A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

How to Embrace Your Personal Declaration of Independence

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In the spirit of July as we celebrate American independence, I think about personal independence and what it entailed for me. Sure, it is a big subject because the idea of personal independence is just that — personal. It means something different to each of us.

In my case, I yearned for acknowledgment, approval and acceptance. Also, I felt that I needed to be something other than who I was to get it. Therefore, I created very specific ideas of how I should act, what I should look like and what I needed to achieve to be deemed worthy of other people’s acceptance.

Talk about struggle! I was like a pinball, bouncing from persona to persona based upon who I was trying to please at the time. Actually, I had no way to win. My notion to act saintly (in order to be acceptable to others) was impossible to achieve. My standard of what was beautiful wasn’t my own, and was impossible for me to achieve. My sense of what it meant to be accomplished wasn’t my own, and was impossible for me to achieve.

Depression: aligning with non-preferred situations and feeling helpless to change them. – Author Unknown

Depression and I were really good friends. I felt trapped inside my head and heart because of my unrealistic expectations. After decades of spinning my wheels, being stubborn and trying to be someone and something I was not, I had a total breakdown.

Breakdowns get a bad rap, in my opinion. To me, having a breakdown means that what I have been doing — over and over again to receive what I think I want — isn’t working. When I get to the point where I’ve had enough, that is when I am willing to consider new ideas. Open. Receptive. Willing. That is when a breakthrough becomes possible. Breakdowns create breakthroughs.

In breaking through, I stopped focusing on other people’s definitions of beauty, success and acceptability and turned within to explore my own definitions of them. I explored what I appreciated about myself, exactly as I was. I started acknowledging what I do well, and spoke kindly to myself.

In time, I found that I was lighter in my head and heart. In time, I found an inner peace and joy emerging softly. And in time, by clearing myself of unrealistic expectations I found my freedom. I embraced and enjoyed my personal declaration of independence, and I’ve been dancing and singing ever since!

My heartfelt wish is for you to determine what personal independence means for you. My heartfelt wish is for you to be acceptable to yourself. My heartfelt wish is for you to break free from the chains of others’ expectations that you have adopted for yourself. My heartfelt wish is for you to be able to look in the mirror and know that a strong, amazing and magnificent person cheerfully gazes back at you.

To assist you in getting there, I have some suggestions:

  1. Honor what you did to survive: If you know that the underlying intention for all you have done was to receive acknowledgement and acceptance, know that to be true and give yourself a break. You were doing the best you could at the time.
  1. Accept your thoughts: Understand that you think up to 60,000 thoughts every day, and they are like clouds in the sky. Don’t get too hung up on how you should The truth is, you think how you think, and whatever you are thinking is going to shift momentarily anyway.
  1. Celebrate your uniqueness: Comparing yourself to others is like comparing a tulip and a rose. Stay in your own body and mind and know that you are divine in origin and expression.

If none of these suggestions resonate with you, that’s fine! Be willing to receive clarity on what tools can help you break free from unrealistic expectations, and you will find them.

As you greet the second half of the calendar year, wake up each day and commit to being a good friend to yourself. As you do this just a bit each day, your clarity will increase and your personal declaration of independence is right around the corner. Get your dancing shoes ready!

I Hear Music

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My neighborhood is getting more and more popular, and we have active social lives. We get lots of visitors and because of this, parking has been more challenging recently.

A few nights ago I had to park around the corner. As I walked down the street to my house, I could hear music from my neighbor’s house. Their daughters take music lessons and one of them was practicing the piano. It sounded wonderful!

I smiled as I remembered one of my childhood friends who lived across the street and practiced the drums every day. As kids we used sneak over there and listen outside his bedroom window; he became that good. He has been a professional drummer for decades now, and has toured the world with top artists.

I did pause outside my neighbor’s house. I imagined that the only sound in the house during that hour was the sweet sound of the piano. I imagined that everyone else was reading, writing, or quietly spending time together. Knowing them, it was easy to imagine that there was no television or other electronic distractions, just themselves, learning.

I smiled as I thought about what folks might say years later about the girls’ musical achievements, knowing that I bore witness to it as it developed.

I was grateful for having to park and walk that night, because it reminded me of cool, lazy and peaceful evenings I experienced while growing up. I was delighted to know that, in this day and age of technology, there is still live music being played by children in the heart of the hustling and bustling city.

Understand that when you connect with a pleasant memory, smell or sensation from your past, it amplifies and sweetens your present moment. You can open up to experience more memories by saying to yourself, “I am willing to remember any and all of my pleasant memories to give me a smile today.”

As the weather warms and you continue to enjoy Spring and then cross the bridge into Summer, may you too enjoy cool, lazy and peaceful evenings. May you welcome its rejuvenation, and take pause to acknowledge the magic from your past. Breathe it in as deeply as you can, and allow it to inspire you here and now.

 

Are We There Yet?

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janetthomasI listen to daily updates from my friend who writes plays. She is waiting for producers to get back to her regarding possible interest in one of her projects. She had hoped to hear from them last week, and with each passing day that she doesn’t hear from them, she is convinced they aren’t interested in her project.

I suggested that she take a step back for a moment and consider the idea that they didn’t give her a timeframe on when she could expect to hear back from them. Moreover, it is her OWN expectation regarding their timing that is driving her crazy! Somehow, somewhere she decided that if she hasn’t heard back from them in “X” days or weeks, it means they’re not interested. And that isn’t true at all. The only facts are (1) she submitted a play for consideration, and (2) she hasn’t heard from them yet. And that’s it. Any ideas she has beyond that are of her unique creation and vast imagination until new facts arise (with a phone call to them for an update, or them reaching out to her to tell her how magnificent she is).

The concept of time is so fascinating to me. We may think of time as this finite thing that is measured by the ticks of a clock or in the beautiful lines on our faces, yet we have a personal relationship with it, and it is very malleable. Time will shift to be whatever we decide it will be. In my friend’s case, she set up an expectation regarding time that became suffocating pretty quickly. When she adjusted her timing expectations, she felt much better!

Can you believe that it is already fall? Here it is, another change of season. Where, oh where did the time go, and how did you spend it? Did you spend a lot of it feeling like a prisoner to your personal expectations for the year (like me, lol), or did you find yourself smiling and laughing through it, playing and dancing with whatever your experiences? Now that I have had an enlightened moment about the concept of time and how I personally use it, I have made a conscious decision to loosen my belt a bit when it comes to my expectations, and I feel better already.

After all, why wouldn’t I be okay with my life exactly as it is? What is it that I am expecting that will make me feel better, happier, or more relevant?

Be willing to consider that what hasn’t happened for you as of this very moment is in perfect order. When you allow life to be okay at this very moment, there is great peace in that glorious split second. I have found that for every split second that I feel good and grounded and whole just as I am, it feels like time slows down and becomes simply the experience of “now.”

For now (and every subsequent “now”), not only are you wonderful, you are as worthy and as valuable as the stars in the sky, regardless of how tightly you have drawn your belt or what has or hasn’t happened in your life. The Glorious You transcends any and all barriers, conditions and definitions. The Glorious You is immersed in the goodness of All That Is while you navigate the fertile and creative waters of human existence. And, the Glorious You is timeless.

Right now, and in this season, LAUGH. Right now, and in this season, BREATHE. Right now, and in this season, LOVE. It’s what you do best!

And… my friend heard from a producer today. They are considering next steps. Yaay!

Shedding Old Clothes

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Fotolia_34553939_Subscription_Monthly_MI remember when I was in fifth grade.  One day before lunch ended, I opened the door to my classroom and found that the room was empty.  I was surprised.  This was the first time ever that I was in the room by myself.  With nobody else around, it was pleasantly calm and quiet.

I walked over to my teacher’s desk and took a good look.  After all, it was the only place in the entire room I hadn’t really had the opportunity to inspect, until now.  I looked inside the drawer and found her grade book.  It was right on top.  I opened it where it was paper clipped and saw all of our names with the lineup of test grades next to them.  I looked for my name, and saw my grades, A, A-, B+, A+, A-, A … For a test we had taken just the day before, I saw, “B-“ next to my name.  B minus?  What???  That wouldn’t do.

I quickly looked for a pencil on her desk.  My mind raced.  “Would I erase it?  Would I cross it out?  No, that would be too obvious.”  I decided to put a tiny mark on it to change the minus sign to a plus sign.  It now read “B+.”  My face was hot and my body was tingling as I quickly put the book away.  I never got caught for that, nor did I confess, but it didn’t matter.  I was on edge about it for a long time.  I tortured myself about being stupid, being a liar and a fake, and, therefore, non-deserving of anything good in life, ever.

For decades I hid my dark and troubled spots. I was extremely hard on myself. I was a pro at chastising myself, which almost landed me in my grave.  Do you remember the character “Pig-Pen” from the Charlie Brown comic strip?  That was me: pretending that everything was okay and normal even though there was soot all around me.

In my healing journey, rather than beat myself up, I flipped a switch by honoring what I did to survive.  I came to understand that by pretending my non-preferred experiences and my responses to them didn’t exist, I kept them firmly in place.  I learned that by honoring what happened and describing my experiences without judging them allowed me to transform then release them.

To Clean = to rid of impurities; to purify.

When it came to changing that grade way back when, I came to understand that by getting good grades, I received praise and love I didn’t feel otherwise.  I also felt that if my performance slipped, I wouldn’t receive praise and love.  I doubt that my parents would have withheld their love, yet at the time I couldn’t risk even the thought of getting negative attention because I couldn’t face the humiliation.

I also came to understand that my perfectionist nature (which I’d be willing to bet I was born with) went into overdrive once I was sexually violated as a little girl.  And finally, I understood that my constant self-chastising represented my fervent desire to be a good person.

In contemplating the glorious cycles of nature, springtime pulsates with the idea of renewal – of making a fresh start.  When it comes to spring cleaning, I love the idea of ridding my closet of old clothes.  The old clothes I speak of are not those I wear.  For me it’s more about transforming non-preferred experiences so that I can shed old thoughts and ideas that no longer serve me, therefore creating space for the new and wonderful stuff I desire.

By stripping away the action itself (changing the grade) and seeking out the positive wish underneath (the desire for praise and love), I purified that experience.  I was able to give my fifth grader what she so desperately needed – praise and love.

Here is the formula I use for shedding old clothes.  Ask yourself:

What happened?  What did you do or say that was non-preferred?  What was your positive wish underneath your original response? It will typically be that you wanted understanding, acknowledgement, and/or love.

Now, replay the event in your mind, but instead, act or respond in a way that gives you the understanding you seek.  If the event involved someone else, imagine the other person giving you what you are asking for (in the form of your positive wish).  See and feel yourself receiving the understanding, acknowledgement, and/or love that you needed at the time.

Be creative. Understand that your subconscious mind doesn’t know whether something is occurring physically or virtually, the feeling is what it records.  As you replace the old hurts with acknowledgment, understanding and love, you allow them to transform, thus lovingly shedding your old clothes to don new ones.

Experiences will continue to emerge from the shadows to receive light and transformation, and you will know how to do it.  You have the ability to appreciate each moment rather than thinking that you need to fix everything in order to be deserving.  May you come to understand that you are lovable anyway; that you are free to heal, to laugh, to love, and to express yourself, soot and all.

 

 

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