A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Hacker-Free?

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98312695When I was online recently I viewed a credit card statement and a bold message popped up.  It was an alert that my personal information may have been compromised due to hackers, and the credit card company was mailing a replacement card to me.  I discussed it with a few of my friends, who mentioned that they too had received the message.

We had a spirited conversation about the lack of privacy these days and how this age of information impacts our personal boundaries.  Our lives are now open to observation and scrutiny in ways that are unprecedented. Through the evolution of technology, our personal information, our purchasing habits and preferences are “caught on tape.” I wonder if there would ever be true deterrents to hackers or the restoration of privacy as we once knew.  For the time being, though, it sure feels like we will continue in the direction of a boundary-less existence.

As I think about it, it feels like our physical world and how we act in it is now an open book.  Does that make us powerless?  Out of control?  What can we consider sacred about our existence?  Well, I submit that what remains truly private and hacker-free about us is our inner world – our daydreams, private thoughts and personal wishes; our individuality and heartbeat; our inner landscape and playground.  It is the portion of us that is still hidden and private unless and until we ourselves wish to share it.  With it we are ever-powerful because we control it.

For me, reclaiming a wonderful sense of power and control availed itself once I became intimate with my private thoughts, ideas and the ability to maneuver physical existence from the inside out.  This intimacy – befriending and honoring ALL aspects of ourselves within our inner world – can actually be considered the next frontier.

Getting familiar with that next frontier may have road blocks, because we are much more familiar with the wonderful and glorious distractions of the physical world.  I do remember the days when I would avoid paying attention to my inner world at all cost because it was way too unfamiliar, and I would be afraid.  Any time I slowed down and meaningful stuff would pop up that could have used my attention, I’d cover my ears, like, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you!”  I remember being so paranoid about my thoughts, like one insidious piece of thinking was going to derail all of the hope and optimism contained in the good thoughts that I had meticulously engineered.  Again, I’d be covering my ears, like, “La, la, la, bad thoughts, I can’t hear you!”

When I surrendered to my own authenticity and simply told the truth to myself about how I felt, my self-judgment lifted and my thoughts returned to optimism easily and effortlessly.  I came to realize that my thoughts are things that I have, they aren’t who I am.  I also began to envision that my thoughts are like clouds in the sky that are always moving and shifting.  It is now automatic to embrace everything that I think and feel without a compelling need to censor, judge or disown.

I discovered that I began to truly honor myself after I learned how to dialogue with, acknowledge and appreciate the aspects of myself I had previously feared and judged.  Now that the fear and judgment are gone, I have a pretty good time just hanging out with my thoughts.  I keep myself very entertained, actually; it’s even more fun than browsing the internet.

In the spirit of true self-regard, are there portions of yourself that you DON’T want to honor?  Shine your light on them.  Let your mantras be, “I hear you,” and “I got it.”  Remember that aspects of you long for the same acknowledgment and understanding that you seek from others, so consider giving yourself that acknowledgment and understanding first.  When you do, you will unveil your innate passion, your hidden power, immense love and unbridled joy.   So here’s to honoring yourself in ALL ways, and enjoying a true hacker-free existence!

Thank You Love Substitutes

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Screen Shot 2014-02-02 at 7.29.03 PMThis month I am embarking on a new journey of teaching in live workshops.  I am sharing the tools and techniques in Lemons, Lemonade & Life in order to heal emotional eating.

For this new endeavor I needed to spread the word, and what better way to do that than electronically?  But, we’re all so busy these days, unless an email title is compelling enough, chances are we won’t even open it.

So as I pondered headlines, titles and idea after idea, nothing really resonated with me.  For weeks.  Then one night as my mind wandered, I really remembered what food meant to me before I healed emotionally.  Food was my focus.  It was comforting and kind to me.  For decades, food was my best friend.

I remember when I was obese.  I was unhappy and potentially facing illness and disease if I continued to gain weight.  I remember how I needed to change my relationship with food and, after I healed emotionally, I was finally ready to take those steps.

I realized that I needed to break up with food as my best friend.  It lied to me.  It felt caring and comforting and nurturing when I was eating it, yet that feeling didn’t last long.  And as my weight climbed and climbed, I remember feeling more and more helpless.  And that’s when I got the title: “Your Best Friend is a Liar… It’s Time to Break Up.”

I was successful in breaking up with food as my best friend.  And once I got back into the driver’s seat of my life and I stabilized my weight, I came to realize that food had been my substitute for love.  I didn’t feel badly about it, because it was a way to connect to love when I couldn’t feel it otherwise.  I needed love and understanding so desperately, and it provided that.  It kept me on the planet long enough to heal then learn to use it in a more balanced way.

Many of us use food as our substitute for love.  There are other love substitutes, such as shopping, alcohol, drugs, plastic surgery, exercise, career, money and even other people.  When we are out of balance and use them in excess, we can see the impact on our bodies and in the quality of our lives.

What’s beautiful about recognizing when you have a love substitute is identifying that what you really seek is love and understanding.  That is the positive wish underneath the excessive use of something, and it provides wonderful direction on how you can start moving forward – by building your self-love and self-understanding first.  After all, our love substitutes are habits, and habits can be broken.

In considering this, the idea of ridding yourself of love substitutes, you may ask, “Well, if I got rid of everything I enjoy, what’s left?”  And the answer is, nothing… and everything. Stripped of the distractions of life, you can identify the real you.  Your real gifts – ones you were born with that have been stymied — await you so that you can use the things of life in balance and harmony with your spirit. Who better to belong to and with than yourself?  Once that bond is established, it is permanent and your ability to shift your relationship with your love substitutes becomes a true possibility.

To build self-love and self-understanding, you can start by honoring what you did to survive to this point.  Understand that it served a positive purpose for you.  It may feel counter-intuitive, however when you acknowledge and honor what you did to survive, it gives you the ability to shift more easily.

If you feel that it’s time to break up with your love substitutes, you might not be ready at the moment, but thinking about it is a wonderful first step.

Use What You’re Given

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A friend of mine presented this topic to me and immediately my mind began to swirl.  “What an interesting idea,” I thought.  I was delighted to run with it, but running with it actually began not with a walk, but with a stroll.

“Hmmm… use what you’re given.”  To make sense of it, I thought about it in terms of my own life.  What was I given?  To me, the idea of being given something means that — once you receive it — that marks the beginning of the relationship with that particular thing.  But when I thought about it in terms of qualities I may have been born with, I couldn’t come up with anything because I don’t remember being born.

However, thinking retrospectively about the significant experiences in my life – the ones that really stand out… the ones that were really impactful — provided the answers about what I was given.  The answers revealed themselves as individual puzzle pieces that I was then able to fit together into my self-portrait.

The significant experiences in my life that immediately came to mind were the really tough ones.  They were experiences that I considered non-preferred, yet paradoxically enough, they were the experiences that provided me with the most gifts and insight into my own character.

For example, I made a business investment that didn’t pan out.  As time (and my disappointment) passed and self-forgiveness kicked in, I came to realize that I actually had courage.  I was willing to risk — to take a chance and venture into uncharted territory.  This courage allows me to continue to move forward in new ways even when I don’t know what the outcome will be.  Moreover, I came to understand that if I’m always learning and growing, perhaps there’s no such thing as a mistake, there’s just learning.

As another example, after I experienced sexual abuse as a child (and believing it was my fault), my self-esteem was so low that I felt that everyone else had a right to be alive except me.  But once I healed, and in retrospect, I came to realize that I had a deep capacity to love others.  That ability, although framed differently in my mind as a child, helped me survive those non-preferred experiences.  The ability to love deeply continues to feed my soul on a daily basis.

And finally, what envelops all of my experiences is the ability to make lemonade out of lemons; to be optimistic enough to think that I can find value in anything, including experiences that are initially non-preferred.  Therefore, my courage, ability to love, and optimism are what I was given, and what I use to navigate the adventure of life and make my dreams reality.

In thinking about the idea of using what you’re given, first things first.  Have the courage to connect with yourself.  Have the willingness to look at your life without judgment.  You can achieve this by just describing the events — just the facts – without assigning any meaning to them.  What happened is neither good nor bad, it’s just what happened.

Take a look at your own non-preferred situations.  How did you survive them?  Did you use determination?  Courage?  Self-restraint?  Good instincts?  Diplomacy?  What about humor or laughter?

Look back at your life.  Let your survival tactics reveal to you what you were given.  When you discover what you were given, not only will you be able to put together the puzzle pieces in order to see your unique self-portrait, you can also allow them to be your cornerstones as you continue to paint the dynamically evolving masterpiece that is your life.

The Chicken or the Egg?

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JDT1214Many times I have heard that either you are a car person or you are not. I don’t consider myself a car person, yet I can’t count the times that I pined about owning a certain car.

It actually began when I was a little girl. My parents would take us on drives through different neighborhoods, and when we were in the fancy ones with the fancy cars, I would “ooh and aah” at them. I believed that if you owned that car, it meant that you were strong, confident and successful. I yearned for those qualities because I felt quite the opposite. I felt weak, I lacked confidence and I didn’t have a clue about what being successful felt like.

I held that belief for years… decades, actually. I truly believed that if I had that car, it meant that I, too, was strong, confident and successful. And the day came where I actually got the car. Very soon I discovered that not only did I not feel strong, confident or successful while driving it, I actually felt awful. Never in my life did I feel that lost. Or lonely. Or disillusioned. It was still the same old me, driving the shiny, new car of my dreams.

It was just another notch on my belt – one more thing that I thought would transform me into the strong, confident and successful person I aspired to be. Other things I vehemently pursued that I believed would transform me were weight loss, a good job, cool friends, a nice house, just to name a few. And I achieved them. But, despite the new stuff, I was still the same… old… me.

When nothing worked, when I hit bottom, nothing mattered anymore. And in deciding to live rather than die, I decided that I wanted to do it right. No more pretending that I felt good, no more hiding behind the “stuff.” I rolled up my sleeves and healed for real.

I came to understand a principle that is near and dear to my heart: physical wounds require physical remedies and internal wounds require internal remedies. If I cut my finger, for example, I may require some antiseptic and a bandage. That is a physical wound with a physical remedy. If I have a broken heart, well, healthy tears of grief and time will heal it.

Before understanding this principle, there I was, all my life, attempting to fix my internal wounds – loneliness, disenfranchisement and low self-esteem – with physical remedies: cars, jobs, food and the “stuff” we accumulate in life. And it didn’t work because by definition, it couldn’t work!

What did work? Going internal worked. I finally started using internal remedies for my internal wounds. I faced my past. I learned to describe the painful events in my life without judgment, and feel the pain of them, also without judgment, which then brought about healing.

I acknowledged what I had to do to survive. I commended myself for being so strong in the midst of so much pain. All the love I wanted from the world and didn’t get, I learned to give to myself. It took courage and determination. It was hard at first, but in time I started feeling better and better.

My dream car had been repossessed. My cool friends were gone. I sold the house. Yet, I was soaring. I felt great strength and massive confidence. I was free because I freed myself on the inside. And from there, I attracted new toys, but I no longer looked to them to fix me. I had finally landed firmly in the driver’s seat of my own life!

Do you expect to feel better, safer or happier once you get that “thing?” If so, ask yourself what you really want; what is it that you are really seeking internally by having whatever it is you want to attract physically.

Knowing now that physical remedies won’t heal internal wounds, here is your opportunity to learn to cut to the chase. Whatever it is you think you will feel once you get that thing, be willing to feel that way right here and right now. If you think that more money in your bank account will help you feel more secure, you desire the feeling of security. To get it, use your imagination. For example, you can close your eyes and imagine that roots are growing from the bottom of your feet into a loving Mother Earth, who wraps her loving arms around you at all times. Be willing to feel safe and secure. Breathe it in.

If you think that having that particular girl or guy in your life will help you feel special, use your imagination. Tell yourself all of the things you yearn to hear from that special someone. Nobody knows exactly what to say that will melt your heart better than you do. Don’t hold back… give it to yourself. Be willing to feel special, here and now. Breathe it in.

Understand that your subconscious mind doesn’t know whether something is occurring physically or virtually, the feeling is what matters; the feeling is what is recorded. So, why wait? Why wait for the physical thing to feel how you want to feel? You have the power, here and now, to feel all of the glorious things you want to feel. And when you do, on the inside first, not only do you transform yourself, you are actually prepping yourself to receive that which you desire physically.

Now is your opportunity to reverse the chicken and the egg. Rather than needing the physical stuff to feel better, your strength, confidence and joy is what will actually magnetize that fun physical stuff into your life!

You are powerful. You are dynamic. You have the ability, here and now, to transform your life into the magical one of your imagination.

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