Courage

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JoshtnRecently I took a risk tolerance quiz. It was a fun refresher for some financial investment work I was doing. I didn’t know this quiz, so I wanted to see how my taste for risk ranked these days. Let it be known that I am in no way what anyone would call a daredevil.

I don’t think any of my friends or family would declare me at all a risk taker. I’ve never spent more than $2 gambling in my many wonderful trips to Las Vegas. I’ve never jumped out of a plane with a parachute on my back. Heck, I can’t even go near an amusement park without feeling nauseous at the site of roller coasters: ugh. Of course, one person’s craziest night out is another guy’s average Monday night at the local pub, so we have some wiggle room for subjectivity.

It turns out that I have a pretty high risk tolerance, and not just financially. This is what I like to call ‘quiet courage’. So what does this equate to my real daily life? The simple answer is: I’m able to go after my dreams, and not worry too much about the downsides where great reward is possible.

The key here is not worrying too much. Of course, like any rational, questionably sane adult, I question things; call that worry if you must. But every great investor knows that to capture your wins (and we all want wins, even if you call it ‘to just be happy’), you must minimize your risk. Risk will always be there, as will all the emotions that come along with it.

Perhaps that’s where I differentiate myself from people who either don’t take action, or are deeply scared of action to the point of moving like molasses. From personal experience and (even more so) from the experience of others, I know that risk is always there. Let me repeat that: risk is always there. We just learn how to minimize it, to manage it, to handle it, to comfortably live with it. This is a matter of mastering my emotions, so that my honest choices can take come forward. In my mind, that’s the edge, and it’s what I work with most deeply with all of my clients. They then get the greatest rewards in terms of jobs and financial income.

For many of us, security is our #1 driving force. Yes, everyone has a need to feel secure. But when it’s your primary need, and you’re not conscious about it yet, this influences all of your decisions in ways that you cannot even imagine. Once you become aware of it, you can then balance out your need for security with those other needs that your soul has: fulfillment, growth, contribution, love & connection.

When you are stuck in security, instead of just going on that day trip to wine country, or donating your time to a new charitable organization you’ve always thought about giving to, you’ll start to seek the ways that this new experience will threaten your security. The question your habituated, un-mastered mind puts to you is: ‘How is this going to disrupt my days/habits/comfort?’ And before you know it, you’ve found all the answers, and talked yourself out of doing something that likely could have given you far more satisfaction, joy and connection than just maintaining your security status quo.

How do we get stuck in security in first place? As with most things, without changing the world and reconditioning all of society, the answer to this is likely beside the point. You might like to think that it’s your social demographic or generation or economic background. But those are just easy excuses. People from all walks of life respond to the fire in their bellies daily, and overcome – if that’s the right word – the conditions that might have been imposed upon them to move beyond their need for security.

I don’t believe you ever need to overcome anything. Wherever you started in life is the place in which you get to contribute. You’ve become the absolute best tool for the growth and progress of that place, because it’s yours and it knows and loves you, even if it forgets that some times. I come from good, ethical people, who are exceptionally imperfect, like all of us. I’ve had challenging conversations that shaped my original community’s opinions, beliefs and – best of all – feelings, through the years. And don’t kid yourself, they’ve shaped mine for the better too.

Which only leaves the fire in everyone’s bellies! That’s all any of us have. What are we passionate about? What are our dreams? What gives us our truest fulfillment? Most often, we’ve just lost track of that. We’ve gotten lulled to sleep by society’s norms – often fatally, like a lobster put into the cosy warm water in the lobster pot. Before you know it, your life was lived ‘normally’ and you get to the end wondering, ‘Is this all there was?’

When the meaning of our lives comes solely from security, problems come calling. While we all deserve joy with family and friends, imagine how much more you might have created and contributed if you responded to that fire in your belly! And I know that everyone has it, even if they pretend that they’re just ‘a simple person, living my life,’ as I hear people say until they start to ask some great questions that release some amazing, impeccable answers!

Simple people do extraordinary things every day, risky things. But they are not necessarily extraordinary or risky to that person, just to you and me if we haven’t done them yet. We can do extraordinary things every day too. And this is all it takes: a little conditioning, a little habitual encouragement to try new things, things that you really want to do. Things that you’ve always wanted to do. Things that give you huge joy, huge connection, and fun.

Little by little, you realize: ‘hmm, maybe my security is not in jeopardy! Maybe what I thought was unsafe is really just untested. Maybe all those stories my grandmother told me about going out into the world were just her fear, not mine’ (don’t even get me started on the job my family’s old-world Italian grandparents had on later generations!).

Here’s the truth: we are never really without security. Not at heart, not deep deep down, where it matters most. We are all resourceful, we just forget about this. We’ve mastered tying our shoelaces and driving cars and paying bills, things that would be challenging to every 2-year-old. But we’ve gotten experience, we came through. Most of us have come through some truly difficult, challenging, heart-wrenching experiences, and still we live and wake up and smile and find joy with ourselves and others.

So when you find yourself getting stuck in your old idea security – and it happens at the most inconvenient of times! – just stop, take a deep breath, and remind yourself: ‘Hey, I give myself credit for learning and enjoying things I never thought I could do before! I’m grateful for all the connections that I get to create every day.’

Take a moment now to remind yourself, and write down your It Factor. Ask yourself: What have I always wanted most? What makes me smile more than anything else? What makes me laugh and feel warm and connected to other people? What gives me a sense of giving to other people so that I feel so satisfied and generous? Why did I end up on this earth to give? Dig deeper, because it’s all there for you to take! Go out, have some fun, and claim your own It Factor today.

Josh Ubaldi is a business coach, entrepreneur & quiet risk-taker living in Los Angeles, CA. Please share with him your experiences of security and fulfillment here.

Adopting a “Vacational Attitude”

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 –  Making Your Holidays Last Well into the New Year

JUThis can be your first year to lengthen the holiday season to the point that it never really needs to end. Just imagine this for a moment: spending quality time with loved ones, consuming all sorts of treats that you crave, feeling warm and rosy nearly every day, and focusing on giving, not to mention plenty of receiving, every single day, even though there is no “real excuse” for living so well. It sounds fairly blissful to me, though you may be thinking, “But … but … how exhausting!” or “How decadent, how much weight would I gain?” or “I could never do that with my kind of schedule.” Well, it can work despite all of those things, if you just give it a chance.

Where I come from in New England, we usually rely on the weather to give us cues to move on to the next season, from balmy sandal-wearing nights, to crisp sweater-sporting walks along crunchy-leaf strewn roads, to the indoor festivities that involve candles and plenty of baking and gift wrapping. But like many of you, where I live now, in pleasantly, perennially sunny Los Angeles, we don’t have the luxury of such seasonal nudges. We must rely on calendars and the decorations in our local Target or Walmart to remind us what is just around the corner, despite our weekend hikes and farmer’s markets. We in temperate climates must make a significant effort to fully celebrate certain holidays and seasons and to not forget they’re the norm for everyone else we Skype with.

So I realized, there might be a marvelous blending of the two. Many of my clients come to me because they find themselves burning the candle at both ends, suffering from exhaustion and, more often, a significant lack of perspective. They don’t see the holidays approaching until they’re just upon them, and then what happens? Pressure! “How did it come so fast? Now I have to buy gifts and plan travel, not to mention a party for …” I expect you may share some deep empathy for their best intentions. So with these clients, we often discuss adopting a “Vacational Attitude.” Yes, this is my own trademarked term for keeping and incorporating the best qualities of our holiday experiences into our daily lives.

 [Note: I am using the linguistic variation of the term “holiday” here to mean “vacation.”  Most of our non-North American friends use it this way, and for them the word doesn’t carry the emotional baggage that it so often does for North Americans during the traditional Thanksgiving through  New Year “holiday season.” We will not discuss any type of “holiday depression” here, as that is best suited for a therapy-centric atmosphere.]

In as simple terms as possible, let’s examine what comprises a vacation-oriented attitude to life. How do you feel when you’re on vacation? What qualities about the vacation life and yourself spark to life when you are out of your ordinary, overly-grounded “regular” life? For a majority of people, there is a greater sense of powerful, positive emotions and states of freedom such as joy, lightness, giddiness, warmth, goodwill, contentment, even just plain old fun.

What do you seek most when planning a vacation? Your answer will vitally tell you what you either need most in that period, or what you crave most for your personality. Being in desperate need of a beach holiday where you do nothing but loll in the water, read romance novels and sip margaritas may indicate a desperate respite from your overly-organized and laden schedule. This is in sharp contrast to the urban culture holiday that feeds one’s cultural and intellectual goals, or even the daredevil adventure holiday of the bungee-jumper or Kilimanjaro-climber that satisfies one’s need for challenges, surprise and accomplishment. I guarantee you that, ultimately, all vacations, no matter the type, lead to those same characteristics: freedom, joy and fun.

So let’s extend this to our imminent “holiday season.” What do you treasure or relish most about the best of this season? Is it the freedom from your regular heavy routine and schedule? Is it the warmth and contentment of catching up with old or rarely seen friends? Is it the opportunity to cut loose, have a few more drinks, let your hair down or loosen that tie and really have … some giddy fun? Are you starting to see a pattern here?

And yet so many of us burn out after this holiday season is complete. We overdo it. We overindulge. We cram events and drinks and dinners into such a tight timeframe that all our daily needs and requirements fall to the wayside, only to seek revenge after the New Year. The reason, most people tell me, is because they do not give themselves these fulfilling pleasures or, more sadly, “luxuries” of joy and satisfaction in their lives throughout the rest of the year.

This is how we end the cycle of binging and purging on fun, happy-making activities: Actively incorporate soul-satisfying activities into your life with extreme regularity. Schedule them, even when there is something more “pressing” to distract you. I guarantee that whatever requires your attention will still be there if it’s vital, except that you will actually be able to tackle, handle or manage it when you’re happier and less stressed, for a change. It really can be this easy.

Is the question even deeper than this?  Perhaps it comes down to that regular, niggling problem that is solely in our imaginations: worthiness. Many of my clients just don’t give themselves permission to enjoy themselves because they’ve set up an unwinnable game of reward-earning for their achievements for which they perpetually feel unworthy to win. We’ll discuss this in our 2014 columns.

But for now, accept this: You are worthy of having fun, and regularly. You have permission to enjoy your life, your friends, your family, and regularly. Finally, you have the right to carry the joys of the holidays into your daily, regular life, even when the holidays end.

Here’s my challenge to you: Adopt a “Vacational Attitude” at least until Valentine’s Day or Easter, and let me know in the comments how it goes. Heck, it might just last the whole year.

Disappointment: Coming into the Light

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Fotolia_28458918_Subscription_XXLFear and worry, overwhelmed and stuck, exhaustion and confusion: these are the big common terms that self-help leaders discuss at length. However, one of the most insidious killers of successful living is that quiet, subtle, dangerous beast: disappointment.

The majority of us experience disappointment with regularity, and some of us experience it almost every day in relationships, careers, and experiences that are not fulfilling. Cancelled plans, constant excuses, small results on a big project, no payoff for plenty of effort, lack of communication, lack of whatever you need most:  all are experiences that can create those pangs of disappointment. The sad reality is that most of us don’t take any time to manage this, let alone capitalize on it.

When it arises, disappointment creates a lot of havoc in our daily lives, but it’s usually a quiet type of upheaval. The results are more akin to termites eating away at the foundational structure of your home than a tornado flattening your whole house. It happens within, and the damage can be long-term and costly.

When our hopes and, more often, our expectations are not satisfied, the feeling of disappointment can overcome us so completely that we stop fully living in the present. Instead, we fixate on what didn’t go right, what should have been, reliving that moment over and over. Sometimes we disappoint ourselves with our choices and actions, and sometimes we allow other people to disappoint our expectations of what we wanted of them.

Either way, allowing anger, bitterness, sorrow, or shock to consume or even stop us in our tracks is not something that needs to happen. We don’t need to let disappointment keep us from feeling successful in our daily lives and relationships. We have the power to make this happen less and less and start to embrace our real circumstances more honestly and joyfully.

“Stuff happens” is a term I hear a lot (and it’s more colorful, expletive-laced version!). But it tends to dismiss disappointment as a luxury, or even a “spoiled”  reaction to unfortunate things that happen to us. It denies the actuality that when we want more, reach for more, or attempt to create better in our lives, it doesn’t always happen for us immediately. Charles Stanley said, “Disappointment is inevitable. But to become discouraged, there’s a choice I make.” Discouragement may be the worst effect of disappointment. It reduces our confidence, fills us with sorrow, and stops us from moving forward and trying again as soon and significantly as we might.

We need powerful tactics to manage disappointment. Keeping it simple is the key. First, acknowledge the disappointment for what it is when it happens. Everyone registers this with different variations: feeling let down, bummed out, dissatisfied, annoyed and sad are all aspects of this beast of disappointment. When you feel any of these, remind yourself that although your hopes or expectations were not met, you are still whole and undamaged at your core, what I call “Well at core.” This is the key to keeping perspective when dealing with the shock of whatever has disappointed you.

Next, choose one of two empowering options, based on the intensity of your disappointment. For the smaller, less devastating disappointments, take immediate action. Do something powerful and proactive to move forward. Do not fall into the “pity wallowing trap” under any circumstances!  When little things that are out of our control happen to disappoint us, it’s far too easy to feel bad for ourselves and really let that self-pity slow us down and stop us in a state of complaining or even bitter seething. I witness this all the time. Instead, do something immediately after. Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re disappointed but still “Well at core,” immediately refocus your attention to something forward-moving and positive. By making your period of dealing with the disappointment productive, you won’t feel like you got waylaid by circumstances outside of your control.

For the larger, heavier disappointments, I like to engage the 24 hour rule. In case you don’t know it, this is a common practice of many high achievers, and the principle is simple: for any win or loss, give yourself 24 hours to either celebrate your win or mourn your loss, and then proceed with your plan and general routines. Big disappointments often need to be mourned as losses in this way. Sometimes it is simply not enough to refocus and take action, but rather go inward and care more deeply for yourself. Take the day off, have a satisfying meal, go do something that always brings you pleasure or joy, and boost yourself with that little extra while you process the sting of the disappointment. Throughout, remind yourself that you are always and still “Well at core.”

Finally, once you have managed the immediate effects of the disappointment, capitalize on it by exploring its source. Ask yourself: What is this disappointment bringing to light? What can I do to prevent it from happening again? What have I learned or gained from it? What will I do more of in future? Start taking action on your answers.

You always have the option to either change your circumstances or change your beliefs. If you don’t have the means to change your circumstances just yet, you can always change your beliefs about them so that disappointment does not appear again and again. Yes, it can and mostly likely will be challenging, but that is why disappointment comes into our lives. Disappointment can be not just a sneaky beast, but a beaming light that reminds us to create the best circumstances that sustain us, and adopt beliefs that serve us to be more joyful and more whole.

The Perfection of Our Stories

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Fotolia_32439455_Subscription_XLWe are all unique walking collections of stories. Our stories help give shape to our lives. They are the results of experiences that surprise, comfort, and sometimes even torment us. Best of all, our stories are what connect us to others. The challenge we face is that sometimes our stories start to run the show. Instead of making the most of our stories as points of connection, we allow our stories to use us mercilessly, and disconnect us unnecessarily.

Storytelling is a timeless tradition that goes back to the start of civilization, visible now in cave paintings around the world. Little has changed since then. We live our lives, and tell our stories in the form of narratives or jokes or teachings, often in the hopes that future generations know where they came from and so they won’t make our same mistakes. If we’re really wise, we ask as many questions as the stories we tell. But there’s no denying that stories are how we make sense of what has happened to us, and also how we share the essence of ourselves with others. Because our stories are our history, they are perfect, because we are perfect, no matter how flawed our experiences.

Sharing our stories is all about vulnerability. The words that we choose to share with one another are by their very choice reflections of how we were raised, where we’ve come from, who we are now, and even where we aspire to go. When we unleash those words to others, we are sharing ourselves in such a wonderful, vulnerable and open way, that other people cannot help but recognize themselves in our words and then connect with us. Or when our stories don’t have enough points in common, this may be a reflection of how we don’t connect. Storytelling, by virtue of its need for vulnerability, is vital to connection.

How do you tell stories? What did you do, where did you go, who did you see, why were you whatever you were? How did all of those experiences make you who you are today? The big questions of our lives are wrapped up in our stories, what we choose to share, or not share. Think about the stories you chose to share over the course of the last week versus those that you actively chose not to share. They are the foundation of the connections we attempt to seek from others. Therein lies your power, your purpose and ultimately your destiny.

So when does storytelling become a trap? We choose to share stories that limit our connections to each other, rather than create deeper connections. We choose stories that limit our own vulnerability, and keep us from being fully present. Let me give you an example: I have one regular acquaintance Carla who always jokes through sarcasm and one-upmanship. Almost every conversation is based around a story of how her experience was better than whatever anyone else just shared. Or otherwise how much worse it was, and therefore more amazing, making for a better story. Carla’s stories always create distance. They may elicit some funny jokes or words of fascination, but they almost never create a bond of shared experience. Can you think of a time when your stories achieved the same undesired, even if unintentional, result?

Carla is letting herself get used by her stories. Like all of us, Carla has options. She might simply stay present with the people around her. She can listen to and acknowledge other people’s stories, and respond to those stories without diminishing them. But more often than not, she doesn’t choose a benign course. She chooses to let her own stories blow everyone else’s out of the water. Carla allows her stories to put her on a pedestal, high above the connections happening around her. In those moments, her story is running her. It’s a pretty lonely place to be, and she’s the first to admit it.

Complaining is another common way of allowing our stories to run our lives. I had the great privilege of growing up around many elderly folks, well into their 80s, 90s and even 100s. Their wisdom and warmth was often so generous. But there were also plenty who told stories of nothing but their ailments. My grandmother, while adorable, often fell victim to this. If we had the time to call over, the first ten minutes of conversation were about all of her current ailments, doctors’ recommendations for each, and how all of these were impeding her regular routines. Her stories were endless. Does this sound at all familiar? Clearly, people who do this have great need for a sympathetic ear. But this type of story does little but cut off our own curiosity about others, and what’s happening in their lives. It not only hinders our connection, but doesn’t allow other people’s experiences to put ours into perspective. The connections stay limited because it’s about the stories, not about who we really are.

Curiosity is the easiest antidote to the trap of letting our stories run us. Wondering what is happening around us offers us a constant perspective. Allowing ourselves the curiosity to ask questions – a vulnerable act itself – and to be with those stories, to respond respectfully and honestly, these are where connections are born and become profound. Our comfort zones are usually far more flexible than we give ourselves credit for. We have a huge capacity to process the stories told to us throughout the course of a day, and fully reach out to the people who are sharing. This can be a great reminder to us that it’s always as much about the other person as it is about us, as often as we forget that. Seek out others stories by liberating your curiosity, and expand your own experience.

Listening is another key to connection, and will help you avoid falling into your own storytelling traps. What are people’s stories telling you? Ask yourself what is the meaning behind their story. How deeply are they sharing? Can you share in kind? You will find this type of listening and connecting builds your friendships better than you expected because you shared an important story at the right moment, when you were both vulnerable and open-hearted.

Stories are invitations to get to know us better. We always have copious amounts of stories to choose from, if we are conscious of how rich our lives have been. Listen deeply, and respond wholeheartedly.

Remember to keep your stories in check. When you find them protecting you, elevating you above others, controlling others by keeping them subjected to your complaints, find the awareness to stop the cycle of the story. Your stories will use you to keep you centered solely on yourself. Remain confident in your perfect stories to allow moments to be about the other person. Take the power of your curiosity and listening to connect deeper.

We are after all not our stories. Our stories are just momentary reflections of where we’ve been and what we’ve experienced. When we are fully present, fully generous, and fully alive, we are so much more than the sum of our stories.

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