A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

How to Cut Animosity and Achieve Self Love

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One of my talented and sensitive friends talks about a client who is hard to please. The first time she cut his hair, he complained about it. She was certain he wouldn’t return, but he did. At his next visit he expressed dissatisfaction again. And yet, he would keep coming back to her for haircuts.

He was also flaky. He would text her to call him and then not return her call. She didn’t want to continue cutting his hair because every time she saw him, she’d end up feeling badly about herself in some way.

It’s like, “Mr. Grumpy, if you don’t like the way she cuts your hair, stop going to her!” But, obviously he liked going to see her. Perhaps he’s just a glutton for punishment, or he might be someone who is only happy when there’s something to be unhappy about. Who knows?

We’ve talked about it and can’t figure out why Mr. Grumpy keeps coming back. She could just cut to the chase and ask him why he keeps coming back if he’s unhappy with the way she cuts his hair, but that would be too easy. Sometimes she prefers to bear a burden or take one for the team than put someone else on the spot.

Another choice she could make is to stop cutting his hair altogether, but she’d rather work through a challenge than slam the door on it. I look forward to seeing how it goes. Perhaps one day when he walks in she will be detached enough to allow him his grumpiness while she stays in her optimism. That’s the positive wish, anyway.

So we talked at length about that challenge. Exactly how could she use this opportunity to stay in her optimism? I have heard it said that for anything someone says to us that hurts our feelings, it takes us hearing at least seven positive things about ourselves to counteract that hurt. So, just to get back to neutral takes some doing for us! (By the way, I believe it has to do with our neuropathways being set that land in a certain place, such as a habitual thought we may have about ourselves being no good in some way. I don’t have a source to cite, so if you know of this research or information, feel free to drop me a line).

So we decided to conduct an experiment. It was her task that whenever she sees Mr. Grumpy, she will:

  1. Notice when her mood starts going south.
  2. Identify the habitual belief she has about herself when dealing with him (such as: “I’m not a good hair stylist”).
  3. Tell herself seven good things about herself, such as:
    • “I love being a stylist”
    • “I am excellent at what I do”
    • “I am kind”
    • “I am caring”
    • “I am a good friend”
    • “People love to come see me”
    • “I am thoughtful”

As she stays diligent about checking in with herself in this way, maybe when Mr. Grumpy walks in the door she will immediately associate it with pouring extra love on herself. She can be free – she can release her attachment to wanting Mr. Grumpy to change while she reconnects with her optimism whenever she wishes! We’ll see how it goes.

Do you feel badly about yourself when interacting with certain people? Since you cannot change them, why not take control by being extraordinarily kind to yourself? You deserve that.

If you are willing to say at least seven nice things to yourself when you’re feeling badly (and yes, be creative and make it fun!), you will find yourself feeling better… and faster!

How to Embrace Your Personal Declaration of Independence

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In the spirit of July as we celebrate American independence, I think about personal independence and what it entailed for me. Sure, it is a big subject because the idea of personal independence is just that — personal. It means something different to each of us.

In my case, I yearned for acknowledgment, approval and acceptance. Also, I felt that I needed to be something other than who I was to get it. Therefore, I created very specific ideas of how I should act, what I should look like and what I needed to achieve to be deemed worthy of other people’s acceptance.

Talk about struggle! I was like a pinball, bouncing from persona to persona based upon who I was trying to please at the time. Actually, I had no way to win. My notion to act saintly (in order to be acceptable to others) was impossible to achieve. My standard of what was beautiful wasn’t my own, and was impossible for me to achieve. My sense of what it meant to be accomplished wasn’t my own, and was impossible for me to achieve.

Depression: aligning with non-preferred situations and feeling helpless to change them. – Author Unknown

Depression and I were really good friends. I felt trapped inside my head and heart because of my unrealistic expectations. After decades of spinning my wheels, being stubborn and trying to be someone and something I was not, I had a total breakdown.

Breakdowns get a bad rap, in my opinion. To me, having a breakdown means that what I have been doing — over and over again to receive what I think I want — isn’t working. When I get to the point where I’ve had enough, that is when I am willing to consider new ideas. Open. Receptive. Willing. That is when a breakthrough becomes possible. Breakdowns create breakthroughs.

In breaking through, I stopped focusing on other people’s definitions of beauty, success and acceptability and turned within to explore my own definitions of them. I explored what I appreciated about myself, exactly as I was. I started acknowledging what I do well, and spoke kindly to myself.

In time, I found that I was lighter in my head and heart. In time, I found an inner peace and joy emerging softly. And in time, by clearing myself of unrealistic expectations I found my freedom. I embraced and enjoyed my personal declaration of independence, and I’ve been dancing and singing ever since!

My heartfelt wish is for you to determine what personal independence means for you. My heartfelt wish is for you to be acceptable to yourself. My heartfelt wish is for you to break free from the chains of others’ expectations that you have adopted for yourself. My heartfelt wish is for you to be able to look in the mirror and know that a strong, amazing and magnificent person cheerfully gazes back at you.

To assist you in getting there, I have some suggestions:

  1. Honor what you did to survive: If you know that the underlying intention for all you have done was to receive acknowledgement and acceptance, know that to be true and give yourself a break. You were doing the best you could at the time.
  1. Accept your thoughts: Understand that you think up to 60,000 thoughts every day, and they are like clouds in the sky. Don’t get too hung up on how you should The truth is, you think how you think, and whatever you are thinking is going to shift momentarily anyway.
  1. Celebrate your uniqueness: Comparing yourself to others is like comparing a tulip and a rose. Stay in your own body and mind and know that you are divine in origin and expression.

If none of these suggestions resonate with you, that’s fine! Be willing to receive clarity on what tools can help you break free from unrealistic expectations, and you will find them.

As you greet the second half of the calendar year, wake up each day and commit to being a good friend to yourself. As you do this just a bit each day, your clarity will increase and your personal declaration of independence is right around the corner. Get your dancing shoes ready!

How to Compete and Win Every Time

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Swimming competition in the pool - Stock photos
Swimming competition in the pool – Stock photos

I have a friend who, without exaggeration, is one of the kindest people I know. Which makes it really funny when he talks about the jerk of the day who races with him in the pool.

 He laments that when he swims every morning he likes to be left alone to do his workout in peace. But there’s always a dude who will get into the lane next to him and push off when he does. He wants to race. And just like Pavlov’s dog, my friend races him. He picks up his pace to let the other swimmer know who is boss in the pool. My friend hasn’t lost yet.

I have to laugh, though. I tell him, “If you want to be left alone, just ignore them and continue to just do your thing.” But I know that’s hard.

You see, he can’t help himself. He is compelled to race whoever wants to challenge him. It makes total sense to me. After all, we live in a competitive society. Whether we are keeping up with the Joneses or you have a friend who is a “topper” (i.e., whatever story you tell, he’s got a better one), we are looking to get a leg up on someone else.

I know there are schools who teach that non-competition is the way to go, but so much more will have to happen in order for us to be non-competitive overall. Is it even possible? And, can competition actually be healthy?

Competition: a contest for some prize, honor, or advantage

Because I have learned that, based upon my own priorities, there will always be someone who has “more.” However, when I shift my perspective to think of competition like a golf game, any and all that I do is in the context of stretching my own boundaries. I always seek to improve myself, and to me that is prize enough.

Do you find yourself becoming annoyed or jealous when you think of someone else’s life? If so, it is a perfect opportunity to get to know yourself better. When the comparisons crop up, you can try the following:

  1. Rather than think about the other person’s material possessions, make a list of qualities or a state of being you perceive them to have perhaps because of their possessions (e.g., confidence, happiness, power).
  2. Ask yourself in what ways you are confident (or happy or powerful). Recognize how those attributes are present in your life.
  3. Close your eyes, breathe in deeply, and invite in the level of confidence you perceive the other to have. Imagine them cheering you on as you expand your own level of confidence.

You have the ability to create internal advantages by transforming any sense of competition into a win-win situation. Thinking in metaphysical terms, if we are one, it means that you already have what you believe you lack. When you come across abundance in any form, welcome it as part of your experience. You will find your mood shifting into the realm of optimism and peace when you do that. All it takes is practice, and everything around you can become and expression of your own abundance.

I Hear Music

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My neighborhood is getting more and more popular, and we have active social lives. We get lots of visitors and because of this, parking has been more challenging recently.

A few nights ago I had to park around the corner. As I walked down the street to my house, I could hear music from my neighbor’s house. Their daughters take music lessons and one of them was practicing the piano. It sounded wonderful!

I smiled as I remembered one of my childhood friends who lived across the street and practiced the drums every day. As kids we used sneak over there and listen outside his bedroom window; he became that good. He has been a professional drummer for decades now, and has toured the world with top artists.

I did pause outside my neighbor’s house. I imagined that the only sound in the house during that hour was the sweet sound of the piano. I imagined that everyone else was reading, writing, or quietly spending time together. Knowing them, it was easy to imagine that there was no television or other electronic distractions, just themselves, learning.

I smiled as I thought about what folks might say years later about the girls’ musical achievements, knowing that I bore witness to it as it developed.

I was grateful for having to park and walk that night, because it reminded me of cool, lazy and peaceful evenings I experienced while growing up. I was delighted to know that, in this day and age of technology, there is still live music being played by children in the heart of the hustling and bustling city.

Understand that when you connect with a pleasant memory, smell or sensation from your past, it amplifies and sweetens your present moment. You can open up to experience more memories by saying to yourself, “I am willing to remember any and all of my pleasant memories to give me a smile today.”

As the weather warms and you continue to enjoy Spring and then cross the bridge into Summer, may you too enjoy cool, lazy and peaceful evenings. May you welcome its rejuvenation, and take pause to acknowledge the magic from your past. Breathe it in as deeply as you can, and allow it to inspire you here and now.

 

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